Beyond The Sun
by KelsIsVictorious
Summary: The Olivers and co. just want to enjoy their summer, but wonky situations keep getting in the way. / / Sequel to Just Go With It, cowritten with srslyitzcaroline.
1. it has to begin with Aly's shenanigans

_first chapter to the sequel! let's see how the Oliver kick off their summer in this excellent chapter written by srslyitzcaroline... :)_

* * *

><p><em>"Truth and tears clear the way to a deep and lasting friendship."<em>

**Gwen's POV**

"This isn't fair, this isn't fair, This. Is. Not. Fair!"

I have to admit, this probably isn't the best way to start off our summer vacation. But watching my older sister throw a temper tantrum that would rival our little cousin Peyton's was pure hilarity.

"Allison Jane, you threw a math textbook out a window and it landed on a teachers car!" My mother was at her wits end. Her and Aly had been screaming and yelling at eachother for the past twenty minutes.

What she said is true, you know.

On the last day of school, well, yesterday, when the final bell rang, in all her might Allison threw her math textbook out the window. There was a manly scream, a scream that belonged to Mr. Matica.

If you've put the pieces together, Mr. Matica now has a giant hole in his windshield.

Aly huffed and paced around the room, "Maybe it wasn't my math textbook!" She cried, throwing her arms up.

I scrunched my face at her as if to say, 'is that the best you could come up with?'. She just gave me an angry look in response.

My mother placed her face in her hands and sighed. "There was a note inside that said clearly, 'Allison Jane hates big fat meanie Mr. Matica' and a picture of that poor man."

"A really poorly drawn picture, might I add."

Cue glares from both Aly and Jane.

"Okay...maybe I shouldn't add." I shrugged. Sorry for being helpful and pointing out Aly's bad drawing skills. Maybe if she would have had me drawn it, then she wouldn't have been a prime suspect.

My mother got up off the couch and placed a hand on Aly's shoulder, "You're just not going."

To this, Aly casually tossed her hand away and placed her hands on her hips. Oh, that's nice. "I hate you and everything you stand for."

Silence.

Suspenseful.

I should have brought some popcorn, but instead I'm awkwardly pretending to text.

"...That may be, but I've already gotten the refund as the money is now going to pay for Mr. Matica's new windshield. I suggest you go unpack." With that, Momma Oliver out.

I felt Aly's eyes boring holes in to my head which had been lowered to make it seem like I wasn't paying attention to their heated conversation.

"This isn't fair."

"So you keep saying."

I should probably tell you what Aly's so mad at. Well, the place she is no longer going was a week long summer dance program. They basically dance and choreograph dances and make videos. Apparently it'll help their future as dancers and whatnot.

But she can't go now because she's in trouble and the money that Mom and Dad used to pay for the week is now going to Mr. M's car work.

I'm inwardly smiling right now as she rants about how she can't go anymore.

I didn't want her to go anyway.

"-even cares about his dumb old PT Loser. Are you even listening to me?" Aly was now in front of my face waving her hands all about angrily.

"Yes." I lied. "I totally agree." Like I said, I'm happy that she's not going. This would have been the first summer that Aly and I had not had our annual Venice Beach trip where we go and lay in the sun and I try to get tan and then we go to Pinkberry and she buys me frozen yogurt.

That may or may not have been the first official run on sentence of the summer. Score.

She had told me that we could just go some other day of the summer, but then I pouted and told her it wouldn't be the same.

Haha, now we can go. Insert evil smiley face here.

"So, how about that beach trip?" I grinned up at her and I could have sworn she tried to cover up a smile.

Instead she rolled her eyes and walked towards the stairs, "I guess we'll go tomorrow. If I haven't committed suicide over my dancing dreams being crushed by our insensitive mother!" The last eight words were screamed in the direction of the kitchen.

We heard a curt laugh and a, "Go unpack, darling. I'm sure Gwen will keep you under suicide watch."

That I will, Mommy dearest.

You'd think my parents would be used to Aly's shenanigans leading to punishments. I suppose they are, but I'd never think they'd go as far as taking away a dancing oppurtunity from her. Aside from all their past drinking and chizz, they've always wanted us to succeed in our careers. They would constantly encourage Beck to try out for lead parts or just parts in general, the same with Als dancing and my

artwork.

There is a reason some of my artwork has appeared in our local newspaper, because of my parents encouragement (read: nagging).

But it's just like my sister to bring them down as soon as they get back from their vacation. Yup, they had gotten back just in time for a call from the school.

That's just the best 'welcome back' present ever, eh?

Right along with Allison's stomping up the stairs with such force that she just might crack the oak.

/

"Well, maybe if you didn't decide to throw a book through the window, you wouldn't be unpacking right now."

Aly had told Beck of our mother's 'unfair' decision to keep her home from her program. He thought this was a rational punishment.

And of course Aly disagreed with him. "Ugh! Like mother like son! Of course I knew you'd agree with her!" After that she sort of stormed out. Of her own room.

It confused us greatly, but I figured it was better than her throwing one of us out the window like she did to her text book.

By one of us, I totally mean me.

I don't think she could lift Beck, well maybe if she tried, but normally I'm the one she takes her anger out on.

"Well...I wasn't expecting that." He shook his head and his wild hair was flipped around everywhere.

I scoffed. "How can you expect any less from the queen of drama herself?"

He let out a chuckle and raised his eyebrow. "You didn't want her to go, did you."

It wasn't a question. He already knew what the answer was.

I nodded my head 'no' slowly. "It wouldn't be fun without her. Summer is time for us to spend time together, not for her to leave me..."

I thought about the last sentence. Maybe Aly doesn't want to hang out with me. I mean, she's turning sixteen in like, two and a half weeks. Maybe she's too old for me.

But then again, Beck and his friends are older than both Aly and I, and we all still hang out.

Then again, again, sometimes people grow up in different directions and maybe Aly's going in the 'I don't want to hang out with my little sister' direction.

No. No, we're best friends.

"I guess we'll go tomorrow." She didn't sound so thrilled about it. Last year when she was just turning fifteen she was ecstatic. Although she is in a bad mood today...

This is too much for the first day of summer.

A loud slamming of a car door thankfully brought me out of all my confusing thoughts and I exchanged a look with Beck before he got up and looked out the window. He turned back to me with a half displeased face and rolled his eyes. "Cory's here."

Even more to add to my reasoning with the whole growing up thing. It's the first day of summer (like I've stated many, many times in this internal dialogue.) and she's already invited her boyfriend over.

I was going to say something to my brother, but I didn't even notice he left before I got the chance. Probably going to make sure they don't suck each others faces off at the door.

I walked across the hall in to my room and not two seconds later did the two hormonal teens tromp up the stairs and in to the room I had previously been left alone in.

Oh. No, 'hey Gwen, how goes it?'. Apparently I don't even get a 'hello'.

Gwendolyn Joyce, please. You're being ridiculous. Aly is your sister, she will always have time for you and want to hangout with you. You just called Allison a drama queen not five minutes ago, and now you yourself are being dramatic about this whole situation you've made up in your head.

I need something to bring me out of this wierd mood. I should be happy.

Blah. I'm going to call David.

Be back later.

/

Location? In the kitchen.

Reason? Talking to David on the phone while simultaneously making myself some cinnamon toast.

Why? Because I like eating cinnamon toast with 'I can't believe it's not butter!' while talking on the phone to my boyfriend.

After those three questions that you probably weren't wondering about at all, I have a question of my own.

If this isn't butter, then what is it?

...

I retract that. I don't want to know what it is.

"I seriously don't think Aly's getting tired of you. I've had Austin as a brother my whole life and he still likes to hang out with me occasionally." I had explained to David my possibly dramatic theory about my sister wanting to know his opinion. You can count on him to keep my level headed.

I grabbed both pieces of toast, slapped them on a plate and sat down at the bar, "Yeah, but maybe she's been trying to distance herself from me and I just haven't noticed. Maybe she thinks I'm too immature or something. C'mon, I thought jello shots were just jello. Who doesn't know that?"

Leaving my last question unanswered, I heard David get up off of wherever he was sitting. "Gwen, remember when you thought I was distancing myself from you?"

I do remember. I wish I didn't though. "But you were distancing yourself from me."

"I was trying to give you space. Anyway, maybe Aly's just in a bad mood. You did say she can't go to her dance thing, she's probably grouchy."

I took that last bit in. Aly goes get grouchy like a Gwen on meds when she doesn't get her way.

It doesn't help that when she doesn't get her way, she immediatley goes in to having middle child syndrome.

Middle Child Syndrome: Basically when everyone loves the first child who has all the responsibility, and the youngest is the baby. Middle children will often misbehave to get attention and be less parent-dependent then their siblings. It's common for them to blame or demonize the parents, which my dear sister does all the chizzin' time.

How do I know so much about this? Because Aly takes the time to explain it to me half the time when she's 'demonizing' our parents.

"You should come to the beach with us tomorrow." I asked, without thinking.

It's supposed to be mine and Aly's day, but whatever. She probably already invited Cory, so it's fine. Pffft.

I didn't quite get an answer right away.

I could hear Austin's voice in the background and something that sounded like a hand connecting with an arm. "Ouch, Austin, quit it. Sorry, Gwen, Austin's being a jerk and wouldn't let me up the stairs. What were you saying?"

I sighed. Oh, Austin. When will you stop being a turd nugget? "Do you want to come to the beach with us tomorrow?"

He's pondering. He's pondering and "Uhm, sure. Sounds fun."

"Awesome. I'll text you the deats when I figure out exactly when we're going tomorrow." Score for Gwenny.

Even if Cory isn't, which I'm sure Aly invited him, my boyfriend will still be coming, so ha. I'm inwardly blowing raspberries at my sister who isn't even downstairs right now.

Speaking of whom. Perhaps a nosy little sister should go see what they're up to? I think so.

I tossed the last piece of toast in to my mouth and began walking to the stairs, eventually getting me upstairs and in the hallway, perched outside my sisters door.

"You could have just told me, Aly." That'd be Coco's voice. But...tell him what?

A sort of sarcastic, snortish laugh came next. "Right, because who wants to get close to a girl that spent almost a combined year and a half throwing up everything she'd barely eaten?"

Aly's voice was cracking and I took advantage of her cosmic sniffled to crack open the door a bit. They were standing in the middle of the room, hugging, Aly's two hospital bracelets clutched in Cory's right hand.

So now he knows.

That means they're gonna be closer together...and- and I'm happy for them.

But I need to get my sister back.

Have I even lost her?


	2. pink lemonade solves all problems

_"Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability." - Sam Keen_

**Aly's POV **

At least it's all out in the open now.

It actually felt kind of good to tell him. He still wanted to be with me, which says a lot about Mister Cory Alexander Edison.

God, I love that sexy son of a-

"Hey, your parents know that... y'know, we're going out, right?" Cory's voice snapped me out of my thoughts about how sexy he is.

He was laying on my bed, me laying next to me as he played with a strand of my hair. I shrugged, and my shoulder bumped into his pec. Which I know for a fact he has, since he works out with Kellan a lot in that fancy ass home gym of his. "Yeah. I told them yesterday."

How did I do so, you ask?

You didn't ask, but I'mma tell you anyway.

After my parents got that call from the school about my accidental destruction of Matica's crappy windshield, they started yelling at poor Allison Jane. And despite what you may think, since I get in trouble a lot, I don't like being yelled at. So right as my father started screaming about my irresponsibility, I just kind of blurted out that I had started dating my friend Cory.

It distracted my mother for the good half of a minute, until James reminded her of what I had done with my stupid math textbook.

Oh well. At least they knew.

"I'm thirsty." I looked at Cory, who was still absentmindedly twirling a long piece of my hair around his finger. "Get me a bottle of water, would you?"

"Seriously?" Cory sat up, bringing me with him, and smirked. "Last time I checked, I'm the guest. Shouldn't you be the one getting me a drink?"

I scoffed, shoving him off the bed with ease, since he was already perched on the edge. "Yeah, but I'm the girlfriend, so you're supposed to do what I say."

Cory grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his lap. "True, true. But at least come with me. Beck might be down there and I need someone to shield me in case he tries to punch me. And Gwen's too short to block my face." I could tell he was kidding, but what really scared me was the fact that I wouldn't put that below my brother.

"Why would Beck punch you for no reason?"

"Why does he hate me for no reason?"

"He doesn't hate you."

"Yes, he does."

"... I know. But only a little."

Cory stood up, pulling me with him, and after we headed downstairs, we saw no sign of Beck. So I came downstairs with him for nothing.

I hate exerting energy for non-dancing or making out purposes.

When we walked into the kitchen, I saw my little sister sitting at the bar, her PearPhone in her hands. Gwen looked up, sat her phone down and gave us a small smile. "Hi, guys." When she saw that Cory got two bottles of water out of the fridge, she asked, "You two dehydrate yourselves up there?"

I smacked the back of her head as Cory and I took a seat on the side of the bar closest to the fridge. "Yes."

"If you're admitting to it, then why did you slap me upside the head?" Gwen whined, rubbing her possibly throbbing head.

I shrugged. "I like smacking you. That isn't news."

Gwen pouted, but decided to change the subject. "Whatever. So, what time should the four of us leave for Venice Beach?"

Oh right, our annual beach trip. Gwen does need to work on her tan a little, even though she isn't a complete ghost any-

Wait. Four?

I'm no mathematician, but last time I checked, Gwen and I only equal two people.

"Um, who are these extra two people that I apparently don't know about?"

Gwen rolled her eyes. "David and Cory, duh. Didn't you tell him about our beach trip?"

"No." Cory drank some of his Crystal Waters water and raised an eyebrow at me. "What, embarrassed to be seen in public with a shirtless me?" he joked, nudging me.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course not, you attractive boob. I just got a little... distracted before."

Distracted by his sexy, non-trouty mouth.

But why would Gwen invite David? She's usually really excited to go on our annual trip, just me and her.

Then again, this is the first summer that we both have boyfriends. I guess things are different.

And it gives me a chance to see Cory's hotness without a pesky shirt to get in the way.

Too bad Kellan's not going too. He and Cory would make an amazingly steamy hot shirtless brother duo.

Ugh, saying it like that makes it sound like they're... never mind.

"So, I'm guessing that's a yes to going with us?" Gwen gave us a small smile again, which is kind of strange now that I think about it, because her smiles usually show off those perfectly white teeth of hers. Dental hygiene is very important to her.

Not as important as it is to Nathan Ciervo, but still.

Nathan Ciervo. Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out if I had started going out with him instead of Cory. Not that Cory doesn't make me happy, because he absolutely does. But sometimes curiosity about what could have been gets the best of you, you know?

I guess something could have been there between us, but I hardly ever saw him. The only interaction we ever really had was when he found my PearPhone after I dropped it like a goober, when he drove me to school on the day Gwen poisoned herself and Beck with her jiggly eggs, when he returned Gwen's notebook and said hi to me, and when I hugged him whilst drunk and only wearing a bra.

Why do I remember all that?

But anyway. We didn't have any of the same classes or even any classes close to each other and we didn't really hang out with the same groups of people. The odds were against us getting closer.

But they were definitely for me and Cory. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dear Lord, I've missed about half the conversation my boyfriend and sister have been having by internally ranting about this crap. People always say I'm a terrible influence on Gwen, well I think it's the other way around.

That child is a demon and makes me do bad, rambley things, I tell you.

But I love her anyway.

For some reason.

Oh hey, they're still talking. Maybe I should actually listen.

"-And they're gonna be gone and since Kellan, Britt and I all have plans that one night, if you wanted to-"

"Yeah, of course! I love those little cuties!" Gwen took my half drunken bottle of aqua and took a sip for herself. What a gank.

"You guys talking about babysitting?" I snatched the bottle back from her.

Cory nodded. "Yeah, my parents are going to some conference thing."

"What kind of conference?"

He shrugged. "I dunno, a chocolate covered fruit one? I don't really pay attention when they they talk about work."

"But your parents are the founders and head honchos of one of the biggest non-flower bouquet companies in the world!" Gwen exclaimed, flailing her arms around to make it seem more exciting. "That has to be epic!"

Cory looked between Gwen and I and asked, "Isn't your dad a high up at Pear?" We both nodded. "That's got to be cool."

I let out an admittedly loud snort and Gwen just shook her head. "Nah, that's boring."

"But don't you guys get all the latest PearProducts for free?"

He has a point. That part of my dad's job is pretty fun.

But nobody thinks their parents have cool jobs. Even us, 'cause we're spoiled brats.

Well, Gwen, Cory and Beck are.

I bet it sucks being the kid of a plumber.

"What do you need money for?" I asked my sister. "You got five hundred dollars the last time you babysat for my moneybags boyfriend's little snot goblins that he calls siblings." Cory raised an eyebrow at me, so I added, "Who aren't half bad for snot goblins." He let out a laugh and kissed me, while Gwen rolled her eyes at our insanely awesome love.

"I spent most of the money on my singing lessons-" Oh yeah, she's still got a few more of those. She's actually gotten better. She's no me, but her singing hasn't made my ears bleed in two weeks. Her teacher is a miracle worker... Too bad he doesn't seem to have had the same luck for Trina. "-and the rest... On a snow cone maker."

"... A snow cone maker."

"... Yeah."

"Why haven't I seen this alleged snow cone maker?" I raised an eyebrow.

Gwen answered, "Because it's my snow cone machine and I want it all to myself, that's why."

"What, d'you think I'm gonna steal some of your sugary carb coated chunks of ice?" I rolled my eyes and threw my empty bottle at her. "No thanks."

"Excuse me for wanting a secret snow cone machine," she muttered, throwing my trash into the garbage. She can never leave garbage laying around, even if it's not hers. That's why she's my official crap tosser.

"So why do you want to earn more money? Can't you just ask Mom or Dad or take their credit cards, like I do?"

Gwen sat back down and gave me an unimpressed look. "Some of us like to earn money for ourselves."

"Yeah, people who are losers," I told her, leaning into Cory.

He wrapped an arm around me and said, "Nah, she's got a point. Kellan and Brittney both have part time jobs."

No way is he telling the truth. "Why? Your parents have more money than they know what to do with."

Cory shrugged, making my head bob a little. "It was a way for them to meet new people outside of UCLA, and like Gwen said, some people like to earn their own money instead of mooching off their parents."

Gwen smirked victoriously. "Thank you, Cornelius. I'm glad you're not as shallow as my sister."

After I sent her a glare, I looked back at my boyfriend. "So what, are you gonna get a part time job over the summer?"

Cory snorted, then smirked at me. "Yeah right. Jobs are for losers."

He's a keeper.

Maybe she wants more cash so she can buy me an amazingly epic birthday present. It's not for another two weeks or so, but Gwen likes to think ahead of time about stuff like this.

As I've previously mentioned, I'm pretty good at getting birthday gifts for my sister, and she's just as good at doing the same for me, if not better. Last year, she got me a pair of Armani navigator sunglasses AND a gold Armani charm bracelet.

Who likes designer brands, such as Armani?

This girl!

... Just imagine me pointing to myself with both my thumbs.

/ /

After a while, Cory's stupid driver came by to pick him up. But before he left, we all agreed that we would have to get to Venice at around eleven because all the chizzy tourists and other beach bums get there around noon or one and we want a good spot on the beach. So Wendell's going to come pick us up about a half hour before then.

That's the name of Cory's driver.

No wonder Cory's never mentioned it before. Even I'm embarrassed for the guy.

After an awkward dinner with the parentals, where I glared at them every chance I could even though they ignored me and Gwen pushed her peas around on her plate because I guess she was freaked out by the tension or something, they left to go to the country club for a while. Apparently they're helping plan some beginning of summer social for all the snobby weirdoes who go there to play polo and eat stale scones. I just hope they don't make the three of us go too.

But they're James and Jane Oliver, so they probably will.

Speaking of Beck, which I kinda was, he decided to grace us with his presence once again after our lovely, newly sober parents left.

Mostly because Jade left, even though I didn't know she was in the Silver Streak to begin with.

Thanks for coming in to say hi, Jadelyn. Love you too.

"So you two all set for your beach thing tomorrow?" he asked, sprawled out on the couch as he finally stopped channel surfing and settled on watching Celebrities Under Water.

"Yep, we know when we're going, and we've got all our stuff ready." I was on the recliner, sexy texting Cory. But Beck doesn't need to know about that.

Gwen rejoined us in the living room, a glass of pink lemonade in her hand, since she made some after dinner and Beck had asked for some. She handed the glass to our lazy bum of a brother, who responded, "Thanks, Gwen."

"Sure beans." She gently shoved his legs off the couch and plopped down in the spot where his filthy boots used to reside.

"You guys need a ride?" Gwen's shoving actions apparently didn't matter to Beck, because he kicked his feet back up and placed them on Gwen's lap. She didn't seem to mind, since all she did in response was play with a loose lace on his boots. "I'm hanging out with Robbie and Andre tomorrow, but I could drop you off before-"

Gwen shook her head as she tied the lace into a knot that Beck would have a hell of a time trying to untie later that night. "Nah, Cory's driver is gonna-"

Beck looked away from a drowning Brenda Song (that's not gonna be good for her and Trace Cyrus' baby) and at me. "Cory's going? I thought it was just you two."

Ugh. Beckett. "We changed our minds. The more, the merrier. Don't worry, the four of us will use protection when we all have an orgy under the lifeguard station."

Beck just shut his eyes and shook his head at my inappropriate comment. I guess he didn't have to ask if David was going too, since I said four. He got up and walked toward the kitchen. "I need more pink lemonade..."

Why does it seem like all my friends and relatives turn to pink lemonade to relieve stress?

But having your little sisters go to the beach in their skimpy bikinis with their boyfriends completely unsupervised shouldn't be that stressful.

Hehe.

There was silence, since Beck paused his program, and I took advantage of that rare moment in the Oliver residence to send Cory another text of sexiness.

And right as he responded, Gwen asked, "So what DOES make it pink?"

My siblings are morons.


	3. Beck, Andre and Robbie's bromance

Hey, readers! Want more of your favorite cowriters? (well your favorite cowriter and me)

We both have tumblr pages now! Cici's is at http : / / srzlysaywhaaaa . tumblr . com and mine is at http : / / kelsthecowriter . tumblr . com

Yeah. Mine is creative. But it's an easier way for you to communicate with us and ask questions about the story, the characters, or the weird blond chicks who write this stuff! And everybody loves Tumblr, right?

Okay, chek those out and you can check out our Polyvores if you want, I think I linked those on my fanfiction page. Be warned though, there are MAJOR SPOILERS for things that will/might hapen later on in BTS.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

* * *

><p>"<em>I have always loved the beach. The smell of the salty water, the wind in my face, the gentle roar of the waves all combine to create a sense of peace and calm."<em>

**Aly's POV**

"Gwedoloser, are you almost ready?"

"Yeah, yeah, don't get your tights in a twist!"

My sister needs to stop using British phrases. Because, number one, it's annoying. And number two, I'm not antsy.

Okay, so I am a little bit of the latter.

Mostly because today I get to see Cory with no shirt on and drool over his probably amazing physique.

The other things is, well, if you've followed my life in terms of inner dialogue long enough you'll know that I've never entirely been at home in my body.

Ugh, I don't know why that sentence just made me cringe. Whenever someone talks about 'their bodies' it's- it's just weird, okay.

So remember, if you ever meet me in real life, which is doubtful because in all honesty I don't even know who I'm talking to when I record these thoughts mentally, don't even discuss your body with me.

I don't like it and what kind of conversation starter is that anyway?

Er, carrying on. Like I was saying, it's not that I'm not confident, because I do talk about my sexy appearance a lot and I have no problem wearing skimpy clothes, it's just the thought of not being able to hear peoples thoughts about me in a bikini scares me.

If you didn't get that explanation, it's okay. I'm not sure I get it either.

Oh wait! I thought of an easier way to explain it.

Allison Jane Oliver Edison will never completely feel pretty. No matter how many times she says the sentence 'I am beautiful', she will never one hundred percent feel it.

Footsteps came bouncing down the stairs, "I'm ready!" Thank you, Gwen, because these readers are more than likely judging the chiz out of me right now.

The strings of her bikini were poking out the top of her shirt, but at least she managed to tie them.

Or she just left them tied from the last time we went swimming somewhere. I always untie mine after I take them off, but that's just another thing that makes us different.

I noted the time on my PearPhone, "Wendell," Cue Gwen stifled giggles, "-will be here in like, two minutes."

Someone opened the front door, and who I thought was Cory just barging in to my house, was actually Beckett. Imagine expecting your boyfriend but end up seeing your brother.

It's a very big disappointment.

"Hey, I'm getting ready to head off to the mall with 'Dre and Rob, so-"

Unlike my sister, I cannot stifle my laughter in situations. "You're going to the mall with Andre and Robbie?" I shook my head with laughter.

Gwen and Beck exchanged a look and Beck stared at me. "Yeah?"

"Isn't that, you know, something girls normally do? Or are you three now in some type of bromance?" I asked, grinning.

My brother, who didn't think this was funny at all, rolled his eyes. "We're shopping-"

And the laughter continues.

"-for our girlfriends."

I threw my hands up, not wanting to offend his gay tendencies. "Hey, whatever you guys do in your spare time is up to you. But 'shopping for your girlfriends' is a very good cover up. So kudos to you."

He's less than pleased with me right now, but at least Gwen is laughing too.

Gwen's laughter eases all moments.

"Just remember to lock the door..." Beckett kissed us both on the forehead, "And no orgies."

My brother never denied his bromantical relationship with his two best friends.

I'm on to you, Beck.

He left, but not before I could throw him a shifty eyed look. I wonder if Jade knows about his male sexual partners.

Not that I think they're having sex.

Because the closest thing Robbie has ever come to intimacy is sticking his hand up Rex's back and not even that counts.

Andre on the other hand...well, let's just say I think he and Miss Vega have done more than tonguing it. Believe me, I've kissed the girl. I bet one of those make-out sessions lead to other things.

Alright, please forget I just said that.

"So, are you gonna swim or just tan?" Gwen asked, subconsciously twirling around the foyer. I don't understand why she does that, she always complains that she feels dizzy and sick afterwards.

And who has to deal with that whining? Me.

I stared down at my legs, which looked unbelievably chunky right about now. "Depends whether or not Cory's going. Probably just tan." I answered, shrugging.

She stuck her tongue out. "I'm probably gonna do intervals of tanning and swimming."

Good for you, Gwen. I wanted to say it, but I didn't.

I'm still trying to figure out why she invited David when this was supposed to be just a Her and I thing.

I wonder if she's like, upset with me or something.

If she is upset with me, I don't want to make her anymore upset.

Just when I thought she may be upset, my little sister stopped mid-twirl, dizzily holding her head, managing still to point frantically out the window, "Wendell's here!"

Welp, it looks like we're off to the beach.

/

I'm so glad it only takes like ten minutes to get to Venice Beach.

You know what Gwen did in the car? She whined about how she felt sick, and Wendell told her not to throw up on the leather interior as he just polished them.

Oh, so their drivers are meant to polish the cars inside and out too?

Well, well. We're deff getting married, Coco.

Speaking of sexy boyfriends, he's currently discussing time matters with the previously stated driver and polisher.

I took this momentary no one paying attention to me (besides my sister,) to get beach ready.

I pulled off my West Coast Speedway crop top, tossing it aside, revealing a pink and white striped triangle bikini top with a pink bow in the

center. Beneathe my dark wash daisy dukes was the matching pink and white striped bottoms with side bow ties.

Gwen followed my lead and shed her oversized orange off the shoulder top, now sporting a lime green and cerulean halter top bikini.

Obviously she has the matching bottoms lurking under her dark blue shorts, because I helped her pick out that bikini, and Allison does not

appreciate when people don't match their bottoms to their tops.

It's just wrong.

Almost as wrong as having a candy bar with raisins in it. That's what people think kids want in their candy bars, fruit.

Ahaha, Family Guy.

Gwen was debating inwardly (cause I can totally tell) if she should take her shorts off or wait for me. If she's waiting for me, than it's gonna be awhile because Cory Alexander Edison is taking off his shirt and- excuse me for a minute, I need to take this in.

Wowzers.

This hunk of man candy was wearing striped board shorts with a classic red and white striped patters with a cute side pocket...

Yeah, my eyes are making their way up his body.

Aha! Just as I suspected! His abs are abtactular.

On a scale of one to ten, Cory's body is probably and eight thousand and sixty three, if not more.

Cory looked at me looking at his body and smirked. "Aly?"

"You're hot." I may or may not need a bucket. I also may or may not have just made a giant goober out of myself. Was 'you're hot' the

best I could come up with?

We all know he's hot, I should do something about it. Like, attack him with my lips in a hormonal rage.

That sounds like a good idea.

The most I got to do was get close enough to him to lean on his ab muscles before I heard Gwen let out an exasperated sigh. "C'mon,

babe, just take it off."

If I wasn't standing right here, that could have come out of context, majorly.

Still, why isn't David getting undressed like the rest of us? All we're viewing now is his turquoise board shorts. Not that I want to see

anything else, I mean-

LOLWUT.

He took his shirt off.

Let's, uh, let's just say there's a really good chance David works out or something. Well, in my opinion he's absolutley no Cory, but, er.

Not too shabby, Shizuka. Not too shabby at all.

In fact, I would not mind eating sushi off his body.

Is that sad? That that's how I rate peoples bodies now adays? Deciding on what type of food I'd enjoy eating off them?

In conclusion, think of the most non-sexual, 'I have a chance of being his sister in law one day' friendly way of saying that this freshman

(oh wait they'll be sophomores next year...) has a smokin' asian body.

That's all I'm trying to say.

Ew. My sister is currently oozing over her boyfriends body and I don't know why I said ew considering I just spent the last paragraph

trying to desribe his newly transformed, toned body. "Babe, you're like my very own situ-asian."

She got that from Glee, guys. Juss' sayin'.

David kissed Gwenners, and then for some reason just started looking around awkwardly at the beach.

Well, that's not saying much seeing as how everything David does is awkward most of the time.

Look 'awkward' up in the dictionary. You'll see a picture of David.

Gwen was frowing at this, "Davy? Are you okay?"

"Last time I was at this beach, Austin and his friends buried me in the sand and repeatedly kicked sand in my face," Dave shuddered at the

memory.

Oh? And when was this? Last summer?

"That's terrible!" My sister featured a horrified expression on her face.

I smirked simultaneously rolling my eyes, "Oh please. We, er mainly I, would pretend to play marco polo with Gwen and when she'd start

saying 'marco' I'd totally just get out of the water and leave her there."

Ah, good times, good times.

Cory laughed, David tried not to, and Gwen pouted. "Yeah well- ICE CREAM."

The attention span of a baby squirrel, I tell you.

She was right, though. About three yards away was a (disgusting) ice cream truck with a man who probably has never seen a boob not

covered in a bathing suit top in his entire life.

That will be Robbie one day, mark my words.

Unless he, Andre and my brother get married in New York City and lead a very fabulous life together.

Before I knew it, Gwendolyn had dragged David over to the truck and began waiting in line. Poor, poor David.

I hope she has money hidden in her bikini top, because I gots none on me. Who needs a wallet when your boyfriend is loaded?

That didn't sound gold-diggerish at all, Aly.

"Your sister is something else," Cory smiled, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me in.

Ha, "Tell me something I don't know," I replied, kissing his lips.

The kiss was cut short by a frisbee landing at my feet. "Hey, could you pass that back to us, babe?"

My eye twitched. Babe? I'm not your babe, Fernando.

"Sure," I called back, out of the politeness I normally don't use.

I do suppose bending down in incredibly short shorts was not my best idea, as I'm sure that the crowd of horn dogs back there are now

staring at it.

I quickly stood up and threw it back, pleasingly enough it hit one of them in the face.

Eh.

The look on Cory's face as he stared down those guys was both sexy and sort of scary, but it didn't bother me as much when he totally

swept me off my feet in every sense of the phrase.

I love beachy make outs in hot guys arms.

"There's no need for your PDA."

Oh, hello, Gwendolyn.

The two were back, holding one vanilla and one cup of ice chocolate. Dave, you're a weeny.

"The ice cream man gave us advice." Gwen told me, between licks of her dairy treat. David was doing the same, and I couldn't help but

notice both of them looking a bit awkward.

I raised my brow, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeeaah," She nodded. "He said to use protection."

...

This is just another reason I don't eat ice cream.

Ya' know, aside from being lactose intolerant.


	4. their churros are pretty good

Hey! Here comes another chapter, but before you read, I wanna remind everyone that my lovely cowriter and I still have our new tumblr accounts, so if anybody wants to stop by with a question, this would be an easier way for us to answer.

And for those of you who have tumblr, you know how awesome it is to see that little red envelope on your dash :)

There are links on my fanfiction page! Click awaaaaay!

* * *

><p><em>"Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.' " - Jay Leno<em>

**Aly's POV**

Dear God, my boyfriend is a hot hunk of man. I swear, he doesn't sweat.

He GLISTENS.

Like a Greek god of some sort.

A Greek god with lots of money.

And abs.

And what is making Cory glisten, you ask? Well, some guys and a few girls are playing beach volleyball and they asked the four of us to join so they could have a decent amount of people. Gwen and David still had their icky ice cream to finish, so they sat out the first two rounds.

The team Cory and I were on totally dominated, not that you were asking, but I thought I'd let it be known.

I was kind of worried at first that the guys would ogle me and Cory would go all medieval on their asses, but they were actually really nice and respectful. And the girls weren't ganks.

It's nice to finally meet girls who aren't trying to ruin my life and guys who don't want to eye-bang me. It's probably because they're all here for some church trip thing, and frequent church goers usually aren't butt holes.

At least their church does fun stuff like go to Venice beach. My family may only go to church like three times a year, but it doesn't take much time there to tell that it's the most boring church in the history of the world.

Seriously. I've seen people fall asleep standing up during the service.

And the Sunday school classrooms all smell like Pine Sol and mold.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and Jesus and all that good stuff, but I think they'll still love me and my sinner self even if I don't die from smelly classroom fumes.

The rest of their group was getting ready to leave, so before they got on their church bus, this one girl, Hannah I believe, gave us all of their numbers in case we ever wanted to come to a service or just hang out with one of them.

Gwen and I do kind of need to expand our social circles.

We mostly hang out with our brother's friends.

They're our friends too, but still.

But now that they're gone, I won't feel like a wicked heathen for making out with my incredibly hot, glistening boyfriend under my umbrella-ella-ella.

Ay, ay, ay.

C'mon, it had to be done.

Gwen and David are God knows where now, but whatever. I still can't help but shake that she's mad or upset about something.

Maybe she has PMS.

Nah, Mother Nature has never graced her with her monthly visit.

... But maybe she has now.

LOL JK, Gwen's like ten and she always will be.

... But most ten year olds don't make out with suddenly somewhat muscular teenage boys under the lifeguard station.

Yep, I see them now. Wish I hadn't.

She might have to take that ice cream guy's advice after all.

At least it's not an orgy with Cory and I.

Speaking of gross things I don't want to do-

I pulled away from Cory and rolled off of him, landing on my beach towel. "Hey, I need to tell you something before I forget it and my parents throw me through a window."

"That seems like a perfectly good waste of a window, but go ahead."

Cory smirked and I kicked sand on his legs. "Look, since I told my parents that we're dating, they want to meet your parents. They told me to invite you and your parents to dinner at our house on Thursday. If you love me, you'll make up some excuse for why the three of you can't come."

Cory poked me in the side, which I couldn't help but think looked super flabby, and said, "No, it'll be fun."

"Nothing's fun when my parents are involved."

Cory rolled his eyes at that comment. "This will be a good thing. I still haven't been properly introduced to your parents. And my parents have barely met you, and that was before we started dating."

I... I guess he has a point. If our parents like us and each other, our wedding will be less awkward.

Beck will probably still give Cory a death glare as he walks me down the aisle, but that's a minor technicality.

I know, I know, fathers are supposed to do that, but I kind of want Beck to do it. The guy who always looks out for you and puts you first should get the honors of doing that.

Just don't tell him that. It's really cheesy.

"Okay, beach volleyball, making out... this has been a pretty good day so far." Cory grinned, standing up. "But I'm starving. Let's get something to eat."

"Wouldn't you rather devour my face?" He pulled me up to my feet by force, and I stuck out my bottom lip in some attempt of making him stay and feed upon my apricot lip gloss.

That should be enough sustenance for him.

"Stop pouting, Gwen," Cory teased, dragging me away from our make out oasis.

I am not acting like Gwen. Gwen would never lay on top of her boyfriend and suck his face in the middle of the beach.

She's doing it under the privacy of the lifeguard station. And David's standing up, with Gwen's legs wrapped around his no longer scrawny self to keep herself upright.

Because my sister is classier than I am.

There are a few little dumpy food places around where the shore starts, but my hungry boyfriend finally decided on some lame burger place. They'd better have veggie burgers.

What am I saying? This is California.

Of course they'll have veggie burgers.

This grungy looking hippie behind the counter asked us what we wanted. Cory ordered some kind of meat monstrosity with extra pickles, and I ordered a plain veggie burger. Hopefully the bun isn't suckish. If it is, I guess I'll have to eat it Atkins style.

That means without the bun, for those of you who don't have a mother that tries fifty seven different diets a year.

No wonder I'm so messed up when it comes to food.

The stringy haired hippie gave us our wrapped up burgers and Cory happily paid for them. It's nice having a rich boyfriend. Now I don't have to feel bad about making him buy stuff for me.

I would have done that even if he didn't have a penny to his name, but now I don't have to feel bad about it.

We decided to sit on the steps and eat them, and I almost threw up when I saw his burger after he unwrapped it. "Dude, how can you stomach that grease fest?" I asked as he took a surprisingly big bite full of dead cows and pigs.

"How can you stomach that hippie burger?" Cory chuckled and added, "Seriously, it's just vegetables all mashed up in some attempt at resembling a hamburger patty."

I rolled my eyes and bit into my meal, which was much better than his, just to make that clear. "We'll see who has the last laugh when I dance on your grave when you die after your arteries explode from being full of dead animal fat."

Cory laughed and kissed me.

Dead animals have never tasted so good.

I pushed him away and pretended to be grossed out, but I think he knew. Because even though we haven't been dating for too long, I think he knows me pretty well.

But I saw something, or rather two someones, that snapped me out of my internal fangirling and almost made me choke on my burger.

Cory looked confused. "Als? You okay?"

The someones locked eyes with me, panicked, and headed in the other direction. "Yeah, but I think this beach has one too many dreadlock and Jewfro duos..."

I handed him my half eaten sandwich and got up, running after the previously mentioned duo. After I finally saw them, I ran towards them and pretty much tackled Robbie.

Okay, ignore the pretty much part. I definitely tackled Robbie.

As I pinned him to the ground and glared up at a very shocked Andre, I yelled, "What are you guys doing here? Aren't you supposed to be skirt shopping at the mall with-"

Wait a second.

Beckett Oliver, you dirty liar.

"You guys weren't really going to the mall, were you?" I pushed Robbie's face even further into the sand, earning a few muffled whines from him. "You came here to spy on me and Gwen!"

"... Technically, I think it would be 'Gwen and I', but I'm not-"

"I can't believe you guys would do this!" After realizing that me sitting on his back was probably the closest Robbie has ever been to sex, I got off of him and let him pull himself up for air. "I might have expected this from Beck, but not you two! ... Well, maybe Robbie."

As he stood up and shook grains of sand out of his fro, Robbie looked at me, all offended like. "Hey!"

"Dude, you hide in potted plants outside people's houses just so you can spy on them." I crossed my arms. "Like stalking is really below you."

Andre sighed, shaking his head. "Look, Aly, it ain't like that."

"Oh, really? So do you mind telling me what it IS like, then?"

Andre pushed one of the dreads that wasn't pulled back in a ponytail out of his face. "We really did go to the mall, and we stayed there for a while at first, but then we ran into Jade-"

"Jade was at the mall?" I scoffed. "This story is already flawed."

"Goths need clothes too," Andre told me. "Anyway, she called us all pansies for going shopping together-"

"Yeah, that sounds more like Jade."

"Girl, will you let me finish?" I held up my hands in surrender. "She pressured Robbie into telling us what we were doing and what Beck bought for her-"

"She threatened to beat me with a purse covered in monkey fur!" Robbie defended. "And I'm allergic to fur from any and all primates!"

"Why do y'all have to interrupt me?" Andre sighed, tucking his hands into the pockets of his cargo shorts. "After Jade found out Beck got her a new swimsuit, she wanted to test it out and, y'know, there's no arguing with Jade." Andre shrugged. "So we figured, why not? They have good churros here and I could probably find Tori something at one of the shops around here."

Yeah, like life-sized anchor earrings.

... Now I know what to get Tori for Christmas.

I nodded, then raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh. So why'd you guys run away when you saw me?"

"We thought you'd be suspicious," Robbie said, brushing sand off of his glasses.

"And running away like morons isn't suspicious?" I rolled my eyes and was about to tell them that they were both goobers, but then I realized something. "Wait a minute... Where's Beck?"

Andre shrugged. "I think he and Jade are on the pier or-"

Aaaad that's when I ran back to the burger shack, whose real name I don't remember, but let's just go with it.

Cory was still sitting there, his burger now completely gone. He had an ample amount of time to finish, what with me interrogating my guy friend and Robbie and all.

"Get up, Beck's here and we have to find him."

I definitely noticed Cory's eyes widen in fear for a half a second, but he stood up and asked, "Why? I thought he was at-"

"I'll explain on the way. Just give me my veggie burger so we can go to the pier and..." I strayed off, after noticing he had two empty burger wrappers in his hands. "You ate the rest of my burger too?"

He sheepishly smiled and threw the wrappers away. "Veggies pressed together to resemble a hamburger patty actually aren't half bad."

God, he's so cute.

No, you can play tonsil hockey with your veggie burger lovin' boyfriend later, Allison.

You have an older brother to find and possibly kill.

/ /

After about ten minutes, we had made it to the pier and searched for my beloved brother. No dice.

That is, until I heard this tidbit of a conversation going on behind us:

"Beck, I'm not putting sunscreen on. Sunscreen is for nerds."

"Sunscreen is for people who don't want to get skin cancer."

"That's what I just said."

Yep, that's them alright.

I turned around, seeing them head in the other direction, so I made my way toward them. Cory stayed farther behind, but still followed. After I got a decent amount of space between us, I shouted, "Beckett James Oliver!"

Beck flinched a little at the outburst, but when he turned around, he didn't look scared. Nothing scares him, so why should I? "Oh, hey, Als." He gave me a guilty grin and held out some cinnamon dough stick thing to me. "Want a bite of my churro?"

"Don't tempt me with your gross Mexican pastry," I told him, pushing the churro away. "Are you seriously here because Jade wanted to break in her new bikini?" After really looking at Jade, who was too busy eating funnel cake to bother to greet me, I noticed she was sporting a strapless black bikini I had never seen her wear before. I still felt like asking.

Beck looked confused, but it quickly passed, so I guess it clicked that I ran into Robbie and Andre. "Yeah. Why? You don't think I was-"

"Yeah, I do, actually." I crossed my arms, then looked back at Cory, who had acquired a corn dog from God knows where. He's a hungry boy.

I guess having to put up with me requires a lot of energy.

"You had to come to THIS beach?"

Beck sighed, then took a bite of his stupid churro. "Aly, come on, it's a big beach. I haven't seen either you or Gwen until now, and that's only because you were looking for me."

That's... Ugh, I hate it when he has a point.

I uncrossed my arms. "Fine, just don't try anything funny." I grabbed onto Cory's muscular arm.

Beck raised an Aladdin like eyebrow at me and said, "Same to you."

Okay, we've come to an agreement. Now if I can just get Cory back down to our umbrella so I can press his glistening self up against me some more-

"Hey, babe, this place sells binoculars," Jade pointed out a small stand next to us out to Beck, speaking for the first time since I found them. "I know you were wishing you had one before when you couldn't find Aly or Gwen and wanted to make sure they weren't having an orgy and-"

"Finish your funnel cake," Beck interrupted, not amused by her joke... Or maybe she was being serious.

I really hope she wasn't.

But as they walked away, Jade turned around to smirk at me, and it pretty much meant she'd take care of Beck.

She should, since she's the one who brought him here in the first place.

Oh well. My glistening guy and I are going back to the umbrella.

Don't wait up.


	5. Shizoli ftw and oh yeah Beck's a pervert

_"Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches." - The Princess Bride, Wesley to Buttercup._

**Gwen's POV**

Beach volleyball was pretty fun, and those church kids were suprisingly nice. One of the saw my purity ring and said that 'it was the right choice'.

Then she stared at me for a few minutes...and I walked away.

Oh! I said thanks, though. I'm not mean. I've got manners.

Except when I burp and don't say excuse me, although I can only do that when my parents aren't in the room. I may have mentioned this before, but manners and chiz like that are really important in my house.

"So, what d'you want to do?" My boyfriend asked, slipping a hand around my waist while we were walking along the shore line.

Yup, it's just he and I.

I don't even know where my sister is right now. But that's quite all right seeing as how I still have David. He's all I'll ever need.

...All I'll ever need besides like, air and food and water and Glee and art.

Yeah.

I dodged a few running children and stared out in to the ocean. I seriously love the beach.

"Why do you love me?"

Now, some of you may be thinking, 'gosh, gwen, why would you ask him that? it's obvious that he loves you for-' Hold off, dear readers, that was not me.

David. My boyfriend, David. Was asking me why I love him.

Shouldn't I be asking him why he loves me?

Aren't girls the ones who are always doubtful about why their boyfriends love you? Apparently not this time...

"You're special, David." I grabbed his hand and continued walking along the shore, not even looking up at him, as I expected he was looking down at me.

He is special. I know, I know, I've said it before. But for some reason I don't think you guys really understand why I love him.

Besides the fact that he's asian, resembles Mike Chang, is hot and amazing and I could go on forever.

David stopped walking for a minute, regardless of me trying to pull him along. "But why?"

"Because I love you," I rolled my eyes in a very Aly like way and attempted to drag him out of his spot in the sand.

He gave me this look. A look of pure disbelief. I don't understand. And then he...

Tossed me in to the ocean.

The little (not so little, er, very tall) butt much picked me up and tossed me in the ocean.

Don't worry, he did walk a little bit in to the water so I didn't land in the shallow end and hurt myself or something, he's somewhat careful.

I stood up, my blue shorts now completely drenched and put on my most angry Gwen pout ever, "What the chizz was that for?"

David smirked and walked closer to me, "Why would you, Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver, one of the prettiest girls I have ever layed eyes on and who has amazing creativity want to be with a guy like me, David Shizuka, one of the most awkwardest Asians ever to have walked this Earth?"

That's sweet. But why is he asking me this? Isn't it obvious? Haven't I told him numerous times before why I love him more than anyone else on the planet?

I swear I'm either crying or I just got salt water in my eyes. I'm going with the first one. "Why are you doubting that I love you?"

His smirk faltered, and he shook his head, trying to make it clear that he wasn't trying to offend me. "I'm not doubting it, I just want to know why. Is it because my family is wealthy? Not as much as Cory's obviously...or is it my looks? Because I'm seriously not much of a looker. Or is it..." He trailed off and ran his hand over his wet hair.

I took a deep breath, I feel a ramble coming on. "Money is not a reason to love someone, first off. Second off, yes, it's true that I love your looks. You're gorgeous, but that's not why I love you. I love that you keep your cool when I get all complicated and chizz, and we've been through so much, we're still together."

"But-"

I put my hand up to stop him.

"The reason I love you is you, being you, just you."

I stared at him, tears in my eyes, but they weren't sad, they were like emotional girly tears.

David walked over and gave me a great big hug, lifting me sort of out of the water, 'cause you guys already know I am very short, and he is very tall.

After he had finally put me down, he stared at me for a few moments and for some reason I felt like he was trying not to smile. He looked as if he had just heard the best news in the world, or like he had just won the best prize in the world.

It seems as though he wins everything. My stuffed lobster at the carnival and oh yeah-

My heart.

/ /

Oh hey there, guys. Just, you know, making out with my boyfriend under the life guard station stand thing.

No big deal.

LOL jay kay. It's a big deal.

I feel so...so rebellious.

Obviously I've made out with my boyfriend numerous amounts of time but I'm doing it right here, right now, under a life guard stand, at the beach in front of millions of people.

Okay, so not millions. Maybe.

I don't make it a point to count how many people come to Venice Beach, especially when not all of them even live in the area or California for that matter.

Mid kiss, I stopped, "I forgot to tell you. My parents invited your 'rents and you obviously over for dinner." Almost forgot about that.

Aly nearly died when they told us.

I don't blame her.

I don't exactly want David's perfectly good parents meeting my previously alcoholic, deranged parents.

Not that I don't love them, but seriously, I don't want them seeing how my family acts at home.

He nodded his head, "Awesome. It won't be too bad, right?" Wrong. "-because my parents have already met your parents over dinner. Our dads were business partners once, remember?"

Oh yeah. True chiz.

I shrugged my shoulders in agreement. "I guess it'll be okay. But Cory and his parents are coming too and so are Jade and her parents. Jade's dad is scary." I stuck my tongue out and an image of Jade's father stood in my mind.

David chuckled a little and we returned to our previous make out session.

"Hey you two! Head my advice!" Oh Lord. It's the ice cream man. Pointing and staring at us from across the sand.

We tried to ignore him, we really did, but now he was almost screaming. "Wear protection! No glove, no love!"

By now our kissing had ended and my cheeks were burning so hot.

David wasn't any better, his cheeks resembled those of Aly's reddest urban decay blush.

We exchanged a very blushed, awkward look and started walking away, not needing to say anything. 'Cause if we did that man probably would have kept saying things along the lines of:

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

Cover it with a bag, or deal with a baby and a nag.

No rubber, no lover.

...

My sister and I don't stay up all night sometimes looking at funny sayings for condoms.

We totes do, though.

And don't judge either. Because when you're half asleep, looking at condom jokes is insanely funny.

Besides, I'm almost fifteen, I think I'm allowed to be a little dirty in my own inner dialogue.

We made it out from under the life guard stand just in time to see my sister and her boyfriend staring at us. "Als? Where've you two been?"

"Making out. And you?"

"Making out."

She gave me a thumbs up and Cory rolled his eyes and laughed a little. "I see the ice cream man hasn't stopped harassing you."

I felt my cheeks grow hotter once again and I stuck my bottom lip out in a pout. Rhyme score. "He keeps shouting words of abstinence at us."

Does he not know that we are abstinent? Sort of. But I don't think making out counts against the whole abstaining thing...unless you're those people in the movie Teeth.

Never. Watch. That. Movie.

Allison ever so lovingly made me watch it and it nearly gave me nightmares. I mean...the girl has teeth in her-

In her-

Lady parts.

I'm done talking about this.

I don't know how they got there, or why they're there, all I know is that she lived about two miles away from a radioactive waste plant and some poor guy got his-

"Gwen? Stop spacing out Captain Loserface." A sharp pain erupted in the back of my head and either another volleyball hit me (cause of course that had to happen during our volleyball game) or my sister smacked me.

The latter wins.

I rubbed the back of my head and frowned. "No, I didn't hear you before you assaulted me."

"Beck, Andre, Robbie and Jade are here."

It was silent for a minute and I bet everyone thought I was spacing out again. It wasn't a space out moment, I was just confused.

"Why are they here? I thought they were bromancing it up at the mall."

Cory and David burst in to laughter and Als just sort of shook her head at me and joined them in cracking up.

I think I said that more seriously than intended.

But if they are legit here, I hope my brothers two life partners are okay with me killing him for spying on us.

/ /

"I cannot believe you came to the beach trying to spy on us!" We were at home, no longer at the beach.

David and Cory had gone home, and Jade was sitting on the couch by herself watching Sweeney Todd, because in her words, 'what's better than a hot barber who sings and cuts people's throats and then serves them in meat pies?'

I can think about a hundred things better than that.

Oh, chizz, back to listening to my brother defend himself while Aly and I stare him down like two dogs ready to attack a defenseless rabbit.

That's one of the worst similes I've ever used. "Gwen, you didn't even see me until right before you guys were leaving." He stuck his hands in his pocket coolly.

I continued crossing my arms, "That may be true, but you shouldn't have been there in the first place!"

Before Beck could answer, my sister held her hand up to him. "Wait. You didn't deny that you were spying on us."

"Busted." Jade called out, not looking away from the TV. How nice of her to help her boyfriend in this situation where he's cornered by his sisters.

Eh.

Beck ran his fingers through his hair, "I just wanted to make sure that you two weren't, ya'know, doing anything you're not supposed to." He sighed.

Oh, like having an orgy?

What is his obsession with these dirty thoughts?

I uncrossed my arms and gave him a dirty look. "You have a perverted mind." It needed to be said.

Both Allison and Beckett stared at me. "What do you mean?"

I fiddled with my bangs, "You always think Aly and I are doing dirty stuff with our boyfriends. Thus, you have a dirty mind."

Aly started to laugh, much like she did at the beach. "Gwen is so right! You're a pervert!"

My brother was speechless.

Face it Beck, when it comes to having us as sisters, you will never be right.

Seriously though, he needs to get his mind out of the gutter.


	6. let's go to the mall

Quick reminder, we still have tumblrs! we're at srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter if you wanna ask any questions or tell us how sexy we are.

Okay, back to the story.

* * *

><p><em>"I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."<em>

_- Tammy Faye Bakker_

**Aly's POV**

Ah.

Y'know, when most people wake up on one of the first days of summer, they wake up to the sounds of the birds singing. Or perhaps the joyous laughter of children playing hopscotch or tiddlywinks or whatever the hell children play these days.

And of course, because that's just how my life works out, I woke up this morning to the sound of ice being crushed. Loudly.

After literally rolling out of bed and managing to get on my feet, I stomped over to Gwen's room and pounded my fist on her locked door. "I don't have a snow cone machine in here!" she screamed through the wood.

That was a very specific denial.

"You already told me about your stupid snow cone machine, Gwen." I rolled my eyes, even though she clearly couldn't see it. "People are trying to sleep! It's too early for that racket!"

I heard a small click, right before Gwen opened the door, a cherry and blue raspberry snow cone in her right hand. "It's eleven thirty."

"In the summer, that is early." Gwen just stared at me and ate some of her snow cone.

Bleh.

"I guess since my slumber was so rudely interrupted," I paused to glare at my snow cone consuming sister, "I might as well get dressed."

"That's the spirit." Gwen held out her sticky red and blue treat to me. "Want some?"

I responded by knocking it to the hardwood floor.

As I wandered into the bathroom, I hear her whine, "You could have just said no!"

Yeah, I could have, if I had any respect for you or your snow cone.

Which I don't.

/

Showered and dressed for the day, and it's only noon.

That's impressive, for me, at least.

Since Mom and Dad were at work, Beck was in the house to make some French fries and make sure I didn't give Gwen a Red Bull and tell her she could jump off the room and fly away. Because he barely stopped her the last time I did that.

And, y'know, he wanted some fries.

I don't usually eat French fries, since they're greasy and horrible and all, but… these kind are actually pretty good. You bake them in the oven, so they're not really all that greasy.

They're delicious.

"French fries!"

Welp, Gwen's here now, so there's not going to be many more left.

Gwen hopped up next to me at the bar, where Beck and I were seated while we munched on our starchy snack. "Didn't you fill up on snow cones?"

"I don't have a snow cone machine," Gwen quickly said, shiftily looking at Beck before looking at me. She just doesn't want to share her damn sugar ice with him, or anybody… so why did she offer me some before?

… Gwen's weird.

But I've come to like that about her.

She makes me look much, much better by comparison.

Gwen stuffed three fries in her mouth, chomped on those for a while, then blurted out, with fry mush in her mouth, "I wanna go shoppin'."

"And I want to have a sister with some table manners, but we can't get everything we want." Beck let out a small chuckle at that as I smirked at Gwen. Bet she wishes she didn't leave her snow cone sanctuary now. "Shopping does sound kind of fun, though. Als needs herself some new short shorts."

Beck raised an eyebrow at that comment, but just ate another fry. I guess he doesn't want to point out that I shouldn't dress like a hoe bag, because that would make him seem like he has a perverted mind that only thinks the worst about everybody's sex lives. Nobody ever wants to prove Gwen right.

He'll wait 'til that very accurate comment blows over to do that again.

"Can you take us, Beck?" Gwen asked, holding a fry out to Beck. "Pretty please?"

He let her toss it in his mouth, and after he swallowed, he responded, "I would, but I'm supposed to meet up with Andre-"

"Won't Robbie get jealous that his life partners are doing stuff without him?" I asked with a smirk, opening my mouth so Gwen could pop the French fry she offered me into my mouth.

"-so I can give him my opinion on a song he's writing." Beck picked up another fry and dangled it over Gwen's head. She leaned back and opened her mouth as wide as possible so he could drop it right in. "You need to stop interrupting me when I-"

"Oooh, Andre's gonna sing a song to you?" I bit back a laugh. "Will he give you a soothing back massage afterwards?"

Instead of feeding me my next fry, Beck threw it at me. "The song's for Tori. He wants a second opinion."

"Why didn't he ask Cat?" Gwen asked. "Or me or Aly?"

"Probably because you and Cat can't keep secrets about that kind of stuff and… Well, Aly doesn't like Tori." Beck gave me a look, but I could tell he was fighting off a smirk. "You'd tell him to write about how she smells like road kill or something."

"So you agree?" Beck threw another French fry at me, so I threw about seven at him.

"Wait, Cat!" Gwen exclaimed. "She can take us!"

Cat is an excellent shopping accomplice. And Gwen needs all the help she can get when it comes to fashion.

"I'll give her a call." I hopped off my bar stool and pulled my PearPhone out of my skirt pocket. "Don't gorge yourself on fries, Gwenny."

"Not making any promises," Gwen mumbled, dipping several more into a small cup of ranch I never noticed until now.

Oh, Gwendolyn.

/ /

"Oh em gee, a sale on panties!"

"Cat, you are so lucky Jade's not here," I said with a small smile. "She'd slap you for uttering that accursed word."

Cat blinked, looking at me with big, confused brown eyes. "What's Jade got against the word sale?"

Cat's adorable. She's like a six year old, only not as annoying and snot-nosed.

"Where should we go first?" Gwen asked before taking a bite of the giant soft pretzel we just had to stop by the food court and get, because French fries and snow cones apparently aren't enough for her.

Then again, eating snow cones is essentially just drinking solid flavored ice and she only had about a total of twelve fries. But still, that's a pretty big pretzel.

It's the size of her head.

I shrugged, stopping as a shop caught my eye. "Let's try Simone's. They have the best stuff."

"Yay!" Cat grabbed both of us by the wrists and flung us into the small boutique.

Ow.

But I do loves me some Simone's.

As I started checking out their bracelets, Gwendolyn scooted uncomfortably close to me. "Sooo... See anything you like?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "I might be able to if your huge head wasn't in the way."

She took another bite of her pretzel, then shuffled back a step or two. "Sorry. I just wanted to..."

"What?"

"... Man, this pretzel is good."

Okay, she changed the subject. Either she's perfectly fine and that non sequitur can be chalked up to her short attention span or she's hiding something. But there's only one reason I can think of for this particular situation.

She's trying to get some hints for what I want for my birthday.

Well, I might just have to help her out a little bit.

Before I could point out a bag that I noticed from across the room, a saleslady dressed in all designer brands approached the two of us. "Excuse me, little girl, but there's no food or drink allowed in Simone's."

Hehe, I love it when people call my sister 'little girl'. She always gets this offended look, like they might as well have told her that she was a scum sucking whore cake. "But... But my pretzel..."

"You need to either finish it or leave."

"... Fine."

/ /

"I keep saying I should never take you out in public, but I never learn, do I?"

Gwen crossed her arms. "Come on, you're overreacting."

"You stuffed your entire pretzel in your mouth so you wouldn't have to leave the store," I reminded her as we inched closer to the front of the line for the Super Salad place in the food court.

"That wasn't that embarrassing," Gwen muttered.

"You started gagging on it and then you threw up on their carpet!" I got a few looks for exclaiming that. Oh well.

Cat giggled, then said, "Remember how red that lady's face got? It was as red as my hair!"

"Cat! It's not funny! She got banned from there!"

"But... Gwen's throw up was a bunch of pretty colors!"

As gross as it is... It was. I guess she can thank the snow cones for that.

That doesn't mean the Simone's manager appreciated my sister's rainbow vomit.

And now Cat, Gwen and I are getting lunch. Because my sister's stomach is once again empty and she's hungry, even after hurling in public.

Gwen is a freak.

And now that she's banned from Simone's for the rest of her life, she'll never be able to get me that insanely cute bag.

... Don't look at me like that. I'm not selfish.

I just really wanted that bag, that's all.

"I'm sorry, okay? But if they're gonna charge four bucks for a soft pretzel, then I'm gonna eat it! I'm pretty sure the clothes there are crumb proof!"

I rolled my eyes at my sister after telling the dude behind the register I wanted a plain salad. But there are plenty of stores in this mall. I suppose she could 'secretly' find me a gift somewhere else.

As long as she doesn't get kicked out of those stores too.

Cat ordered a taco salad and Gwen got a chicken caesar salad, and by the time we sat down, Cat had started telling us some story about how Robbie was taking her to Pepe Pepperonis for their next date. Before I could tell her that that place is for little kids, my phone rang.

Ugh. It's my mother. Like I wanna talk to her right now.

But I answered, because if I didn't, I wouldn't hear the end of it when I got home.

"Allison, why didn't you tell me that Cory has siblings?"

"... Hello to you too, Mommy."

"This is not time for jokes, Allison. Answer the question."

I scratched the back of my neck, overhearing Gwen tell Cat something about ballpits. "I guess I didn't think that part was important... How'd you find out-"

"I was doing research on the Edisons during my lunch break, to make sure that everything for the dinner would be perfect, that's how."

...

My mother's a creep.

"You cannot invite a boy and his parents without inviting the rest of their family. That isn't polite!" my mother scolded.

Ugh. Everything is manners with her. Weird, considering she's usually a butt when she talks to me.

"Okay, okay, I'll tell Cory to invite his brothers and sisters, but there's like four of them. Where are we going to fit all these people?"

"We'll make room. Just let me worry about that, dear."

Our house is pretty big, but I'm pretty sure the dining room can't fit our family, Cory's family, Jade's family and David's-

Oh God, please let her have forgotten that Austin exists. Please please plea-

"Oh, and remind Gwen to invite David's brother."

Crap.

"Okay, fine. Look, Mom, my salad's getting cold, okay thanks bye." I couldn't have hung up faster.

"How do salads get cold?" Cat asked as I took my first bite of lettuce. "Aren't they supposed to be cold?"

I looked at her, but tried not to say anything sarcastic. Cat is a delicate petunia. "That's was just an excuse so I could get off the phone with my mom, Cat."

"Oh... Sneaky!" Cat laughed before taking a sip of her Peppy Cola.

I looked over at Gwen, sighed and said, "Hey, Barfy Mouth, text David and tell him he has to invite Austin to that dumb dinner thing."

Gwen looked up from her chicken infested salad and gave me an expression that paralleled one of a small child who just watched her chihuahua get run over by a monster truck. "No! I don't like Austin very much. He's a creep and he smells like corn chips, even though I've never once seen him eat corn chips."

He DOES smell like corn chips, doesn't he?

And he is a creep.

"While I'm not denying any of that, the life giver says we have to." I picked my phone up and shot Cory a text that basically said, 'Tell your thousands of siblings that they're joining us for dinner on Thursday and blah blah blah.'

And the blah blah blah part was actually in the text.

Gwen sadly sent David a text as well. "Ugh. You guys wanna try more stores? I promise not to throw up in any more of them."

I looked at our plates, which were all empty, except for mine, but it was close enough. The lettuce is limp.

The name of that salad place was a lie.

So I might as well try to drop some very obvious hints for my dear sister.

Now, where's the place that sells all that Betsey Johnson stuff...


	7. yerbanian radio stations

_The awkward moment when you thought you uploaded this chapter days ago but then you look to see why there were no reviews and realize you never actually did it._

_But do you guys wanna know something awesome? Just Go With It was nominated for a Topaz Award! Thank you guys! That's fantastic :D_

_You can vote for us here if you want: forum(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/forum/The_Topaz_Awards_2012/108350/_

_We're under the other category c:_

_[December To Remember was also nominated for best other so yeah thanks for that too I love you guys now on with the story please review kthnx]_

_[[also our tumblrs are still srzlysaywhaaa and kelsthecowriter so leave us asks plz now let's really get on with the story kthnx again]]_

* * *

><p><em>"Do you know what time it is?" "A watch doesn't really go with this outfit." -Clueless<em>

**Gwen's POV**

I managed to not get my butt kicked out of anymore stores at the mall on Monday, but I did not manage to find anything that Aly really seemed to like.

Sure enough, she did give me some hints on what she wanted, but then again, my sister wants everything.

Too much is not enough.

That song sounds familiar...I think I heard it on the Yerbanian radio station.

Don't ask me why I was listening to the Yerbanian radio station.

Okay, you can ask.

My answer? I enjoy listening to foreign radio broadcasts. They intrigue me.

Carrying on, if you may have noticed in the first sentence of this inner dialogue, I stated 'at the mall on Monday' implying that it is no longer Monday.

'Cause it ain't Monday.

It's five thirty six, Wednesday, June fourteenth.

'But Gwen, why didn't you make mental notes on Tuesday?' There's a legit explanation for that, readers.

We didn't do anything yesterday besides start cleaning for this big dinner shindig tomorrow. Well...okay, I didn't exactly help clean, I sort of 'helped' by searching online for a bigger dining room table for my mom.

She left us a list of things to do before she and my dad went to work, and that happened to be one of those things. Since I woke up first and found this lovely list of cleanliness, I got to pick my chore and that was online shopping.

Before you ask, yes, Aly did complain.

And hit me on the head with a broom. Repeadetly. I think I may have a permanent bruise there now or something 'cause I tried brushing my hair and it just hurt so much.

Blah.

Dark clouds are begining to roll in. Mm, I think my dad said we're supposed to be getting a storm within the next two days or so.

Oh perfect. Right in time for tomorrow's dinner.

Right, right, getting back on topic.

I did manage to find a suitable table for all...wait, hold on, let me count this.

Insert Gwenny couting how many people there will be at the Grand Old Oliver Dinner Party on her fingers.

-nineteen of us!

Wow. That's a lot of people.

It's Aly, Beck, Mother, Father, David, Jade, Cory, Kimiko, Shin, Austin, Elaine, Ethan, Kellan, Brittney, Michael, Amanda, Jade's Dad, Jade's Mom and myself.

Yes, I do refer to them as Jade's Mom and Dad, mostly because I've never actually learned their names. Is that bad?

Probably.

I mean, I've never actually had a decent conversation with Jade's dad, but he's not very into the whole artsy stuff like acting and such.

Jade's mom is totally into it though, anything to make her daughter happy, I suppose.

Her dad probably has a name, like Barack, or Remus or Jedidiah.

Nah, those are too extravagent for his boring nature. So maybe it's a boring name, like Stanley.

I don't exactly know about her mom. I wouldn't be suprised if her name is 'Bubbles' because she's so bubbly and happy, sort of like Cat.

Ugh, Beck and Aly should be back by now with my suitably found table.

I'm surprised they even left me home alone for this long. I think the only thing stopping my inner child from destroying anything under the 'home alone' influence, was the fact that I'm currently trying to pick out an outfit for tomorrow night.

I want to look good, but I don't want to try so hard that it looks like I'm representing my family as some stuffy upper class people.

Not saying my parents aren't stuffy sometimes, 'cause they totally are.

I'm having trouble deciding between a blue dress with three little buttons in the center, a gray and white dress with ruffles at the top or a sort of coral one shouldered dressy shirt with leggings.

I'm leaning a bit towards the white dress with ruffles, but the coral one shouldered shirt is a little more casual. I hope Aly knows what she's wearing so I can ask her when she gets home. If she's going casual, I'll go casual, and if she's going dressy, I'll go dressy.

I wonder what are guests are wearing...

Suddenly, I heard the front door swing open and a loud "Gwen!" was screamed.

Oh hey, my brother and sister are back from Turning Tables table store.

Such a nice name for a table store, eh?

See that? Channeling my inner Canadian with the 'eh' there. Except, I don't know if Canadians actually say 'eh' or if that's just a stereotype thing, I mean-

"Gwendolyn Joyce! Stop writing your Glee fanfiction and come help us!"

I frowned. Allison is so rude sometimes. Treating Glee fanfiction like you can just stop writing at the drop of a hat.

Not that I'm writing it now, obviously, but what if I was? I can't just stop mid-sentence, or paragraph or possibly even chapter.

I walked to the top of the stairs and saw Aly, texting. "Is this how you help bringing in tables?" I smiled, earning a nice eye roll from her.

"I was texting my boyfriend, for your information. I'm trying to convince him to tell his parents that we're vampires and we'll drain their blood if they come near our house." She shrugged, continuing to pound away on her PearPhone.

"You need to lay off Twilight." Ah, that was Beck, attempting to slide in a not yet assembled table into the foyer.

Aly stuck her tongue out and simultaneously motioned for me to come all the way downstairs, which I would have done but, I don't exactly want to help bring in a table. "I hate Twilight." She groaned.

"But you like shirtless boys that go by the name of Taylor Lautner."

"That I do."

"Can you two stop chatting about guys and help me bring this damn thing in?" Beck sort of grunted in a not so friendly way.

Try asking again, and this time, without an attitude. But I won't say that. It'll make it worse.

I hurried down the stairs and grabbed the one corner of the table that was in the house as Aly grabbed the other. "He's just jealous, because the only shirtless guys he wants to talk about is Robbie or Andre," Aly said, under her breath, pulling the side of the table further in to the house.

Beck pushed the final length of the table in and glared at our sister. "I heard that."

I shot Allison a look.

He's obviously not ready to tell us about his bromances, dear sister.

/ /

Oh boy gee wiz. Assembling that table sure was fantabulous.

LOL I didn't even do anything. I went upstairs and made myself a little sno-cone cup with the sno-cone machine I don't have.

Don't judge.

But yeah, Aly yelled at me for not putting the leg on right, so I walked away, pouting and all.

It's not my fault, I'm not some master table assembler. Gawsh.

They, mostly Beck, got it done about three minutes before my mother and father arrived home from work. That's when I made my way back in to the dining room so it looked like I wasn't being lazy and actually helping my family prepare for this dinner.

My mother looked it up and down and gave me an approving smile before saying, "Good job, Gwendolyn. This table shall do wonderfully."

Did she say wonderfully?

It might have been, "This table will be grand," Or any other of those fancy phrases.

I was too entranced in my new background picture. David and I at the beach. Such a lovely picture. Less than three you, David.

"So, after doing a bit of research on the Edison's," Oh my gosh, my mother is a creeper. Who does research on people just because they're having dinner here? Well...I guess they are sort of famous- "After having our Caribbean grilled scallop salads, we're going to be having fresh herb-coated beef tenderloin steaks with mushroom gravy and baked potatoes. I figured that their children are probably used to eating dished like these, so it'd be perfect. I also read that Mrs. Edison is a very big mushroom gravy lover."

That's a curious thing to be a big lover of.

Mushroom gravy.

Other than that pinch of information, it sounded really good.

I turned to look at Aly to see if her face matched her opinion, and oh boy did it match.

She looked disgusted. Jeez, she's already gotten revoked from going to her dance camp, and now she's going to say something that's gonna land her in the dog house.

"Yeah, seared cow flesh is really what I want to have slopped on my plate while my boyfriend is here. You do know that I don't like steak right, mother?" She asked, flicking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Beck looked away, and I followed his lead. Neither of us want to get in the middle of an argument between my mother and sister. Heck, even my dad looked away.

"Allison, we're trying to impress the Edison's. If you don't want to eat it, then don't eat it. Just eat the carribean salad." She said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Aly scoffed, "You try to hard."

"Then sta-" Jane stopped. We avoid the word starve in this house, if some of you readers are just joining us now. Mom cleared her throat, "Just pretend like you're having a good time."

Cue my sister walking away, complete mumbles and grumbles mode.

Also cue my other three family members and myself shaking their heads at their lovely daughter slash sister.

/ /

I dreamed that I picked an outfit for the dinner, but it turned out so awful that Aly, Brittany and Jade laughed at me and I sat in the corner and cried.

It got worse when David said he didn't want to date me anymore because I have a terrible sense of fashion.

This can only mean one thing.

I'm going with the dressy shirt outfit, rather than the not so formal ruffled dress.

That dream cannot become a reality.

It's not good that I've been putting this outfit decision thing off all day. How long is all day, you ask?

Well, let's just say our guests get here in about an hour or so.

Hey! It's not like I've had anyone to ask opinions on my choices.

Beck's been in his RV all day, and Aly went to Jade's house to get ready, just leaving me here by my lonesome.

Lonely.

I'm so lonely.

I have nobody.

"I'm home!" Le gasp. Am not lonely anymore!

I ran out of my room and beamed at the top of the stairs. "Allison! I neeeed your help!"

"No amount of help can, er, help you, kid." She smirked, starting to head up the stairs.

Coming from the girl who attended therapy for like, three weeks.

I'll ignore her comment though, because I'm in dire need of an outfit. "I'm in dire need of an outfit, Als."

See? Told you.

When we reached my room, I scurried in and held up the one coral shirt and the dress that I've been trying to decide on since yesterday.

My sister stared at them, "Well, I'm not wearing a dress. So, you shouldn't either. Wear the shirt and leggings. It'll look good."

Thank you, oh msytical fashionista that happens to be my sister. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

She rolled her eyes and nodded, going across the hallway to her own room. "I'll be getting ready, so do not disturb."

Aly also said that kind of threateningly.

As long as she doesn't come downstairs to the dinner in some sort of lengerie for Cory, my parents will be good with whatever she dresses in.

Except a mini skirt and high hooker heels.

Or a bandeu and high waisted short shorts.

Or a lace bra, biker jacket and leather pants.

I shook my thoughts of those strange outfits and looked at the clock. Only forty five minutes left until everyone arrives.

Oh, remember that storm I mentioned before? Well, it sort of made it's way here.

The sky is so dark, and not just because it's basically nighttime. The thunder is getting pretty intense, and the rain drops get heavier every minute.

My mom saw the weather and almost burst in to tears, sobbing about how she took off of work and she hopes everyone can make it through the storm.

I sort of hope everyone makes it too.

Because I look damn good in this outfit.


	8. kuzco, eat your heart out

_"I just don't like the idea that any time there's a dinner invitation, there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it." __"You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself." __-Seinfeld_

**Aly's POV**

My house is currently filled with four different families. One of those families is mine and another one is my boyfriend's, who are going to sit down at a humongous table that we, meaning just Beck, built and my parents will socialize with his parents and most likely humiliate me.

That was quite a long sentence, but it had to be said.

But we haven't gotten to the dinner part yet. We're just doing the kind of awkward talk to people before dinner and pretend like you care about their lives part.

Jade's dad, who is apparently named Stanley, seemed to be having a decent conversation with my dad and Shin, David's dad. They're all businessmen, so I guess they have some common ground. They're probably talking about staplers or something.

Cory's family was the last to arrive, probably because there are like twenty of them to get ready. My mother was the one to answer the door, but I sort of stood beside her. "Why, hello! It's a pleasure to finally meet you!" Tone it down, Mother. "I'm Jane Oliver and this, as you know, is my daughter Allison."

If they know, then why did you feel the need to say it?

She likes hosting dinners too much.

As they stepped into the foyer, Ethan closed the humongous umbrella that most of his family had been hiding under and held out his hand. "Ethan Edison." He smiled that smile that Cory definitely inherited from him and as my mom shook his hand, he added, "The pleasure is all ours."

Okay, you know the rest of Cory's family, so I won't bother writing out their introductions.

But, um, where's Cory? Last time I checked, he's the reason the Edison bunch is here in the first place.

As the rest of them mixed into the smallish crowd in our foyer and living room, Elaine stayed behind and smiled at us. "Thank you so much for having us. Things have been so busy since we moved, we've hardly had any time to make friends or even relax. This dinner is just what Ethan and I needed."

Dude, dinner with my family is never relaxing.

"It's our pleasure!" My mother's smile got even wider, if that's possible, and she said, "I've been dying to get to know my little Aly's boyfriend for ages now! And of course we should get to know his family!"

You've known about him for, like, five days now. That's not ages.

And I am not little. Calling someone 'my little' anything makes them sound five.

Ugh.

"Well, we're just lucky Cory met a girl as great as Aly." Elaine patted my arm and I gave her a small but grateful grin back.

Because compliments make Allison happy.

Elaine pulled a long, thin decorative box out of her huge purse and handed it to my mother. "This is just a little thank you gift for all the trouble you must have gone through."

My mother's smile faltered for a second, but it didn't stay that way for long. The hostess can't be rude when it comes to gifts, after all.

Even if it's a bottle of wine.

"I got the best one from our cellar. I hope you like Chardonnay."

Oh, if only you knew how much she likes it, Elaine.

Just when I thought she was going to tell her she couldn't drink that- "... Thank you. This will go excellently with the beef tenderloin."

LOLwut.

Only this was not a situation in which one should laugh out loud.

As soon as Elaine scurried off to talk to Kimiko and Ruby, Jade's mom (get it? Ruby and Jade? ... No wonder Jade's so bitter), I pulled my mother to the side. "Are you frickin' insane? You can't drink that! What about that whole 'swearing off alcohol' shit?"

Jane huffed and gave me a cross look. "First of all, watch your-"

"Really? You're holding a bottle of Chardonnay and your main concern is my language?"

"... And second of all, your father and I are not going to drink this, but I wasn't about to tell a woman I just met that my husband and I are recovering alcoholics. We'll let the other adults have some, and as soon as everyone's gone, we'll pour it out, okay?"

She didn't give me a chance to answer and just walked off.

Well then.

But before my mood could get any worse, Cory swooped in to save the day.

And he was sopping wet.

"Dude, did you just decide to stand out in the rain for, like, five minutes or were you hoping you'd catch pneumonia so you'd die and wouldn't have to sit through this dinner? Where were you?" I took his now extremely heavy hoodie off of him and hung it up on the coat rack.

Cory combed wet hair out of his face and smiled at me. "Sorry. I dropped something in the car and it took me a while to find it."

I let out a small snort and said, "Well why didn't you have Wendell get it and bring it in here so you wouldn't get all wet?"

"It's his night off. My parents do know how to drive, y'know."

Cory smirked and I just ran a hand over his drippy hair. "Cmon, let's go towel you off."

Before taking him upstairs, I looked to make sure my relatives, Beck and Gwen specifically, wouldn't butt in and question why we were going upstairs. But they were too busy talking to Jade, Austin, Brittney and Kellan so they were distracted. And Mandy was wrapped around Beck's legs anyway, so he couldn't have followed us up the steps even if he tried.

After grabbing a fresh towel from the bathroom, I went into my room and tossed it to Cory, who was sitting on my bed and probably getting it wet with his butt.

That didn't sound weird at all.

When he dried his hair off a little, it made it look all sexy and tousled. Aly likey.

"Look, Als, can I just tell you something?"

I nodded. "As long as it's not about how big my ass looks in these jeans."

I was just kidding, but Cory still gave me this serious look. "Hey. Don't say that. You look gorgeous tonight."

I did. With my purple off the shoulder tunic and super tight black skinny jeans, I looked like a friggin' goddess.

"You don't look half bad yourself." Cory has this expression on his face. One I've never really seen on him before. I think it's the look of someone who's...

... Nervous?

"Uh, Cory? What were you going to tell me?"

"Oh. Right." Cory sighed, running a hand through his still damp hair. Then he took my hand in his slightly moist one. "Look, I really just want to say, it was... it was really brave. You telling me about your, uh, eating disorder and all."

I almost wanted to tell him he didn't have to step on eggshells while talking about it, but... it was kind of cute, seeing him act all awkward. Maybe that's why Gwen likes David so much.

Meh, I'll spare him.

"Calm down, David. It's fine." I smirked and his tension seemed to fade when I mockingly called him David.

Cory tried to fight back a smirk as he rubbed his thumb along the top of my hand. "Still, that had to be hard to talk about, and I really appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me that."

What a dweeb.

So why did I like so much that he said that?

"Why wouldn't I trust you?" I scooted closer to him and gave him a small kiss. "You're special."

"I feel the same way about you." Cory smiled. "Which is why I want to give you something."

A gift? Bitchin'.

"I was going to wait until your birthday, but I don't think I can." He let go of my hand so he could pull something out of his pocket.

Something that's silver and very expensive looking.

"I swear to God, if you get on one knee or tell me some crap about 'waiting until marriage', I'm going to-"

Cory let out a laugh and told me, "Sometimes a ring is just a ring, Aly."

Good. Because I'm not waiting until marriage to ride your disco stick.

Lady Gaga would hang her head in shame if I did.

"Kellan dragged me with him to a jewelry store to get a birthday gift for some girl he's been dating, because if his manliness was being destroyed to bits, then mine had to be too." Cory let out another chuckle as he looked back down at the ring. "But when I saw this ring, I immediately thought of you... And I gladly lost the rest of my manly pride when I bought it."

I smiled, finally taking the ring from him. "It's beautiful," I quietly murmured. Upon further inspection, I saw that there was an inscription on it.

"Live Life, Be Brave?" I read aloud before looking at him.

"It really was brave, telling me that. And going through it, obviously. Not many people have that will. You're one of the strongest girls I've ever met, Allison Jane Oliver." Cory took the ring, slid it on my right ring finger, then gently stroked a hand along my cheek. "And it's just one of the thousands of reasons why I love you."

Oh my God. That is probably the most amazing thing I have ever heard.

Don't cry. Don't you dare cr-

Damn. Here come the waterworks.

You're lucky I love you too, you jerk.

/ /

After a few minutes of lip wrestling and other couple-ish activities that require a lot of hormones, Cory and I came back downstairs to find that we were just in time for dinner.

Yay.

The table was long enough, thankfully, considering there were nineteen people sitting at it.

Twenty if you count Amanda's imaginary friend. He's a talking llama and his name is Hortense.

This is why I don't like most kids.

But Mandy's an Edison kid, so I'm kinda forced to like her.

And she is kind of cute.

"Hortense needs a chair too," the little blonde told us, looking at an empty spot by her place near the end of the table.

We only have enough chairs for people who aren't talking llamas, so tough nubs.

Before Jane could have a panic attack and start sobbing about how the evening was ruined because Hortense had to stand (and don't you say my mother's above that), Gwen, who had just come in the dining room, grabbed the air and walked over to her. "Here you go! An invisible chair for your invisible friend," she told the five year old, 'scooting' Hortense's chair in for him.

Amanda beamed at Gwen as if she had just given her a pony that pees glitter glue. "Thank you!"

"Don't mention it. Hortense is a guest too!" Gwen patted her on the head before taking the empty seat next to David.

Gwen's so good with kids. She's going to be a great mom someday. And Ethan and Elaine, who had gotten up to cut Mandy's steak, exchanged a glance, as if they were lucky to have found her.

Stanley just snorted, shaking his head. "You need to solve that problem before it gets out of hand," he muttered to Ethan.

Ethan looked confused. "What problem?"

Stanley crossed his arms. "That 'imaginary friend' nonsense. She'll never be a functioning member of society if you keep letting her imagination run rampid like that."

Cue everyone looking between him and Mandy after that comment and Mrs. West facepalming and mumbling something about how he had promised to behave.

Mandy was chomping on her steak and sneaking peeks at Beck at this point, so she didn't hear Jade's dad basically say she's going to be a lunatic when she grows up.

The storm going on outside got even louder, if that's possible.

Elaine, after sitting back down, raised an eyebrow. "She's five years old. It's perfectly normal to have an imaginary friend at that age."

Stanley didn't look impressed. "Believe whatever you want, but children need to learn that life isn't about living in lala land. They need to realize that life is serious and should be taken seriously. They shouldn't be encouraged to pursue ridiculous hobbies such as acting or art-"

I looked over at Jade. She was glaring at her father, with Beck resting a hand on her fist, which was wrapped around the handle of a steak knife, to prevent her from acting upon the murderous thoughts she was most likely having.

"Excuse me," my mother interrupted his rant, still trying to smile, since the hostess is supposed to do that until everyone leaves. "But how is it ridiculous for a child to thrive in the arts?"

Kimiko nodded in agreement. "Don't you think you should support and encourage your child to be creative, if that's what they love and what they excel in?"

Jade snorted, dropping the knife and snatching her hand from Beck's. "Please. My great grandmother's bra is more supportive than he is."

Stanley glared at his daughter. "Maybe if you took that jewelry off of your face, I'd actually care about your opinion."

Beck sighed. "Mr. West, you don't have to talk to her like-"

"Don't defend her, Beckett," Mr. West told him. "You're just using my daughter as your beard, anyway."

Oh boy.

"What's he talking about?" I heard Mikey whisper to Brittney. "That guy doesn't have a beard."

Brittney obviously didn't want to explain, so she joined the rest of the teenagers and kids, minus Jade, in awkwardly eating their steak. Oh, and pretending like they couldn't hear the adults and Jade bickering with Stanley over the increasingly loud lightning about how he shouldn't talk about how creativity and expression is a waste of time when half the kids at that table go to a school that teaches you the opposite.

So this dinner is going even worse that I thought it would.

Thanks a lot, Hortense.

While I stabbed my salad a few times just for the hell of it, I heard Stanley say something about how Jade had an imaginary duck named Diego when she was four and how he 'took care of it.'

"Yeah, by shooting it with an imaginary gun!" Jade shouted, standing up. "That duck was the last ounce of innocence I had and you ruined it, just like you ruin everything else!"

I guess that explains why she hates ducks.

And then it was completely dark.

And silent.

I've never been more relived for a blackout in my life.

I heard a few people shuffle around, murmur and get out of their seats, two of them probably being my mother and father. "Don't worry, everyone!" Jane declared. "James is going to go see if he can get the power back on. Please stay seated, he should get it done fairly soon."

I patted around the table for Cory's hand, and I found one.

"Uh, Aly? This isn't Cory."

Oops. Sorry, Kellan.

Let's try that again...

"Oh yeah, I knew you'd turn around, Aly."

Austin. Ew. I'll quit before it gets even worse.

I'm kind of surprised Amanda hasn't freaked out and started sobbing. Most little kids are scared of the dark, right?

But I didn't have much time to think about that, because the power came back on. James is useful for something, after all.

"Oh, thank goodness," my mother sighed. "That could have been disastrous."

"Hey," Michael said, Glancing to his right. "Where's Mandy?"

Pretty much everyone turned to gawk at the empty seat. And then they turned to exchange either confused or worried glances with each other.

I knew having a dinner party in the middle of a huge storm with nineteen people and a talking llama was a bad idea.


	9. resistance is futile

_One quick announcement before we go on with the chapter. But have you ever wanted to have something specific happen to Aly, Gwen, and co. that could fit into a convenient oneshot? You could be in luck! I got an ask on Tumblr recently wondering if Cici and I were willing to write holiday/__special little oneshot-type deals, and we thought it was an awesome idea. But we can only do so much, so we'd like to hear what you all would like to read about. Leave us suggestions for plots and ideas on our tumblrs at srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter. All drabbles will be posted to our tumblrs, so that's even more of an incentive to check them out and follow us, huh?_

_okay, I'll shut up. enjoy the fantabulous chapter that Cici wrote!_

* * *

><p><em>"Every disaster screams for humor." -Sylvia Millemam<em>

**Gwen's POV**

Insert a bunch of worried parents babbling about the loss of a little girl named Amanda Patrice Edison.

Also, if you don't mind, insert a picture of me giggling quietly to myself about how Mandy's initials spell out ape.

It's kind of hilarious. But in this moment, it's a little scary that we don't know where she is.

I mean, she's only about four feet tall, where could a four-foot tall person be? Besides the carnival that is.

Maybe she was kidnapped…

Oh, Gwen. Would who kidnap Mandy? Surely we would have heard the front door open or something.

Although there was quite a few loud gasps from several people in the room when the power went out.

Oh my Bieber. What if she seriously was kidnapped? I mean, a lot of people know that the Edison's moved to Los Angeles, and I bet people knew we were inviting them over for dinner.

Wanna know how I know that the bad guys found out we were inviting them over?

Of course you do.

Well, I bet they followed Cory around and when we went to the beach they sneakily slipped a mini microphone on to him, so they would know where the Edison's would be when they launched their kidnapping plan.

"Those bastards…"

David grabbed my hand and gave it a small squeeze, "Babe, are you talking to yourself?"

Ah, chiz. I was, wasn't I?

"Sorry," I blushed. "I was, uhm, trying to figure out where Mandy could be." Boyfriend doesn't need to know my inner thoughts at this moment in time.

He could be bugged too.

Everyone's a suspect.

A very hysterical Elaine Edison stood up and clutched a hanky in her hand, wiping her eyes a bit. "We need to find my baby!"

Whoa there.

From what Aly says, Cory makes it sound like his parents are rarely ever home. Mrs Edison sure does care a lot about a girl she barely sees. Then again, it is her youngest daughter, so that whole unconditional maternal love thing applies here, I guess.

Ethan started stroking his wife's hand, and the two oldest Edison's were also trying to console here.

My Mom joined their side and tried to act as calm as possible. As calm as one can be at their own dinner party where one of the youngest guests have just gone missing.

So not very calm at all.

But from this façade, I can tell where Beckett and I get our acting talents.

I looked over at said brother, who was already up and trying to convince his girlfriend to help him look for Mandy.

Yeah, well, Jade is busy playing with a knife and trying to ignore her dad's not so quiet conversation about how the imaginative girl probably 'was persuaded by her fictional friend to throw herself off the roof'.

Stanley is a big poop.

After making a face at Mr West, my eyes traveled to find my sister sitting alone with her jaw leaning on her palm.

Apparently Cory had set off to join his family in trying to stop his mother's uncontrollable weeping.

Jeez, this woman can hold a lot of tears.

"I'll be-"

Aaaand the power went off again.

I swear, if this comes back on and someone else is gone, I'm definitely positive that kidnappers are in our midst.

For right now, I'm pretty much latched on to David, his hands tightening around my waist as if he was trying to keep me safe from all harm.

Gwendolyn doesn't really appreciate when the power goes out. It frightens her; talking in third person calms her.

I heard a loud groan from my father as he stomped back in to the basement. Moments later, the power was back on and everyone was still in their seats.

"Sorry about that. This storm is really giving our power a run for its money." My mother let out a curt laugh and went back to focusing on Mrs. Edison.

David loosened his grip and I stepped up a bit, "What were you gonna say, Gwen?" He smiled.

I returned it, looked at Aly, and grabbed David's hand. "On second thought, why don't you come with me?"

We both journeyed to the end of the table where Aly was sitting with the Edison's. "Als?" I poked her shoulders.

She stared up at me and shook her head. "Ugh, I'm so glad you're here. I can't take," Aly lowered her voice and turned her head away, "Over reactive weepy people."

That's a lovely way to describe someone who doesn't know where her daughter is, sis.

"I think we should all look around the house for Amanda," Kimiko suggested, standing up.

I nodded in agreement, as did a bunch of other people at the table. But…I have a better idea.

"And while some of you are looking for Mandy, Aly and I shall interrogate people!" That was said with a huge, Gwenny grin on my face.

Not that the people at the table shared my expression.

Especially Allison. "Uhm, how about you don't interrogate people nor include me in your ideas, we look for this child, and we return to this lousy dinner!" My sister threw her hands up and gave me a scornful look.

"Allison. Respect your sister's suggestions and do not call my dinner lousy." Aly just got a taste of her own scornful looks thrown from my mother.

Ten points to Mommy.

Stanley stood up and glared with his grouchy face, "Why in the world would we need to be interrogated?" He asked, staring at me. "And why are you encouraging such behavior, Mrs. Oliver?" Stanley shifted from me to Jane.

Jade, not being able to take any more of her father's voice I presume, got out of her chair and grabbed the back of Beck's dressy shirt. "We're going to go look upstairs." Without throwing us a second glance, they walked out of the room.

Guess I don't need to interrogate them.

Ruby exasperatedly sighed, but none the less gave me a sympathetic smile. "Gwendolyn, sweetheart, why do you think you need to interrogate us?"

Before I could say anything, Aly was the next to stand up in this endless chorus of chairs being pushed back and scraping against the wood floor. "My sister has a fascination with mystery murder dinner themes. When we were younger she used to beg my parents to let her host them. Gwen used to go all out from picking the victim to interrogating everyone in the room. And by all out, I mean, let's just say some of my childhood dresses are ruined because she has some sort of love for fake blood."

That was a really long explanation, Allison. Well done. You've captured my mystery taste quite well.

But now it's time for interrogations.

Muhahahaha.

/

So yeah, hey there and stuff.

Ruby, Jane, Elaine, Ethan, Kellan, Britt, Jade, Kimiko, Shin and Beck are all off looking for Amanda.

Cory is watching Mikey while Aly is watching Cory's ass. Gross.

James and David are down in the basement trying to look for our generator so that we don't have to worry about anymore freak power outages.

Austin's texting someone who may or may not be his new girlfriend.

And then there's Stanley, who's just sitting at the table being a big grouch.

Little does he know that he's my first suspect.

"So…" I glared at him while walking around the table to get a little closer. That sounds so wrong.

I bet Beck would have taken it the wrong way. Pervert.

He sighed. "Gwendolyn, I really don't think-"

"Think that I know all about your dirty little plan! Well I do! And I'll be asking the questions here!" I resisted the urge to slap him like Stabler does on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

Man, that's a good show.

Oh right, interrogations.

"What plan? Are you on any special medication?"

How rude. Resist the slap, Gwen.

I scrunched my eyebrows together and glared at him. "My first question! Why are you such a grouch?"

That doesn't have anything to do with why Mandy is missing, but hey, I wanna know.

As I waited for Mr West's answer, I heard Cory shuffle closer to Aly and whisper, "I think your sister is going a little overboard."

I turned around in time to see Aly nod at him.

"Watch it, Cornelius! Or I'm gonna have to ask you some questions too!" I said, in my bad cop voice.

I'm so BA, I have a BA cop voice.

Do you have a cop voice? I think not.

I could tell Cory was suppressing a smile, but he rolled his eyes instead. "Gwen, why would I want to get rid of my own little sister?"

Er.

I don't know.

But he's not my suspect and he's not a cop, so I don't have to answer that right now. Plllehhhhh.

I don't know how to make a tongue noise via inner dialogue, so I just stuck with that.

"You haven't answered my question!" I slammed my hands down on the table in front of Stanley and he looked a little taken back. "Are you feeling guilty? Did you wanna 'take care' of Mandy's imaginary friend problem by taking care of Mandy herself?"

"Ugh, you're not making any sense, Gwen. Look, during the power outage, I was explaining to my wife that if I would have kept Jade's so called innocent imaginary friend alive, she'd probably have more face jewelry than she does now!" He crossed his arms and leaned back into his chair.

Mm…should that cross him off as a suspect?

I felt a hand on my shoulder, "Dude, it's only two piercings. I don't get how that's so bad. At least her and Beck don't have a kid."

It was Aly.

Stanley huffed, "That's because they don't have intercourse, because Jade is only acting as Beckett's beard."

Both Aly and I almost burst in to laughter.

Beck and Jade don't have intercourse? LOLOL.

Aly straightened up and rolled her eyes, "If you don't believe they're not shacking up, you should totally just stand outside the RV at around seven o'clock on a Friday night."

Cue Stanley's face losing all color.

"I, er, I'm going to go help look for the lost little girl."

Bye Stanley.

I smiled at my sister, "Good, now that you're up, you can help me interrogate Austin!" I pointed around to the older Shizuka boy and he auto got up and sat down at the table.

He totes has a major not so subtle crush on my sister. It's pretty weird. And I dislike him great amounts, so maybe I won't resist my slapping urges this time.

"Whenever you're ready," He grinned at Aly. "Feel free to, you know, get hands on."

Excuse me while I throw up on his creeper face.

I narrowed my eyes. "Austin, where were you on the last Tuesday of three months ago?"

'Cause those are the kinds of questions cops ask. Juss' sayin'.

Aly slapped the back of my head. "You're a terrible cop, Gwendoloser. Austin, did you see anything abnormal during the outage?"

Austin smirked, "Nah. I was busy…uhm, texting."

Why so hesitant? "That's not a clear answer."

"Okay, okay, I might have been staring at your sister's rack."

Resistance is futile, that's what they say right?

I totally just slapped Austin Shizuka right across his slimy face. It felt good.

He slid his chair father away, rubbing the side of his face. "Fine. When the power went out, I sort of saw Amanda get out of her seat and walk out of the room. After that it sort of sounded like the front door opened, right after your dad came upstairs."

In an instant, Cory's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. "I think I know where she is."

"Oh good, I helped. Aly, I think you should give me a complimentary kiss."

My sister scoffed and pointed at Cory. "That's my boyfriend. Why would I let you kiss me in front of my boyfriend?"

"I don't know, for the same reason you let my little brother get to second base when you were dating Sean?"

Yeah, I may have slapped him again.


	10. mandeck is canon now, gais

tumblrs: _srzlysaywhaaaa_ and _kelsthecowriter_

* * *

><p><em>A day without laughter is a day wasted. -Charlie Chaplin<em>**  
><strong>

**Aly's POV**

Austin is probably the creepiest creep in the history of creepdom.

And I know a lot of creeps, so that's really saying something.

Cory opened the front door and as the three of us walked out of the house, I asked, "Why the wonk would she want to be out here? It's all dark and gross and depressing."

Actually, by that description, I'm surprised Jade didn't run out here.

Before Cory could even answer, Gwen cried, "Maybe she's hiding from the kidnappers in the bushes!" If she had been able to see Cory and I, she would have shrunken back in embarrassment from the looks we gave her. But she didn't see them.

She was too busy jumping in one of the bushes by our driveway, calling for Mandy and doing some kind of bird call or something.

What.

Cory looked at me, then asked, "Where's Beck's RV?"

"Uh, Mom made him move it so there'd be room for everybody's cars." I pointed to the spot where he parked it, on the strip of grass between the driveway and our neighbor's fence. "But why-"

Wait.

Oh.

DUH.

Amanda's infatuated with Beck. Of course. She probably went into his recreational vehicle so she could wear his clothes and smell his pillow.

But I hope she's not doing that last thing, because that's creepy. Especially for a five year old.

"She's in the RV! Just as I suspected!" Gwen screeched, stumbling out of the bush and over to us.

I wish that had been a rosebush she had been flopping around in.

After Gwen pulled a twig out of her hair, the three of us walked over to the Silver Streak, but the door was locked and I don't have a key.

I have a foot, though.

Thank you, Jade.

As soon as I kicked in the door, Cory, Gwen and I stuffed ourselves through the door of that tin can. To our relief, my boyfriend knew his little sister pretty well.

Amanda was sitting on Beck's bed, wearing at least three of his flannels and his biggest pair of boots, with Duke curled up by her side.

Oh. So that's where he went.

Wait, why do I care where the damn dog was? I don't even like it.

Moving on.

Cory let out a groan, though I think it was mostly a sigh of relief. "Mandy, there you are." He flopped down next to her and wrapped an arm around her in a half hug. "You shouldn't run off like that, especially when the rest of us are blind as bats."

"Sorry," Mandy quietly said, patting Duke on his head, which was rested on her lap. " Hortense was s'posed to tell you guys where I was."

"Well, Hortense is lousy at spreading the word, apparently." I sat down at the chair in front of Beck's desk and Gwen stood beside me. "All of us have been losing our minds trying to find you, y'know."

Mandy looked at all of us with guilty blue eyes. "I just wanted to play in my boyfriend's house."

Cory sighed. "Kiddo, Beck already has a girlfriend."

Mandy gave him a look, as if she didn't realize why he bothered pointing that out. "I know. I'm his other girlfriend."

I blinked in confusion, then asked, "And you're okay with that?"

Mandy nodded. "Yeah! I'm good at sharing."

You are going to make a damn dirty cheater very happy one day, Amanda Edison.

And with the most serious expression I've ever seen on a child, she added, "And then when Beck gets sick of that icky other girl and her icky face, he can date just me and we'll get married and have eleventy hundred kids and live in a bounce house."

... Well then.

This is a girl with a plan for her future.

And I'm actually kind of surprised she knows Beck's name. She calls him 'my boyfriend' so much, I assumed she thought that was his name.

"Okay, we need to get you inside before Mom has a stroke." Cory grabbed his sister's hand, but quickly retracted. As quickly as he could anyway, since he had to shake it off. "Why's your hand so sticky?"

Mandy looked down at her lap and shrugged. "I dunno..." She picked up the scissors that I hadn't even noticed had been in her lap and before she could set them down, Cory took them from her.

"And what are you doing with these?" Cory asked, setting the extremely sharp scissors on Beck's side table. "Dad says you're not allowed to touch anything sharper than a hard boiled egg."

Mandy looked like she was going to say something, probably 'I dunno' again, but before she could, I guess Gwen noticed something on the ground and picked it up. "A glue stick?" She and I exchanged a look. I guess that explains her sticky hand. But the real question? "Um, Mandy, what have you been doing in here?" Gwen asked, sitting on the free spot to Duke's right, where he happily crawled onto her lap. When he did, we were all finally able to see that he had been laying on something. "Hey, what are these?"

"N-Nothin'." Amanda tried to grab them, but Gwen was too quick for her. As soon as Gwen flipped through the something or others, she fell off the bed and ROFL'd.

I didn't think people did that in real life.

"What's so funny?" Cory asked, picking up the whatevers from the spot that Gwen dropped them. Cory flipped through them, and by the look on his face, I expected him to ROFL too. But because my boyfriend has a little more self control than my sister, and by that I mean he HAS self control, he choked it back and gave Mandy a look. "Seriously?"

I snatched them from him, which gave him the perfect opportunity to rest his head in his hands at whatever his little sister did.

What's the big deal? It was a picture of my brother in the Black Box Theater, with-

Well, it used to be Jade. And it still technically is her body.

But now she has Mandy's head pasted over hers.

I looked at another. This time, Beck was at the Asphalt Cafe, seated at our usual table, his arm wrapped around Jamanda

That's what I am hereby calling this fusion of Jade and Amanda.

I looked at another.

And another.

And another.

All of the Bade pictures my brother owned were now Bamanda pictures.

Or Amandeck.

Or maybe it should be Bandy.

Or Mandeck.

That last one sounds nice.

And that is the tale of how I joined Gwendolyn in ROFLing.

"Where did you even get these pictures of yourself?" I could hear Cory ask his sister over Gwen's cackling.

"In a big book with lots of pictures that Mommy has on her desk in her office."

"... Yeah, Mom's going to be really happy about that."

After a few minutes, Gwen and I calmed down, so we sat up, seeing Cory help Mandy out of the several flannels she had pulled on. "When we get inside and Mom's done gushing over you, you have to tell Beck what you did to his pictures."

"No, don't tell him!" I got up right as he was yanking Beck's boots off of the five year old. "I want to see the look on his face when he sees them!"

Cory sat the boots down and gave me a confused look. "Um, as long as I don't get the blame for it."

"Don't worry, he won't get mad for it." I smirked. "He'll just be insanely confused and it will be the most hilarious thing in the history of the world."

Cory raised an amused eyebrow at me, then looked back at Amanda. "I guess I could be worse off. You could be as awful of a sister as Aly is."

Gwen and Mandy shared a laugh, and Cory received a punch in the leg from yours truly.

If I didn't love him so much and didn't want him to be the father of my future children, that punch would have been higher up than his leg.

Before we left to bring Amanda back and be big damn heroes for finding the lost little girl, I threw the pictures on Beck's desk so he'd hopefully see them when he turned in for the night.

I think Mandy's my favorite Edison that isn't Cory.

"Amanda!" Elaine screeched as soon as we walked through the door, pushing past her two oldest children to get to her youngest. "Oh, my baby, thank goodness you're safe!" She kneeled down and proceeded to hug the daylights out of young Amanda.

"We found her in the RV that Aly's brother lives in," Cory told his mother as he walked past her and over to his three other siblings. He was probably going to tell them what the chizz happened, since they looked insanely confused.

I guess they didn't know about the fact that Beck doesn't actually live in our house.

Then how did Mandy?

"I'll go tell everyone we found her." Gwen scurried off, passing Stanley and Ruby as she did, who walked into the foyer to see Mandy was found.

Elaine composed herself as much as she could and looked down at her daughter. "Sweetheart, why did you leave the house when it was so dark out?"

Mandy pointed next to her, even though there was nothing there, and told her mom, "Hortense told me it would be a good idea."

Stanley had this smug look on his face, as if Mandy had just proven that everything he said about imaginary friends corrupting young minds was true.

Ruby noticed her husband's arrogant expression and slapped his shoulder. "Oh, shut up, Stanley."

Yeah, shut up, Stanley.

/ /

I'd describe the rest of the dinner, but really, Mandy's little escape was the highlight of the meal.

And that's saying something.

And no, Cory giving me the ring doesn't count. That happened before the dinner.

Which was suckish.

But you already know that.

I'm just thankful it's finally over so I can kick my heels off and pretend Stanley and Austin don't exist.

Stanley made Jade leave before she could make out with Beck, so they left my home screaming at each other. Ruby gave us a weary smile and thanked us for the delicious meal that wasn't all that delicious.

At least not to me.

"Bye, my little Asian love muffin," Gwen whispered as she hugged David while the rest of his family said their goodbyes to everyone.

"Baby," David quietly started, "I know that I'm Asian. You don't have to keep reminding me."

"... Fine. Goodbye, my awkward, extremely tall turtle dove."

"On second thought, I'm pretty proud of my heritage."

There you go, David. Quit while you're ahead.

As soon as they were gone, the Edisons decided it was time to head home. Elaine was emotionally exhausted, and that was believable, considering she spent half the evening sobbing her guts out.

Cory pulled me closer to him, giving me a quick kiss on the lips. I guess he didn't want to go any deeper, what with his family being two feet away and all. That wouldn't stop me. Just saying. "Bye. Thanks for an... interesting night."

I scoffed. "If you had believed that story about my family being vampires, you wouldn't have had to put up with all this."

Cory shrugged, giving me an insanely sexy smile. "Hey, I kinda like the insanity that comes with the Oliver family." He leaned closer to me and whispered, "And I would totally risk vampire-fication for you."

"That is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard." I rolled my eyes, giving him a longer kiss. That is, until I felt someone tug on the bottom of my shirt. I pulled away, seeing Mandy looking up at me with her big blue eyes that reminded me so much of Gwen's when she was that age.

Cory had left to thank my parents for dinner or something lame like that, so I had time to crouch down. "What's up?"

"If Beck gets mad at me, can you please tell him I'm really sorry and that I hope he'll still love me?" The look on her face was so innocent, I just had to keep myself from laughing in it.

"He's not gonna get mad. He'll probably think it's cute."

Mandy smiled. "He's the perfect man. Mama knows how to pick 'em."

Okay, I did laugh that time. But hey, that was really cute.

I shrugged. "I'm just sorry you didn't get one of those pictures."

"Oh, I did!" She pulled something out of her tiny pink purse and handed it to me. It was a picture of my brother at the beach, but neither Jade nor Jamanda were in it. It was just Beck.

And he didn't have a shirt on.

"Um, you found this in Beck's RV?"

Why does my brother have a shirtless picture of himself laying around? He's not that much of a narcissist, is he?

"I didn't find that there." Mandy sheepishly grinned. "I kinda taked it from the icky girl's purse when the lights were still out."

I was speechless. This kid stole from Jade and still had her knee caps.

... Forget what I said before. Mandy is definitely my favorite Edison that isn't Cory.

At this point, she might even have Cory beat.

And before I knew it, the Edisons said the last of their goodbyes and were out the door.

And then there were five.

"Oh my," Jane sighed, yanking her high heels off and tossing them every which way. "That... did not go as I planned."

"It wasn't that bad," Gwen quietly said.

Beck shot her a glance. "The electricity went out twice, we spent half of the dinner looking for a little girl, and the other half mostly consisted of Jade and her dad screaming at each other."

Gwen shrugged. "Dude, I'm just glad no one got kidnapped."

Jane sighed again. "I suppose it could have been worse."

I told you it was going to be bad, Mother.

But I wot say anything about it out loud, because I'm too tired to argue with her.

As James and Jane headed upstairs to rest after this train wreck of a dinner, my siblings and I walked into the living room and Beck sighed. "I guess it really could have been worse."

"Yeah, Jade could have outed your ménage à trois with Robbie and Andre and then you'd have lost your beard." Beck lightly shoved me for that comment, but I took that as an excuse to flop onto the couch. Beck took the spot next to me and Gwen laid on her back on the coffee table.

Um, okay.

Gwen looked at Beck, all upside down and whatnot, and gave him a sweet smile. "Hey, Becky, I left my PearPhone on your desk. Could you get it for me?"

"Uh, sure, I guess." Beck got up and walked out the door.

My eyes connected with my sister's. "You didn't leave it out there, did you?"

"You know me so well, sister dear." She let out a giggle, but it abruptly stopped. "Hey, where'd you get that ring?" She pointed to my finger and after I looked down at it, I smiled.

I held out my hand so Gwen could get a better look at it. "Oh, nothing. Just an amazing gift from Cory, that's all."

"Wow, it's so pretty." She didn't ask about the inscription, so I guess she put two and two together.

For once.

The front door opened again, so I turned around and Gwen sat up. We were greeted by a very confused looking Beck.

"Uh, I didn't find your phone, Gwen. But, um, do either of you know why all these pictures of me and Jade," I could finally see the pictures he was glancing down at, "have Amanda's face pasted on them?"

Aaaaaand the ROFLing between Allison and Gwendolyn commences.


	11. Aly is bored but it's still interesting

ask us stuff, you silly kumquats:_ srzlysaywhaaaa _and_ kelsthecowriter _

* * *

><p><em>"Boredom: the desire for desires." -Leo Tolstoy<em>

**Aly's POV**

There's nothing to do in my house. I mean, absolutely nothing to do.

You'd think that having an epic Thursday night would lead to an amazingly fun, full of awesome Friday. Like, you know, the Katy Perry song, Last Friday Night? Well none of that is happening tonight.

There will be no dancing on table tops, or taking too many shots, or streaking.

Even though all of those are tempting...

Maybe you're asking, 'hey Aly, maybe you and your parents and siblings can do something that involves family fun!'

To that I shall reply, 'LOL my parents are not home.'

Because really guys, did you expect them to be home? Nice try, though.

Remember that stupid brunch country club or other thing I mentioned sometime that wasn't today ago? There preparing for that tonight.

So take a stab at what I'm doing tomorrow, because it aint sleeping all day. Nope. I get to get dressed up and pretend to be something I'm not to impress all these country clubbers.

Fun.

Kill me please.

I stared out the window and saw Beck throwing things into a large trash bag just outside the recreational vehicle door. Must be the Mandeck pictures young Amanda created. Sigh.

Wait a mother sluttin' minute.

I could clean my room. Oh my gosh, why didn't I think of that before?

Because I hate cleaning, that's why. God, readers, keep up.

Okay, maybe I'll just start by like, making my bed, or something. Yeah. I'll just make my bed.

Spinning my computer chair around, I looked blankly at my bed. It is rather messy. My black and white crown damask comforter is halfway off my actual queen sized mattress revealing my black sheets and my pillows are everywhere.

By everywhere, I mean everywhere, and by the plural word 'pillows' I mean four pillows, two square decorative pillows and one sort of sausage shaped decorative pillow. Ugh, and don't even get me started on where my stuffed animals are...

I, Allison Jane Oliver, am a pillow whore almost as much as Gwen is a wedge and converse whore.

How many of you would like to know why I have so many pillows?

Well they represent-

"Aly? What are you doing?" Oh, hey, there Gwendolyn.

I'll tell you guys later about my pillow obsession, no worries.

I looked up, "Nothing? Why do you sound so concerned?"

Gwen smiled and I could tell that she was biting back laughter. "You were just sitting there with your mouth open staring at your bed like it was," She turned to look at my horrible excuse for a sleeping area. Psh, like hers is any better, and it's not. "-Magically going to make itself. Dude, you're not pretending to be a wizard again are you?"

Wow. When did my taunting voice sneak into Gwen's mouth? Forget it.

I narrowed my eyes at her, "You promised to never speak of that again. Remember what I said I would do if you mentioned it?" I threatened, and she instantaneously shut her pie hole.

Muahaha.

"Seriously though," She pressed. "What were you doing?" Gwen leaned against my doorframe and twirled her bang pieces that were turning from their once bright, electric teal into a faint blue. She should really get those redone soon. I mean, if she wants to keep them.

I personally love the style on her; I just wouldn't dye the blue back in again. But hey, if that's what makes her happy, then I say go for it.

Then again...maybe she doesn't want blue. I did see her eyeing Quinn Fabray's new pink hair on the season premiere of Glee. While I was eyeing her new erotic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest, er, even if Quinn did change back, Gwen is still really impressionable.

Besides, my mom would totally freak if she dyed her whole head. 'Your hair is your crowning glory,' She always says.

I do believe her on that. I mean, my hair used to be brunette, and I took such good care of it and never even thought of dyeing it until I entered middle school. There's no deep meaning as to why I dyed it, by the way. I like it better blonde and it matches Gwen's hair. So now people do consider us being birth sisters before asking why she's so pale.

Shit. I never answered Gwen's question. I better hurry before she thinks I'm turning in to a space cadet. Just like her. "I was thinking about making my bed and cleaning, because I'm oh so bored." I rolled my eyes.

Gwen blinked. "Oh. I'm bored too. Bored. Bo-red. B-b-b-bored. Be to the oh to the are to the ee to the dee. Bo-dizzle-"

I groaned. "Shut up, chef boy are you short."

Damnit. I should have been nicer. My only shot at some entertainment just walked down the stairs.

I sighed and slumping back into my chair, I twisted it around to my laptop and opened a new Pear Characters document.

Number one on my list of things to do over the summer: be nicer to everyone.

Nah.

Backspace times eight.

Be nicer to Gwen. Much better.

Number two: let Cory get to second base. Or third. Or let the boy hit a home run.

Man, I hope Beck never sees this.

/ /

Hello there, dear readers.

Wonder where my list has gone from number two? Well, you're in luck.

Now I'm up to number ten. Would you like to hear my pretty much done list of things to do over the summer? 'Cause I'm totally going to accomplish at least five or six of these.

All right, I've already told you one and two, so I'll get right on to the next eight.

Number three: Clean out closet, while listening to 'Cleaning Out My Closet' by Eminem. I'm pretty sure that song has nothing to do with actually cleaning out one's closet, but I don't even like rap besides Nicki Minaj so it's whatever.

Number four: Teach Gwendolyn how to properly take money from our mother's purse without her noticing. She'll thank me for that later in life.

Number five: Convince Beckett to start teaching me how to drive. I'm turning sixteen, and I need to apply to get my learner's permit or license or whatever. I just want to drive so I can do fun stuff.

Number six: Have an extremely well put together sweet sixteen that everyone will be so jealous of and Tori Vega shall not be invited to but Trina will because we can put her in the closet with Rex during seven minutes of heaven.

Number seven: Find a job. I really, really, really don't want to do this one, but I've realized I can't rely on my parents for money forever, nor can I continue to steal money from them, because sooner or later I'm going to have to move out. And by move out I mean not in to an RV in the driveway.

Number eight: Get more tan than I already am. You can never be too tan, too blonde or too rich.

Number nine: Fall asleep in Cory's arms and wake up the next day in the Edison Mansion surrounded by edible bouquets of my favorite fruits. I'm not counting entirely on this one, but I'm sure I can make it happen.

Number ten: Allow Gwenny to borrow something of mine but never ask for it back. Preferably those shoes I hit her with that one time. Repeatedly. It was either a repeated shoe hit, or I've just hit her with those shoes so many times. Eh, I must not care about them enough because I never wear them and they're my go to hit Gwen shoes.

I think that's a pretty good list, no?

LOL it definitely is.

I saved the document to my desktop and smiled, pleased with myself.

Now to The Slap. Yes dot com, silly kumquats.

Insert that one song that has so many variations of the first verse but I can't remember the song name at this time.

They see me scrollin', they hatin', they think they're gonna catch me updatin' my status.

That was a terrible rendition of the song but you get the point. I like to stalk people's videos and profiles and status updated and whatnot. It's quite fun; The Slap stalking.

Don't even judge me, 'cause I bet you all do it too with your social networking websites whatever they may be.

Let's see...Trina is asking people if she knows where princes hang out. Yeah. She'll be alone until she's at least forty seven.

Rex- I'm sort of curious as to what dirty pictures a puppet would have on his phone. The thought of him even having a phone confuses the hell out of me.

Scroll, scroll, scroll...hm, Tori take requests...

I'm sure my eyes just brightened at least three thousand watts. I thought I'd never say this, but, Victoria Glitter Titters Vega, you just gave me the ultimate idea.

Why have I never made a video for The Slap before? Besides my profile video of course.

Which I had to make like, twelve times because people kept interuppting me. Ugh.

Terrible, terrible times.

Time for a new Aly Oliver status. "I'm for cereal bored and I really want to make a video, so if any of you have requests for said video comment on this status."

Whut whut.

I shut my laptop and hurried out of my room and down the stairs.

Gwen did say she was bored, so maybe she'd like (read: love) to join me in my video making adventures.

...Okay, that last sentence sounded sort of dirty, if you've got a dirty mind like me. So, just try not to have a dirty mind, you perverts.

Just like Beck.

Tsk, tsk.

"-so they're not going to a fancy chicken day spa?"

I walked in to the living room and this is what I hear. Only Gwen would say something like that.

Raising my eyebrow, I stared at my sister and brother who was now in the house and not cleaning out his mess of a home. "Do I even want to know what Gwen is talking about?"

Beck shook his head, "She, uh, wanted to know where they take the chickens in the big eighteen wheelers."

Oh, the chicken slaughter house central trucks.

I looked at him and then shifted my eyes to Gwen, who was sitting there looking all innocent like.

Ugh, Aly, remember number one on your list? Be nicer to Gwen. Don't burst her poor little adopted bubble.

That wasn't supposed to sound offensive, so I hope it didn't. It's not like she can read this anyway.

I hope. "Er, Gwen, they're not going to a fancy chicken day spa. They're going on a chicken retreat hike and campout. Seven fun filled days of chicken trails and healthy eats so they can lose some weight." I patted her head and gave her a thumbs up.

Nice save, Als. I even earned an appreciative head nod from Beck. I'm all sorts of sisterly awesome today.

Gwen colon capitol D smiled. "They are really fat, they need the healthy lifestyle."

Gullible Gwen.

I shook my head, trying to forget how child like my sisters mind can be, and took a seat next to her. "So, Gwen, how would you like this once in a lifetime chance to be in a video with me?"

"Allison, this isn't like you're let's sacrifice one of Gwen's barbie dolls to the Canadian Gods for Canada Day video, is it?" Beck interjected.

Le sigh, "Dear brother, I was seven years old. How did I know that you're not supposed to sacrifice things for Canada day?"

I make a good point. I only lived in Canada for barely two years of my life.

Do you know that Canada doesn't even have Gods? What a jip. I'll stick to worshipping Buddha and Gandhi.

And Jesus. But we've already gone over that.

Speaking of Canada day, that is in almost fourteen days.

While Gwen takes ages to answer my question, let old Aly school you a bit.

Canada Day is a Canadian holiday on July first that marks the day Canada became a self-governing country. Frequently referred to as Canada's birthday, the occasion marks the joining of the British North American colonies of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and the Province of Canada into a federation of four provinces.

Allison Jane is smart, say whaaaa?

No but seriously, it's like Independence Day for Canadians.

There are parades and fireworks and barbecues and carnivals and fairs and picnics.

Sadly, bucket for my cries, the only thing we do on Canada day in this family is call Grandma Oliver. The one I told you about a long time ago, the sourpuss.

I really wish my parents would just be like, "GUYS, THIS YEAR WE BE GOIN' TA CANADA FOR CANADA DAY."

But we're not. So I hate life.

"Als? I said I'd be in your video. Stop making the blank face you were making before when you were obviously trying to be a wizard."


	12. much laughter and sticky pearphones

tumblrs: _srzlysaywhaaaa_ and_ kelsthecowriter_

* * *

><p><em>"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." -Robert Frost<em>

**Aly's POV**

"Beck let us borrow his camera?" Gwen was setting said camera that belongs to my brother up on a tripod in front of the living room couch.

Too busy getting it all set up to look at me, Gwen shook her head. "No, I just like stealing things."

Well, alright then. I'm not complaining.

At least I'm not until she starts stealing my things.

Gwen, still messing around with some wires, told me, "Okay, I've got it hooked up to your laptop so it will automatically upload to TheSlap. Kind of like a live streaming."

"Wow. How'd you learn to do that?"

"I saw something about it on a Tech Time with Freddie video." She shrugged, fixing up the last of the colorful wires. "I mostly just watched it 'cause Freddie Benson is a hot hunk of nerd, but it was actually really informative."

Hey, education can be fun if you have at least a somewhat attractive man involved. That's why I think every teacher should be a shirtless male model.

And instead of teaching, he'd just flex for fifty five minutes.

Moving on.

As Gwen launched herself at the spot on the couch I wasn't on, I picked up the camera remote off the coffee table. "You ready?"

"Mhm."

I faced the camera, but before turning it on, I arranged myself so I'd look sexy without looking like I'd tried to look sexy. Because sex appeal isn't supposed to take effort.

But I did fix my hair and makeup a tad before I came back downstairs. And by a tad I mean I spent like over half an hour reapplying eye liner and making sure my hair was extra straight. I guess that was how Gwen stole Beck's camera without me noticing.

Oh hey, why don't I actually start recording?

Well I just did. So shut it.

"Bonjour, Slappers," I greeted, brushing my bangs out of my face. "As you all should definitely know, I'm Aly Oliver. And if you don't know who I am, then you shouldn't be on my Slap page in the first place. So get lost." I went back to smiling and gestured over to my sister. "And this delightfully awkward, vertically challenged young woman to my right is my sister, Gw-" As I turned to look at her, I stopped mid-sentence, because I saw a sight I was not expecting to see. "Uh, Gwen?"

"Yeah?"

"Why is your huge ass lobster here?"

Lorenzo the Second was pretty much piggy backing Gwendolyn, its claws resting on her shoulders, as was its facial region on the top of her head.

And what did Gwen do in response? Shrug and mutter, "Lorenzo the Second wanted to be in the video too."

Normally I'd chuck the thing across the room, but I'm trying to be nicer to my wonderful freak of a younger sister. And I guess it wasn't hurting anything for the lobster to be there. It wasn't like it was going to steal the show.

Inanimate objects don't usually do that.

"... As I was saying, this is my sister, Gwen."

"We're siblings."

"I think they gathered that when I said we were sisters."

"I wanna say stuff too."

"You usually do, don't you?"

I don't need to be that nice to her.

"Anyway, as some of you may have known, I updated my status, asking for stuff to do in this video. Let's read the comments and see what we've got." I looked over at my lobster covered sister. "Gwen?"

Seeing that as her cue, she pulled her PearPad off of the coffee table and poked around until she got on my profile page. "Ah, I see we already have a few. First one..." Gwen cleared her throat before reading, "Hey Aly and Gwen, show us your melons." Gwen stared blankly at the PearPad, then looked back at the lens. "Um, I think we ate all the melon we had at a dinner party we hosted last night. There might be some tangelos in the fridge, if that would work."

"Okay, we're not answering anymore questions fromRex." I deleted that very offensive comment that my sister apparently didn't get and, since I had stolen her PearPad anyway, looked for another suggestion. "Okay, here's one. Aly and Gwen, why don't you shave all of Tori Vega's hair off... and then glue it on her butt." I registered this idea in my mind for a moment. "I'll go hot wire Beck's car."

The second I got up, Gwen grabbed my wrist and yanked me back down. "Yeeeeah, no you won't." Gwen raised an eyebrow at the camera. "We're not doing that one, Jade. Tori's dad is a cop and I'm trying to keep my sister out of jail, so you'd better-"

The bright blue PearPad let out a ping, meaning I had a new response. Gwen snatched it back to check the comment, letting out a huff as soon as she did. "Who's it from?"

"Jade!" Well, that answers that question. "Aly and I are not going to bring Beck in here and pour fake blood on his abs! That's creepy in at least three different ways!"

"... No comment, Jadelyn. Although there are dozens of responses to that request popping into my mind." I rolled my eyes. "Okay, next request."

"This one's for you, Als," Gwen told me, scrolling down to the next request. Squinting, she read, "Hey baby, why don't you take off your-"

"Damnit, Rex, you're not allowed to leave any more suggestions!" Delete. Delete delete delete. "Seriously, people, leave some comments that don't suck!"

"She said with the upmost tenderness," Gwen muttered with a small smirk. Seriously, my tone is finally starting to rub off on her.

Ping. New comment time. "Okay, let's see what we've got... This one's from Andre." I nodded. "Okay, he's not Jade or a perverted puppet. Let's see what he wants us to do..."

Before I could read it, Gwen stole her PearPad back from me. Rude. "Oooh... Pull a prank on Beck! That could definitely be fun!"

I always did like Andre.

/ /

Gwen managed to keep us live streaming without all the wires, so we were able to take the camera with us when we walked outside. "Go check and see if he's still asleep."

Setting my supplies down on the driveway, I crept toward the door to his RV and slowly opened it. Right before we started filming, Beck said he was going to take a nap. Apparently, Jade kept him up all night, calling him and talking about how much of an ass her dad was and how much he embarrassed her at dinner. Even though she would never admit she was embarrassed by him.

But I'm sure that must take a toll on a guy, because he was still out like a light. Even though his were still on.

Good, because we really can't film in the dark.

He was fully still fully dressed, but sprawled out on his bed, PearPhone clutched in his left hand. Perfect.

I crept back out and looked at Gwen. "Coast is clear." I grabbed my supplies and led her back into the RV, making sure to keep the door ajar. Gwen looked as if she was going to burst out laughing any second, so I silently shushed her, which probably just made it harder to keep her from laughing. "Okay, let's do this," I whispered to her, shaking my supplies and applying them at the proper intervals,

making sure they were as quiet as possible when I sprayed them.

I turned to the camera, smiling as widely as I have in a while. "Okay, part one of this classic prank is done and over with. Now to part two." I took a step back behind Gwen so I wouldn't be blocking the view of the camera, but I could still see the show just fine. I pulled my phone out of my skirt pocket, dialed his number, and didn't bother to hold it up to my ear. I wasn't planning on talking to him.

Mere seconds later, Beck's phone let out a loud ring and jolted him away. In his stupor, he probably thought Jade was calling him again and, since he knows she hates to be kept waiting, he brought it up as quickly as he could. He only managed to smack it onto his cheek.

Which made it all the better, considering I put glue on it and all.

Gwen and I could no longer contain ourselves and we let out laughs so loud, I'm pretty sure our viewers could have heard them from their houses. This only made Beck more alert of what was happening. "Wh-What are you two-" He stopped sleepily mumbling and attempted to pull the phone off of his face with his right hand.

Not the best move. I put about three pounds of spray cheese in the palm of that hand.

Gwen almost dropped the camera from giggling so hard, and I was leaning against her, shaking so hard from laughing that I thought I'd knock her over with a particularly loud chuckle.

And since we enjoy living, we threw open the door and ran out as fast as we could and back into the house.

So our viewers got to see us laughing like crazy people for about four and three quarters minutes.

And that somehow got us thirty nine more viewers.

/ /

"Now that we've calmed down and Gwen's changed her pants and cleaned up the puddle she made on the living room floor-" I earned a whack in the arm from one of Lorenzo's claws for that comment, "let's take a look at some of these new comments."

Gwen picked up her PearPad. "Oh, here's a new one from Tori! Let's hope she didn't see or read anything about her before... 'This is cool! It's just like Tori Takes Requests. Smiley face.'" Gwen looked back at me. "I said smiley face because she typed a smiley face."

"I figured that much." I rolled my eyes and took the PearPad back. But I smiled once I saw the comment after that. "'Except Aly and Gwen are cool.' Thank you, Jade. Your comments are always appreciated on the Aly and Gwen Show... I'll come up with a better name later."

"Okay, let's find a comment with an actual request!" Gwen reclaimed her PearPad from me and scanned the page. "Oooh, here's one from Robbie!"

"Oh boy," I muttered.

"Robbie says he wants us to prank call Andre's grandma."

"... That's actually not lame." I nodded at the camera. "Good job, Robert... It's just too bad we don't have her number."

"I do." Gwen pulled out her PearPhone and started scrolling through her contacts.

"... I know I'm going to regret asking, but why?"

Gwen shrugged. "You might as well ask me why I have Ashton Kutcher's number."

I grabbed onto her arm. "No way. You have Ashton Kutcher's number?"

"... No. But if I did, I wouldn't have any idea why I had it."

Le sigh. I wanted to talk to the Kutch.

Oh well. Andre's crazy grandmother will have to do.

As the phone rang, Gwen set it on speaker and sunk further into the couch. As soon as it stopped ringing, we heard somebody scream, "I DON'T KNOW YOU!" as humanly loud as possible.

Seriously, even if she hadn't turned on the speaker, that would have been way too loud.

"Well hello to you too, Mrs. Harris," Gwen muttered.

"Wh-Who is this?" the delusional woman cried. "Are you the pizza man who tried to poison me?"

"Uh... No." Gwen deepened her voice, since Mrs. Harris apparently thought she was a man anyway, and said, "Um, is your refrigerator running?"

Really? She's going with that old dinosaur?

Then again, I'm the one who did the old gooey substance in the hand while they're sleeping gag.

Except it had an insanely awesome twist. I wonder if Beck ever got his phone off of his face.

"I-I don't know. Why? SHOULD IT BE RUNNING?"

Hm. I guess Mrs. Harris is too busy being a spaz to be savvy about ancient prank calls.

"Yeah, it totes should," Gwen said in her man voice. "If it isn't running, it means it's dead. And that means you must have killed it! Are you proud of yourself, you murderer?" Gwen's man voice was actually kind of frightening and hilarious at the same time when she's screaming in it.

"THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME! I AIN'T GOIN' BACK TO PRISON!" She continued to scream and I think I heard her throw herself to the ground to hide under her bed or something because after that, the phone call ended.

And I thought gluing Beck's phone to his face was effing hilarious.

As Gwen fell off the couch from laughing so hard and possibly needed yet another change of pants, I couldn't help but notice through my laughter induced tears that according to my laptop, we now had over a hundred hits.

Not bad for a couple of newbies.

/ /

"Oh my God Als, that video was the greatest idea. That was the most fun I've had in ages!"

Gwen and I were now in the kitchen, an hour or so after we shut down production for the day. I was raiding the fridge for some drinks while Gwen was messing around on my laptop. "Is green tea okay?"

"Fo sho." Don't act ghetto, Gwen. "Look at all these comments! People love us!"

"Why wouldn't they? We're two attractive teenage girls who do stupid things for senseless comedy." I handed her a bottle of diet mango green tea and sat on the barstool across from her. "That usually goes over well on the interwebs."

The front door opened, and I almost thought it was my parents. Until I heard Beck's voice from behind say, "Okay, you guys had your fun. I'm not mad, but I seriously need you-" As soon as Gwen looked up from my laptop to focus on him, she let out the loudest guffaw I'd ever heard as she fell backwards off her stool.

What's so funny?

I turned around and looked at my brother.

Oh.

That's what.

The phone. Is still. On his face.

It's just... stuck there. Like a huge, PearPhone shaped mole.

Before I even had the chance to laugh in his face, Beck stopped me. "Don't laugh, Aly. Just get it off. I've been trying to get it off for over an hour."

I got off my stool and gave my brother both a shrug and a smirk. "Sure. I'd be glad to help."

And that's the story of how I ripped Beck's phone off of his face.

And the story of how Beck screamed like a girl so insanely loud that I'm pretty sure our relatives in Canada could have heard it.


	13. the one where Gwen is harsh

tumblrs: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter

questions. suggestions for aly and gwen oneshots that we are going to start soon. discussing jgwi/bts alternate universes, since you guys apparently love to do that. and they're always interesting.

INTEEEREEEESTIIIINNNGGGGGGG.

* * *

><p><em>"Sometimes it's not the fight itself, but the things said in the fight that hurt us most." -Anon.<em>

**Gwen's POV**

Friday night actually turned out to be a blast in a glass. The prank call to Andre's mother apparently sent her on another one of her fits, causing Andre to have to go to her house and coax her out of the dryer machine.

...Oh I know. I'm confused as to how she got in there too.

After our hillars video reached two thousand eight hundred and fifty three hits, we decided to log off our laptops and watch some Wizards of Waverly Place.

Well...Aly sort of went to sleep on the couch and Beck kept on texting Jade and I was sketching, so really none of us watched it at all.

Oddly enough I can remember what episode it was.

Only 'cause I remember laughing at the skeleton pants thing. Oh, Selena Gomez, you and your funny acting.

She's funny in person too.

Oh? You jelly? Are you literally lime green jello right now at this very moment in time that is ten o'clock in the morning?

If you're wondering, yes, yes I have met Selena Gomez.

Or rather, I've seen and heard her from afar.

You see; Cat and I once went to Millions of Milkshakes and we saw this huge crowd so Cat was all, 'Yay! I love big crowds!' So we walked into the large group of people whom had cameras out and were chanting, 'Selena! Selena! Selena!' and I looked at Cat and we shared a confused expression because I only know of two Selena's. This girl at my old school, Selena Burges, who always had a can of cheese wiz with her where ever she went. Even class. And I know of Selena Gomez.

Since Selena Burges moved to Kentucky with her Dad who works at a cheese wiz factory, it couldn't have possibly have been her. I mean, who would chant her name?

In the end, I took a really blurry picture of Selena Gomez getting in to a taxi and I got a muffin madness milkshake.

It was tasty.

Was that a ramble? I think it was.

Meh.

Oh my gosh! Speaking of milkshakes, I totally figured out what I wanna do for Aly's birthday!

...

You must be wondering how I connected milkshakes with my sister.

Spoiler alert: this will not be a ramble. I know how much you guys love my famous Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver rambles.

I connect Aly and milkshakes because she can't drink them. It may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me and that's all that matters.

Anyway. So yeah, I figured out what I wanna do for Allison's sixteenth birthday.

Since I know my parents are talking about taking her somewhere to eat or buying her a car or chizz, I really want to do something personal.

Like, on a sisterly level.

Like, on a taking her out to see one of her favorite bands level.

You readers must be squealing with an abundance of, 'OH EM GEE, GWEN YOU'RE A GENIUS'.

But that's right! I totally wanna take her to see All Time Low in concert for her sixteenth. 'Cause I think that would be a totes wicked better celebration than a fancy dinner or a car.

Okay, maybe not a car, but Aly hates going out for dinner.

The only problem is, I don't know when they're playing around Los Angeles.

Or where they would be playing.

Or how we'd get there.

Or if I'll have to sell something of my parents in order to pay for the tickets. Like a precious family item that has been passed down from generation to generation.

Maybe I just won't tell anyone. At least until I know for sure when and where this is taking place.

"Gwen? How are you already ready for this stupid luncheon thing?" I looked over at my sister who was suddenly sitting next to me in the kitchen, flicking through the channels on the little TV we have in here for unknown reasons.

I smirked, "Because, I don't stay up until all hours of the night sexy texting my boyfriend."

Oh, Als, would you like some ice for that burn?

Aly rolled her eyes and stopped on MTV, "Not all night was spent sexy texting, Gwen. Half the night was spent picking out an outfit that suitable for this country club."

"Right."

So by half the night, she means when Cory went to bed.

Speaking of boys going to bed, I wonder what time Beck decided to stop texting Jade and finally go to sleep.

See, they're into this new thing now, text fighting. It's quite hilarious, but at the same time extremely annoying. Mostly because one never knows exactly what they're saying, but no one ever dares to ask.

Heels against hard wood flooring, suggested someone was entering the room. And since both Aly and I are already here, and I'm pretty sure Beck nor my father wear heels, it's safe to assume that it's my mother coming to lecture us about proper manners.

"Now girls," Why does she always start off with those two words when she's about to lecture us? She should start off with different things each time so we're shaken up a bit.

My sister and I both exchanged a glance before looking up at our mother, who currently has both hands on her ear lobe, trying to get the back on her earring to stay.

"-I want this lunch to go perfectly, because in my mind it will make up for the disaster of a dinner we had the other night. And, this isn't just a luncheon at a golf club," Wait I thought it was a country club. Are they the same thing nowadays? "-this is an opportunity for your father to possibly get higher up in the company."

Oh. So what's higher up than CEO?

Ugh, my mother's speeches give me headaches.

Aly let out an over exaggerated scoff, "Yes, mother. We know. No talking, no texting, no breathing-"

And thus another mother daughter fight.

I'mma tune them out and quickly change the channel to FOX and see if a re-run of Glee is on.

Be back in a beat.

/ /

Oh my lord.

That wasn't a pleasant argument.

It lasted for an hour and the huffing and puffing is still going on as we speak.

I bet it would have gone on for much longer and there would have been some more angrier words if Beck hadn't come in the house and settled it.

Settled it meaning he sent Aly and I upstairs and sent my mom to the sitting room to clear her head.

Where was my dad in all this?

He's already at the country slash golfing club playing a round with his buddies before the luncheon.

Daddy never has to stand through these fights and make sure neither of them kill each other.

Because I'm pretty sure if we just left them, they would do something bad to one another.

"The nerve of her. She acts like...like I don't know! Like we're three years old and are just gonna jump on top of the table and strip naked and dance!" That's Aly, like I said, she's huffing and puffing and complaining so much that it'd make your house fall down.

Her role as the middle child is to hate my mother, I guess. My role is to sit here and nod. I play my part well.

Beck's giant boots are entering the room. "Allison, do you have to start a fight with her every god damn time we have to go somewhere important? What do you have to gain from it?"

He's has a point. Neither of them gain anything, it just makes things a little more awkward when we go out places right after their blowout.

Aly glared at him and shook her head, "It's not my fault she treats me like I'm six. If no one's noticed, I'm turning sixteen in like, four days." She crossed her arms and continued glaring at Beckett.

Als is just starting fights with everyone today. But for her information, I have noticed she's turning sixteen. I was just inner dialoguing about my magnificent plan.

Beck sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, "Maybe if you didn't throw tantrums like you're six..." He smirked.

Ooh. Beck. You're gonna get it.

"I'm going in the shower."

Well. I guess not.

Making sure she left, oh hey there loud slam of the bathroom door, I turned to Beck. "She's not in a very good mood."

"She always turns bratty a few days before her birthday, so it's normal." Beck chuckled and ruffled my hair up a bit. Well. I actually spent time making it look all nice for lunch and he goes and ruins it.

Boobie butt crack turd nugget, brother.

After a few moments of silence ran its course through my room, Beck gave me a very suspicious nudge. "How about we do something to lighten Al's mood."

Oh no where is this going and why is my brother of all people being the mischievous one.

I raised my eyebrow, "Like what?"

"Like playing a prank on the prankster herself."

Oh hot damn. "Are you sure that's safe?" Seriously.

"It's just payback for gluing my phone onto my face," He shrugged.

LOL I was there. His cheek is still a little red. Like that awkward pinkish color one gets after having tanning bed induced sunburn.

Trust me, I've been there, I know what I'm talking about.

Hesitating, I smiled. "I'm totally in. So what are we gonna do? Oh my gosh! We should totally make an excuse to go in the bathroom and fill her shampoo bottle up with Mom's emergency brunette hair dye!"

Yeah. My mom has emergency hair dye in case she suspects she's getting grays from the stress she deals with having to do with us three children.

Beck shook his head, "No. She'd definitely cause bodily harm to us. I have a better idea that's harmless and hilarious."

/ /

Beck and I had gone over what we were going to do about five times. I'm so glad Aly takes long showers when she's angry. Heck, she takes long showers in general.

The prank was harmless, and the only bad thing that would come out of it is that she would scream at us, take another shower and then we would all laugh during the car ride to the country club.

It'll totally lighten up her mood.

Or I could be wrong.

Beck gave me a quick pat on the back, "Remember, if she notices you came in, just say that you have to get lip gloss or something."

I shook my head, "Kay kay."

Before turning the handle, I looked back at him. "Are you sure we can't just dye her hair brown?"

"Wouldn't it be funnier to see her hair white?"

Suppressing my giggles, I creaked open the bathroom door and was pelted by a load of steam. Jeez, Aly. Using all the hot water, are we?

"Gwen?"

Should I say something? Probably. Or she'll think there's a pedophile in the house. "Yeah?"

"Why are you in here?"

"I'm...uh, getting Beck some lip gloss!" Wait. I was supposed to say I was getting myself some lip gloss. Shoot.

I heard her grab the loofa from the little hangy shower shelf thing and open the body wash. "I always knew his lips were too shiny for their own good..."

Cue ending of the conversation.

I grabbed Aly's hair dryer from her shelf, grabbed the baby powder from the misc shelf and quickly scurried out of the bathroom.

Beck was waiting outside the door for me. "You got it?"

I held up the items and we both smiled like chesire cats. This was seriously going to be funny.

I watched as Beck poured some of the white powder in to the back of the hair dryer where the air gets sucked in and then he laid it level so the baby powder could settle.

"She's going to kill us," I said, rethinking this whole prank.

He wrapped the cord back around the device and rolled his eyes, "I didn't kill you two when my PearPhone was stuck to my face."

"Obviously you're more forgiving than she is."

In an instant, the both of us heard the shower water turn off. Beck grabbed the powder and I grabbed the dryer and we shot off in different directions.

Aww, why do I have to be the one to hand her the hair dryer. Maybe she'll think this was all my idea and kill me first, painfully and slowly.

No. Gwen. She has to laugh.

I heard the bathroom door open and jumped on my bed. "Gwendolyn! Do you have my hair dryer even though you have a perfectly good one of your own?"

Why does she always assume I use her stuff because it's better than my stuff?

I looked down.

Oh right. I really do have her something today. "Uh. Y-yeah. It's in m-my r-room!" I stuttered out, sliding off my bed and chucking the hair dryer out the door.

"Man...no need to throw shit at me."

There she goes.

Into her room.

She's plugging it in.

And turning it-

Poof.

"Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver. Beckett James Oliver. I'm going to kill both of you I swear to Buddha and Gandhi!"

I told you Beck.

/ /

"Enlighten me, please! Explain to me why you thought it would be okay to fill my hair dryer with baby powder that's now all over my wet hair!"

It's true.

Aly is standing before us in a bathrobe that's half covered in a white substance and her wet hair is completely covered in baby powder. It's really funny, but neither myself nor Beck dare laugh.

"Als, calm down, it's a joke, just take another shower, we don't have to leave for another half hour." Beck assured her, in a sad attempt to calm her down.

"I just can't believe you did this!" Allison emphasized the last word and pointed to her hair.

She's just overreacting a little bit.

I twirled a piece of my bangs around my finger innocently. "It's better than my plan...I wanted to put brown hair dye in your shampoo."

She had a more shocked expression on her face now than she did five minutes ago when she first turned on her hair dryer.

My sister narrowed her eyes, "I'm surprised you even reached my hair dryer. It was on the third shelf, you must have had to step on some phone books to hoist yourself up."

Oh yeah, like I've never heard that one before. Just keep making jabs at the fact that I'm short. "At least with my plan you wouldn't have a fake hair color anymore, bottle blonde!"

Beck stared wide eyed at me with a 'I can't believe you just said that' look. Well, bro, believe it.

"At least I-"

"That's not even the only thing fake about you!"

Woah. Did I really just say that? I mean...

Aly crossed her arms, "Excuse me?"

I don't even care. "Yeah. It doesn't matter if I'm short, god why do I even listen to you! You pretend to be some rebellious, sexual deviant, but you're just a...virgin who can't drive!"

Sure. I got that last bit from the nineties movie Clueless, but I got my point across.

Aly blinked a few times and shook her head.

I definitely got my point across.

Especially since my sister left the room and- yet again slammed the bathroom door.

Like previously stated, she's just picking fights with everyone today.

Ugh, I'm so pissed.


	14. the one where Aly is sprinkle bombed

tumblrs for questions and oneshot suggestions and whatnot: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter

* * *

><p><em>"I know it may look like I was being like a bitch, but that's only because I was acting like a bitch." - Cady Heron, Mean Girls<em>

**Aly's POV**

Yeah, remember how Beck was saying before that I start a fight with my mother right before we go to some important thing that isn't all that important?

Well, maybe that should have been directed towards Gwendolyn, who just recently bitched me out for no reason.

Seriously, she and Beck tampered with my blow dryer so that it'd shoot out baby powder and completely ruin my freshly washed hair, and then she has the nerve to go and call me a virgin who can't drive. Even though I am.

You just shouldn't say that to people, though.

But you know what I'm most pissed off about?

She insulted my hair.

Nobody insults my amazing blonde locks or threatens to dye them a hideous brunette color and get away with it.

Not even my own sister.

Especially my own sister.

So that's why Gwen and I didn't say a word to each other on the car ride there. We sat as far from each other as we could while my mother rambled on about the proper forks to use or some crap like that and Beck went back to text fighting with Jade. I think he thought that if he said anything else to us, it would just wazz us off even more.

Though I don't know what gives her any reason to be so friggin' mad.

Oh, and though it's probably obvious, let me just say that I took another shower to get all the powder off.

No thanks to the jerks I call my brother and sister.

Mostly my sister.

So yes, quite a lot of animosity towards Gwendolyn right now.

After a painfully long car ride, full of tension that Jane apparently didn't notice and Beck muttering, "Really? She's bringing that up?" every time Jadelyn sent him a text, we arrived at le country club full of snobs, douches and Botox abusing housewives.

This day is great.

When we got out of the car, Jane told us, "I'm going to find your father. His round of golf must be done by now. Go... mingle or something."

The 'or something' implies that she knew we wouldn't actually mingle, since it looked like we were the only three there who were under the age of thirty, and was just asking us to not start a riot.

At least that's what I think she was implying.

The three of us walked toward the building where we were assuming the luncheon thing was, with Beck between us, since I'm pretty sure that if Gwen and I got too close to each other, one of us would burst into flames.

I hope it'd be Gwen.

Once we got inside, I'm guessing Beck was tired of the furious silence between his sisters, because he put his phone in his pants pocket and said, "Will you two please just apologize and move on? The silent treatment is getting old."

I shrugged, looking in the other direction. "Gwen's the one who needs to apologize. And you. But mostly Gwen."

"I already said I was sorry, Aly. Gwen's sorry too, right Gwen?"

Gwen shook her head. "Not really."

"Well, you were."

"Only because you wouldn't go through with the dye thing."

Beck looked pretty frustrated, but it was that kind of calm, contained anger that he was so good at. "Okay, have it your way. Keep being mad at each other for no reason. I'm gonna go eat some kind of food I can't pronounce." And then he walked towards some sort of buffet table thing with fancy schmancy appetizers and left me alone with her.

Thanks, Beckett. As always, you're a big help.

No words were spoken between Gwen and I as we headed to the circular table with our name cards on them. Apparently you're not allowed to choose where you sit at those things. My parents were already there, chatting it up with some stuffy looking couple in a Armani suit and a tacky polyester pant suit.

I may not be Jane's number one fan, but at least she knows how to dress.

Unfortunately, Gwen and I were forced to sit next to each other and there would be no moving our place cards around. Jane went on about that for at least ten minutes in the car. So we shot each other a glare before we sat down, which went unnoticed by our parents, who were too busy kissing ass to even notice we had sat down.

About ten seconds later, I got a text. A text from Gwen. After reading it, I glared at her. "Really? You're going there?"

She just nodded with an angry scowl on her face. That was actually kid of refreshing, since she usually just pouts.

I let out a sharp scoff, angrily typing a response. "Okay, have it your way."

A few seconds after I sent the message, I sat my PearPhone down on my lap. Gwen's phone beeped, and she looked utterly offended by the text I sent her. "Oh my God, that was seven years ago! When are you going to let go of that?"

Beck came by right at that moment with a small plate of stuff to hold him over until the main course was served and sat down at his assigned seat, which was right next to me. At least I get to sit by one sibling that isn't an immature beast.

I know I should probably be madder at Beck too, since that little prank was actually his idea, but I guess I kind of had it coming from him. Considering I glued his phone to his face and all.

But Gwen? She had no reason to prank me and was WAY out of line. In multiple ways.

Speaking of Gwen, I got another text.

A really disturbing one.

I shot a side-glance at her, eyebrow raised. "You want to lick me in the boob?"

"... Damn autocorrect."

"Wow," Beck muttered, observing both of us. "I never realized how annoying text fighting is when you're not part of it..."

Gwen looked past me as if I wasn't even there and at Beck's plate of horderves. "What's that mushy stuff?" she asked him.

"... I don't actually know. But from what I saw, you're supposed to eat it with crackers." Beck scooped some of the whatever up with one of those fancy ass crackers people have at luncheons or whatnot and popped it in his mouth. "Whatever it is, it's not bad."

"Can I have some?"

"Sure." Beck dipped another cracker into it and held it out to me. "Als, pass this to Gwen, will you?"

I had pulled out my phone at this point, looking at something or other. "I don't think I can. Considering I'm a complete fake, it'd probably go right through my hand."

Gwen huffed and reached across my PearPhone to grab the cracker. "You're the one at fault here. Not me."

As she shoved the appetizer in her oversized mouth, I scoffed and looked up from my phone at her. My parents and the guy and his tacky wife left long ago, probably to 'mingle' with the other crotchety old people that were there. "How the hell am I at fault in any of this? I'm the victim!"

"Oh, wow, so when you insult me, that's just fine and dandy, but when I insult you it's the end of the god damn world?"

"Who says 'fine and dandy' anymore? What are you, seventy nine?"

"You see?" Gwen practically screamed, looking at Beck as if asking him to take her side and protect her from big mean Allison Jane Oliver. "She gets away with saying stuff like that all the time, but I say something mean to her once and she starts acting like a little bit-"

"Gwen," Beck interrupted her, looking kind of fed up with her nonsense. Just hers. Because this shit is so not my fault. "It was just a short joke. You sort of did overreact."

Smugly smirking, I crossed my arms. "Haha."

"Allison. Considering you're older than she is, you could try to be a little more mature about this."

"Haha," Gwen quietly said, making my urge to smack her grow even more. "Beck's on my side!"

Beck took a bite of one of his big shrimp. "No, I'm not. If anything, I'm on Aly's side."

"... I'm sorry, what?" Gwen looked as if him mostly agreeing with me was a foreign concept to her. Probably because she's usually in the right. But not this time.

Haha.

"Come on, you know you were kind of harsh earlier." Beck tossed his shrimp tail onto his plate and picked up a new one.

"Bu-But Beck..." Gwen pulled her sickeningly cute, big blue eyes pouty face, as if that would instantly change his stance.

Luckily, it didn't. "Gwen, you're almost fifteen. That face isn't going to work forever."

Before he could take a bite of his gargantuan shrimp, Gwen, who looked absolutely appalled by his comment, reached over and smacked it out of his hand before sitting back down and crossing her arms.

Well then.

"... And now my big shrimp is on the floor," was all Beck could say before he picked the dirty seafood up and stuffed it in his napkin.

"No, no, no!" I heard my mother whisper-yelling from behind. "This is an absolute disaster!"

Oh Lord. What now.

"Jane, dear, calm down," my dad quietly told her in some attempt to calm her down. "We can easily fix this."

"No, we can't!" They both sat back down, Armani and Polyester nowhere in sight. "How could the caterers leave like that? And when the regular kitchen staff has the day off, no less! Just because their nine year old son got attacked by a miniature pony?" Jane rested her head in her hands. "That's the last time I hire a family business."

... What.

Seriously, I can't come up with anything witty to write in response to that.

So let's move on.

James looked at me and his other two children, one who was still huffing and pouting and one who was probably still sad about his soiled shrimp. And I guess something about Jane saying 'family business' gave him a stupid idea. "Beckett, Allison, Gwendolyn, get in the kitchen and finish preparing the dishes."

LOLwut.

"Um... The last time Gwen cooked, she gave herself and Beck food poisoning." The puny kick Gwen gave my shin couldn't get rid of my smirk.

"The food's already prepared, and the main courses are already finished. The waiters already have a handle on that. You kids would just have to take care of dessert." James pointed toward a set of swinging doors, which was most likely the doors that led to the kitchen.

When we didn't budge or even twitch, he just shrugged. "Fine. If you don't want to help your mother and I make sure this luncheon runs smoothly, you can go talk to Mr. Berkowitz over there." He gestured toward an wrinkly old man who was sitting by himself, shakily sipping some soup. "Just don't get him started on politics. You'll be there all day."

And that's when we made our way into the kitchen as fast as our Oliver legs

could take us.

James is smarter than I give him credit for.

Damn him.

/ /

"Okay, let's see..." Beck picked up some stapled paper, which I'm assuming had the menu printed out on it, and scanned through it. "It looks like it's just cake, pie and an ice cream bar. We're mostly just arranging stuff and getting the ice cream out of the freezer. That shouldn't be that hard."

"Why do our parents hate us?" I leaned against one of the chrome counters and crossed my arms. "For serious, why is it that whenever they plan crap like this, we always get drafted into doing the dirty work for them?"

As Gwen opened the door to the freezer, she let out a snort.

My head snapped in her direction so I could glare at her. "What was that?"

"Oh. Nothing." Gwen pulled out a tray of devils food cake, perfectly sliced and already on their perfect little plates. Then, more quietly, she added, "You complaining about every little thing is just an average thing, after all."

"Do you think I'm deaf or something?" Passing her, I grabbed a tray from the fridge too. "Seriously, it's like it'd kill you to shut up for once in your life." This tray had some gross looking pie instead of gut-wrenching cake.

I'm not one for dessert.

Beck looked up from the packet, eyebrows furrowed. "Do you two even remember what you're fighting about?"

"I'm sure Gwen doesn't, but I do." I sort of accidentally but not totally accidentally slammed the tray down and looked back at my sister. "I think I have the right to fight, considering she called me a whore and all."

Gwen, who sat her tray down with much more tenderness, oh isn't she fancy, gaped at me. "I never called you a whore! I would never do that!"

"Yeah, but, uh, you called me a fake whore. That's the worst kind of whore there is!"

"You know what?" Beck, looking more fed up than he has since we got here, handed me the packet and looked between the two of us. "You two need to settle this by yourselves. I'm going to find the thing we're supposed to wheel the tubs of ice cream in with. Try not to strangle each other while I'm gone." And with that, he walked through a side door, probably to look for a closet where the utensils and containers were.

Still a big help, bro.

Letting out a groan, I looked down at the menu. "Okay, we have to drizzle chocolate sauce on the chocolate cream pie right after we put a dollop of whipped cream on it. That shouldn't be too hard. Even you can do that."

After taking several types of ice cream and dessert toppings out of the kitchen's pantry, Gwen spun around, the oversized caterer's smock flowing as she turned. "You see, it's stuff like that that just pisses me off to no end!"

"... Dude, when did you start cussing so much? Am I the only one who's noticed that you've been cussing more lately?"

"... Th-That is not the point! You constantly ridicule me and say totally rude things and everybody just laughs and moves on, because being a complete jerk is supposedly your thing, but when I do it, it's blown completely out of proportion and everybody thinks I'm an awful person!" She spun around, grabbed a bottle of chocolate sauce, and started artistically pouring it on the cake slices that I already sprayed whipped cream on. "And I'm just sick of your attitude and you showing off how much hotter you are than me! I mean, have you looked at your outfit? You just love the fact that my boobs are so tiny, I could use two band-aids as a bra, don't you?"

"Oh, so now I'm a slut?" Dear readers, I was fuming at this point. "What's up with you today? Try flipping the bitch switch off, will you?"

Slamming her free hand down on the counter, she spun around, a deadly look in her eyes. "Allison, I swear to God, sometimes I just want to strangle yo-"

I guess she was too focused on thinking about strangling me, because she squeezed the bottle that was in her other hand.

And it was pointed at me.

So my face pretty much ended up being covered in chocolate sauce.

Gwen froze. After a few seconds of opening her mouth and letting out noises that weren't close to words, she nervously stuttered, "Oh G-God. Aly, I'm s-so sor-sor-soooaaah hahaha!"

She's laughing?

SHE'S LAUGHING.

And before I knew it, I had a can of whipped cream in my hands again and forcefully squirted it onto her nose, where it pretty much took over her entire face. "There. At least it matches your skin."

After wiping the white fluff away from her eyes, Gwen let out a huff, grabbed something else off the counter and then-

She threw sprinkles at me.

I just got sprinkle bombed.

"There." Gwen slammed the rainbow sprinkles container back on the stainless steel. "Now there's finally something about you that stands out. Besides the sweater puppies you always feel compelled to flaunt in everybody's faces."

OH IT IS ON IN A MANNER THAT IS SIMILAR TO DONKEY KONG.

Gwenny's going down.


	15. the one where Aly is mature

tumblrs for questions and oneshot suggestions and whatnot: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter

* * *

><p>"<em>The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment she can tolerate." Douglas Engelbart <em>

**Aly's POV**

Gwendolyn and I are having a bit of a stare off while I decide what to do with this lovely tub of cool whip.

Speaking of which, whenever I say cool whip, I put extra emphasis on the 'h'. Know why? Because I watch a lot of Family Guy and Stewie is like, everyone's favorite character.

...Wow that was irrelevant and it probably could have been left out of this inner dialogue. Anyway.

Cue myself popping open the container of cool whip, insert a Gwen scream right about-

Now.

And now I've just grabbed the back of her shirt, and I say back because she turned around in a sad attempt to run away from me.

Turning her around, I took the full container of white crap that I don't even like, and dumped it right down the front of her shirt.

I hope it stains her bra.

I know, I know, the cool whip probably wasn't the best idea because I'd already sprayed her face with canned whip cream. But I really wanted to dump something down her shirt.

Because I feel that's just the way to go.

With whipped cream dripping out of her shirt, Gwen grabbed an egg from a stray carton lying around on the counter, even though I pretty sure those things should be refrigerated or something, and cracked it right over my head.

Notice how we're not even adding witty comments at the end of our attacks anymore, mostly because this is all moving so fast.

But enough inner talk, I need to find something to get back at her with.

I looked over at the counter and spotted a metal bowl. Oh hey bowl of beaten egg whites. Now I understand why the eggs were out.

I picked up the bowl and Gwen raised an eyebrow.

If I'm correct and these whites have been beaten well enough...

Mid-thought, I slammed the bowl right on Gwenny's head. Jeez, slam sounds kind of violent.

Well it was.

Ew.

I was wrong.

The eggs weren't beaten well enough considering they're now running down Gwen's face mixing with the spray whipped cream.

"Allison Jane. You're a bitch." And with that, my little cussing sister took a hand full of flour and smacked me across the face.

What the actual chizz.

I would have been completely stunned, because I don't think Gwen has ever actually called me a bitch unless we were just joking, but I'm not really all the stunned.

I know Gwen's mad right now, and she does some pretty crazy things when she's angry.

That doesn't distract from the fact (rhyme score) that I do not particularly like being called a bitch.

Before she could even say anything, because it totally looked like she was going to and I'm sort of hoping it was an apology, I took a handful of cream pie that had not yet been cut into fancy pieces and threw it right at her mid-section. "I'd rather be a bitch than a member of the itty bitty titty committee." I rolled my eyes as she made this awful scoffing face that was supposed to look threatening or something.

It wasn't, obviously.

Gwendolyn one hand on her hip, and with the other hand grabbed a chocolate cream pie that had been sitting beside her. "Yeah well. At least when I'm older I'll have a good positioned job in a stable Art community, and you'll be working on a pole getting paid for being in odd positions!"

Oh.

Really.

If that insult wasn't so long and I wasn't glaring at her with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, I would applaud her creativity.

But I'm not going to.

I heard the door creak open and I turned a bit to see who it was. Probably a worker coming in to see his completely destroyed kitchen and yell- a pie just flew past my face.

Did she really just throw a whole pie at me?

Except it didn't hit me.

Not bothering to see who entered the room, I turned back to Gwen, who had her hands over her mouth, half shocked, half trying to hide insane laughter.

She pointed behind me just as I heard the tin from the pie hit the floor.

Spinning around, I saw what she was pointing at. Or rather, who she was pointing at.

"Allison. Gwendolyn. I was gone for five minutes."

Low and behold. There was my older brother. Cleaner than us, except when you saw his face. It was covered in a layer of chocolate pudding that was dripping on to his only good dress shirt.

Oops.

For the first time today, Gwen and I exchanged a look that wasn't venomous, but rather a 'what are we going to do' look that we often share.

Beck crossed his arms, simultaneously trying to lick his lips without us noticing. Even though I did. To avoid his poisonous stare, I averted my eyes to the ground. "Well? Are either of you going to explain wh-"

"What went on in here!" This time it was Beck's turn to turn around.

Of course, before we even had a chance to plead our case with Beck, our parental units just happen to stumble in and catch us covered in desert toppings and cake pudding shit.

Goddamnit. I really don't need to get in trouble over some stupid thing like this, days away from my birthday.

I looked up, surprised to see it was just my mother. I guess Daddy dearest was out schmoozing with the other attendees. I'd rather be out there talking with that politics nerd than in here at this point in time.

Gwen scuffed her dirty shoes along the dirty floor, "We, uh s-sorta-"

"I don't want to know. I really don't. Just go up to the Spa and clean yourselves up. I only came in here to tell you that the manager of the hotel got some room service people to cover the desert shift. And apparently now they'll have to clean up after you, too."

Ugh, of course my mother has to make us feel like total idiots.

Not that we don't look like total idiots, but whatever.

Without a word, Gwen, Beck and I used the back kitchen exit that lead to a hallway that lead to an elevator that would take us up to the Spa center.

Oh right. You guys should probably know that this is a Country Club Hotel and Spa. With a golf course. Because this is California and we've got everything.

On lock.

West coast represent put your hands up.

Sorry. I have to entertain myself in my head because this elevator ride is entirely too quiet.

/ /

So, here we are.

My sister, my brother and I, awkwardly washing our faces and whatnot in this country club Spa.

Well, Beck is washing his face. Gwen is trying to get the egg white out of her hair, and I'm scrubbing chocolate sauce off my face and shirt and neck regions.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Gwen trying to be inconspicuous, sneaking peeks at me like she was waiting for her chance to apologize.

Or was she waiting for me to apologize?

I inwardly sighed.

I really, really want her to be the first to apologize...mainly because she called me a fake whore slut. All in one afternoon.

But...maybe she only got so angry because I constantly make fun of her and ridicule her about shit. C'mon, though, I'm the older sister here, I'm supposed to do stuff like that.

That's the reality of it, isn't it?

I am the older sister.

And I need to face that I'm going to be sixteen years old in less than a week. Sometimes I'm going to have to be the one to make things right first, even if I don't want to.

And I really don't want to, trust me. But I need to be the bigger person. Not just in height wise.

I hate being mature.

I looked over at Beck who was inspecting his shirt, making sure it looked half decent and that there was no plain sight chocolate on it.

Time to try my luck at magic and make Beck disappear.

Oh tell me that wasn't a clever sentece. "Beck, this isn't working, if I want to make sure my shirt is going to be clean enough to wear, I'm going to have to take it off. Which means you're going to have to leave."

Beck widened his eyes and shook his head in a nodding way. "Uh, alright. I'll wait outside. Try not to have a soap war or anything like that. The cleaning staff won't be able to keep up with you." He chuckled before exiting.

Oh always the joker, Beckett.

Time to act maturely. Wah. I sighed, this time audibly. "Gwen." I started.

"What." She snapped, shooting a mini glare at me before de-tangling her once egg whited hair with her fingers.

See, what I wanted to say was a repeat of what I said before as in, 'Try switching the bitch switch off', but instead I'll say, "Look, I'm trying to be the bigger person here."

Gwenny raised her eyebrow and stopped finger brushing her hair. "Is this another short joke? Because I'm totes out of witty comebacks."

Good to know. "No. It's not a short joke." I smiled. "I'm trying to apologize. I get how you could be angry what with me making chef boy are you short jokes twenty four seven. But-"

She put her hands up. What is with all the interruptions today? Like for cereal. "I didn't mean to call you fake. I just said it because I was so angry. I'm also sorry I sprinkle bombed you. And accidently sprayed you with chocolate. And then laughing at you. Oh! And I'm sorry I smacked you with an awesome flour attack."

Awesome flour attack. That's what she thinks of it. At least she's sorry. "I'm sorry your apology is so long." I winked, earning a Gwenny Gwen Giggle. A giggle that's worthy enough of a capitol G.

Simultaneously, we both went back to scrubbing our shirts, but then I reverted back to my original plan.

Yuppers, Allison Oliver just took off her shirt.

To that Gwen stared. "What?" I asked. "It's the only way to make sure I got everything. I didn't tell Beck that just for yuks."

"Oh." She nodded, proceeding to take her shirt off as well.

I shook my head in disbelief and started laughing.

Gwen gave me a strange look in between her wipes at the shirt she was holding, "Are you okay?"

"Gwen. We're in a Country Club Spa room, cleaning our shirts in our bra's after having a ten minute long desert topping war. This proves I am not okay in the head. Not in the least bit."

"That is true."

I playfully punched her shoulder. At least we're back to normal. I mean, we're basically in a bathroom and there's Beck knocking at the door asking us if we're almost ready.

That's normal.

"We'll be right out! Don't get your panties in a bunch!" My younger sister shouted back, turning on a hair dryer that was plugged in to the wall.

I didn't even know Spa's had hair dryers.

I think I've been confusing Spa with Sauna. Whatever.

After drying our shirts, putting them back on and making sure we looked decent, we were just about ready to finally head down to the completely boring and useless for us to be there luncheon.

But before we could leave the room, I stopped Gwen. "Take off your flats." I ordered.

Hesitantly, she slipped off her shoes and handed them to me. "Why?"

I took off my own heels, placed Gwen's flats on my feet and gave her my heels. "This way, we'll be the same height."

With one of the brightest Gwendolyn Joyce smiles ever, she happily took the high heels and put them on. Jeez, she's acting like she never gets to wear heels.

She is a shoe hoe after all. "Als, when did you get so mature?"

I shrugged. "Around the same time you grew the boobies to call me a bitch, fake whore and slut all in the same day."

"See. I never actually called you the last two."

"Shush."


	16. whipped cream nipples

_tumblrs: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter_

* * *

><p><em>"I got your picture, I'm coming with you, Dear Maria, count me in. There's a story at the bottom of this bottle and I'm the pen." - Dear Maria Count Me In, All Time Low<em>

**Gwen's POV**

Ah. Another day, another opportunity to make an idiot out of myself.

Why, hello, my fantabulous readers. If you're wondering what I'm doing up at six in the morning, then you don't know me very well.

But if you're wondering how yesterday went after Aly and I got over our stupid fight, then that's some new information that I'd be glad to share with you.

Actually, not really, because it was pretty dull.

After we all left the spa place and I apologized to Beck for throwing a pie in his face much like a 1940s cartoon would, we went back down to the dining hall to eat and pretend to listen to old people conversations. And Aly, Beck and I couldn't even look at the desserts after the chocolatey chaos Aly and I caused, so no yum yums for us.

Not that Aly would have had one of the dairy-ish desserts anyway.

Speaking of my dear sister, her birthday is coming up very, very soon. Like, in two days soon. So that's why I'm currently on my trusty laptop, looking up concert dates for All Time Low whilst listening to Hello Brooklyn to get myself pumped.

Okay, they're in the area, just like I thought, so that's good. Except their concert dates are all after Aly's birthday and I really wanted to go the night of it. It wouldn't be the same if we didn't, you know? But low and behold, I scrolled down the page of their fan site some more and my eyes instantly landed on June twenty first.

Which is Aly's birthday.

I clicked on it about ten hundred thousand times and when it finally loaded, I had to bite my lip to keep myself from shrieking out of joy. The concert was at some club, so Aly could get her dance on, and we all know how much Allison loves to dance. It sounds perfect, right?

Well, it wasn't. The club was Avalon Hollywood, which you have to be twenty one or over to get into.

Neither Aly or myself are twenty one. Or over.

Crap.

I put my laptop on the floor and flopped back onto my bed, which totes wrinkled my Roxy Whirlwind comforter. Aww. I had it all nicely made...

Why am I worrying about my bed? My super epic birthday extravaganza fun time gift is completely ruined!

I rolled onto my stomach and looked at Walter and Lorenzo the Second, who were on top of the tons of pillows I have. I'm almost as much of a pillow hoe as Aly.

Just so you know, I am well aware of the fact that Walter and Lorenzo Double Eye are stuffed animals and therefore do not have the cognitive ability to give opinions or advice. But that didn't stop me from asking them, "Do you guys think I should go through with it? It's risky, but..."

I stopped mid-sentence and looked at them.

I'm going to take their silence as a yes.

/ /

Oh, hey. I'm just pulling my bike out of the shed. No big deal.

I bet you're wondering why. Well, if Aly and I are gonna get into Avalon, then the bouncer people have to think we're twenty one. And in order for them to think that, we're going to need IDs of the fake variety.

Oh, and it was a nice day out, and who doesn't love to ride their bike on a lovely summer day?

Terrorists, that's who.

It was still pretty early, only like seven, so I thought I'd be able to leave without Aly or Beck seeing, since it was Sunday and they were still asleep like big bums. And even though I snuck around as quietly as humanly possible, I wasn't actually looking where I was going and rammed my bike into the side of Beck's recreational vehicle.

Ouch. That wasn't a pleasant noise.

It wasn't hard enough to dent it or anything, but it certainly made a disturbing noise. And, since nothing ever works out for poor Gwenny, the door to the RV slowly opened and Beck poked his bedhead out and looked around until he saw me awkwardly standing there with my Huffy. "Hehehe, hi."

"Hey," Beck slowly greeted, stepping out the door, even though he was only wearing a pair of sweat pants and he didn't have a shirt on. My brother's a slut. "You going somewhere?"

"Uh, yeah. It's a nice day, so I thought I'd ride around the neighborhood. Y'know, get some of that exercise Michelle Obama keeps talking about." I gave him a hopefully convincing grin as I plucked my super cute blue helmet from my bike basket and plopped it on my head. Safety first. "I'll be back in like an hour or so."

Beck nodded. "Okay, have fun, then. Just try not to drive into traffic. Again."

I lightly punched my smirking sibling in his stupid stomach and huffed. "... I'll try."

What? If I denied that that actually happened, I'd look like a dope.

And it did happen.

But I don't want to talk about it.

After he went back inside, I rode off to complete the first step to Operation Get Aly and I Into Avalon Hollywood So We Can See All Time Low And She Can Have The Best Sixteenth Birthday Anyone Has Ever Had And Love Me Forever.

I came up with that operation name myself.

But how am I going to get these fake IDs made, you ask?

Well, I know a guy

... No seriously, I know a guy.

Remy Blake is a former senior that was in my intro to graphic design class last year. Well, he wasn't actually taking the class, since he took that his freshman year. He had a free period then, and since he liked graphic design and didn't really have anything better to do, he hung out and helped us dumb freshmen figure out how to use Photoshop and all that good stuff. According to him, his parents are both graphic designers and they taught him everything they know.

And I was totally his favorite, so that's probably why I got the highest grade in the class.

Though he didn't directly mention this to me, I heard from somebody that he makes fake IDs that look exactly like real California IDs. So that's why I'm going over to his new apartment to make a deal.

Now before you call me a creeper for knowing where he lives, I only know Remy's address because he invited Beck to a party he threw there as sort of like a housewarming and I might have read the invite Remy sent him on his Slap profile before he did.

I go onto Beck's profile sometimes and make awesome status updates. Like 'gwen is totes the bestest sista in the history of eveerrrrr, lawls omg wtf' and all that noise.

And, as previously mentioned, snoop around in his message box.

Oh, Jade didn't let him go, by the way, and she never gave a clear reason why. Maybe it's because Remy's gay and she didn't want Beck to get drunk and start making out with him.

That doesn't explain why she's cool with Beck's three way bromance with Robbie and Andre, though. Tee hee.

I managed to get to the Bradbury apartment complex without riding my bicycle into traffic, so haha to Beck. But I didn't have time to laugh at my brother's lack of faith in my mad bicycling skills, because I had to get down to business.

Okay, the invite said Remy lives in apartment 2C... 2A, 2B... 2D?

What the halibut? Did Remy get some kind of ghost apartment where the door only appears in the hall once a year on Halloween?

... Oh, I was looking at the wrong side of the hall. It was right behind me. So that's the door I knocked on.

After about a minute, the door was opened and there stood Remy, wearing skinny jeans and a buttoned shirt that wasn't buttoned. "Gwen?" He looked confused, and I don't blame him. "Uh, hey. How'd you-"

"That's not important." I looked at his unbuttoned shirt and back up at him. "Oh, sorry. Did I wake you up?"

"Uh, no, I was just... getting dressed." He finally started buttoning it up as he stepped out of the way. "Come in."

I did as I was told, looking around at the place as I walked in. "Wow, you keep this place nice for a dude."

"Yeah, well." He shut the door and lead me to the living room. "Gay guys do tend to be tidy." He smirked at me as he sat down on his overstuffed couch.

Sometimes I forget Remy is gay. It's not painfully obvious, since he doesn't wear designer brands and he doesn't have a lisp and he isn't in love with his hair and he isn't obsessed with Project Runway-

My God, I'm a horrible person.

I sat down next to him, gently placing my Gir backpack onto the hardwood floor. "So, I bet you're wondering why I'm here."

"Yeah, kinda." Remy pulled a small wooden box off of a small shelf under the table and sat it down.

"Well, you know my sister Aly, right?" He nodded as he opened the box and pulled a little sheet of paper out of it. "Her birthday is in two days, and I want to take her to see All Time Low."

"Ah, yeah, I heard they were in LA." Remy took a baggie of oregano out of the box and sat it next to the paper. "Isn't their next show at Avalon Hollywood?"

"It is, and that's where you come in." I sneakily smiled. "We're gonna need fake IDs to get in."

"I see." He took a pinch of the oregano and placed it in the paper. As he started wrapping it up, he looked back at me and told me, "Look, I'd be happy to do it for you, but I seriously don't think anyone would buy that you're twenty one. I didn't even believe you when you first said you were fourteen."

"That is so... true." I huffed and crossed my arms. "I already thought of that, Mister Smarty Shorts. I'll figure someway to work around that... I'll sneak in without anyone noticing or something."

"... If you're just going to sneak in anyway, then why do you need a fake ID?"

"Because if Aly gets one, I want one too!" More huffing. "C'mon, please? I brought you a present and everything!" I pulled my Invader Zim backpack into my lap, unzipped it and pulled out two dark blue bottles.

Remy raised an eyebrow. "Where'd you get vodka?"

"Beck threw a huge party a few weeks ago and these somehow ended up inside my bean bag chair." Shrugging, I added, "Pretty sick party."

Remy nodded. "Sounds like it."

I held them out to him. "I know you like citrus flavored stuff and I hear Skyy is pretty good."

He took the bottles from me and said, "Thanks, but how do you know if I even drink?"

I gave him an unimpressed look. "Come on, you just rolled up something I just realized wasn't oregano and you're telling me you don't drink?" Maybe Aly is right about all my arty friends being potheads...

"... Point taken." Smirking, he sat the bottles down and picked the joint up. "You mind?"

"Nah, I guess not, it's your apartment." As he dug around in the box for a lighter, I twiddled my thumbs and asked, "So will you do it?"

He grinned, flipping his sandy blonde hair out of his eyes. "Sure, kid. Consider it a birthday gift to your sister."

It's not really a gift if I gave you two bottles of citrusy booze as payment.

"Yay, thank you!" I threw my arms around him, but backed off so my hair didn't get burned off. "So, do you need me to do anything?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna need pictures of both you and Aly. They have to be on a white backdrop, so you can either take one at your house on a white wall or you two will have to come over here, because I have a backdrop just like the ones they use for real ID pictures. But you'll need a pretty good camera, so unless you've got one, you should probably come back here." Remy lit the rolled up 'oregano' and brought it up to his mouth. "And you two can make up names, if you want. That's usually the fun part about it."

"Okay, okay," I murmured, trying to remember all that junk. "Can do. Thank you so much, Remy. This really means a lot to m-"

"Hey baby, you ready for round two?"

Both Remy and I twisted around to see a very fit and very handsome black guy standing in the entrance of the hallway.

He had whipped cream on his nipples.

I'm so glad the back of this huge couch is blocking everything below his waist. I don't want to know if his nipples match his... you know.

Once he noticed I was there, his sultry look vanished. "Oh. Uh... Who's your friend?"

"This... This is Gwen." Remy awkwardly shifted in his seat as he sat his joint in an ashtray I hadn't noticed. "She, uh, went to Hollywood Arts with me last school year. Gwen, this is Tyrone, who apparently thought you left. He's my-"

"I think I can guess what he is," I muttered, looking down at my lap so I wouldn't see anything I shouldn't have as Tyrone shuffled back down the hall.

"... So, uh."

"I think I should leave."

"That's probably a good idea."

Okay, I just rode my bike back home and I'm walking inside. Aly's in the living room, watching one of her dance shows. Is this America's Top Dance Crew or the one with Laurieann Gibson that keeps getting made fun of on The Soup?

Aly won't watch The Soup with me anymore.

"Hey, Als," I chirped as I flopped down next to her.

"Hey, Gwenny." Aly looked away from her dancing dancers for a moment. How nice. "Beck said you went for a bike ride. Thanks for inviting me."

"I left at eight o' ten. You would have thrown me out your window if I had asked you."

"... Good point." And that's when she went back to watching the dancing show full of dancers and dance moves and dancing.

Should I tell Aly about my super amazing plans? On one hand, it'd be amazing if I kept it a surprise. On the other, it'd be so much easier if I just told her.

Oh crap, I just got a flashback of Tyrone's whipped cream covered nipples.

I think I'm gonna tell her so I can focus on something that isn't... that.


	17. descriptive paragraphs

_"There are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthday presents, and only one for birthday presents, you know." -Lewis Carroll _

**Aly's POV**

Sitting here on the couch watching America's Best Dance Crew while surfing The Slap dot com on my PearPhone, like yeah.

Oh, and Gwen's here too, but she's not cool enough to add into my opening sentence.

El oh el, jay kay, love you sis.

I haven't updated my Slap status in almost a day and a half. I must do that. It'll make my page look all nice and fresh.

New Status: Dear everyone, my birthday is in two days and I expect lots and lots of birthday wishes and presents. Love, Allison.

"Watchya doin'?" My little sister inched herself closer to me, her voice sounding strangely like that of the little annoying girl on Phineas and Ferb.

I hate that show so much.

I shot her a mini glare and put my phone on hold as so she couldn't be reading my stuff. I know it's just The Slap, but one of my biggest pet peeves is people reading over my shoulder. Like, you know when you're in creative writing class, or in my case script writing class, and the teacher is walking around the room 'checking' everyone's work? Well, when said teacher does that, I immediately stop writing. It freaks me out so much, even though he's just going to read it in the future anyway.

Wow. That was a big paragraph. Oh hey look Gwen's face in my personal bubble. "Dude, did I invite you to be barbecue?"

Insert Gwen blink blinking innocently. "No?"

"Then why are you all up in my grill?"

Oh snap. You want some ice for that burn? I'm not saying that bit out loud.

Gwen rolled her eyes and leaned back to her side of the couch, crossing her arms all huffy.

I would've kept on smiling, but my nose was assaulted with the most appalling smell ever. Worse, I think it's coming from Gwenny and I'm not talking about her Twilight Woods Bath and Body Works body lotion. That's rank by itself.

No, no, this smell was different.

I turned my head towards her and stared until she decided to look up. "Why do you smell like a pot farm?"

"Wh-what do you mean?" She asked, turning beat red.

I waved my hand around in the air in a sad attempt to get the smell away from my nose, "You literally smell like an artist who's hopes and dreams have been crushed because they flunked out of Hollywood Arts never made it to college and now works at McDonalds, but you don't know that you're getting fired next shift because you can't work the McFlurry machine properly." Another long paragraph, except this one was very descriptive. I mean, I just totally spelled out Trina Vega's future.

Gwen twisted some of her hair around her finger, not looking me in the eye. "How do you know what pot smells like?"

...Shit.

Um. Um. What exactly do I tell her? Do I tell her that last summer in the woods behind my friend's house we smoked her older sister's ex boyfriend's illegal narcotics?

Of course I don't.

I shifted around in my seat a bit and did my signature 'sassy face'. That's what I'm calling it from now on. "Fine. I'll rephrase my question. Why do you smell like a raccoon that's been rolling around in some oregano and was then sprayed by a skunk?" That was clever, Als.

"I'll tell you after I rephrase my question. Have you ever smoked pot?"

Little sisters are not supposed to ask the older sisters that. I'm supposed to ask her and then tell her all the dangers and chiz. But she said she'd tell me why she smelled like ganja after I answer her.

I sort of kind of want to know, too.

I hesitated, but sighed none the less and began to tell my tale that isn't really a tale just a stupid day at Ciara's house, or rather, in the woods Ciara just happened to live in front of. "So remember how I made my mom drive me to that one chick's house last year?" Gwen nodded, even though I'm pretty sure there were a hundred times I made my mother drive me to 'some chick's' house. "When me and a bunch of my friends got there, she said she wanted to do something wild before she had to move in with her Aunt, so she stole some weed from her sisters room and we went in to the woods and smoked. Ta-da. End of story."

I don't think I've ever told anyone that. Mostly because whenever I bring it up, I vaguely remember going skinny dipping with the taxidermy bear they kept on their front porch...

Eh.

"...Was it fun?"

Was it fun?

Well hot damn of course it was fun, but again, I'm not gonna tell her that. Like I said, I'm supposed to tell her the dangers of illegal things and such. But I'm also not supposed to lie.

Why is being the older sister so hard?

"Errrrrrrrr, it may have been just a little fun. But apparently you never really get high the first time you get high. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Ciara got busted anyway and we all just said we didn't know she was high. Her eyes were blue, so it was much easier to tell that her pupils were dilated than the majority of the other girls who had brown eyes."

I hate to say it, but I think Gwen's face just dropped a little. I don't blame her. Everyone wants to try something illegal once in their lifetime, and pot isn't that dangerous I suppose.

I'm glad I told her the bit about the blue eyes.

I didn't get busted that day. Thank you Mama and Daddy fo' givin' me dem dark brown eyes.

I just went home and went to bed. Whut, whut.

I guess Gwen wasn't done with her questions, because she totally didn't tell me what she said she was going to tell me, instead she just got all up in my grill again, "What did it taste like?"

"Pesto sauce."

"You hate pesto."

"Thus why I said it wasn't all it's cracked up to be."

And that's when Beck walked in the room nomming on a bag of cheese Doritos. "What's not all that it's cracked up to be that tastes like pesto?"

Why was he eavesdropping on our conversations, exactly?

Besides, I'm not about to tell him about my adventures in pot smoking. He'd either lecture me or, mine and Gwen's personal favorite thought of what he might do, chain me to the pipe in the basement.

You know...speaking of things that might cause me to be chained to a pipe in the basement, how long has it been exactly since either Gwen or I have seen our boyfriends?

The answer is too long.

I also have to answer Beckett.

Gwen was nudging me in the side and trying not to grin as if to say 'are you really gonna tell him the truth?' even though she already knows that answer.

"I was explaining that periods aren't all they're cracked up to be and the effects of your hormone levels making cheese Doritos taste like pesto."

And that's when Beck left the room.

Haha. Allison wins again.

/ /

Psst.

Hey guys.

Guess what I'm doing?

Sexy texting. With my boyfriend. Boom shackalacka.

Well, I'm sexy texting mostly because I'm waiting for Gwen and Beck to get home from the store. They're like...random food shopping or something? I don't know.

That's a lie. I sort of know exactly what they're doing but I'm not exactly supposed to know.

Would you like to be enlightened, dear readers? I bet you would.

So, as you all should know, Allison Jane Oliver is turning sixteen on the twenty-first of June. That is in two days, as pre mentioned on my Slap status.

What happens when a very hot young lady turns sixteen? My parents decide to throw me a sweet sixteen 'surprise' party. Very possibly a lame one.

Even though our parties are normally far from lame. I mean, at my Aunt's party my sister almost told Beck about my 'Sean bruise' and then later that day I told him, thus commencing a big brother flip out of all time. Then, at our last dinner party a little girl went missing and ended up in Beck's RV totally destroying his Bade pictures. Finally, yesterday when my parents tried to throw a country club luncheon, Gwenners and I got into the Great Oliver Desert War.

Now what could possibly go wrong with this party, you ask?

Everything.

Alright, I don't want to depress myself before my birthday, so let's move on to something else.

Gwen has been telling me for an hour there's something important she needs to talk to me about. But every time she tries to explain it, someone walks in to the room and she totally shuts up. Like, double you tee eff? That means it's something extra juicy.

Allison must find out.

Ping!

There's my phone. Time for another sexy-

'You have one notification from The Slap. Tori Vega has commented on your status: You sound like Trina. :P'

Victoria, that is the highest of insults I have ever received.

Ping!

'You have two notifications from The Slap. Trina Vega has commented on your status: She should take that as a compliment.'

Well, I don't. I would insert Trina's real name, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

Cat's real name is Caterina, even though a lot of people think it's Catherine. I think Trina's is Katrina, or it may just be Trina. Which is weird.

Wait. Why do I care?

"Aly! We're home!" Yeah, Gwen, I hear that, you only slam the door so loudly our relatives in Canada can probably hear it.

I threw my phone onto my bed and padded in to the hallway. They had no groceries.

Oh my god. They could not have tricked me in to thinking they were going sweet sixteen shopping even when I wasn't supposed to know and they just went somewhere else for my sweet sixteen.

Like a car dealership.

Never mind, Gwen's not allowed back at any car dealerships in the area because this

one time she-

She's in front of my face. "Why are you such a ninja that I didn't even see you coming up the stairs?" I raised my eyebrow.

Gwen giggled and shrugged. "Maybe it's because I'm a ninja?"

I rolled my eyes as she narrowed her eyes and looked back and forth like someone was going to pop out of one of the many closed doors in our upstairs hallway.

"What are you doing, Gwendoloser?" I asked, raising my eyebrow more and more with each word.

She held her finger to her lips, "Sh! Quickly! Into my room." Gwen grabbed my elbow and started stealth walking in to her room.

This is not a James Bond movie, Gwen. You are not Sean Connery.

We got in to her room and she closed and locked her door. Why do I feel like I'm going to be raped by my own sister?

I sat down on her bed and crossed my arms. She better have a good explanation for all this 'I can't speak when someone else is in the room' business. "Alright, Gwen. Why are you doing all this double oh seven shit?"

After peering out the window for some unknown reason, she turned back to me and grinned. "There is a reason for everything. There's a reason as to why I came home smelling like a starving artist. It's because I was at a starving artists house getting fake IDs!"

LOLwut. "Uh-"

Before I knew it, my mouth was being covered by a manitee. When did she pick Walter up and start smothering me with him? And why does she look like she's going to explode?

"WE'RE GOING TO THE AVALON HOLLYWOOD NIGHT CLUB TO SEE ALL TIME LOW ON YOUR BIRTHDAY."

But Avalon Hollywood is a...

I know why she got the fake IDs.

I also know why I'm literally screaming and huggling the stuffing out of my sister right now.


	18. unsurprising surprises

tumblrs:_ srzlysaywhaaaa_ and_ kelsthecowriter_

* * *

><p><em>"Surprises are foolish things. The pleasure is not enhanced, and the inconvenience is often considerable." - Jane Austen<em>

**Aly's POV**

Oh hey. It's the next day.

Rhyme score.

But regardless, it is also the day before my birthday, which is why we're going over to this Remy guy's apartment to get our pictures taken for our fake IDs.

I always thought it would be my idea for us to get fake IDs and sneak into a club, not sweet little Gwenny.

My baby sister is growing up so fast. Wipe away lone tear.

"Why do we have to ride our bikes there?" I asked, pulling mine out of the shed in the backyard after Gwen pulled out hers. "I hate using energy to go someplace that you could easily drive to."

"Well, you don't have a license yet, and we can't just go up to Beck and be like, 'Hey bro, we need to get our pictures taken for our fake IDs so we can get into Avalon Hollywood even though we're so not twenty one, so can you drop us at our stoner friend's house?' so it's either this or walk, and quite frankly, this is faster and he doesn't live that far away and why are you complaining anyway, your legs are stronger than mine are, you dancing fool."

Gwen's quite used to rambling, but she had to actually take a deep breath after that was over with.

"... Okay then." But I don't have to be happy about it.

But I am. Because I'm gonna get to see All Time Low.

I love them almost as much as I love Katy Perry. And that's really saying something. I mean, have you heard their music? You'd have to be deaf or a Tori Vega to not be madly in love with them.

Actually, I don't know whether or not Tori likes All Time Low.

I'm going to pretend she doesn't so I don't have any more reasons to like her than necessary.

"You picked out your fake name, right?" Gwen asked, snapping me out of my Whori Vega thoughts.

"Oh, yeah, totally. But I'm not telling 'til we get there." Smirking, I started pushing my bike around to the front yard. Gwen followed. "It's pretty sexy."

"Can a name be sexy?" Gwen's brows furrowed in concentration, since she was apparently trying to think of a sexy name.

"Yes it can, now shut up so we can get going."

Gwen stuck her tongue out at me before pulling a helmet out of her bike basket, which prompted a quick scoff from me. "What?"

"Helmets are for wonks."

"Is safety for wonks?"

"Uh, yeah."

Gwen just gave me a look as she plopped her helmet over her completely blonde hair. Oh, why did I say 'completely blonde', you ask? Well, she got rid of the blue streaks in her frontal hair regions. They were getting kind of faded, and she said they were fun, but now that it's summer, her clothes are a variety of colors and she wants to make sure that her hair matches all her outfits.

Her words, not mine.

Oh, hey, thanks for waiting for me before you started riding off, Gwendolyn.

I can't wait until I get my license.

Then I can run over her with the new car that my parents had better get me tomorrow.

/

"No, this picture isn't going to work."

"What do you mean, Bob Marley?"

Remy turned from his computer screen to look at me. Ignoring the fact that I called him by the name of a famous musical dope fiend that's of a completely different ethnicity, he said, "You look way too good in this picture."

"... That's your idea of a problem?"

"When making fake IDs, it is." He clicked around on stuff on his PearBook, then looked back at us again. "ID and driver's license pictures are always terrible, no matter how good looking you are."

I guess that's true. Beck looks drunk on his driver's license pic.

"I guess I should retake my picture too," Gwen said, playing with some Clackers she found on Remy's coffee table.

"Nah, yours is good."

Gwen's mouth scrunched into a frown and she dropped the Clackers back onto the table. "Why not?" She pointed to the monitor. "My hair looks fantastic!"

Remy pointed to the screen as well. "Yeah, but look at your face."

"That's my mature face."

"It looks like someone shoved a lead pipe up your butt."

Haha. I like this guy.

Even if his apartment does smell like a Cheech and Chong movie.

"Okay, okay, I'll ugly up." As I walked back over to the white backdrop, I messed my hair up a little, even though every fiber of my being tried to stop me from doing so.

Remy got up, stood behind the camera again and, after adjusting everything, looked back up at me. "Say 'underage drinking.'"

"Undera-" Okay, just go ahead and take it. That's cool. At least my mouth was wide open and hideous, as the new picture that was loaded onto his laptop showed.

I combed my hair back to perfection as we both walked back over to his base of operation. AKA his desk. "Okay, that's better. I'll just put these pictures here..." He fiddled around with some more stuff, cropping both my and Gwen's pictures into two separate Photoshop documents that looked like real identification cards. Not that I've seen them a lot, but they looked professional enough. "I've got all the information you two gave me filled out. I just need the names you want."

"I've got mine picked out." I flipped my hair out of my face and smirked. "Chloe Von Lustenburg."

"Ooh, that sounds fancy," Gwen said, grinning at me as Remy typed that in. "Like an heiress or a senator's daughter or something."

"I know." I looked over at her. "What's your new name?"

Gwen let out a small giggle before telling me, "Faye Kinnit."

Faye Kinnit.

Faye. Kinnit.

Just say that out loud without pausing and you'll see why it's the stupidest name in the world.

"That's seriously the name you're going with?" Remy asked, looking over his shoulder to playfully smile at her. "Why don't you just call yourself Eileen Dover and call it a day?"

"What? It's clever." Gwen crossed her arms. "And Faye's a cute name. The last name either has to be Kinnit or Dinfast."

Faye Dinfast. That's almost as bad. Maybe even worse.

Remy and I exchanged a glance and shrugged. It's not like she's gonna need to get into the club with it anyway.

Oh, did you want details on that? Well, you asked for it.

When Gwen first told me about her Avalon Hollywood fake ID extravaganza gift, after I finished hugging the wazz out of her, the first thing out of my mouth was "but dude, even with a fake ID, no one would ever buy it, 'cause you look like a ten year old boy."

First, Gwen threw Walter at me.

But then she told me she'd just have to sneak in. So after looking up Avalon Hollywood and finding a map of the building, we found out there's a window in the ladies room that thankfully opens. Gwen will have to climb on top of a dumpster or something, but if I get in the handicapped stall and help her in, then we can both watch All Time Low and shake our money makers and have a super sexy amazing time.

And that just makes the night all the more exciting.

With a final click, Remy spun around in his swivel chair. "Okay, done. After I laminate these, Chloe and Faye will be able to get into Avalon, no problem."

"Yay!" Gwen clapped, as if applause was needed. "When will they be done laminating?"

"I have to get them done right, and the laminator I have takes a while." He patted some weird machine to his left, which I'm guessing is the laminator. "It takes a while for the plastic to harden afterwards, so I'll probably be able to get them to you by tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow night?" I questioned. "But we need them before then!"

"Don't worry, I'll stop by your place and give them to you like an hour or two before you leave. It's on the way to my boyfriend's house anyway." Remy fiddled with some more stuff before standing up. "Are you having a party beforehand or anything?"

"NO," Gwen not at all suspiciously shouted. "No, we are not! And if we were, it certainly wouldn't be a surprise party!"

"Really. I'm not getting a party."

"No!"

"So you and Beck went out yesterday and got nothing for no reason."

"... Yes."

"... Alright then. Remy, it's been a pleasure. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, good luck with the party that's totally not happening."

I do like this guy.

Too bad he's gay.

And not Cory. Who I really do need to see soon.

That'll probably be the only good thing about this party.

Oh, and the fact that it will give me something to do until Gwen and I can sneak off to Avalon.

... Wait. How the heck are we gonna get there?

I'm not riding my bike all the way to Hollywood, I'm saying that now.

My legs aren't that muscular.

/ /

"What's up with you two and the bike riding lately?" Beck asked as we leaned our bikes against his RV, which he had just walked out of. How convenient. "If you guys wanted to go somewhere, I'd take you."

El oh el, yeah, because you totally would have been cool with driving us to go do illegal things.

"It's good exercise," I told him, gesturing to my curvy self. "This body does not just happen, brother dear."

"Yeah, Aly's helping me... be more sexy."

Oh, Gwendolyn. Please leave the lying to me.

"Uh, sure." Beck, being the nosy scutter that he is, normally would have interrogated us more, but he had his keys in his hands, so I'm guessing he had somewhere to be. "Gwen, come on, we need to go to the store again."

As Gwen pulled her wonky helmet off, tossed it in her bike basket and fixed her helmet hair, I crossed my arms. "Oh, am I not invited?"

"No, you're not." Beck fiddled around with his thousands of keys until he found the one for his car. "You hate going to the store. I'm just trying to be nice."

"You're never nice to me. I'm the nice one in this family."

"I'm pretty sure those are both lies." Beck smiled as he and Gwen walked over to his car. "Come on, you know why you can't come. I'm not allowed to say it out loud, but you know why."

"Beck!" Gwen chided. "Stop giving her hints! You might as well just tell her she's getting a sur-"

"Play with the pretty keys," Beck interrupted, holding his keys out to her after taking his car key off of the loop. I bet some of you readers are like, 'oh come on, Gwen's not a toddler, that's not gonna work.'

Oh, you poor, poor readers.

As Gwen jangled the keys and squeezed the mini squeezey squeaky alien thing that's kind of like the one Crazy Steve had on Drake and Josh, I raised an eyebrow at Beck. "Really? Even though you know that I know about the you know what, you're still going to go along and pretend like you're going out and doing nothing with Gwen, and forbidding me to come and do the nothingness with you?"

"... I can't hear you over the car engine."

"You're not even in the car."

Beck weaved past me, slid into the driver's seat of his car and turned on the engine. "Now I am. Gwen, come on!"

Gwen's head snapped up. "But this alien thing is so squeaky!"

"Squeak it while I drive!"

"Kaykay!" She ran around and after she got in the passenger's seat, they started backing out of the driveway.

"Hey!" I yelled, spinning around to glare at the vehicle. "At least tell me where you're going!"

"See you in an hour, Als!" was what Beck chose to shout at me from his rolled down window before he drove down the road and left me all alone.

Fine. I know what you're doing anyway.

Even though I don't know the specifics.

Whatever. I'm going inside and watching CSI.

But when I got inside and walked into the living room, before I could even pick up the remote, I heard my ringtone.

It had better be Beck calling to apologize and tell me they're going to go get a huge ass bow to put on my new car.

Oh. It's Cat. I guess that's okay too.

As soon as I picked up, my ear was filled with, "Hi hi, almost birthday girl!"

"Hey, Cat." I flopped onto the couch. "What's up?"

"What's up with what?"

"... Why did you call me?"

"Oh yeah! I need to ask a question about your party tomorrow."

I sat up straighter. "Ugh. I knew they were throwing me a party!"

"... Was that supposed to be a surprise?" she guiltily squeaked out.

"Yeah. But I knew it was gonna happen anyway." I tossed a pillow out of my way and laid back down.

"Oh. Yay then!" She giggled before asking, "So, um, Tori wanted to know if you'd like a PearTunes card for your birthday."

"Uh, yeah, I guess-" Whoa. Tell me she did not just say the name I thought she said. "Tori's coming to the party?"

"Yeah, Beck invited her. Why?"

Gah. Of course he did. Now this party's going to suck even worse. I'm not about to go complaining to Cat about Tori though, 'cause she'll probably start crying and I can't handle a crying Cat, so I just sighed. "A PearTunes card would be great."

At least I get a PearTunes card out of it. I can buy some more All Time Low songs after the concert.

... Wait. We still need a ride and Cat has a car. And she'll be over for the party anyway.

"Hey Cat?"

"Whatty?"

"How would you feel about helping Gwen and I do something totally not illegal?"


	19. singing in the traffic

_Hey guys, Kels here. I wrote a oneshot about Aly and Gwen being Beck and Jade's daughters from the future, as requested by lovely anonymous people. You should check it out: http : / / kelsthecowriter . tumblr . com /post/23618515628/flashbacks-and-fast-forwards_

_And you should leave Cici and I asks on our pages while you're at it because asks are like warm cinnamon buns._

* * *

><p><em>"I'm the worst person to be stuck with in a traffic jam." - Larry King<em>

**Gwen's POV**

Going to the cake store, like yeah. Picking up Aly's cake, like yeah.

Too bad we're stuck in traffic, like boo.

And I'm currently occupying myself with a very funny scenario of an old woman trying to get out of a parking meter ticket.

I can't hear her, but I'm totally trying to think of what she's saying. I think the conversation is going something along the lines of this- yes, it's time for ol' Gwenny to write a one act play.

The old woman slowly drew back her purse clutched in her right hand, and was holding the other hand up saying, "No, sir. I don't deserve this ticket. My car has only been parked here for a few minutes, your meter must be off."

The meter ticket guy sighed and shook his head. "Ma'am, if I don't give you this ticket, I can risk being fired, and then my wife and six children will leave me. I'll be lonely forever."

"But if you do give me that ticket and I have to pay it off, I won't be able to get my medicine this month." She smiled, ever so sweetly.

There was silence, at least I think there was, for a few moments, before the man laughed hopefully loudly and grinned from ear to ear. He ripped off the piece of paper that was presumably her ticket, and chuckled out, "Lady, that is not my problem."

Exit meter ticket guy left, exit old woman getting in her car, end scene.

The crowd goes wild for Gwen's one act play entitled, 'Officers don't care'. She wins a golden globe or something and then she continues her life of art.

Yes, yes. I win.

Oh readers, of course that's all in my head. But why shouldn't it be real?

Oh hey. Traffic is finally moving.

I shifted my head from the outside world to Beck, who look exasperated at all this traffic. "So, do you think Aly knows we're getting something for the party she's not supposed to know about?"

Beck chuckled, "Of course she knows, Gwen. Aly always knows when we're throwing her a party."

I smiled and nodded in agreement. That is some true chiz.

Speaking of things that Aly shouldn't know, I wonder what Beck got her for her birthday. Shrug. It can't hurt to ask him. "Becky, what did you get Als for her b-day?" Now, before I tell you what he said after I asked, I want you all to know, that I said that in the most innocent way ever. Like, he legit had no reason not to tell me.

"Nuh uh. No way am I telling you what I got her."

See. Do you see that? Or, er, read that? He won't even tell me. We're siblings and we're not supposed to keep secrets even though over the past few months Aly and I have kept more secrets from him than the Chamber of Secrets itself kept from the whole school of Hogwarts.

My sister would be proud of me for making a Harry Potter referance.

Did I spell referance right...whatever, carrying on.

I put on my famous Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver pout face and pouted it up in my brother's direction, "Why won't you tell me?"

Beck pressed the break peddle hard and I basically almost was lunged out of my seat, thank God for seatbelts. "Gah, this bumper to bumper traffic is insane. This is the last time I take a forty-five minutes to pick up a cake in the middle of summer. At this rate, we'll be lucky to get there just before it closes."

I really hate sitting here. Like a duck. Like a sitting duck.

Oh my gosh. Insert a face palm here. I totally meant to tell you guys what kind of cake we're getting for my sisters party tomorrow, because most of you might be wondering 'what kind of cake do you get for a girl who's lactose intolerant and doesn't like cake to begin with? a cake made of air? sounds yummy.' Well, first off, don't get fresh with me, readers. I will slap you with a trout.

And, for your information, there is one kind of cake that I'm sure Aly will love. That kind of cake is a Pina Colada cake. A Pina Colada cake that is vegan, meaning it has no dairy in it whatsoever, so it's basically healthy.

There you go. Bam. Superflyingvictoryflip.

Wait. Cake. Party. Presents!

Why must I get so side tracked? "Beck, you didn't answer me. Why won't you tell me what you got Allison?"

"Because, Gwen, she'll torture you until you tell her and you wouldn't want that, would you?" He chuckled, raising his eyebrow.

Hmph.

My reply to that? "Please tell me?"

"Nuh uh."

"Please, Becky?"

"Don't call me that, and no."

"Pretty please, with sugar on top and...and an RV shaped chocolate bar?"

"Can you even get those?"

"Maybe it'd happen if you just tell me."

"Nah."

"I'll get Jade to tickle your tummy."

A slight pause from the opposing side. He's taking the bribe...

"No, Gwen, seriously. Stop asking."

...

"PLEASE TELL ME."

He sighed. "Fine, alright, I'll tell you."

"Really?"

"No." Beck leaned over and flicked my forehead. Boobies butt crack turd nugget to you, Beckett James.

There we sat, in silence for the next five minutes. I still really want to know what he got her. Even though I know it's not going to be as amazing as my gift. Sorry, Beck, but that's the truth.

Yeah, buddy.

Beck made a turn at a stop light in an attempt to get away from the mass amounts of cars, but we were soon stopped in traffic again in result of a crying child not wanting to get off the summer camp bus.

No one thinks it's weird that he doesn't want to go home to his family? LOL okay.

Beck took this momentary cease of me asking him what he got our sister, I say momentary because I plan to ask again, and gave me a small smirk.

I will ask again.

Mark my words.

Seriously. Print this page out and highlight those words, 'cause I'll be back.

/ /

They got that kid off the bus after fifteen minutes, would you believe that?

Ugh, this huge white guy came out of the one house and like, grabbed the kid by the back of the shirt and walked him into the house. It was frightening.

I tried to ask Beck again, you know, that question I told you guys to highlight, but he just held his finger up in that whole 'shhhh' way.

Damn him.

"So...I have a question." Oh, so know HE gets to ask the questions.

I shot him a mini glare he couldn't see, because like a good driver, he keeps his eyes on the road. "I might have an answer. Or I might just flick you on the forehead."

"Har dee har har. I was just wondering, does Aly have anything special planned for her sixteenth?" Beck asked, a hint of suspicion in his voice.

Oh no.

He found out.

He found out that we're going to a club and I obtained two illegal fake ID's from my pothead gay friend. I'm so done for.

I put on my cheesiest smile and looked over at him, "What ever do you mean?" That was said in a sweet voice. But not too sweet.

Musn't be too sweet.

After pulling the car up about two inches he sighed, "You know, does she have anything special planned with, er, Cory that night?"

Cory? Why would he be asking about him?

...

Unless.

Oh jeez, Beckett thinks that Aly is planning to lose her V-card on the night of her sixteenth birthday because of that stupid conversation he, her and I had like a trillion years ago.

Trying to bite back laughter, I managed to get out, "Beck, I don't think what you're thinking is going to happen. Cory's not like that. His mission in life is not to get in to Aly's pants."

I swear he just cringed. Hah, ten points for making Beck cringe goes to Gwendolyn.

"Gwenners, he's a boy. All boys are like that."

My inward victory thoughts stopped short and I raised not one, but both my eyebrows and lifted up my hand, pointing to my finger. "David is a boy and he's definitely not like that."

"Well...sometimes I question David's sexuality so-"

"Oh you mean like people question yours?"

Beck stopped the conversation and started driving after that.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone that far. Eh. It was funny, and we all know he didn't take that seriously.

Seriously. We all know he and Jade 'study' a lot. And by a lot, I mean whenever and wherever.

Like the RV. Or the Blackbox Theatre. Or my old living room couch. Or Beck's actual bedroom. Or anywhere in Jade's house that Aly and I haven't documented.

Yeah...see, we sort of have a notebook with a list of all the weird places Jade and Beck have done it.

That may sound creepy, mostly because it is. Way creepy. But it just proves that they're sexual deviants and probably couldn't go one week without sex.

Hah, one week? Make it like, a day and a half.

Not saying that the sex is what keeps their relationship going, it's just that they do it, a lot, and it's sort of like crack to them. When they stop, they have withdrawals.

They'd probably go insane.

I'm gonna stop sounding like Aly and talking about sex.

Anyway, in that notebook, we also have a list of the people who have picked up the phone when we pranked called them. Fun times.

I'm really beginning to think that this 'short cut' to get us away from traffic, threw us into the path of even more traffic.

You know, this trip is making me hate cars so much, that I'm going to save up all my Edison babysitting money, and when I'm older, I'm just going to by myself a private jet. That way I'll never have to face this bad of a traffic jam.

Traffic jam, it's not a jelly, but a jam. A great big jam.

I should make a song. "Traffic jam, it's not a jelly, but a jam. A great big jam. And we're stuck in it. Sitting in traffic, sitting in traffic, oh I wish we weren't sitting in traffic. Traffic jam, a great big jam and now we're just sitting in traffic. Gonna a pick up a cake, duh nuh duh nuh, but we're stuck in this jam, sitting in- high note! TRRAAAFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC. Who's that girl? It's Gwen!" Stole that last bit from The New Girl, but I don't think Jess will mind.

Back to singing. "Sitting in traffic, sitting in traffic,-"

"Gwen! Can you please sing something else?" I looked over and Beck had one hand clutched on the steering wheel and the other hand had hair intertwined in it. It looked like he was trying to rip out his locks.

It couldn't be my song. "Do you not like my song? It's called Sitting in Traffic."

"Really? I would have never guessed."

Was that sarcasm. How rude. "I'd like to see you come up with a better song. Becky can't sing, Becky can't sing, Beckett cannot sing. He only reads books and he cannot sing, even if he's reading a how to sing book." Starkid, for the win. I love you Darren Criss.

Before I knew it, there was a very tan hand over my very pale face, mainly my mouth region. "How about instead of singing you tell me what you got Aly for her birthday."

...LOL what.

What am I supposed to say?

I can't tell him about- you know what. Uh, uh, "Uh...socks!" Yeah. Socks. Bitches love socks.

I should stop cursing. It's bad for your soul. Oh! Fun fact of the day, swearing when you hurt yourself actually helps with the pain. It makes you release encephalin, which raised your pain threshold.

"...Socks?"

Why is he questioning my fake gift? Like he could make up a better lie on such short notice. "Yeah, socks. They're green and have moose on them."

That's when my brother gave me a very skeptical look. "It's the thought that counts, Beck."

He shrugged. Am off the hook, suckers.

I went back to looking at the window, much like I was doing when I made up my one act play, and saw a road sign that I had seen last time we went to this cake store to order said cake.

We're almost there. Good.

"Sitting in traffic, sitting in traffic..."


	20. pierced cashiers and fat free fat cakes

_Hi, everyone! Just a quick note, if you're not only a fan of Aly and Gwen but of our Glee OCs, Carli and Liv, then you should check out the Carliv drabble I wrote as per an anon's request. If you're not a fan of Carliv, then you are not a fan of happiness._

_I kid. But here's the link anyway: http : / / kelsthecowriter . tumblr . com /post/23756940350/paris-amour-in-new-york_

_And I just want to say, I may not always respond to reviews, but Cici and I always read them and we so, so appreciate them. Seriously, you guys are the best. Less than three._

_Just wanted to say that. Alright, enjoy this terrible chapter that I wrote._

_"I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know it's the people calling others weird that are weird."-Paul McCartney_

**Gwen's POV**

We're finally out of traffic and at the bakery. Hurray!

You'd think vegan bakeries would have really icky stuff, like frosting coated tofu or something. Even though they couldn't sell anything with real frosting because frosting has dairy in it and stuff. So that's actually a really bad example.

Point is, the stuff here looks good.

Especially the candy.

Did you know that a lot of the candy you can find at grocery stores is vegan? Airheads, twizzlers, smarties... But not the Canadian brand of smarties. Those are chocolate and that's a vegan no-no.

However, these free gourmet vegan watermelon lollipops take the cake. But not Aly's cake, 'cause Beck and I are taking that cake.

I walked back over to Beck, who was leaning up against the counter for the bakery in the back. Beck leans up against stuff a lot. I guess he thinks it makes him look cool.

... Because it does.

I should lean against stuff more often. I need all the cool cred I can get.

"Isn't the cake ready?" Lick.

"Yeah, but they're having problems finding the box to put it-" Beck paused, looking at my epic pink lollipop. "Where'd you get that?"

Lick lick. "In a basket over there." I pointed to the front counter where the final payments are made.

"Did you pay for it?"

"... No." Sheepish lick. "None of them had price tags! That means they're free!"

Beck stopped leaning against the counter like a cool cucumber and walked over to the basket with the fancy lollipops. After looking at it for two seconds, he asked, "This is the basket you got it from?"

"Yes."

"This basket with the sign on the front that clearly says 'three dollars a piece' in huge black letters?"

"... Yeeeessssss." Guilty lick. "I thought that meant the basket was three dollars... a piece."

Beck shook his head in a 'what am I gonna do with you' sort of way that I see him use almost any time Allison or I are around him. "You're the reason we get kicked out of so many stores."

That is so-

-not false.

"Since it's not free, can you pwease buy me this wowwypop?" Adorable puppy dog face along with equally adorable lick.

Beck just stared at me, with that condescending big brother look of his.

"... I'll pay the three dollars."

"There we go."

Curse you and your condescending looks, Beckett. They're no match for my adorbs pouty looks.

"As I was saying," he started, crossing his arms and, big shocker, leaning against the counter, "the cake isn't quite ready yet. They said it might be fifteen minutes."

"So what are we supposed to do until then?" I dug around in the pocket of my Levis cuffed shorts and pulled out a few crumpled dollar bills.

Beck shrugged. "Just wait here, I guess."

"Oh. Okay." I laid the money on the counter, so I could give it to the cashier when he or she came back from feeding their pet rabbit tofu carrots or wherever vegan people do when they're not looking after their store like they're supposed to. And then I leaned against the counter too, because I am also quite the cool cat. "I know what we could do to pass the time!"

Beck shot me a glance. "What?"

"I could sing the reprise to Sitting in Traffic! It'll be called Leaning On The Counter in a Vegan Bakery and it will be most excellent. Ooooooh, leaning on the counter in a veeeeegan baa-"

This is the second time Beck has slapped his big old man hand over my mouth today. He needs to learn some manners.

"On second thought, maybe we should get some party snacks from across the street."

... I guess we could do that.

If he'd take his hand off my facial region, that is. It'd be hard to shop for tortilla chips if we had to walk around like that.

Or maybe it'd be easier, since having a constant grip on me would keep me from doing something to get us kicked out of the mini mart.

Why don't we just get to the part where Beck and I go to the mini mart?

All right then.

/ /

I keep my promises, readers. Here we are, at Jorge's Mini Mart. Nice name, isn't it?

While Beckett tried to look for chips that Aly wouldn't just throw at people, I was in charge of getting some sodies. And the sodies were right next to the junk food aisle, so I guess that's how I got there. And how six boxes of Fat Cakes got into my basket.

Beck, who had several bags of various chips clutched in his hands, joined me in the junk food aisle. I was hoping he wouldn't notice my fluffy pink snacks but he's Beckett Oliver, so of course be noticed. "Fat Cakes?" He picked up one of the boxes and then looked at me. "Seriously? Aly hates Fat Cakes."

I huffed, snatching the box back from him. "If we're getting snacks based on what Aly likes, all we're going to have is lettuce, pistachios and... water."

Beck did the box snatching this time. How rude. "Yeah, but Fat Cakes? Aly hates anything with the word 'fat' in it."

That is true. To this day, she refuses to watch Fat Albert with me.

"But... but they're fat free Fat Cakes!"

"That means it says fat twice, and that doesn't help your argument." Beck smirked and I stuck my tongue out at him. "Tell you what, I'll buy you these twenty million boxes of fat free Fat Cakes if you promise me you'll never sing Sitting in Traffic or Leaning on a Vegan Counter at... Whatever ever again."

That sounds like a risky offer, but fat free Fat Cakes are the bomb diggity, so...

I grinned. "Deal."

And I can always make up another song. Like Standing In Line At Jorge's Mini Mart or maybe I Have The Best Fat Free Fat Cake Buying Brother Ever.

Or I could just give the poor guy a break. That would be nice of me.

... Nah.

I think Beck tried to hide his ecstatic grin to spare my feelings, but basically telling me my songs suck is apparently a-okay. But I digress. "Look, the cake's probably ready by now. I'll get it and put it in the car." He sat the rest of his chips in my overflowing basket. Curse Jorge's lack of shopping carts. "You stay here and pay for the stuff."

"Wait, don't you need me to help you carry the cake?"

"... Okay, I'm going to be honest. If you help carry the cake, you'll probably just drop it, and then you'll start crying, and then I'll have two problems on my hands."

"I... I should probably be more offended by that, but I could totally see that happening."

Beck put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "You may be clumsy, but at least you're agreeable."

"Thanks... I guess."

My rather rude brother chuckled before digging around in his pocket and pulling out his wallet. "Twenty dollars should cover it. Don't spend the change on a yoyo or something."

I took the money he handed me and raised an eyebrow. "You're just full of sass today, aren't you?"

"What can I say, Aly's rubbed off on me." With one final smirk, he left me and my fat free Fat Cakes all alone.

I walked up to the front of the store so I could get in line, even though there wasn't one since I was like the only person there besides the heavily pierced cashier lady. And since there wasn't really a rush... I looked at the yoyos.

What? Yoyos are fun. And I didn't buy one. So ha.

After about a minute or so of looking at the toys up front while the black and pink spikey haired girl behind the counter flipped through a magazine and shot me an occasional glance, I got back on track and looked up right as somebody else entered. Somebody else named-

"Mom?"

Jane looked up from rifling around in her purse, hey eyes wide as saucers. "Gwendolyn! Wh-What are you doing here?"

"Um, Beck and I came to pick up Aly's cake at the bakery across the street, remember? And I'm getting some snacks for the party." I tried hiding my fat free Fat Cakes underneath one of the bags of chips. I don't think she would have noticed either way. She looked kind of nervous. "What are you doing here?"

"I... I'm on my break and I thought I'd pick up stuff for... my friend." Jane nodded. "Yes, my good friend from work. Sweet lady."

I smiled. "That's nice of you. What's her name?"

"... Janet."

My brows furrowed in confusion. "Janet? I've never heard you mention a Janet before."

"She's a... relatively new friend."

"Oh." I nodded slowly as she started to walk around and gather a few things. I followed her. "What does she need? Why doesn't she just get them herself? Does her husband not let her spend money? Or is she just not smart enough to be left alone to buy stuff? Then why is she-"

"Gwen, darling, you should really talk less."

Hhmph. She sounds like Cat's dad. Except ten times antsier.

I momentarily kept my mouth shut and looked at the stuff she snatched that seemed pretty random to me. "Why does this Janet need a box of Cracker Smacks, a map of Hollywood, a funnel, and... Modern Middle-aged Man Monthly?"

"... Janet should not be questioned."

"Is Janet going through the same... crisis as Uncle Barbra did?"

"Oh look at the time I really need to buy this stuff and get back to work don't tell your brother and sister about this love you see you at home okay bye," Mom blurted out, throwing way too much money on the counter and walking out the door. She dropped one of her items outside, a small box I'm pretty sure I didn't notice before, but she picked it up and scurried off before I could see what it was.

"... M'kay." I walked up and sat my basket of crap on the counter.

The pierced cashier chick shot me a glance as she attempted to organize the wad of cash my mother threw at her. "That crazy broad was your mother?"

"Yeah, well, adopted mother," I muttered as I started pulling stuff out of the basket for her to ring up.

"At least you didn't get any of her psycho genes," the girl, whose name tag on her dark green vest read 'Hello, my name is Ursula!', muttered with a faint smirk.

I shrugged. "Yeah, well..." I honestly didn't know what to say to that, but this Ursula character apparently deemed this an acceptable response. As she continued to ring up the junk for Aly's party and my delight (read: fat free Fat Cakes), I looked at the naval piercing clearly visible due to her too short shirt and said, "I like your piercings."

"Thanks, kid." She started bagging my stuff and added, "My uncle owns a tattoo and piercing parlor."

"Nice. My uncle's a woman."

I didn't get much of a response from that. I guess she's seen weirder.

"Y'know, I've always kind of wanted another piercing. I have my ears done, but I think a nose piercing or a belly button ring would be cool. I'm not sure I could pull them off, though."

"Lift up your shirt."

Oh God somebody call Chris Hansen.

Even though this girl's seventeen at the most and she's not trying to molest me via the Internet.

Ursula rolled her eyes. "Don't look at me like that, kid, just lift it up so I can see your belly button."

Oh. That's a little less alarming.

After I lifted my top up enough for her to see my belly, she nodded, as if she approved. "Nah, you could pull it off. Just wanted to make sure you didn't have any flab hidden under there, but you check out."

"Uh... Thank you."

She peeked into her shirt, pulled something out of her bra and handed it to me. "Here's the number for my uncle's shop. Tell him Ursula sent you. You'll get a discount."

"Oh, uh, okay, thanks." I tucked the business card in my pocket. "You keep that in your bra?"

Ursula shrugged. "When your pants are as tight as mine, you have to be creative about where you keep shit."

"... You're nice." I grinned.

"Pretty much everyone else who has ever met me would disagree." Ursula smirked before adding, "I like you, kid. You've got moxy."

"I don't know what moxy is, but I'm glad I have it." I smiled, taking my bagged stuff. "Thanks for the card." With one last ding of the tiny little bell, I was out the door.

After waddling over to the parked car with all my bags, Beck, who had just closed the trunk, took some from me and helped me put them in the back. "Where's the cake?"

"The trunk. Don't worry, I've got some stuff around it so it won't slide all over the place," he reassured me as he got into the passenger's seat and buckled up like a good Beckett.

I got in and buckled up too, my bag full of fat free Fat Cakes in my lap. And yes, it is necessary for me to keep adding the fat free part, because otherwise you might think I have fat filled Fat Cakes and then you'd think I was fat filled, but according to Ursula the mini mart cashier with the tattooing, belly button piercing uncle, I'm not. Not that I'm saying I'd do it, because my parents would freak, but it's still a nice gesture.

Moving on.

After I gave Beck his precious change and he started the car, I mentioned, "I saw Mom at Jorge's."

"Really?" As he pulled back onto the road, he looked back at me. "What was she doing there?"

"She was getting some stuff for a friend of hers." I shrugged. "Some really weird stuff if you ask me. Like Modern Middle-aged Man Monthly."

Beck's thick brows furrowed. "That is weird."

"I told ya." Since we were sitting in traffic again and I wasn't allowed to sing Sitting in Traffic anymore, I looked in my bag to open one of my boxes of fat free Fat Cakes so I could stuff one in my mouth to keep myself from dropping a zesty beat. After doing so, I noticed a fat free item in the bag that wasn't a Fat Cake.

Ursula gave me a free yoyo.

If that ain't a sign of friendship, I don't know what is.

Jorge's Mini Mart is a pretty cool place. I can see why Mom went there to get random chizz for her freakish friend.

Speaking of freakish people, I wonder what Aly is doing back at home...


	21. the surprise that is actually surprising

_tumblrs: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter. leave us questions, suggestions and chiz._

* * *

><p><em>"I just want you that's it. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm. Everything. I just want you." -Sara Quin<em>

**Aly's POV**

Long time no read, guys.

I have some great news. Cat is willing to drive us to the club tomorrow night!

Except she doesn't think it's a club. She...sort of thinks it's an Alexander McQueen memorial. I figure that was safest to go with because number one, Cat will mostly believe anything you tell her.

Remember the cupcakes?

And number two, Alexander McQueen is dead, so a memorial was the safest to go with.

Although why anyone would believe the memorial would be in Los Angeles is beyond me. I mean, there is one out there, but I thought it was in New York City.

Whatever.

"Babe, how can one person have so many nail polishes?" Oh right, I should probably tell you guys that Cory is here. But by that interrogative sentence structure, I'm sure you could tell it was him. I mean, how many other guys do you know call me 'babe' and are still breathing?

Besides my ex-boyfriend.

I rolled my eyes at Cory's boy-ness, "I only have like...fifty. Okay, so maybe that is a lot. I'm sorry, does my nail polish obsession disturb you?" I smiled.

He sat on my bed and shook his head, "Nah. Not as much as the closet you dedicated to your dance wear."

Har dee har har. So what if I sort of threw the clothes Beck left in his room closet into a big pile in the corner of that room and used it to store all my dance competition stuff. It just means I'm dedicated to my dance.

I think that's a trait Gwen and I share. When we're both dedicated to something, we get extremely dedicated.

Her room is shelved with mass amounts of art supplies and sketchbooks. I just so happened to have an entire closet full of clothes for dance.

"Where did Beck and Gwen go, anyway?" My lovely boyfriend was sitting there, all sexy like might I add, on my bed and looking through one of my picture albums.

He shouldn't look in there.

I used to be so ugly.

Well. Okay. Not ugly. But when I say that, it's just a synonym for another word. And that other word is bee are you en ee tee tee ee.

That literally took me a few minutes to type out. If you can't spell, that says brunette.

At least I hope it does.

Before some of your cool cats are like 'ehmagawd, allison, I'm brunette does that mean I'm ugly?'

No. It doesn't. You're beautiful.

I just wasn't as a brunette.

I leaned against the wall next to my door and sighed, "They went to pick up shit for my party that I'm not supposed to know about, but I know about anyway because I'm just awesome like that and why are you looking at those pictures?"

Cory smirked and turned the book, "You were so cute with brown hair." He pointed to a picture of Gwen and I on Thanksgiving at Uncle Barbra's house like, October of five years ago.

...Canadian Thanksgiving, that is.

I snatched the book away from his hands and closed it, tossing it on to my desk. "Please. Never mention the word 'cute' and 'brunette' in the same sentence when speaking about me again." I shuddered.

"Allison. You would be gorgeous no matter what hair color you have. You have and always will be beautiful." His blue eyes stared up at me with the upmost sincerity.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

After a few moments, I craned my neck to look out the window, making sure no cars were entering the driveway, or were there without me knowing.

Why was I making sure that no one was here besides Cory and I?

Well, let's just say this girl is tired of sexy texting.

"Sooooo," I put my hand on Cory's shoulders and slid myself on to his lap. "We're home alone."

"Nice observation." Cory smirked and kissed my lips before I could even shoot him a mini glare.

Sarcasm and jokes are not welcome when I'm trying to have sexy time.

I lifted my legs onto the bed and leaned back. Thank you, queen sized bed for allowing this to be possible. "We could have some fun."

I used to think Sean's Edward Cullen half smile was really sexy, but the fact that Cory looks like one of the guys on the Hollister shopping bags, his smiles are much better. "Like what kind of fun?"

He is dragging this out and it's making me angrier.

Maybe he knows that. Maybe I'm sexy when I'm angry.

That seems more of a Jade trait.

Cory stroked my bangs back out of my face, "You never asked me what I got you for your birthday, you know."

He's right. I haven't. Come to think of it, I haven't had time to interrogate anyone on what they got me. All I know is what Gwen and I are doing, and what unfortunately Glitter Titters is getting me. Not that I wanted her to come anyway.

Besides, I folded my hands over my stomach and twisted the 'Live Life Be Brave' ring around my ring finger. Cory already gave me a beautiful gift just a week before, honestly, I don't really want anything else from him. "What'd you get me?"

Without an answer, Cory leaned down and shifted his body so instead of my legs being spread across him, he was over me instead. Kissing me.

After a few general kisses, no tongue, he leaned back, "Do you remember when we went on that Skybucks date, courtesy of Gwendolyn, and you wouldn't even let me kiss you?"

I bit my lip, biting back a laugh about how stupid I was. We could have had the love we have now sooner, if I would have let go of Sean sooner. "Of course I do. That was basically our first date. A date that wasn't really a date because it was a scam."

Cory's eyebrows furrowed together. "I don't count that as our first date."

"Then what was?" Unless he counts the carnival. But the Skybucks date with Gwen and David-

My boytoy kissed me again, cutting off my thoughts, "The first time we ever went to Skybucks together, right after we met. I count that because it's the first moment I realized I loved you and wanted to be with you."

Please have hot sex with me in this bed right now you mega sexy boy.

WAIT. That's definitely moving too fast. I have to go slow. I'm not sixteen until tomorrow.

I've inwardly promise myself I'd wait until I was sixteen or older, because Beck was sixteen when he lost it to Jade.

That lovely little conversation of love is being followed by a very steamy makeout session. Cory getting to second base on my bed is much more romantic than when Sean got to second base in the janitor's closet.

Cory doesn't grab any part of me like he's trying to tear my skin off either, he's much more gentle.

How are you supposed to tell if you're going too fast?

Er, how shall I describe this for you...

You already know we're on my bed, he's on top (that sounds dirtier than it is) and we're kissing and groping and oh my god this feels so good.

Shit. Like I was saying- oh my god but his tongue.

Is it just me or is this whole side tracking thing just sounding WAY dirtier than it is? If you were here, you'd see that this isn't what it sounds like.

Also if you were here that'd be really creepy.

I think I have a new favorite place to be kissed. You know that little area between your boobs? Definitely my favorite place to be kissed.

LOL That awkward moment when you're making out with your boyfriend and you realize that neither of you are wearing shirts.

I should probably stop, but I really don't want to. Maybe I should just change it up a bit.

I rolled myself over on top of him, so he was laying beneath me. Much better.

Cory grabbed my hips and pulled them closer to his waist, simultaneously kissing my neck. I swear to God we could go much farther-

If it wasn't for the fact that I just heard my front door slam.

"Allison! Stop dancing the mattress mumbo with your boyfriend and come down here!"

...How does Jade know Cory is here?

Speaking of whom is still kissing my facial region, "Maybe if you ignore her, she'll go away."

I pushed my fingers to his lips and shook my head, "You don't know Jade very well. If I ignore her, she'll come up here and-" I pointed to both of our bare torso's. "I don't think this would be best for her to walk in on."

Cory let out a curt chuckle and grabbed his polo off the side of my bed. "That was hot."

"We're both really hot, so I guess that's what happens." I winked, pulling on my 'High Heels High Hopes' tank top.

I dropped my feet back on the floor and stood up, attempting to fix my hair a bit. I'm going to have to teach him not to run his fingers through my hair so much. That's one thing I don't like about make out sessions.

Aside from that, like I said before, that could have gone so much further and been so much more than a make out.

I hope he doesn't think I'm a tease or some shit.

I walked over to my door, not wanting to make Jade wait any longer, but first sighed and looked back at Cory who looked just as he did when he arrived. "Cory, uhm, just, not today, okay?"

He gave me a confused look for a moment, but then looked understanding. "Oh. I didn't assume that's what you were aiming for. Look, it's whenever you're ready, I'll be ready to tap that."

And that's why I love him.

/ /

So, Jade refused to tell me anything about why she was there until Cory left. Apparently, she wanted it to be a surprise for everyone.

Well good job because whatever she's about to say is gonna surprise me.

Obviously.

We watched as my boyfriend's drivers' car drove away and she exhaled, "Alright. Now that hot stuff is gone, we're going on a little adventure."

I raised my eyebrow, "Adventure? Like what?"

"Oh. Just an adventure to one of my favorite places on Earth, for your birthday." Jade smirked and twirled her keys around her finger. "Let's get going. Your appointment is in a half hour. So we'll probably be back a little after Beck and Gwen get home."

Appointment for what. Oh my god.

What if...what if Beck talked her in to like, getting my lady parts sown up so I could never have sex because he has hidden 'I know when Aly's making out with her boyfriend steamily' senses and knew that we were steamily making out.

Except for the fact that Beck's not that cool and I don't think the hospital is one of Jade's favorite places on Earth. Considering she never goes there except when my parents got into a car accident, or that time there was a car parked in Robbie's butt or Rob's doll was dying. The only plausible reason she would ever go voluntarily is so she can scare the newborn babies.

I need to stop thinking like Gwen. Only she would come to the conclusion that one would be getting their lady parts sown up. What kind of nutter hospital would even do that?

I don't ever want to find out.

Jade motioned to the front door, "Well, come on," She said, opening it and stepping onto the porch.

I sighed, grabbed my purse, and followed her out. "I don't like surprises that much, Jade."

"Neither do I. But you're gonna like this one, mostly because it's from me." She shrugged.

Jade and I got in to the car and she started to drive, taking a route I had never been before. "Can you at least give me a hint as to where we're going?"

"No."

"So you're not going to tell me until we get to this mysterious place? Promise me we're not going to any type of hospital."

Jade turned down a street and raised her pierced eyebrow at me, "What? Of course we're not going to a hospital. Now shut up and enjoy the music."

With that, she continued to blast music so loud that I couldn't even make out the words. At one point, I wasn't sure if the song even had words, but whenever I snuck peaks at Jade she was mouthing along.

What even.

It wasn't long, however, before we pulled up to an oldish looking building with a faded sign that read 'Sink the Ink'.

The car shut off and Jade unbuckled her seatbelt, "Get out."

Harsh, much. Although, I do go places with her a lot, you'd think I'd be used to it? "Uhm. Why are we," I stared at the sign again. Ink? Tattoo's? "-at a tattoo parlor?"

Is this my surprise? Watching her get another tattoo? Or maybe she's getting a tattoo of my face. That'd be weird.

And totes not Jade's style.

I got out of the car and followed her up the stairs of the parlor, "Aly, you need to stop absorbing Gwen's dolt-ness. We're not here to get me a tattoo, we're here to get you a tattoo."

Say whaaaa?


	22. needles are creepy and Ed is stupid

_"Oh, yeah. Go for it man. Jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind."_

_"Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way."_

_- Joey and Chandler, FRIENDS_

**Aly's POV **

Jade is getting me a tattoo for my sixteenth birthday. I should really be more shocked about this, but I'm not.

Okay, I am, but it's more like surprise than shock. And I have mentioned before that I'm not into surprises, haven't I?

Of course I have.

"You're insane. You're out of your goddamn mind."

"Tell me something I don't know. Now calm your tits and take a look around."

I guess there's no arguing with that.

Sink The Ink is... well, y'know those places where you're standing outside of it and you're thinking, 'wow, this place is tiny, how the hell am I gonna cram myself in here' and you imagine the inside as about the size of a standard college dorm, but when you go in, it's miraculously spacy and twenty times bigger on the inside than on the outside? That's what Sink The Ink is like.

Wow, that was a Gwen-worthy ramble of an explanation.

I think I'm just trying to distract myself from what's actually happening because holy crap Jade expects me to get a tattoo. In my flesh. By using needles. Permanently. By using needles.

Sharp, skin penetrating needles...

Another thing I have mentioned before this moment in time is my fear of needles.

Can you seriously name anyone who actually likes needles?

And Jade doesn't count.

I guess my fear of needles really escalated the first time I was rushed to the hospital after I first passed out from my eating disorder. They stuck all these needles in me to pump some kind of freakish fluids into me to keep me from dehydrating. I was knocked out for most of it, but when I woke up... Well, imagine waking up to that and tell me you would come out not being completely terrified by needles.

Not that I ever liked them before. When I was seven and had to get a tetanus shot for whatever reason, I shoved Gwen down the basement steps, and she dislocated her shoulder, which luckily distracted my parents. Momentarily.

I don't like needles.

But I think you're smart enough to have figured that out by that point.

After pretending to look at the frightening samples of potential tattoos for all but ten seconds, I looked back at Jade, who was staring at me expectantly. But not eagerly expectant, of course. "Yeah, thanks, but no. It's the thought that counts, so-"

"No," Jade started, crossing her arms. "You're not gonna be a pansy about this. If you don't walk out of here with a tattoo, then you're walking out of here with my boot in your ass instead." She raised her pierced eyebrow. "Which would you rather have?"

Well, the latter option would require some kind of special doctor to remove it. But hey, so would the former option, if I end up hating it. Which is another concern of mine.

But my main concern is needles.

Neeeeeedddlllleeeeesssss.

Even the word is creepy.

I turned away from her and brushed some hair out of my face. "Look, I know I've talked once or twice before about getting a tattoo, but I was never a hundred percent on going through with it. Needles scare the chizz out of me."

I could hear Jade scoff from behind me. She knew needles freaked me out, but she isn't exactly the most sympathetic person when it comes to fear. "Come on, you can't be that scared of needles. Your ears are pierced."

"That's different. Those just involve earlobes. Earlobes are not an essential part of the human body. My arm skin is." I was subconsciously rubbing my wrists as I said that, and Jade sure noticed.

"At least now I know where to tell them to put it. That'll make it easier to force you to get it." Jade smirked, her arms loosely crossed over her chest. "Dude, I know you hate medical needles, but this is completely different. You'll learn to love art needles."

"Art needles are still needles. And needles of all kinds are still full of pain and suffering and baby penguin abortions."

"You're just making shit up now."

"I live with Gwen. I can keep making shit up all day if I have to."

"Then we'd better get this done soon." Brandishing a gong mallet from the front counter, she slammed it against a huge gong in front of said counter.

That's okay, Jadelyn. It's not like I'm not using my ear drums or anything.

Several seconds later, a big guy with some epic sleeve tattoos emerged from behind the thick black curtains separating the front of the building from the back, where I'm guessing the dirty work is done. "West! Margo said you made an appointment with us." Mister Sleeve Tattoos leaned said sleeve tattooed arms on the counter and smirked. "You finally getting that tattoo on your ass?"

"Maybe. Just not today." Jade yanked me forward. Damn, her grip is tight. "This is Aly. She's the sister of the guy I bang."

I snatched my arm back from her and muttered, "Great way to put it," before rolling my eyes and crossing my arms.

He raised a thick eyebrow. "The goofy one or the sexy one?"

Jade gave me a once over, then looked back at what's his face. "Dude, do you have eyes?"

He nodded. "Right. The sexy one."

Thanks.

I suppose.

He held out his huge hand to me and I hesitantly shook it. "Ray. I own this dump."

"I'm being held against my will," was all I could think to say, but Ray laughed, even though that wasn't actually a joke.

"So are half of my employees." He looked back at Jade. "What's she in for?"

"It's her sixteenth birthday tomorrow, and I'm getting her some ink for her present."

I couldn't help but point out, "You could always get me some ink from that office supply store. Binders, or whatever that place is called."

Jade simply looked at Ray and shook her head. "Don't listen to a word this dumb blonde says. She wants this."

"You think this is the first client I've had that wants to chicken out?" Ray smirked as he began pulling the curtain aside. "I've been in this biz for a while, West."

Jade somehow managed to get me through the curtains, and she surprisingly didn't have to shove me through them. I actually went against my will.

... Probably because I'm warming up to this whole crazy idea.

Granted, my parents will probably freak out when they see a tattoo on me that doesn't wash off with water. And Beck will freak out more and chain me to the pipes in the basement.

He needs to do that one of these days or Gwen and I are just gonna look dumb for constantly bringing it up.

But I'm starting to think this might totally be worth anything my brother or parents would do to me.

As we walked to the back, I looked around the place. Everything was pretty much black, which is probably why Jade liked it there so much. There was the occasional stencil up for some of the tattoos I guess they've done. There was one of a guy getting eaten by a shark, and although it was insanely disturbing, it was really good.

At least these guys know what they're doing.

Ray noticed a girl with short blood red hair that obviously wasn't natural and at least seven different piercings on her ears and face and stopped to say, "Yo, Margo, Ed's free, right?"

Margo looked up from her station, which I'm guessing was where they did the piercings, since she was sanitizing some sort of piercer contraption. "Yeah, he's juss' gettin' set up."

Wow, those needles look sharp... I'm just glad Jade didn't drag me here to get my tongue pierced.

That's probably what she'll have me do for my seventeenth birthday.

Ray turned to me right before we started walking again and said, "You'll love Ed. Best tattoo artist in town."

The station we stopped in front of had a guy with a goatee and a beanie in it, and he was eating a meatball sub.

I'm pretty sure that's not sanitary.

"Ed, you've got a client, stop stuffing your face," Ray told him, slapping him on the back of the head.

The guy looked up at us and waved a marinara sauce covered hand at me. "Sup, I'm Ed," he greeted with a mouth full of chewed beef and bread.

Nice.

Aaaand talking with a mouth full of grossness caused him to splatter some of said grossness on his white v-neck. "Shit," he muttered before handing his sub to Ray, taking his shirt off and tossing it aside.

I don't think he ever planned on putting a new one on either, because he didn't.

He wiped his hands off on his jeans and looked up at me. "Mkay, ready."

I cast Jade a glance, to which she just shrugged. "He's kind of a dumbass, but he knows his way around ink." Jade lightly slapped his heavily tattooed chest, and I'm kind of surprised one of her many rings didn't snag onto his nipple ring.

"Yeah, but-"

"See this star?" Jade asked, holding out her right arm so I could see the tattoo on her forearm. "Ed did that. Without a stencil."

Wow. That's impressive for a dude who can't even figure out how to use a napkin.

Ray, who had thrown Ed's greasy sandwich away at that point, looked back at Ed. "Show the lady some of your masterpieces."

Ed just nodded and pulled a binder out from under his work station, which had a freakishly large needle on it.

Ignoring that.

He flipped the binder open and handed it to me, so what else could I do but take it.

Wow... There were actually pictures of some really detailed, amazing tattoos. There were some disturbing ones, granted, but some of them were actually... pretty.

After flipping through some of the colorful ones that didn't really float my boat, I got to a page strictly full of text tattoos. One in particular caught my eye. "I like the font on that one."

Ray looked at the one I pointed at and nodded in approval. "Ah, yeah, that's the first one my niece ever got."

After trying to decipher what was elegantly inscribed on said niece's flesh, since I think it was in Italian, I asked, "What's 'ribellione' mean?"

"Rebellion. Which is what she did when she got that tattoo behind her mom's back. Man, she was pissed at me." He shook his head before mumbling, "Thanksgiving was tense that year."

"That's a... a nice story."

"Yeah..." Ray paused before turning to look at me again. "So, is that what you want?"

I guess I don't get any more of an explanation on that Thanksgiving story. Not that I wanted one.

"... Yeah. I think so. But I don't want it to say... Whatever that was. And I don't want it to be on my shoulder." I looked down at my wrist, making my final decision for the tattoo's location. "I kind of had something else in mind. Something in another language from the magnificent land of Europe."

Ray nodded, slapping Ed on his bare back. Is he gonna be shirtless for the whole thing? "I'll leave you to it."

After he left, I pulled out my PearPhone and tapped on my translation app. I looked back at Jade and told her, "If Beck or my parents flip out over this, you are soooo taking the blame for it."

Jade just shrugged as Ed started prepping his torture device. "Gladly."

/ /

"So, was it as ridiculously horrifying as you thought it would be?"

"No. It wasn't, okay? It didn't hurt that much. There, are you happy?"

"Look at who you're talking to and ask me that again."

"... Good point." We had left Sink The Ink about ten minutes ago and were on the way back to my house. "So... Thanks for making me do that. And for paying for it and all." I hate thanking people for stuff. And Jade hates receiving thanks, so I don't know why I was doing it. I just felt like I had to, I guess. "And I'm glad I went through with it."

I swear, I saw her smile an actual smile after I said that.

But I'm not about to point that out to her because I like having all my teeth in my mouth.

"It's nothing. Just be glad you're not Gwen. For her birthday, I'm getting her a male prostitute so she can be with a real man for a day."

That's what I get for showing gratitude to Jade.

Speaking of Gwen, she and Beck are most likely home by now and when Beck sees the bandage over my wrist, he'll either think I've started cutting myself due to the depression that is my life or some emo bull like that or he'll see Jade's devious smirk, put two and two together, and kill both of us with one of the light sabers from Galaxy Wars.

Even though I'm pretty sure those don't exist. And the ones that do are just light up toys for lonely, geeky little boys and forty year old virgins.

Beck is neither of those.

But even if he does kill me with a fictional weapon, I think it will have been worth it, because at least my corpse will be buried with an insanely gorgeous tattoo on my pale, lifeless wrist.

I bet you're wondering what it says. Well, I don't think I'm going to tell you.

... Okay, I will. Just because I'm really excited about it.

Across my wrist, in the same beautiful font that was used for Ray's niece's ironic tattoo, was 'la danse est la vie'.

French makes everything sound sexier.

And for you unsophisticated slobs who don't know French or at least don't have a translator app like I do, it means 'dance is life.' Doesn't that just fit me to a tee?

Why yes. Yes, it does.

Because dance is my life. If I went one day without dancing, I'm pretty sure I would drop dead.

Actually, if I did drop dead, that would save Beck a lot of trouble.


	23. one thing Beck shouldn't say or know

God, I suck. Sorry, guys! Been really busy, so please enjoy this lovely chapter that Cici wrote :)

And sorry I didn't have time to respond, but Cici's tumblr is srzlysaywhaaaa and mine is kelsthecowriter. feel free to drop by and ask us stuff. :)

* * *

><p><em>'Tattoos and a switchblade attitude, snakebite heart with a bubblegum smile." Lost in Stereo, All Time Low.<em>

**Aly's POV**

So the aftermath of the tattoo? Hurts a little bit.

It's sort of like when you burn yourself on the stove or oven or something, and then a few hours later you hit it on something again and it starts to burn.

Jesus though, this bandage is really starting to itch. I wish I could take it off but I have to keep it on because in the words of Ed, 'open flesh is a breeding ground for bacteria and infection'.

Isn't he just lovely?

No.

This sucks because I have to keep it on for another two hours. Asdfghjkl. Speaking of when I have to take this shitter off..."Jade, we're gonna have to stop at Lucky Vitamin or something."

Jade sighed over dramatically and turned down the way that conveniently held the little store. "And why is that?"

"That creep-creepy said I'm gonna need to put stuff on this, and tattoo goo is the best. I don't know why he just didn't give me a free one. I normally get free stuff from a lot of places..." I trailed off at the end, to entranced in lightly poking my new tattoo.

Stupid Ed. Didn't even give me goo of the tattoo variety. Although he was nice enough to give me this lovely pamphlet on tattoo aftercare.

"You get free stuff for a good reason," Jade mumbled, motioning to my low cut shirt.

Eh. So maybe I use my body to get free things. Girls like free things.

I've gotten a free necklace, because it fell really nicely right above my cleavage and the guy said it'd be a crime for me not to have it, I've gotten a free shirt because the guy was too busy looking at my ta-ta's to notice he didn't exactly ring the item up.

Maybe Gwen's right. Maybe I do expose my goods too much.

LOL what am I saying.

Besides, I've used my talents to acquire Gwen a free ice cream sundae because I can wondrous things concerning boys, cherries and my mouth.

That may have sounded dirty, so I should probably give you a detailed description of what happened. And we need to pass the time.

So, Gwen and I were at the mall, and they had a little Friendly's stand where these two horndog guys were working. I don't eat ice cream as many of you may know, but you also may know that Gwen does in fact eat dairy based deserts such as these.

Enter Gwen whining about how she wants ice cream.

I ended up giving in and going up to the counter with her where she immediately picked out the freakin' most expensive thing on the menu. Thanks a lot Gwen. Seeing as how that day I had already spent most of my cash on a new pair of heels, I already knew I didn't have enough on me.

I literally had like, five bucks. Do you know how expensive it is for so called high quality ice cream?

Our total was eight dollars and six cents.

After glaring at my little sister, an idea suddenly popped into my head. I tried looking as innocent and as sad as I could, and told the guy I didn't have enough money.

The cherry wasn't actually part of my original plan, if you couldn't tell.

So the guy and his buddy started whispering back and forth, and then the one guy (I think his name tag read Louis or something) walked a few steps over, grabbed a little maraschino cherry out of the jar and said that if I could tie the cherry stem in my mouth he would give me the ice cream for free.

Before I continue, I want you all to know that being able to tie a cherry stem in your mouth is absolutely not the ultimate test to see if you're a good kisser.

That may be the juvenile way and the way Drake and Josh taught you, but it has another meaning that you can google for yourself.

Warning you though, it's gross.

ANYWAY. So, in conclusion to my story, I did it. With no problem.

My tongue is skilled.

After that, Louis and (was the other one's name Carl? we'll go with that) Carl handed Gwen her sundae and asked for the stem back.

I gave it to them.

Louis stuck it in his mouth.

I'm pretty sure I almost threw up. Even re-telling this story brings back horrible memories.

"Get out of the car, loser." Oh, Jade. How are you not the apple of everyone's eye?

I rolled my eyes and stepped out of the vehicle. Hm. My story took more time than expected.

Time for tattoo good for my burning ink.

/ /

Oh look at that now we're home. I got my after gel for my tattoo, though. So that's good.

You know what's not good? Beck and Gwen are home.

Not to mention so are my parents!

They came home early today. Not really early, but early enough. I mean... it's only like, four o'clock in the late afternoon. Normally they don't get home until around like, six.

But I think you guys may have known that.

Whatever. So, as soon as I stepped in the house I b-lined it to my room and threw on a random Hollister sweatshirt. Yeah, that was smart, wear a sweatshirt in the seventy five degree weather that is my house.

Not one of my smartest ideas, but it doesn't bother me as much seeing as how I wore a knit cardigan to my Aunt's party when it was ninety something degrees.

Strong Aly is strong.

I walked back downstairs only to see my brother and sister with crossed arms. Beck looks like a cross between intimidating and stupid when he does that, and Gwen just looks stupid.

She's not the best at the intimidating look. "Where'd you go?" Gwen asked.

None of your business. "Out with Jade."

"Where?"

"We went tampon shopping."

That was Jade. Who is now standing next to Beck with a mug of coffee in her hands.

Well alright. I'll take that excuse. "Yeah. Tampon shopping. That's it."

Gwen made a 'you two are gross I'm a prude la la la' face and shook her head, but Beck...oh Beck, he's going to try and start something. "I'm not buying it."

And here goes Jade. "Are you calling me a liar?" If looks could kill, we'd be picking out Beckett James Oliver's plot right now.

"Well, yeah. I know for a fact you're lying." He turned to Jade on the 'youre' and she scoffed. "Yeah right. How." It wasn't a question. It sounded more like, 'if you dare say how you know out loud I will smother you with a pillow.' It was a dare.

Beck ran his fingers through his hair awkwardly, "Because I know you're not on, you're uhm...you know,"

"Her period?"

Cue everyone looking at Gwen who looked just about as awkward as Beck, just standing there twisting pieces of hair with her finger.

Hm. I thought Gwen was scared of that word.

"Yeah. That." My brother coughed out, returning to look at his steaming pile of girlfriend.

Jade threw her arms up. It's a wonder she didn't get coffee everywhere. "How do you know we were shopping for me? It's always like you to assume!"

"What do you mean how do I know? And you're always the one to assume!"

Ooh. This is getting heated. You can tell by the way I'm not adding any of their actions in at the end of the dialogue.

Jade took the time to take another sip of coffee and then returned to the battle. "Maybe we were at the store getting tampons for Aly!"

"Aly's not on her period!"

Oh. My. Little. Baby. Jesus.

I never, ever, ever, want to hear my name and the subject of periods come up in a sentence that exits my brothers mouth ever, ever, again.

This is worse than the cherry story.

That's when I walked away in to the kitchen. Not only am I not interested in seeing where this fight ends up, but I definitley don't want to be anymore moritified than I already am.

How does he even know that? I mean, I'm not, but still. I don't think he should know or not know.

Ugh.

Of course my parents are in the kitchen though. Of chizzin' course.

"Princess, why are you wearing a sweatshirt? Are you feeling alright?" James raised his eyebrow at me while sipping at his coffee. It's okay for him to drink hot coffee and not okay

for me to wear a sweatshirt?

Bah. Pot calling the kettle black. "I'm fine. Just a bit cold, that's all." I smiled. He backed off but Gwen was having none of that.

My mother, sneakily ninja'd her way behind my and wrapped her arm around to my forehead, "How are you cold? Are you sure you're okay? I have medicine. You should-"

"Mother! I am fine." I pushed her hand away from my space and rolled my eyes.

She made this little 'tutting' noise that I am not a fan off and grabbed a sanitary wipe from the wipe bag that I have never seen before. I haven't seen one of those since Gwen and I were little. "Well, I still think you, Beck and Gwen need to go to the doctor, just to make sure you're all healthy inside and out." Jane cracked a wierd smile and continued to wipe

her hands.

"Why are you so worried about us being sick all of a sudden?"

Jane patted my shoulder, "This isn't all of a sudden, I'm always worried about the health of my three children. Besides, you wouldn't want to get sick right before your birthday

tomorrow would you?" My mother grinned as she walked away to stand next to my father whom was reading the paper.

I hate it when she's right.

Ugh. There's that annoying itch again. Maybe I should just wash it now...

/

Location? In the upstairs bathroom.

Why? Cleaning off my tattoo so I can look at it's glory.

I removed the bandage and placed my wrist in the sink, running lukewarm water over it. I'm supposed to wash it with liquid antibacterial generic bran soap, so I guess it's time to

break out Lane's 'end of the year' gift. Thank you, Lane.

Little pamphlet says, 'gently wash away any ointment, blood or plasma,' Plasma? That's just vile. 'completely clean the area. Do not use a washcloth or anything abrasive. Your hand is the best tool.'

Your hand is the best tool. I bet that's the motto Robbie lived by every day after school.

Oh, that was bad. But really funny.

If you don't get, shame on you for not having a dirty mind like mine.

Insert semi colon 'p' here.

That's right. I was totally not going to spell out what the letter 'p' sounds like.

'Note, if your tattoo feels slimy and slippery, you have probably been oozing plasma. Try to gently remove as much of this as possible - when the plasma dries on the skin surface, it creates scabs.'

Oh boy gee wiz, if that wasn't the most attractive sentence I've ever read, I don't know what is.

Kay kay mister tattoo, I believe you are now clean.

I grabbed my clean pink washcloth off my shelf and began patting the area dry, as per the instructions. After I made sure the beautiful font was dry, I popped open the tin of goo

and slathered it on.

Ugh, slathered. Gross word is gross.

"Allison Jane Oliver!"

Why my mother is screaming my name I have no desire to know. But I probably should go and have a look see because like Jade, she'll only get angrier and end up coming up here

to drag me out of the bathroom.

I gently pulled the sleeve of my sweatshirt down and tromped down the stairs.

Not only were my siblings and brothers girlfriend there, but they were also with my parents.

For once in her life, Jade looked extremelely apologetic. Hot damn. She couldn't have-

"What is this about you having gotten a tattoo?"

FML.


	24. not so silent silences

"_Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."— Unknown_

**Aly's POV**

Is it possible for your ears to bleed if your parents scream into them enough?

I think it is.

I bet you're wondering why I didn't start where we left off last time. Some of you are probably like, 'omg als, you can't juss' skip around liek that, tha's turrible writing' and I just have one thing to say to that.

Bleh.

Whatever, I'm doing you guys a favor. Like you would have seriously wanted to read twenty seven Pear Characters pages of my parents going on about how 'tattoos are permanent and you're just a child and yadda yadda I'm James and/or Jane Oliver and I'm a big fuddy duddy'.

Did I really just say fuddy duddy?

That's something I deserve to get yelled at for.

I bet you're also wondering 'hey, wtf did jade nark on you, maaaaan?' I'd be confused too, since we all know Jade is awesome and wouldn't take me to do something that would get me in a buttload of trouble just to tattle on me to my mommy and daddy like a Gwen.

Well, she's not so much of a tattletale anymore, since she's kept her share of secrets between me and her over the years, so I'm referring to when Gwen was but a little girl. Even littler than she is now, as in five or six. Every time I hit her or broke her toys or threatened to flush her down the toilet, she'd run off and tell Jane or James or Beck on me.

And don't get me started on the time I tried to sell her at Aunt Lea's garage sale.

Oh, right. I need to tell you how Jade narked on me.

While I was upstairs, tending to my tattoo and making sure I, ugh, slathered the goo on it, Beck was still pestering Jade about what we were really doing. He pestered and pestered (there's another word that sounds just awful) and Jade finally caved. According to Gwen, she shouted something along the lines of,

"Fine, if you wanna know where we were so goddamn bad, we went to get Aly a tat!"

Aaaaaand, that was when my parents chose to walk into the living room.

Because that's just how my pitiful life rolls.

To give you the Sparknotes version of the whole 'Allison Jane Oliver got a tattoo like an irresponsible dumbass' debacle, the parentals blew off some steam and finally let it go, since my birthday is tomorrow and there wasn't really anything they could do about it anyway. Tattoos are forever, which they should know, as they screamed it at me multiple times.

And I kind of think they were just glad it wasn't a tattoo that said 'I HATE MY PARENTS' in huge black letters on my face or something of the like.

My mother also said something about how she didn't need any added stress and that it wasn't healthy for her. What is with her obsession with the health of herself and everyone around her today?

Blah, whatevs. Let's move on to the present, shall we?

Jane and James left to go out for a dinner just for them. Apparently it was her idea. I guess she wanted to talk about how suckish of a daughter I am in private. Even though she does it to my face all the time.

At one point or another, Jade snuck through the front door and tried to leave, but Beck followed and they ended up in the RV.

And not for the reason you'd think they'd go in there for. So no sexy time for Jade. No, all she got was yelly, fighty time. She was doing much more yelling than he was, but y'know.

And what's going on with me? I'm just admiring my tattoo whilst lounging around in my room and listening to All Time Low, that's all. Even my naggy parents and uber nosy big brother can't keep me from being pumped for tomorrow night.

Oh, and Gwen's here too, but who gives a flapjack about her?

Meh, I'm kidding. Gwen's occasionally interesting.

For example, when she tells me stories about some punk rocker chick she met in a mini mart who gave her a free yoyo or something. Those aren't stories you hear every day.

"Soooo... Did it hurt?"

"The tattoo?"

"No, the imaginary tampons you and Jade never got. Yes, the tattoo!"

Sheesh. Gwenny's got an attitude lately. I like it. "Not really. I mean, it obviously hurt a little bit, since a needle was injecting ink into my skin or however you'd word that, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be." I ran a finger over my inked wrist and Gwen got up off the floor and onto my bed with me so she could get a better look at it.

"Whoever did this, they did a bang up job," she quietly said, inspecting my wrist.

Ed, wherever you are, which is probably a skeevy apartment covered in meatball sub remains, I hope you heard that.

I thought Gwen would like my tattoo. She loves art so much, I figured she'd be into art of the body.

Now she's probably going to want a tattoo too. Like, an erotic tramp stamp of Ryan Seacrest.

You know she'd do that.

Well, she's just gonna have to wait for her sixteenth birthday, which is more than a year away.

Unless Jade had something else in mind for her sweet sixteen. Like getting a bunch of buff Asian hookers to have an orgy with her or something.

I think my sister has a fetish for Asian men.

Explains why she's still with David.

El oh el, I kid. David's cool.

Well, not 'cool', like leather jacket sunglasses hitting the jukebox to make it work cool. Cool as in...

Bah, you know what I meant.

I just nodded, letting my sister grope my wrist. "Yeah, when you get a tattoo of an American Idol host tattooed above your ass crack, be sure Ed does it."

"Oh, ha ha. I'm a little more creative than that." Gwen flopped back onto my millions of pillows and proceeded to mess them all up. Curse her. "Besides, I'm not sure I'd ever even want a tattoo."

Something poking out of her pocket caught the corner of my eye, so I swiped it and after glancing at what was on the card, I asked, "Then why do you have a business card for Sink The Ink in your pocket?"

"Oh, uh..."

"Wait, how'd you even get this?" I looked up to raise an eyebrow at her. "Did Jade slip it to you while Dad was lecturing me about doing deceitful things behind his back?"

"What? No, Ursula the mini mart punk gave me that."

"Why'd she have it?" I flicked the card back at her and it landed in the loose neck of her green tank top.

As Gwen pulled it out, she told me, "Her uncle owns the place."

Ah, she must be Ray's niece with the ribellione tattoo. Small world, huh?

"Why would she give you that?"

"... I, uh... Okay, don't laugh."

"Gwenny, it's me. I'm going to laugh at you either way." I rolled my eyes, a small smile on my face.

"Good point." She sighed before looking back at me and saying, "I've kind of been considering getting a piercing. Like, a non-ear one."

"Really?" She nodded and I raised an eyebrow. "Where at?"

Maybe she wants a nipple ring, like Ed's.

... I could have gone my whole life without picturing my sister having a nipple ring.

"I was thinking of maybe getting one of those tiny diamonds for my nose," Gwen mused, looking up at my ceiling as though it was fascinating. "Or maybe my belly button."

A nose stud? I could actually see Gwen with that. It would suit her. But her belly button? Er, not so much.

Navel piercings are for more promiscuous people or those who want to piss off their parents.

People like me.

Not that I've ever considered it all that much, 'cause... you know how I feel about needles going in places that aren't earlobes.

"God, what a day." Since my pillows were already ruined thanks to Gwen, I flopped down next to her. "First we got fake IDs, and then I got a tattoo and you and Beck got me some hopefully decent stuff for my party."

"You're not getting a party." Gwen was playing with one of the longer strands of her hair and avoiding eye contact with me.

I scoffed. "You know I know. Why are you still keeping up the charade?"

"I like charades. And you and Beck will never play it with me, so..."

That earned her a face full of decorative pillow, courtesy of me.

At least she's not denying it anymore.

We could hear bits and pieces of Beck and Jade's fight, since my window was open and the walls of the RV aren't exactly soundproof. "You always do this kind of stuff" this and "Oh, you're really going there?" that. It's not like I enjoy hearing their arguments...

Even though I do.

They can be entertaining sometimes. Don't look at me like that.

Even if you were giving me condescending looks, I'm aware that I wouldn't be able to see them, but you're still not allowed to look at me like that.

Moving on.

"Sooooo, does Cory know about your tattoo yet?" Gwen asked, pulling my organic stuffed panda to her chest and pushing her itty bitty titties in its face.

"No. It's gonna be a surprise. He'll see it at the party that I'm totally not getting tomorrow." I shot her a smirk and she shot me a glare in return.

"You're no fun to throw a surprise party for."

"Good." We laid in my pile of pillows in silence, enjoying the sounds of All Time Low and Jade screaming something about how if Tori had gotten me a tattoo, Beck probably would have said, 'good idea toreh, you's so niiiice an' sexeh, lemme squeeze yo glittie titties.'

I like the word titties.

Don't judge.

"Um, hey," Gwen started, deciding to break the silence that wasn't really silent. "Have you noticed that Mom's been acting kind of weird today?"

"... Yeah. Actually, I have." I sat up. "You've noticed too?"

Gwen nodded, finally sitting back up and releasing my panda. "Mhmm. I ran into her at Jorge's and she spazzed out when she saw me and got a bunch of weird stuff." Her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "And when Beck and I got home, she was in the kitchen, crying over something. She wouldn't say what it was."

That's... That's not like Jane at all. I mean, she cries sometimes, like when children go missing and ruin her dinner parties or when Obama was elected president, but if she's crying, you usually know why, because she'll most likely be bitching about it in between sobs.

"Seriously? Oh my Lord, that woman is a wreck. And the fact that she wants all of us to go to the doctors even though there's nothing wrong with us?" I let out a snort of a laugh and muttered, "I think we've finally driven her insane."

"She always said we'd do that one of these days." Gwen giggled and rolled off my bed. I don't know why she likes to sit on my floor so much.

Oh well. More room on my bed for me.

Wait, there's still one more thing I want to discuss.

"How does Beck know when my... lady time happens? It's not like I ever announce it to him."

I can't say the p word. Not after he said it regarding me.

Gwen stopped playing with a shoelace on her bright green converse and looked up at me. That is not the look of somebody who doesn't know something.

"Oh. Uh, you're not gonna like the answer."

"I love hearing that." I rolled my eyes. "What did you two do?"

"Can't we just talk more about how weird Mom is acting?"

"What. Did. You. Do."

Gwen let out a sigh. "I ... I kind of made a calendar."

"... A calendar."

"Yeah, for me and Beck, so we can keep track of your... monthly visitor."

My lips pursed slightly. "Aaand why would you do that?"

"Um... So we can avoid wazzing you off for those five or so days." Gwen played with the hem of her tank top to avoid eye contact with me. "When you're on your period... You're kind of a gank. Like, more of a gank than usual."

Insert my shoe being thrown at her face.

When she finally gets her 'monthly visitor', as she so daintily put it, I'm gonna get a megaphone and announce it to the entire neighborhood.

/ /

It is officially nighttime, which means there are only a few hours left until I transform into a sixteen year old.

Gwen had better not wake me up the exact minute I was born, like she did last year. I was born at 3:18 in the morning, because Jane apparently didn't have enough willpower to hold me in until noon or so.

If Gwen comes blasting into my room and jumps on top of me again, I will not go easy on her, like I did when that happened last year.

And by going easy, I mean punching her in the stomach region.

Jade had left long ago, but not before apologizing for blurting out about my tattoo to my parents. I think it was the first time she's ever apologized for anything, because she looked like she had no idea what she was doing, so I accepted. It would have been cruel if I hadn't.

Beck wandered into the house soon after she left, his hair disheveled and his flannel buttoned incorrectly. I guess he and Jade... made up.

As soon as he sat down next to me on the couch, Gwen went into the kitchen, claiming she wanted to get a fat free Fat Cake.

I hate Fat Cakes even more than I did before.

Beck and I sat in silence that wasn't really silent, since Celebrities Under Water was on TV. It seemed pretty silent to me, though. And not because Khloe Kardashian started drowning.

After a moment though, Beck finally looked at me. It wasn't an angry or scolding look or like he was gonna slice me in half with a lightsaber. It was just a look. But, with a smirk, he finally said something to me.

"Only you would start off your birthday this way."

For once, we agree, brother dearest.

* * *

><p>obligatory post about our tumbrs: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter. check it out and leave us some questions about the story, the characters, or just for us, because we're sexy.<p> 


	25. another surprising gift

_"A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer." Lucius Annaeus Seneca_

**Aly's POV**

"Aly, wake up."

No, Gwen. I'm sleeping. Sh.

"Allison." Since when is Gwen a man? That must be Beck.

Normally I would get up and scream at them for being in my room and disturbing my lovely sleeping self, but I'm sleeping. So I can't do that, obviously.

...Is there a reason I'm supposed to get up today? "Aly-gator, wake up." Beck, shut your goddamn face. I'm trying to figure out why I'm supposed to get up on a nice summer morning such as this.

"ALLISON JANE GET UP ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY YOU SILLY SLEEPY HEAD."

Is it my birthday?

It is.

I shot up out from under my blankets at the sound of my little sisters screaming. Bleh.

Before speaking to either of them, I grabbed my Pear Phone and checked the time. Ten thirty o'clock in the morning and I have a missed call.

At least it's not three eighteen...

I'm still not happy about being awake.

But I should be. Because number one, being awake means I'm alive. Number two, it's my mother sluttin' birthday and nothing shall anger me today. Number three, I'm going to a club tonight. With a fake ID.

I win all the awards.

Well, technically Gwen should win half of those awards because she's the one who came up with this whole birthday gift idea.

I mean honestly, a new Alexander McQueen bag would have sufficed.

But this is cool too.

Oh who am I kidding? This so tops a McQueen bag in so many ways.

"Morning, birthday girl." Beck gave me a tight hug, earning a smile from my sleepy self.

"Yeah, happy birthday!" I swear if Gwen would have squeezed any harder she would have popped my head like a zit.

Ew, graphic thoughts on my sixteenth birthday are not welcome.

Wait...how is a zit popping graphic? Oh yeah. Cause it's disgusting. And I don't get pimples anyway. Because I'm perfect.

I'm also very conceited on my birthday.

You probably can't tell, can you?

Moving on with my morning. "How long have you two been in here?" I flipped my blankets over onto themselves and slid off my bed, tightening the drawstring on my Hollister sweatpants as my feet hit the ground.

Beck ran his fingers through his hair and smiled, "At first we didn't want to barge in. Ya'know, at the risk of being brutally beaten-" Aw, he knows me so well. "-so we tried to call your phone, but you didn't answer."

Explains the missed call.

"Sooooo," Gwen took her turn at explaining, but I'm not sure as to why she ninja'd her way to my closet and is now going through my clothes.

Why. "I came up with this crazy scenario that you got too depressed about turning sixteen and getting older and older with each day, I mean, before you know it you'll have gray hairs and won't be able to cough without peeing yourself-"

"Gwendolyn."

"Right, sorry, and I thought you might have killed yourself. So I had to come check."

My little sister is one of the strangest children I have ever been forced to live with and know for like, fifteen years.

Almost fifteen. Her birthday is in less than a month. Ugh, I need to figure out something to get her...

I could buy her season two of Glee on DVD. She'd enjoy it. Or I could get her something artsy, since you know, Gwen is an artsy chick.

Ehmagawd, I can't believe I'm thinking of something to get her for her birthday on my birthday.

Enough of that. I'll think of something when it's time to cross that bridge.

I attempted to just rub the tiredness out of my eyes and got off my bed. "How nice of you two. Now can I have my party and gifts?" I smiled a rather large birthday smile and both my brother and sister shook their heads.

Gwen threw her hands up, "You haaavvvee to play along for mom and dad." And yes, that 'have' was very drawn out.

"Seriously. Just pretend." Beck nodded in agreement.

I motioned a halo around my head and started towards the door. Destination: Kitchen. I need a drink and a few happy birthdays from mommy and daddy dearest. That is, if I my mom doesn't have a stroke from saying happy birthday to me. I mean, another year of me being in this house to annoy her is probably causing her stress.

And apparently she's too good for stress. I'm itching to know what her deal is with all this sickness shit.

Blah.

I still don't even understand why I have to play along with this whole party thing. My parents have to know that I know by now. I'm not an idiot.

That's Gwen's role in this family.

Oh God, I'm just kidding. "Morning, parental units." I stepped into the kitchen and was assaulted by not my mother nor father. But by the one person who had taken me to get the lovely tattoo that I need to remember to wash soon, Jade.

That was descriptive and border line ramble.

Border. Line. Ramble.

I'm the sexy one, not the goofy one. I need to remember that.

Thinking back to that, is that really how Jade talks about us to other people when we're not there? Referring to myself as sexy, well what else really would she describe me as, and referring to Gwen as the goofy one? That's spot on of course, but I mean honestly.

She could have said, 'Allison, the sexy one who can dance like no other, and Gwen the artsy one who has an awkward Asian boyfriend.' Because what else can you describe David as?

Apparently invisible because I haven't seen him in God knows when. Maybe he'll be at my party. Hopefully without Austin.

Jade gave me a quick hug and raised her eyebrow, "Yeah, your parents aren't exactly here."

Oh. My mom said she took off work for my birthday today. Thanks, mommy. "I didn't even get a card?" This kinda sorta makes me a little bit sad.

"Here you go."

"Thanks, Cory."

Whoa, whoa. Back it up there. Why is my boyfriend standing in my kitchen looking mega sexy as per usual and I'm standing here holding a card from my parents looking like I just got out of bed?

Because I totally did.

Not even looking at the card, and restraining myself from totally devouring this boy's face, settling for a short peck, Cory smiled and said, "Happy birthday, baby. Jade said I had to come over because, well, she didn't really give me a reason."

"I normally don't." She shrugged.

Gwen, not followed by Beck which is odd, walked in to the kitchen and didn't seem as surprised as I was. "Wait. How long exactly have you two been here?"

Gwen answered for them, thanks I guess, "Jade's been here for a while, and Coco just got here like, ten minutes ago."

"And you didn't tell me...?" I shot her a mini glare.

Gwen shrugged, "I called your phone."

Shaking it off, I had to ask, "So where are our lovely as ever parentals?" I leaned my back up against Cory's chest and let him wrap his arms around my middle.

"Dad said you took to long to get up, so he went to the office and said he'd be back in time for your...not party."

My not party.

That was a wonderful save, sister dear. "Well that's pleasant of him. And mom?"

Jade almost started laughing, but she didn't, because she's Jade and doesn't laugh in public unless it involves laughing at someone's pain, "Your psycho mother took your cake to some weird ass bakery after flipping out that they spelled your name wrong. I told her she could just use some gel icing and fix it, but she insisted that 'it would cause her to strain herself' and that's just not acceptable. Obviously she's some sort of wonk cake."

Besides the fact that my mother is probably going nuts, I feel I would have flipped out too. Those bastards messed up the cake I didn't know I was getting. "How'd they spell my name?"

"A-l-i-s-o-n."

My eye twitched. "That is sheer shittery."

Enter Beck with his oh so not hilarious joke, "Just because you're sixteen now doesn't mean you have to curse in the kitchen,"

And his oh so not appealing kissy face in the kitchen. "Beck, I use that language everywhere. Where did you come from anyway?"

Gwen giggled, "Well, when a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much-"

"You're immature."

"And you're leaving."

Say what?

/ /

Hah. Left you with a bit of a cliffhanger didn't I, dear readers?

When Gwen said I had to leave, yes, I was a bit shocked. Afterwards they explained that the reason Cory was there so early was because I needed to be gone by the time Jane got

home with my fixed cake, so they could like, get ready for my party.

This better be a pretty bangin' party if I have to leave the sanctity of my own home.

Not that Cory's house isn't nice or anything, because hey, it's a McMansion and I love it.

Did you know his driver waited outside all while we were in my house and I was getting ready? That's dedication.

And by dedication I mean that he probably gets paid loads and loads of money.

When we got to Cory's I stepped inside and immediately was assaulted by a particular smell I hate.

I wrinkled my nose at the smell that had found its way inside my nostrils. I hate the word nostrils. "Why does your house smell heavily like a strawberry patch?"

"Our housekeeper likes to spray this air freshener stuff that smells like it." Cory shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Do you not like it? I mean, I guess I'm just used to it, so it doesn't smell that heavy to me."

This smell brings back terrible memories. "When they took me to the hospital for the first time, I shared a room with this chick who had a giant rash because she ate too many of those little red demons." I fake gagged and rolled my eyes.

"Why were you in the hospital?"

Why is there a little child by the name of Michael suddenly in Cory's foyer? Not that it's wierd, because the kid lives here. "Hey, Mikey." Cory smiled at his little brother and then looked back at me.

Mikey scrunched his eyebrows together and put on a pout face I'm sure Gwen taught him in her adventures in babysitting. That's a good movie by the way. "I saaiid, why was Aly in the hospital?"

I shook my head in a 'no' way and turned back to smile at the small boy who was standing in front of us, waiting for an answer. I definitely don't want this innocent kid knowing I'm a used to be bulimic. "Uh..."

"Aly had to go to the hospital because her parents wanted to make sure she wasn't crazy, because she used to think she wasn't beautiful."

So it's okay for him not to know I had an eating disorder, but we can make him think I'm a loon. Well mkay.

Mikey did a sort of little kid chuckle and grinned, "That's silly, Aly, you're so pretty. I wish I could be your boyfriend."

Give it a few years, kid. It could happen. "Sorry, bro, but she's all mine." Ten points for Cory and Aly kissin'.

Except not ten points for Brittany walking in on us and then the air was filled not with strawberries, but with awkwardness. "Oh, hey, there you guys are. Happy birthday, Aly!"

Britt gave me a small hug and smiled. "Uh, can I talk to you?"

Will more awkwardness assume? Of course it will. "Sure."

Cory's older sister grabbed my hand and I forcefully followed her into one of the many sitting rooms that their rather large house has.

She patted the seat next to her and I quickly sat, "Did I do something or-"

"Absolutely not," Britt smiled. I could tell she wasn't lying. Oh man, this should be good. "So, uh, you're sixteen now and dating my brother. You two haven't...well, you haven't done anything have you?"

Anything? Oh! She means- why are we discussing this.

Hah. I would rather discuss it with her than Beck, that's for sure. "No, we, er, haven't gotten that far?"

I hope that was the right answer.

Britt let out a sigh of relief and took something out of her bag and handed it to me. I didn't look at what it was. "Look. This is just in case you do, alright? It's always good for every girl to have this. You can think of it as a birthday gift."

And with that, the oldest female, besides Elaine, kissed my cheek and motioned for me to get up.

Alrighty then.

Following behind her, I stared at the white disc she had given to me before putting it in my bag. At first, I didn't exactly know what it was until I popped it open.

Yeah.

Brittany Edison totally just gave me birth control for my birthday.


	26. hanky panky

_"There is no love sincerer than the love of food."-George Bernard Shaw_

**Gwen's POV**

Heeeey, it's Gweeeeen!

Imagine I said that in a squeaky Fred voice.

Allison is at the Edison castle right now, so she can make out with her Overstreet-esque boyfriend and so we can get the house ready for her party.

And by 'we', I mean the entire gang, which of course consists of me, Beck, Jade, Andre, Tori, Cat and Robbie. But not Trina because she's not invited and no one likes her.

Anyway, while the others are out getting stuff for the festivities, I'm here scrubbing the house down from head to toe. Jane called before Beck and Jade left to tell us that it absolutely needed to be done, and since everyone else had everything covered, I was the one left to do it.

Lucky me.

Meh, cleaning isn't so bad. Sure, I'd rather be making out with my boyfriend like Aly or getting more yummy party snacks like Andre and Tori or getting the decorations my parents ordered like Cat and Robbie or doing something I forgot like Beck and Jade.

... Cleaning sucks.

But you know what doesn't suck?

Finding the roller-skates I thought I lost over a year ago in the coat closet and rolling around the house in them to make my cleaning twice as fast and twenty times as fun, that's what doesn't suck.

And I might have started playing ABBA on our PearHome to make myself feel like I was at a roller disco in the seventies.

Don't be hatin'.

After I finished scrubbing the kitchen counters, I scooted over to the breakfast bar and gave that a good scrub down. Can't have fun in a dirty house.

At least that's what my mom said.

I rolled out of the kitchen and into the foyer, which was in serious need of dusting. Good thing the madre just got a new feather duster. It's so pink and fluffy. Cleaning really can be fun when you've got a fluffy pink duster and you're at a roller disco in the seventies.

Again, don't hate.

"Mamma mia, here I go again," I quietly sang along to the music blaring through the speakers in the living room as I scooted around the foyer and de-dusted everything in there. "My my, how can I resist you?"

I bet you all are like, 'omg, did all yer windows brake cuz yew suck sooo much at singing lol' and if you are, then you can go lick the floor of a gas station bathroom. For your information, my singing lessons have been going phenomenally.

Maybe phenomenally is an over exaggeration, but my teacher has stopped cringing every time I open my mouth. He even smiled the last time I sang for him. I'd say that's progress.

He cries every time Trina sings. She's making the opposite of progress.

As I got to the chorus, I started singing a little louder, so I could actually hear myself over the music. Dang, I sound heaps better than I did before I started the lessons. Why didn't Beck want to hear me sing Sitting in Traffic?

Oh right, because it's the most annoying song in the history of the world.

Ooooh, Dancing Queen came on! That's my jam!

... Do I have to remind you again not to hate?

"Oooooh, see that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the daaaancing queeeeen!"

"Damn, that singing instructor of yours is a miracle worker, Littler O."

OMIGOD THERE'S SOMEBODY IN MY HOUSE STRANGER DANGER.

Before I could see who actually entered my house, I squealed like a five year old girl and threw my feather duster at him.

Oops, it's just Andre and Tori.

Spitting out duster fluff, Andre held up a few grocery bags from Whole Foods and told me, "Y'know, when most people compliment others after getting party snacks for said other's sister, they get a thank you. All I get a feather duster thrown in my face."

Not even bothering to apologize, 'cause those two are used to crazy people by now, I threw out my arms and rolled towards them. "Andre, Tori! It's been forever since I've seen y-"

Yeeeeah, I don't actually know how to stop on a dime on these things, so I just ended up knocking Tori and myself over. Oops.

"Geez, Tori, I'm so sorry!" I awkwardly got back on my feet while Andre pulled a very disheveled Tori back onto her feet.

"It's fine," Tori said, fixing her hair and attempting to smile at me. "That was... fun."

Now Gwenny gets her hugs. Yaaay.

Aly's gonna be wazzed if she finds out I practically tackled Tori Vega to the ground and she wasn't there to laugh at our expense. So let's keep that between you and me, 'kay?

"So... The roller-skates... and the ABBA," Andre started, trying to figure out what in the name of Nancy I was doing.

I pulled the PearHome remote out of my pocket and turned it off. "I was making cleaning fun."

That seemed like enough of an explanation for them.

"Well, the place looks spotless," Tori said with a smile as she took some bags from Andre and helped him carry them into the kitchen. Tori's so nice. I don't know why Aly doesn't like her.

Oh yeah. Aly doesn't like anything that's nice or good or innocent. That doesn't explain why she kinda likes me, though.

Except I'm not always innocent, considering the fact that I'm now friends with a social deviant with pink and black hair and an Italian tattoo.

OMIGOD I HEAR THE DOOR OPENING AGAIN MORE STRANGER DAN- Oh it's just Robbie and Cat. Yay.

"It's Cabbie!" I spun around and smiled. "Hey!"

Before I could skate over to them, a hand tugged on the back of my shirt and restricted me. "Gwen, take those skates off before you kill someone."

"Whoa, Andre, you almost sounded like Beck for a second there." I giggled as I wiggled out of one of my skates, falling on my butt as I did so. Maybe he was onto something.

Robbie, who was thankfully Rex-free, waddled by with arms full of heavy looking bags while Cat sat down next to me and helped me untie the shoelace on my other skate so I could properly take it off. "So... Aly told me you guys are going to see the Alexander McQueen memorial after her party," she whispered, looking up from the tangled laces at me.

At first I gave her a wtf face, but then I remembered that's the cover Aly used, so I nodded. "Ah, yes, the memorial. It should be a humbling experience."

"I wish I could come, but my parents said I need to be home by eleven so I can help slip my brother's special medicine into his mouth while he's asleep. I can pick you up whenever you need me, though." Cat looked to make sure the others weren't around to hear, then leaned closer to me and whispered, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

"Uh, thanks, Cat." She gave me a hug, which just gave me an icky feeling in my belly. I felt kind of bad for lying to sweet cuddly Cat, but we had to get there somehow. Besides, she should know there's not a memorial to Alexander McQueen in Los Angeles on the same street as a night club that Aly and I are gonna skank up for.

Maybe more cleaning will take my mind off of that.

/ /

Well, Beck and Jade finally came home. I still have no idea where they went, but I don't think I wanna know, because it probably involved hanky panky.

Jade would slap me if she knew I referred to sex as 'hanky panky', but she doesn't have to know, and I wanna keep it that way.

David had soccer practice, so he wouldn't be there until a little before the party starts. I don't know why the dumb old team needs to practice in the summer. I haven't seen my boyfriend in like YEARS because of his stupid soccer practices. Why do the screwy teams at HA still practice in the summer?

Whatever. I'll see him tonight, I suppose.

So moving on.

"Robbie, where the hell are the balloons? I just found this pair of scissors in the kitchen and I wanna test them out."

Wow, I can hear Jade perfectly, even up here in my room. It either has something to do with the vents or she's just yelling.

"Uh... What balloons?"

Nope, Jade was just yelling. I could barely hear Robbie.

... Wait, what does he mean 'what balloons'?"

Aaaaand that's pretty much what Beck said to him verbatim.

Yeah, I know big words like 'verbatim'.

"You forgot the balloons?" Tori asked. "But Beck said his parents ordered, like, a ton of them. How could you forget them?"

"Are you the biggest waste of Jewish nerd on the face of the earth or what?" That was Jade.

"I'm just a person!" Robbie cried, sounding like he was going to sob.

He should sob. A party's not a party without balloons.

Well, Aly would probably prefer a party without balloons. She hates balloons 'cause they make your hair all static-ish, but my parents planned this party, so she's getting some damn balloons.

Oh, you probably want to know why I'm upstairs when everybody else is downstairs. Mommy dear insisted that the upper level of the house be cleaned too, at least the hallway and the bathroom, so that's what I just finished doing. And since I stunk from rolling around and cleaning like a boss, I took a shower and got myself ready for the Allison Jane Oliver Sweet Sixteen Extravaganza.

I was wearing a strapless navy blue and white striped dress from American Eagle, along withwhite and blue striped wedges and a silver necklace with navy stars on it.

I like navy.

After looking at myself in my full length mirror, I nodded at myself in approval. I looked good, but I wouldn't look better than Aly.

Last night she showed me her dress that she's wearing. It's really pretty and she'd definitely be the center of attention, but still, Aly told me that if I looked better than her on her birthday, she'd burn everything I own with a flamethrower.

Aly gets very threatening on her birthday.

I heard Jade shout something about practicing balloon stabbing on Robbie's face along with two sets of feet quickly sprinting out of the house, one with high tops and one with high heels.

I really hope the one with high heels belonged to Cat.

I don't think Jade really cared about balloons. She just wanted something to stab.

I walked over to my window and as soon as Cat's car pulled out of the driveway, my mom's pulled into it. I guess she got the Alison With Only One L Cake Fiasco fixed. Might as well go down and greet her.

I stromped down the steps, only to be greeted by my mother carrying the cake into the kitchen, all while ranting, "I am never going back to that bakery again! It is full of incompetent hippies!"

"Nice to see you too, Mrs. Oliver," Tori quietly said as Beck and Andre helped take the box from Mom.

As if she just noticed Tori and Andre's presence for the first time, she smiled at them as the boys managed to get the cake on an empty shelf in the fridge. "Oh, hello there. It's so nice to see you kids!"

Woooo, mood whiplash. I guess she didn't want to gripe in front of the company.

My mother somehow managed to convince Tori to help her with something in the living room, and Beck enlisted Andre's help in finding where the heck Jade stormed off to, so I was left alone again.

All by myself. Don't wanna be all by myself.

Oh wait, James is home now. Never mind.

He walked into the kitchen, right past me as if he didn't even realize I was there, and dropped some bag of his onto the breakfast bar. Hey, that's where the snacks go.

But wait, something's off with my dad. He looks... I dunno, weird.

"Um, Daddy?" I still feel weird calling him that nowadays, after all that's happened. But I honestly think he and Mom are trying, so I guess I should really give them both a shot again. "Are you okay? You look kind of like you're dead inside."

He looked up from his Skybucks cup, which is weird 'cause he usually doesn't get a coffee before coming home when we've got perfectly good coffee here, and gave me a weak smile. "Of course I'm fine, pumpkin. Just a little tired, that's all. Your mother and I didn't get much sleep after our dinner last night."

He probably meant that in an old people have insomnia way, but since I've been living with Aly and Beck and their perverted minds for almost fifteen years, I took that in a different light. A disgusting one.

Ugh, I can't even imagine my parents engaging in, as Dr. Sheldon Cooper would call it, 'coitus'.

That's fancy people talk for hanky panky.

...

.

Let's move along, shall we?

"What's in the bag?"

My dad pulled a crock pot out of the bag along with one of those tiny loaves of pumpernickel you put spread on. "Your Uncle Barbra made this spread for the party, so I picked it up on the way home."

"Can I try some?" I gave him my big blue eyes look, and even he couldn't resist.

"Sure, she made plenty. Set the bread out first though, will you?" I nodded before digging around in the pantry to find a small platter. After placing the pumpernickel on it, I got a spreader out of our drawer for fancy utensils and got a good amount of whatever that stuff was on my bread slice.

It looked like beef, sausage, cheese, and maybe something else. Cheese means Aly can't eat it so if it's good, that means more for me. Moment of truth...

Mamma mia, that's some good whatever this is. The other thing is Worcestershire sauce. I normally don't like that but with this? I like it very very veeeeery much.

"Hot dizzle, this is good!" I looked back at Dad, who was back to staring down at his to-go cup. "Did Uncle Barbra say what this stuff was called?"

He looked up, thought for a moment, then finally remembered what it was called. "Hanky panky."

... I wish Aly's party would have started by now, because I'm not hungry anymore.

* * *

><p>tumblrs: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter. hit us up, y'all.<p> 


	27. the one where Trina hid in the trunk

_"Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year"- Menachem Mendel Schneerson_

**Aly's POV**

I'm mentally preparing myself for everything that's going to happen within the next ten hours.

I'm anxious to see what they've prepared for my birthday party, no, my super sweet sixteen party. As long as there is no clown or pin the tail on the donkey, I think I'll be okay.

Oh, and no Trina Vega. One Vega is all I can really handle, heck I can barely handle that, but since Beck and Gwen invited Little Miss Make it Shine to my party, it can't be helped.

That was a long sentence, but I think I used proper punctuation.

I already had my outfit on, so I didn't have to change or anything.

You guys wanna know what I'm wearing? Because you totally do, I know it.

I'm wearing a white tank dress that has a black band detailing around the waist, and a lace detailed bottom. I know it's not that exciting of a sweet sixteen dress, but I'm not even supposed to know about this party, so I went for a dressier casual outfit.

That made a lot of sense in my head.

Anyway, what I really love is my shoes. I have on these bright pink, peep toe Carvela Kurt Geiger pumps. Unf, they are the sex.

Other than that I just have on my 'false lash' MAC mascara, viva glam gaga lipglass in light blue pink (which oh my gosh, I never realized, but this reminds me exactly of babysparks by MAC...) and I always, always wear my Purr by Katy Perry perfume.

If you can imagine a hot, blonde, sixteen year old Indian Canadian wearing all that, then you're very lucky, my friend.

As long as I look better than Gwen, it's all good.

I told her if she looked better than me on my birthday I'd burn everything she loves with a flamethrower. I always keep my word.

Oh, and the only piece of clothing I didn't mention was the white cardigan I'm wearing because the McMansion is really chilly.

Oh my gosh. That's why my ever so observant boyfriend didn't mention anything about my tattoo. I'm pretty sure I was wearing long sleeves this morning when he saw me, and then my cardigan has been covering my ink ever since.

It's too lovely to go unnoticed another minute. "Cooorrrryyyy." I sang and was pleased that he turned around, smiling. He's got such a Nathan-esque smile.

Oh yeah. I remember bleach teeth.

"Alllllyyyy." Cory mimicked. Normally, I hate mimickery and if this was Gwen, I would retort something along the lines of 'act your age not your shoe size', but this is my boyfriend. And it's cute.

I gently put my my arm, the one that doesn't have any fancy writing, around his shoulder and kissed his cheek. "Do you like tattoos?"

Cory thought for a minute, and nodded. "They're pretty cool. Why?"

Oh good. He likes them. This makes the general point less shocking.

"So what would you say if I sort of got one yesterday?" Gingerly, I lifted up my sleeve and exposed my beautiful French worded tattoo. Please like it. Please like it and get it and oh gosh what if he hates it.

LOL too bad. This is the bossest tattoo ever how could he not- "La danse est la vie. Dance is life. Describes you to a tee, eh?"

That's what I said! Wait a minute. "You speak French?"

"It's one of the few perks of having a family who tries every so often to go international." He shrugged.

Few perks? Few. Okay. They must be the language learning, the giant house, the immense amounts of cash...

I can't think of anymore. When you have immense amounts of cash, really everything is awesome.

Speaking of awesome things, if we don't leave soon, we're going to be late for my party.

I mean. My not party.

Meh. We've still got time.

Something in the corner of Cory's room caught my eye, so I had to ask, because I can be observant too. "Is that a trophy?" I pointed to the gold, mounted man holding something in his hands, on a shelf at the back of the room.

Running his fingers through his hair, he's just trying to remind me of Beck isn't he, "Oh. That. I used to play basketball, and that's my first trophy from when we lived in Indiana." He explained.

One day, I'm going to count all the times he moved.

And if you're wondering, well even if you aren't, yes, sometimes I do worry about Cory's family having to move away from me. But when we met he said that they moved the headquarters here or something, so I'm confident he's staying here. With me. Forever.

Aside from my worries. He played basketball? "That's so cute." And that was meant to stay in my head. Basketball is manly, not cute.

Except I just got a kiss. So I guess it's cool.

"Yeah, the rest are in the trophy room."

Of course he has a trophy room.

Was I supposed to imagine his house without a trophy room? "Your parents are nut blocks." I kissed him, returning the favor for the kiss he gave me before.

"Well," Cory sighed. "When you have five kids, one who plays basketball and dances, one who did wrestling, one who rode horses, one two who play tennis, you're gonna need a trophy room."

"That was a Gwen worthy sentence babe,"

I never want to see that trophy room. It would make my dance trophies, Beck's acting trophies and Gwen's art trophy look miniscule.

/ /

So, while I was not inner dialoguing my life, Mandy and Mikey put on a puppet show of mine and Cory's future together.

By puppet show, I mean they used socks they found around the house and stuck googly eyes on them.

Number one, they're nanny or housekeeper or mother or whatever is not going to be happy about that. Number two?

These kids remind me more and more of Gwen every minute I spend with them.

So yeah, I was a festive green and red Christmas sock, fitting because I love Christmas. Cory was a blue and gray argyle sock. He had a tassel.

I'm not sure if that was some sort of symbolism for something because he's a guy, but these are kids so I'm betting not.

We're apparently going to live in a very nice Louis Vuitton shoe box, which is fine by me.

The only thing that worried me was when Mandy got a bunch of her old baby socks and said that we're having six kids, three boys and three girls.

They were rainbow colored.

In conclusion, I'm having six gay children.

I'm excited about the gay part, except I'm not having kids at all. Because I hate these little snot nose booger eaters.

Cory if you ever, ever read this, when I say snot nose booger eaters, I'm totally not talking about your baby sibs. It's all the other snot nose booger eaters in the world.

Why six though...

We still would be watching their very creative show, but it's time to go (rhyme score) to my not party.

Cory just had to grab the gift he won't tell me about from the formal dining room, then we'd beez outta dere.

Speaking of that, I wonder what everyone got me. I mean, I already know what Tori got me. At least now I can download some new tunes, since I have no PearTunes money 'cause I'm cheap like that.

"Aly! Wait! I have a present for you!" That'd be Mandy. And please don't let it be a picture of my brother and her in a macaroni frame, or a sock puppet baby. "Here!"

And what that little girl handed me, was not some homemade gift, it was a tiara. I admit, for a moment I was confused, but I guess since I'm sixteen and all that noise, it's appropriate. "Aw, thank you, Mandy," I crouched down and gave her a tight squeeze.

The biggest shipper of Mandeck in the world beamed at me, "It's one of my trophy pageant tiara's!"

Ha. I wonder if this came from the trophy room. "Alright, babe. Let's go." Sneaky Cory sneaking. Before opening the door, he stared at the tiara now places on my head, "Nice crown, princess."

Hey. It's better than what I bet Beck got me.

I bet he bought me a chastity belt.

...Nah. That's a little too far, even for him.

Except this is my brother we're talking about.

/ /

The car ride was nice, I suppose. One third of it was spent asking Cory what he got me, one third of it was spent making out and the other third was spent fixing my lip gloss and hair before we entered my house.

Oh god. We're stepping up my porch.

Please don't let there be a clown. Please let there be a male stripper.

I took one look at Cory before opening the front door, okay maybe there shouldn't be a male stripper. "I love you."

"I love you too, forever and always." This boy is a perfect Taylor Swift song.

I opened the door and- "Happy birthday, Aly!"

This is like, a movie or something. Without people jumping out from behind my couch. Oh wait. I guess Robbie didn't get the memo about how they weren't jumping out like creepers, because he fell and just hit his nose on the hardwood floor.

Hey, there's my dad telling him not to get blood on the floor, apparently we just got it cleaned.

I smiled brightly, even though no one could see it because my little sister just totes glomped my body. That sounds dirty. "Thanks, everyone. Gwen, I love you, but get off me." I pushed her off and she was just smiling like a goober.

She's thinking about going out clubbing tonight.

I wasn't, but I am now. I cannot wait to see All Time Low.

Those thoughts aside, I scanned the room to see who was here. Tori, Jade, Beck, Gwen, Jane, James, Robbie, Cat, Andre, David, Trina- Oh my god. "Who let her into my house?"

Tori hung her head in shame, "I'm so sorry. She hid in Andre's trunk, but it was your mom who let her in."

Of course it was. Because my mom wants me to die, obviously. "It's fine. As long as she doesn't, you know, speak to me. Thanks for coming, you guys." And I just hugged Tori Vega.

I'll try not to throw up.

"Hey, Aly! You totally forgot to invite me to your party! But look! I'm here anyway!"

Like I said, I'll try not to throw up.

"Look, Als, your favorite part, gifts." Gwen smirked and gestured to a large table with boxes and bags with tissue paper and cards.

It is my favorite part. Mostly because I'm greedy.

Beck spun me around to face him and lifted me up in a hug. "Speaking of presents, since I'm the big brother, I get to go first." After putting me down, my brother lifted a medium sized box out of his pocket and handed it to me.

Shouldn't he be handing medium sized boxes like this to Jade? Aly, just open the box before you punch Gwen for smiling like clown.

I untied the ribbon from the box and lifted the lid. Inside was a Tiffany's sterling silver key chain with a big silver heart pendant on it. But...attached to it were two keys.

Before I could ask what the keys are for, Gwen giggled out, "Open the heart locket!"

I did as she said and inside the locket was a picture of Gwen, Beck and I. Awe. That's so cute.

Without a word, I hugged the pair of them and almost started crying. I am so cheesy.

"That's not all, Als." Beck lifted the key chain out of my hands and jingled the two keys in front of my face, "I made a second set of keys for my car and next week, I'm gonna teach

you how to drive." The love grows.

Soon I will be on the road, everyone better watch out.

LOL jaykay, I'll be a good driver. I hope. "I love you two sooo much. Thank you." The hugging also continues.

I would open everyone elses gifts, but I'll probably document meant them all tomorrow or something. There's one gift I must know. "Cory."

"Close your eyes."

I don't like being ordered around. But if it gets me my present. I'm cool with it. "They're closed."

I felt a cold something being put around my neck, and then being secured in the back. "Happy birthday, Allison."

The second I opened my eyes, Gwendoloser already had a mirror shoved up in my face. She needs to lay off the soda, she's way hyper.

In the mirror held my reflection, complete with a diamond studded charm suspended from a delicate chain.

Who wants to guess what the charm is?

It's an 'A'.

I have a tattoo, a charm necklace from my boyfriend and a key chain charm that literally describes my entire life.

This is the best birthday party by far.


	28. slut powers, activate

your favorite writer, and kels too, have tumblrs: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter so leave us some asks and follow us because we're both amazing and maybe if you're good children I'll upload some of the drawings of Aly, Gwen and co. I've done over the past few days. okay, back to this piece of poop I wrote.

* * *

><p><em>"You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies... SLUT UP!" -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother<em>

**Aly's POV**

Okay, I know I've been saying for a while that this party was probably going to be lame, since my parents planned it for the most part, but it's actually been really fun.

Just don't tell James or Jane I said that.

There was no pin the tail on the donkey or clown, which I'm so very thankful for. But there was also no male stripper. I guess Cory will have to do.

Except he's better than a male stripper, because I don't have to stick money between his ass cheeks to get him to do sexy things with me.

I keep touching the necklace he got me. It even feels gorgeous. Jewelry always looks gorgeous, because it's me wearing it of course, but my fingers have never tingled when I touched any other piece of jewelry.

Speaking of Cory, I bet you're wondering where he is. Well, he's hanging out with David right now, since they're best bros and chizz and they haven't seen each other in a while either. David's been busy with soccer and Cory's been busy being a sexy millionaire. I've had enough time with Cory today.

And Gwen's too busy giggling like a madman to make out with her boy toy, so I guess she had time to do that before I came back home.

How do I know Gwen's giggling like a madman? Because she just strolled up to me, giggling between bites of the sexy piña colada cake they got me.

I hate the word giggle.

"If we wanna get there before it gets too crowded, we should probably leave now." Gwen bounced on the heels of her wedge clad heels, accidentally dumping her half eaten slice of cake on the hardwood floor of the dining room as she did so.

"Nice." I rolled my eyes, but smiled as I got up from the dining room table, which was flooded with various types of junk food that I didn't really like, and the cake, which I surprisingly did like. "Did Remy drop off our IDs?"

"Just now." With a sneaky smile, Gwen yanked something out of her dress pocket and handed it to me.

Wow. I'm holding in my hands a fake ID. I look terrible in my picture.

It really does look authentic.

Before anyone could walk up and see something that would get me murdered by my parents, I slipped my ID into my left bra cup. Don't judge, the dress I'm wearing doesn't have any pockets. Sometimes Victoria's Secret Compartment comes in handy.

And it's a good thing I did hide it, because the maternal parental just walked into the room. "Allison," my mother started, holding her arms out. "Give your mommy a hug, will you?"

Uh, no.

But what the hell. This party didn't bite. I guess it's the least I can do.

After hugging me a little too tight, Jane let me go with a content sigh. "You kids are growing up so fast… Speaking of which, Daddy and I kind of need to tell you three something."

"Can't it wait until tomorrow or something?" I looked around my mother to see Cat standing outside the dining room, waiting patiently for us and playing with one of the balloons that had been floating around. "We were gonna go with Cat to, uh-"

"I'd really like to tell you all now," Jane said, frowning. "Just let me find Beckett and your father." She turned on her heel and started walking toward the entrance of the dining room.

"Uuuuugh." I shot Gwen a glance, and she looked about as pleased as me. "All Time Low will be backstage tongue-banging groupies by the time she's done blithering about whatever stupid thing she wants to talk about. We have to get out of this. Quick, eat some of tinsely stuff that was on Cat's present."

"I've got an idea that won't put me in the hospital," Gwen said, trying not to look offended by the fact that I would rather poison her than listen to Jane blither on about shit. She looked down at the splattered cake from before, then out the opening of the dining room at a certain Jewfro. "Hey, Rob, come over here!" Gwen waved Robbie over and smiled a smile he probably rarely sees. Because it wasn't a smile that was caused by sneering about his urban puppet or that train wreck he calls a face.

Joking. Mostly.

Robbie started walking over. "What's up, Gw-AAAHHH!"

For those of you at home thinking that Gw-AAAHHH is some kind of freakish nickname Robbie has for Gwen, you'd be wrong. He just didn't get to finish saying her name, as he was too busy slipping on the pineapple coconut cake Gwen dropped, that's all.

And because she apparently has Hostess Senses or just hear his cries of pain or something, Jane speed walked back into the dining room. "Robert, are you okay, dear?"

I didn't have time to hear his response, because Gwen dragged me out of the room. Aggressive much, sis.

I guess I can't blame her for being excited. I'm probably even more excited than she is, if that's possible. I'm just better at hiding it.

"We're ready, Cat." Gwen tromped up to the redhead, who was drawing a smiley face on a purple balloon with a Sharpie.

Cat looked up from her creation and smiled at us. "Coolie! I'll get my keys." She held out the string of her balloon to me. "Hold Logan for me. 'Kay, thanks!" And with that, she skipped into the foyer to get her purse.

Logan, huh? Weird name for a balloon.

... Why the hell do I care?

Cat was back in literally ten seconds. I don't know why she couldn't hold her silly smiley faced balloon herself. Hmph. "Kay kay, I'll give Robbie a quick kiss goodbye and then we can go."

"Uh, I think Robbie is... busy," I told her, handing 'Logan' back. "Yeah, busy."

"Oh. Okay, I guess I'll see him later." Cat gave us a cheeky grin and started heading toward the door. "Let's go!"

Cat was already out the door when Gwen and I grabbed our bags, which had all our supplies for the night. More details on that later.

As I hoisted my tote onto my shoulder, I heard a high pitched squeak, followed by a "Trina, you didn't have to step on him!" from the girl with the glittering bosoms.

And that was followed by a Trina-like huff and a "Well, if he doesn't want to be stepped on, he shouldn't be lying on the floor like that."

I hope Andre makes her ride back home in the trunk too.

Once we were out the door, we saw that Jade was leaning against Beck's RV, with Beck pressed on her body, all up in her grill. Yeeeah, that's what I wanna see.

I was planning on just sneaking past them, but Cat and I don't exactly have the same mindset. "Hi, guys!" she chirped in her usual happy voice. Jade pushed my brother off of her so she could properly glare at Cat for ruining the moment. She either didn't notice the intensity of said glare or she was just used to Jade's icy glares. "We're going on an adventure!"

"Oh really?" Beck raised both eyebrows, but didn't look at all suspicious. Huh. "What kind of adventure?"

"A super special sweet sixteen adventure, that's what kind!" Cat giggled, doing a small twirl before skipping over to her car with a quick 'bye!' and a jingle of her keys. Sheesh, she's more excited than Gwen and I combined, and all she's doing is driving us there.

Then again, I think she had a lot of caffeine-filled Mountain Fizz.

As Gwen practically launched herself into the backseat of Cat's car, I looked back at Beck. "Really? You're not gonna give me the third degree about where we're going or frisk me for drugs or weaponry?"

Beck rolled his eyes. "Als, come on, I'm not that bad."

All he got in response was a raised eyebrow from yours truly.

"… Am I really that bad?"

"Possibly."

Jade let out a short laugh, so short I barely caught it, and pushed past Beck. "Exchanging body fluids makes me thirsty, so I'm gonna get something to drink. Allison, even though I hate birthdays, I hope yours didn't suck." She gave me a hug, which was probably her second gift to me, and walked to the house before I could respond.

Beck looked back at me and told me, "It's your birthday, sis. As long as you don't shove Gwen into the monkey cage at the zoo, go out and have a good time."

"And how am I gonna do that if Gwen doesn't get bitten by monkeys?" I smirked before turning around and walking toward Cat's car.

Before I even took two steps, I heard a Beck-like voice call out, "What, are you too old to give your big brother a hug goodbye?"

"Duh." Nevertheless, I spun around and ran back to give him a hug. Hell, he deserved it, considering he's letting me get behind the wheel of his baby next week.

Forehead kiss for the birthday girl. "Try not to get arrested."

"Not making any promises." I winked at him before running back to Cat's car and hopping into the front seat.

The worst part is that getting arrested is actually a possibility.

/ /

"Are these shorts too short?"

I looked over at my sister, who was posing in front of the mirror in the filthy Texaco gas station bathroom that we had no choice but to use. We had Cat drop us off there because it's really close to Avalon Hollywood and we couldn't tell Cat to drop us off at the McQueen memorial 'cause, y'know, there is no memorial. Gwen told her we needed to get some Red Bulls because we'll need wings before the night is over to get through the exhibit. Being Cat and all, she bought it.

I can't tell if that's a dirty rag in the corner or a dead rat.

I hate gas stations.

"Yes. If you bend over, I'd probably be able to see the birthmark on your ass."

I wonder if she still has that… Though I sure don't wanna find out first hand.

Gwen nodded contently. "Perfect."

Wait, Gwen wants to look like a skank? Gwendolyn Oliver, the prudiest prude on Prudence Island, Rhode Island?

That's an actual place, bee tee dub.

"I thought you hated showing off skin." I applied another coat of Maybelline Colossal Volume mascara before looking back at my sister. "I'm surprised you didn't wear a turtleneck."

Gwen's lips puckered into a pout. "One, turtlenecks are for weenies. Two, I have matured since then. Immodesty never killed anyone."

She's matured? So showing off her headlights in her low cut coral knot strap tank top and her not as toned as mine but not half bad legs in her barely there shorts means she's more adult?

Sounds good to me.

Now that I've described Gwen's outfit, I have to describe mine. My sexy body is adorned with a pink leopard print tank top with a studded black heart in the middle that shows off the bottom of my belly, along with velvet bow peep toe boots. And I'm wearing barely there shorts too, but mine are white while Gwen's were just regular old blue denim. Boring.

Jaykay. But I'll compliment her so I don't have to do it internally. "Looking good, Gwenny. You actually don't look ten years old for once."

After applying some light pink Paul and Joe lipstick, Gwen smacked her lips and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "Why? Because I'm dressed like a hooker and have on ten pounds of makeup and body glitter?"

"Probably."

"Hmph. Well, for what it's worth, you look great too." Gwen smiled, handing me her roll on body glitter. Ah, what the chizz. Maybe Alex Gaskarth will notice my glittered up chest area and call me on stage so he can sing to me and ask me to marry him.

That's what's gonna happen. You'll see.

I crammed my makeup kit into my bag with my old clothes and threw it over my shoulder. "You ready?"

"Whenever you are, birthday chica."

Spanish bonus. Nice.

Or whatever language chica is supposed to be in.

/ /

"Okay, there's the window to the women's bathroom." Gwen pointed up at the tiny window above the grungy dumpster that was probably filled with broken glass and stale happy hour appetizers. "When you get inside, wait for me to come out."

"You know, instead of shimmying through that window, you could always just take a chance with that fake ID."

Gwen looked at me as if I was an idiot. Is this how she feels when I do that to her? "Aly. The bouncer would have to be blind to think I'm anywhere close to twenty one."

"… True, true." I clapped her on the back and put our bags behind the dumpster. "I'll see you when I get to the restrooms."

Before I could leave, Gwen grabbed my wrist. "Wait. We're leaving our bags out here?"

I gave her a skeptical look. "Yeah. We've got our clutches, which has our money and IDs and stuff in it. You seriously want to lug around the rest of our junk for the night?"

"Well, no, but… What if a hobo comes along and takes our dresses and wears them or sells them for crack money or something?"

Blink. "Why would a hobo be in an alley outside a night club in Hollywood?"

Gwen just shrugged. "Hobos probably like All Time Low too."

Aaaaand that's when I started backing out of the alley.

While Gwen slipped her metallic heels off, gripping them in her left hand and started climbing on top of the dumpster, I emerged from the alley, where I wound up at the back of the line for the club entrance.

Fingers crossed that Remy knows what he's doing when it comes to ID forgery.

And that I either look twenty one or over or hot enough that the bouncer will let it slide.


	29. and Gwen will have a pink squirrel

_tumblrs: srzlysaywhaaaa and kelsthecowriter. hit us up._

* * *

><p><em>"Blondes have more fun." - Rachel Hunter.<em>

**Gwen's POV**

Okay. So far, so good.

By that I mean, so far, no so good. This bathroom window is father up than I thought it was. Either it's really far up, or I'm just really short.

But what are the chances that it's the latter?

...I know I'm short, okay, I just like to pretend I'm not as short as Aly says I am sometimes. It makes me feel more confident.

What if I can't reach the window? I'll have to try and use my ID which might get us caught and thrown in jail.

Then Jade will have to come bail us out.

Why Jade, you ask?

If you have to ask then you're a little slow. Jade wouldn't kill us like Beck would. Jade wouldn't chain us to pipes in the basement. Jade wouldn't lock us in the tallest room of the tallest tower in Fairy Tale land.

I reached my arms up far as they could go, but still no luck. Wah.

Sigh. I might as well try jumping. It couldn't hurt.

Okay so my feet slamming back down on the metal dumpster hurt a little bit.

Maybe if I jump and grab on to the ledge, I can push my feet onto the wall and heave myself into the bathroom. I really hope no ones in there washing their hands or peeing and they think a rapist is breaking in to the bathroom through the window.

I'm no rapist.

Anyway, I'mma try that out.

Aaaannnd now I'm hanging off a ledge. "Come on, feet. Start working," I mumbled.

With both feet on the wall, I slowly but surely climbed all the way up and landed, hard, on the bathroom floor of the Avalon Hollywood Club.

I am amazing.

I slipped my heels back on and adjusted my shorts, all in time to see two MEN standing at the sinks staring at me.

Are you kidding me.

This isn't the women's bathroom?

This is the men's room, Gwendolyn. Way to go, Aly. Way. To. Go.

"Woah, dude. I think that razzle dazzle we took earlier is starting to work," The one dirty blonde guy who looked to be about in his mid-twenties nudged the other with his elbow.

The other guy, who had jet black hair that covered his eyes nodded, "Totally. Do you see that dwarf?"

My eye twitched. Dwarf? Excuse me? Even with heels on? "Uhm..."

"Dwarf?" Phewf. I'm not that short, guys. "I thought it was a midget."

I'm out of here.

Avoiding looking at the urinals in fear that someone might be using them (I really don't need to see that tonight) I opened the door of the bathroom and stared out into the vast amounts of people that were dancing, drinking and making out.

This place is so cool!

There are flashing strobe lights and DJ's and a big stage where presumably All Time Low will be playing shortly.

But where, oh where, is my sister? She should be waiting outside this door for me, no? Unless she was completely sure I would come out through the girls bathroom door, then she would be right over- "Aly, I'm over here!"

There.

She looked almost as bewildered as I did when I landed in the mens room. Aly stared at the particular bathroom sign and furrowed her brows together. "Why..but...I was sure-"

"Let's not talk about it. Did you get in alright? Like, did the bouncer give you any grief?" I asked, shaking the image of that terrible bathroom out of my mind.

Aly nodded, "These two chicks were commenting about how I didn't look old enough to get in, and I guess the bouncer overheard and was skeptical about it. But I got it."

"How did you change his mind?"

My sister looked down at her low cut tank top, "It took some sweet talk and a round of Hello Titty, but I'm here now and that's all that matters."

I don't exactly know what 'Hello Titty' is, but I'm going under the assumption that it's a dirty 'let me show you my goodies game' and Aly will probably never play it again as long as Cory's around.

Hehe, titty. "So what should we do first?" Aly and I started wandering around the club, taking in all the pretty colored flashing lights and peoples odd dance moves.

"I heard someone say that All Time Low isn't performing for another twenty minutes, and I passed the bar on my way to find you so-"

"Let's go find that bar."

Aly gave me an evil grin, and I bet I mirrored it.

Yup. That's right, readers. Gwenny's being all sorts of rebel tonight. It feels wrong, but at the same time so right.

Besides, drinking is all in good fun if I don't throw up on anybody or go completely lesbian again like I did at the Oliver Party.

Hey, at least I didn't actually end up kissing any of our close latina friends like some people I know. Cough, cough, Allison.

/ /

It took us about five minutes to make it over to the bar, the bar which was all glowing and lit up so it looked even more appealing.

"Hey, you, girlies. Are you sure you're twenty one?" The big, gruff looking bartender man looked at us, and by us I mean me, up and down. Oh jeez. "You look about right," He pointed at Aly, "-but you, I'm not so sure."

I sighed, trying to be as calm and not jittery and nervous about getting caught. "Look, would I be here if I wasn't twenty one?"

The man thought for a minute, but threw his hands up, defeated. Muaha, thought so.

I turned to Aly, about to ask what we should order, but she looked suddenly fear stricken.

"Oh. My. Gaskarth." For a moment, I totally thought she was talking about All Time Low's Alex Gaskarth, but I guess she just replaced God with Gaskarth to fit the whole band theme, because he was nowhere in sight.

I raised my eyebrow at the wide eyes blonde and tapped her shoulder, "Als? What's up?"

She motioned her head towards a muscular looking dude talking to a brunnette chick and whispered, "I think that's, no, I know that's-"

Aly didn't finish, so I squinted my eyes to get a better look. Hey, you know, that really looks like Kellan Edison.

The man turned slightly, adjusting his hand on the girl's waist. Oh chiz.

It is the older brother of Cory Edison also known as Kellan Edison.

Ladies and gents, this is defcon 6 at its finest.

"I can't let him see me!" Aly squealed, abandoning our place at the bar and moving behind some dancing dude with dreads.

Alliteration.

She thinks she's the only one who risks getting in trouble if someone we know sees us? I'm younger than she is! "I can't exactly let him see me either!" I followed her steps and moved behind the same man who didn't seem to care that two small blondes were now dancing behind him.

Well. Aly was dancing, I sort of move awkwardly while talking.

I'm not really a dancer. Unless it involved being in my room dancing to the melodious voices of Glee.

Aly scoffed,"It's different! I'm dating his brother. I can't let him think I snuck into a club with a fake ID to get drunk!" That wouldn't be entirely true. We didn't come here to get drunk.

"Dude, I babysit his baby siblings. Do you think he'll be comfortable with having some fake ID using clubber watching his precious, impressionable brother and sister? I think not!" I rolled my eyes, continuing to dance behind the man.

I think I'm getting the hang out this club dancing. Except I can't really look up, I have to focus on my feet.

You know. To make sure I don't get crazy legs or something and end up embarrassing myself.

This song is really good. It has a nice beat.

I felt my body collide with someone else's, and in other words I bumped into someone. "Sorry," I apologized, thinking it was Aly.

"Gwen?" See now. Allison's voice isn't that deep unless she took the time to smoke a couple hundred packs of cigarettes outside, ya'know, while she wasn't trying to seduce the bouncer.

Finally looking up, the person I had bumped into was much bigger than my sister. And very well couldn't have been my sister since she was now behind me, face in palm. "Nice going, Gwendoloser. Next time, pay attention to where you're dancing and try to stay behind the big man?" She said angrily, motioning to the man that I was no longer dancing behind.

Somehow, I had managed to dance my way directly to where Kellan and Miss Mystery were standing. "Oh, hey there, Kellan. Wh-what are you doing here?" I smiled, trying to look innocent and surprised.

Yeah. He looks way more surprised than I can pretend to be.

Kellan gave me a very Beck like look, "I seriously think I should be asking you two what you're doing here." He unwrapped his arm from around the brunette's waist and stuck them in his pocket.

Very Beck like, indeed.

Aly had this look on her face as if she was thinking of something to say. I sure hope she comes up with something good. She's a way better lier than I am in situations like this.

"It's my birthday." That's what she came up with.

Really.

Kellan would know it's her birthday considering his brother only spent about five hundred dollars on the necklace she's wearing right now. Obviously he would have heard Coco asking his parents for it, because I don't think they just leave five hundred big ones lying around the house.

Or maybe they do in their house. They are the Edison's after all.

Kellan just blinked at her, speechless.

Before he could talk, something amazing happened. The brown haired one spoke. "Happy Birthday!"

LOLwut.

Then she hugged Aly, and that's not the best idea because my sister doesn't like to be touched by people she's only known for three seconds. Not to mention the poor girl is brunette, so right now Als is probably thinking, 'lyke oh em gee she's gunna give mii germs'.

Or something like that. "Who's your friend?" I smirked, breaking the tension with a question. Should that count as a rhyme score, you think?

"Oh, this is uh, Tiffany." Kellan rubbed the back of his neck and stuck his arm back around her waist.

"I'm Tiffany!" His, not sure if this is the right label, girlfriend nodded her head up and down faster than Cat when you ask her if she wants to make cupcakes.

Oh dear. "Nice to meet you, I'm Gwen and this is my sister, Aly." Because I like to be polite to my future brother in law's brother's new possible girlfriend.

That was a mouthful.

Aly tried to smile nicely, and did a small wave. "What's up?

Tiffany colon capitol D smiled, "The ceiling!" In all seriousness. Complete with a point to said ceiling.

She's a winner.

I looked at Aly who was so biting back laughter, and not lying, I am too. Although I kinda feel bad for both Kellan and Tiffany. She looked so sweet and innocent, but on the other hand, I don't want to know what Kellan was smoking when he asked her out.

I'm assuming he asked her out because what girl in their right mind asks a guy out?

Or it's cool if it was a sort of mutual agreement.

I'm getting off topic.

Kellan noticed Aly's grinning borderlining laughter and sighed, "Hey, look, you're boyfriend isn't exactly splitting atoms either." That sure made Aly stop.

Oh, boyfriend's smartness insecurities say whaaa?

I bet my boyfriend could split atoms. 'Cause he's sexy and sort of nerdy. Like one of those guys from The Big Bang Theory.

Bazinga.

Maybe that's what David and I should be for Halloween! He can be Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, and I'll be Jess from The New Girl.

...Why do I keep going off track and off topic?

"I dated a guy named Adam once!"

Oh, Tiffany.

"What are the chances of you not telling anyone about this?" Aly raised her eyebrow and crossing her arms.

Kellan's eyes darted toward Tiffany and he inhaled sharply. "What are the chances of you not telling anyone about..." He trailed off, but we both knew who he was talking about.

"No problem." I said quickly. I really just wanted to get my drink and watch All Time Low, and this was taking too long.

The muscular Edison uttered a quick, 'have fun, be safe' and the ditzy brunette waved like a little girl as they both wandered off back into the depths of the nightclub.

No wonder he doesn't want anyone to know about her, she's my new weapon against people who say blondes are dumb and brunettes are smart.

"Glad that's over," Aly grinned. "Bartender, I'll have a Tequila Bay Breeze,"

"And I'll have a Pink Squirrel."

Some blonde's may be dumb, but all I know is these two blonde's sure do have a lot more fun.


	30. not to mention impaired judgement

My computer hates me and has been making ff act weird. It finally decided to not be a huge piece of poop so enjoy this really late chapter.

* * *

><p><em>"I don't know what they put in a pink squirrel, but I don't know how squirrels hang on to their nuts!"<em>

_- Fran Fine, The Nanny_

**Gwen's POV**

Oh my Gaskarth. That was the most amazing two and a half hours of musical bliss I have ever experienced. And I can tell Aly had just as much fun as I did, which makes Operation Get Aly and I Into Avalon Hollywood So We Can See All Time Low And She Can Have The Best Sixteenth Birthday Anyone Has Ever Had And Love Me Forever a success.

Maybe by next year, I'll come up with shorter operation names.

Aww, they just walked off the stage. Guess they have to take a break from being awesome sometime. So they can sleep and stuff. I bet they rock out even when they're asleep.

Sleep rock.

But for cereal, why is All Time Low the greatest band in the world? Can you answer that for me, readers?

No? You can't? Oh, of course you can't. That would just be too much trouble for you.

It wouldn't kill you guys to talk back to Aly and I every now and then, you know. You guys should entertain us for once.

Unless you're Sinjin and you're reading this so you can amuse yourself because you're a freak with no life of your own. Or maybe you're just boring.

... Why am I talking about this as if you could respond even if you wanted to?

Meh, I might be juuust a bit tipsy. And all time high on All Time Low. Hehehe.

Let's see, how many Pink Squirrels did I have? Only two, I think. Or maybe it was three.

Four?

No, it was three. Or two. Or four.

Is that too many?

... Nah.

It's weird, when I got chizz faced from all those jello shots, I got sooo angry and wanted to rip off somebody's arm. But I don't really feel like that now. I feel reeeeaaaallllyyyyyy goooooooodddd.

Maybe it's like that one episode of How I Met Your Mother. Ya'know, the one where Lily and Robin try to figure out the perfect type of alcohol to give Barney and Marshall so they'll be friends again 'cause they weren't anymore even though I can't remember why and absinthe made Lily and Robin float.

I should have gotten something with absinthe in it.

But that's not the point.

Apparently vodka makes me angry. So I avoided anything with vodka by sticking with the Pink Squirrels.

Pink Squirrels have some kind of creamy liquor stuff in it and they're really sweet and they just make me feel good. When I drink one, it's like I'm frolicking through a field of daisies and I'm surrounded by hot pink squirrels that tickle my throat and shower me with fuzzy love.

... Maybe I should stay away from alcohol for the rest of the night.

Or maybe not, 'cause Aly and I walked back to the bar and I just saw something on the menu board that blew my friggin' mind.

"Als, they have a gummy bear margarita!"

Aly didn't share my excitement. "Seriously? Why is it that all the drinks you like are all either sugar suicides or gelatinous?"

'Because you are a child, that's why.'

"Because you are a freakish child, that's why."

Close enough.

"Oh, come on, just one more drink before Cat comes to get us!" I cried as I hopped up on a brightly colored bar stool and patted the one next to me. "Consider it our last hurrah before this magnificent night is over."

Aly raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow, but slowly smiled and sat down. "What the hell. This night has been pretty bitchin'."

Yay for drinking! And cursing!

It feels good to finally sit down. These heels are killing me and there wasn't a seat available for a while. There were now, since most of our fellow clubbers either stumbled out the front entrance to their one night stands or are currently backstage trying to hook up with Jack Barakat.

Hehehe. Barakat. That sounds like some kind of Pokemon.

And here comes the bartender after dealing with some emo guy who wanted an appletini. "Gummy bear margarita, on the rocks."

He burrowed his bushy eyebrows at me. "The gummy bear margarita? Really? If I weren't convinced you weren't twenty one before, I am now, blondie."

Blondie? Is that some kind of insult? Blondes have more fun for your information, Mister Smelly Man. "First of all, Blondie was an inspiration to fair haired women everywhere. And second, if you really want proof of my age so damn bad, here." I fished my ID out of my glitter clutch and flashed it in his face. Bam.

He squinted his beady eyes at it, but slowly nodded and said, "Oh. My apologies, Miss Kinnit. An organ donor gave my baby mama a new liver. I'll go make your drink."

Um, okay. At least he bought it. And I got to finally use my ID. Yay.

After Aly told him she wanted a Campari Cosmo as he walked to the other end of the lit up bar, she looked at me and said, "Damn, drunk Gwen gets the job done. Does your ID really say you're an organ donor?"

I handed it to her so she could see for herself and nodded. "Yeah, nice touch, huh?"

I'm such a good person. Being a pretend organ donor and all.

Yep.

/ /

Gummy bear margaritas?

BEST MOTHER SLUTTIN' THING EVER.

It tastes just like a gummy bear, and there are gummy bears floating around in it, so every now and then one of the little suckers just floats in your mouth and gives you a surprise! Giggle.

Is this how Cat feels all the time? All goofy and happy go lucky?

Man, she must be slammed twenty four seven.

"Look at all the stars, Aly! They're beautiful!"

"Those are street lights, Gwen."

"Oh. They're still beautiful."

Aly dragged me back into the Texaco station so we could put our non-slutty clothes on and muttered, "Dude, you're gonna be sooo hungover in the morning."

"You had just as much to drink as I did, you gank!" I whined, wriggling out of her grasp. But then I started to giggle and added, "Whoa, I sounded kind of like a bitch for a second there."

"If you say so." Aly smirked, and even though she was acting a little more sane than I was, she still had as many drinks as I had. Maybe more. I didn't pay attention, but I probably should have, since I paid for them all. I guess she can hold down her liquor better than I can.

Titties ass crack shit nugget, sister dear.

Like my badass variation of boobies butt crack turd nugget? I do.

Being drunk makes cussing like ten times as fun. I never used to curse but now I do it way more often because saying bad words makes you mature and I'm much more mature now.

Yeah, let's go with that.

By the time we stumbled into the bleak ladies room, I looked over at my sister. "Why aren't you drunker than I is? You weigh twenty pounds souping wet."

"... Did you just say 'souping wet'?"

"Yeah. Like, wet from... from soup."

Aly shook her head and handed me my tote bag with my party dress. "I'm not even sure if I can chalk that flub up to your drunkness. That's the sad part."

LOLwhat.

I didn't even bother to comprehend what she said, so I just let my head bob up and down in a nod.

Aly let out a laugh, way louder than she usually laughs (thank you, tequila), and pulled her dress out of her tote. "Let's just get ready. Cat's gonna be here any minute."

"Okey dokey!" I yanked my tank top over my head and tossed it in the tote bag that I rested in the sink that looked like it hadn't been sanitized it ten and a half years. Before I could pull my dress out, I looked at my bra-clad self in the mirror and started laughing like a crazy chick.

"What's so funny?" Aly asked, looking like she genuinely wanted to know instead of like usual, when she only wants to find out why I'm being so weird.

"M-My-My..."

"Yeah?"

I motioned for her to come closer and when she did, with Voodoo Tiki Blue Dragon tequila breath, I whispered, "My tits are reeeeaaallllyyyyyy smaaaall."

Commence both Oliver girls laughing their drunk asses off.

I don't know why my lack of breasticles amuses me right now. Usually it just depresses me.

But everything's funny right now.

/ /

"Hi, guys! You look like you had a good time!" Cat grinned at us from the front seat of her car before we crawled in.

Oh, you better believe we did, you sexy kitty, you.

But I'm not gonna pounce on her, because I would make her crash her car with my liptacular sexiness.

And because I'm not a lesbian.

"Yeah, thanks for coming to get us, Cat," Aly told her as she sat down in the front passenger's seat, a goofy little smile on her face that I'll probably only ever see if she's packed full of alcohol. "I know it's really late and-"

"It's no big deal. My brother was screaming in his sleep again, so I was awake anyway." Cat smiled at me from the rearview mirror as she pulled away from the Texaco station and my God her eyes are gorgeous I just want to stare into them while she does things to me.

... Why does being drunk turn me into such a Brittany S. Pierce and make me crave sweet lady kisses?

I bet if David ever got drunk, he'd want some man lovin' from Cory or something.

...

Why does that turn me on.

Being drunk must make me a horny yaoi and yuri shipper.

Don't know what yaoi and yuri are?

LOOK IT UP, NOOBS.

"So was the memorial fun?" Cat asked as she drove down the highway, which was surprisingly packed for it being like three in the morning.

"Uh, yeah." Aly nodded. "Totally fun."

What memorial? Was there a memorial at Avalon that I missed or something because I was busy falling in love with creamy pink drinks and yummy gummy ones?

Oh wait. That was our cover story. Right.

"Yay!" Cat squealed. "I wish I could have come, but my brother-"

Is it bad that I don't remember what happened from that moment until the moment we were standing in our driveway and Cat's car was long gone?

Probably, but at least I remember everything else about the night. For the most part.

"We're here. And don't take your dress off until you get into your room, okay?"

Why would Aly tell me that?

... Unless I tried to take my dress off in Cat's car when I blacked out for a while.

Nah. Let's just say I didn't.

We started staggering toward the house, but I noticed one of the lights in Beck's RV was on. That means he's still awake. And that must mean he's been waiting for us to get home because he worries about us and he loves us and we totally betrayed his trust and holy balls I am a horrible person.

"I have to tell Beck what we did."

Aly did a double take and asked, "Are you out of your goddamn mind?"

"Yes, because I'm drunk and I'm the worst little sister ever!" I felt tears building up in my eyes and before I knew what I was doing, "BECK I'M SORRY WE GOT FAKE IDS AND WENT TO A CLUB AND GOT WASTED" came blaring out of my mouth before Aly could manage to slap her hand over it.

Aaaand, after a moment, Beck wandered out, wearing nothing but a white tank top and his boxers and looking like he just rolled out of bed.

Oh geez.

"What's with the yelling?" he sleepily asked, stifling back a yawn. "It's the middle of the night."

Oh, I guess he fell asleep with the lights on or something. Thanks for waiting up to make sure we didn't get raped or anything, broseph.

"She saw a spider. Did you, uh, hear what she yelled?" Aly slowly asked, still not releasing me and my lips. Licking her hand is not helping and it tastes like glitter.

You'd think glitter would taste good but you'd be wrong.

Beck shook his head. "Uh, no. It just sounded like a loud, continuous screech to me."

Aly finally let me go so she could cackle like a bitchy witch, and she wiped her drool covered hand on my hair as she did so. I didn't particularly care.

As he combed his messy hair out of his face, Beck cracked a small grin, walked out of the RV and asked, "So I'm guessing you guys had fun? Looks like it."

"Yeeeaaaahhhh, tons of fun!" I was back to being happy go lucky. This mixture of tequila and whatever's in a Squirrel of Pinkness is taking a toll on my emotions. And making me twirl around in circles. "Wheeeee!"

"She's reeeaaaally tired. Y'know, because she usually goes to bed at seven," I heard Allison half-heartedly explain to our brother, as if she needed to make an excuse for my freakishness. Beck's lived with me just as long as she has. He should be used to it by now.

"Yeah, I can tell." I'm not sure if that was sarcastic or not. I couldn't see him 'cause I was still spinning. "Look, it's late. You guys should get inside."

I twirled over and threw my arms around my brother. "I love you so much, man. You're like a brother to me."

"Uh... yeah, back at you," Beck slowly said with a small chuckle, rubbing my back gently. He still thinks I'm just tired. What a silly billy.

It helps that I sprayed on a buttload of Pink body spray on before Cat picked us up so no one could smell the booze and sweat on me.

"I'd better get her inside so she can rest," Aly muttered, prying me off of Beck and pushing me toward the house.

After regaining my balance, I looked back at her and went back to bithcy Gwen. "Oh, I see how it is. You want the Beck hugs all to yourself! Fine! I don't need either of you! I'll just go inside and rot in a sack, since both of you hate me!"

And that's when I stumbled on my wedges and fell onto the lawn. Good thing I kept my shorts on under my dress.

And my stumble, even though it didn't hurt at all, made me start sobbing.

"Sheesh, she's really out of it, huh."

"I'll say."

I'd say so too.

/ /

I wanted to sleep on the lawn, but Aly wasn't having any of that, so she dragged me into the house while Beck went back into his recreational vehicle to get some sleep without me screeching stuff.

I'm glad he didn't hear what I said. What was I thinking?

Seriously, what was I thinking? I can't really remember.

Blah, whatever.

Oooh, my bed. Yaaaayy.

Aly helped me lay down, then sat on my bed to take my shoes off for me. "No, you don't hafta-"

"Yeah, I do. These are my shoes and I don't want you barfing on them in your sleep or something." Aly smirked as she untied the ribbon that held my (okay, her) wedges to my feet and yanked them off.

Aahhhh, that feels better.

Yet it doesn't.

"No, no, Als, it's your birthday," I muttered as my head hit my pillow. "I should be helping you get into bed." I suddenly felt really tired. Probably because of all the twirling and yelling and crying.

"You're way drunker than I am, you lightweight," Aly told me, tossing my comforter over me. I guess I'm sleeping in my clothes, since I really don't want to get up and I most certainly don't want Allison to put my jammies on me.

Wait, did she call me a lightweight?

I'd punch her for saying that if it weren't her birthday. And I weren't so tired.

I pulled my comforter up to my chin and looked up at my sister. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"You're kidding, right? I saw All Time Low live, met the stupidest brunette in California, got my drink on, and watched you make an ass of yourself." She leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek. "Best birthday ever."

Aww, that made me feel all warm and nice.

I hope that was from the nice sisterly moment and it wasn't me peeing myself.

Aly threw Walter at me, got up and walked to the door. "Love you, shortie."

"Love you too," I quietly said, burying my face into Walter's fuzzy gray body as she shut the door.

... Wait, who's she calling shortie? I should karate chop her face for that!

But my bed is so soft and I'm so tired.

Pink Squirrel, you are one cruel critter.


	31. good guesses and bad news

_"None love the messenger who brings bad news." - Sophocles _

**Aly's POV**

Allison Jane Oliver does not get hangovers.

...Okay she does.

I'd really rather not get up right now. I'd really rather just lie here in bed for the rest of the day, and maybe tomorrow.

You never get used to hangovers, let me tell you that.

I don't have a stomach ache, which is good because I hate stomach aches, but I will admit I have a headache. Nothing major, just enough to annoy the piss out of me.

Ugh, my eyes are burning, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say they're bloodshot. How nice. Now I'm definitely not tempted at all to go look in the mirror. I probably look like a crack whore who's going through withdrawals.

And that's not a look I can pull off.

I slowly moved my damask blanket off my body, but didn't move. My Victoria's Secret 'Love Pink 86' shirt was halfway up my torso, exposing my skin colored bra.

Wah. My tummy is getting cold.

Okay, Allison. It's time to get up and check yourself out in the mirror. You know, like you do every morning?

...The readers did not need to know that I check myself out and talk to myself in the mirror.

After adjusting my legs so that they were now basically off my bed, my feet hit the ground with a soft thud. Good, because anything louder would have caused me to die.

I gave myself a slight push and stood up- way too fast.

Now I'm on the ground.

At least I can still check myself in the mirror. 'LOL Aly you're on the ground how can you do that?' You ask.

Well, the side table next to my bed doesn't have a drawer bottom, it's just a shelf, so I have a bunch of standing mini mirrors on it. I have a lot of those.

Some people collect stamps, I collect mirrors. Don't judge. I bet you have a secret collection, too. But yours is probably something dirty like Playboy magazines or baby bottle nipples.

Like Robbie. He has both of those.

Please don't ask how I now that. He probably has them for the same reason he had, and still probably has, cardboard cut-outs of one Caterina Valentine.

If you honestly don't know what that reason is, it's called masturbation. Watch the health channel for God's sake, you prude children.

My eyes are bloodshot, my hair looks like I tried to blow dry my hair with one of those fans they use to simulate bad weather in plays, and I'm so happy I took my make-up before I went to bed.

I always remember. Full face of makeup to bed equals full face of clogged pores in the morning.

Oh, by the way, I'm not getting up. I'll crawl my way to the bathroom.

I should also probably check on Gwen, if I'm feeling this crappy, I can bet she's feeling even crappier. Her last baby hangover was induced by her eating too many jello shots. This time, she put on her big girl pants and drank loads of alcohol.

I'm almost sort of proud.

It's probably really irresponsible that I didn't stop my, almost, fifteen year old sister from drinking so much, but hey, when I was fifteen I got drunk a lot.

Of course, that was with my scum bag of an ex-boyfriend, but I promised I would drag him into my summer.

So, here I am, outside my door, crawling my way to the bathroom, because I need to pee. How I'm going to get myself on the toilet, I don't know, I'll get there when I get there.

How sanitary do you think it'd be if I just like...never mind, that's way too gross.

You want to know don't you? Okay. I was going to say, how sanitary do you think it'd be if I just sort of took of my short and undies and sat in the tub and peed. Just so I wouldn't have to sit on the- you know what. Forget I said anything.

I miss Alex Gaskarth. I swear, at one point last night, I was so close that his sweat was dripping on me. His sweet, sweet, sweat.

Ew. Ew. I can't think of anything like that or I'll upchuck.

Oh look. I made it to the bathroom. Hurray for Allison. And it's open. More hurrays.

Just as I was about to push the door all the way open, a shout stopped me, "Don't come in!"

I winced at the loudness that was the voice.

Lord. It's Gwen. She's probably in there throwing up and thinks I'm Beck or Dad or Mom. Gosh, if my mom saw her throwing up and thought that she was sick, she'd quarantine her to the outside world, because God forbid we actually get sick while she's going through her lifetime crisis or whatever. "Gwen, it's just me, and don't yell. My head hurts."

I heard a soft moan and wow I'm a pervert. You know, a moan plus a bathroom and someone saying don't come in, well that just leads us back to what we were talking about before. I really would like to not think about that. "Still. Don't come in. I'm peeing." Gwen said quietly.

Uhm. She's peeing? "With the door open?"

"I was afraid if I shut the door too loudly it would sound like a gun shot. So I just left it open."

I would make a snarky reply, but she has a point. I feel your pain, Gwendolyn.

Sighing, I scuttled closer to the wall and leaned up against it, beginning to fiddle with the drawstrings on my Victoria's secret 'Wild Love' purple cheetah print shorts.

Yeah. I do love me some Victoria's Secret, if you couldn't tell.

It wasn't long after I could think of anything to say in my inner dialogue that Gwen came out of the bathroom in what I like to call a 'how can one person tell I'm not hungover' ensemble.

Gwendoloser was sporting a 'one man wolfpack' dark blue shirt from the Hangover, complete with a picture of Zach Galifianakis on it, her Juicy Couture black and ecru plaid flannel shorts, her little knitted slipper boots, and wait for it-

A giant pair of tapered, oval, black sunglasses.

Because no one would suspect that, right? "Gwen, why don't you just wear a sandwich board that says 'I'm totally hungover' and be done with it?"

I'm not sure if she just tried to slap me and fell down, or if she just fell down.

It doesn't matter which one it was because Gwen is now on top of me, sitting on my bladder, crushing me. "Hey, kiddo, I really don't have the want or need to pee myself today so can you get off?"

"My legs are gone."

I can't wait until these hangovers are gone. It's gonna be a long morning.

/ /

"Okay, so we've got SoBe-"

Gwen snatched a gecko decorated blue bottle out of my hand and twisted off the cap, "Water of life!"

I raised my eyebrow at her, "Right..." I shook my head. "As I was saying, SoBe water, Gatorade, coffee, seltzer water, aspirin and a trash can." I looked at everything that was sprawled out on Gwen's rug, right next to two pillows and her Pear Home.

We had both managed to quickly get downstairs, collect the necessities for this day, and get back to Gwen's room. Her room, because we spend far too much time in my room, and if I miss the trashcan I don't want to risk getting any puke anywhere in my room.

"Why do we need a trash can?" She asked, laying back on the soft pillow and taking mini sips of her SoBe with two aspirin tablets.

I stared at her. "Just...just trust me."

This is nice. Some soft Imogen Heap music, lying on a pillow, filled with aspirin and Gatorade.

That 'filled with aspirin' line could totally be taken out of context.

But that doesn't matter because I'm sure these hangovers are going away quicker than expected. My headache is going away a bit and I don't feel as dizzy when I stand up.

This day is going to be pretty chill.

"Allison! Gwendolyn! Come down here!"

And whenever something is pretty chill it has to be ruined by the Queen of Evil herself, my mother.

Yesterday I liked her, today she makes me hate her. "Ugh, come on Gwen, she'll probably crucify us if we don't go see what her demon-ness wants." I slowly got myself off the floor and tapped Gwen with my foot.

"But I'm so comfy..." She whined.

I know. I know. "Come ooooonnn." I grabbed both her arms and heaved her up, to which she granted me a face of dismay.

Well, stuck her tongue out, but face of dismay sounded so much better than that.

We met our mother, and father, and shouldn't those two be working today? God. If they don't go to work, Aly can't have money for nice things.

It's a simple equation.

Parents working plus Aly equals working parents give Aly money to go buy new Alexander McQueen shoes.

Simple.

Oh, I'm forgetting that Beck is here too. Hey, Beck. See, I would say it out loud but this for some reason looks like a serious family moment.

Which can only mean one thing. We're busted aren't we.

Gwen yanked my arm a little bit and the look on her face said something along the lines of 'oh my gosh Aly we're so busted they're gonna send us to some scared straight organization like they did to Drake and Josh when they used fake IDs oh my lord save us Aly'.

Long. Sentences. Make. Aly. Angry.

You just read that while pausing at every punctuation, didn't you? Don't lie.

My father held a tight arm around my mother while she just stood there smiling like a goob. "Now that we finally have all three of you together with no interruptions, we both have something to tell you." My mother smiled some more and handed each of us a box.

Oh. Are we getting gifts?

Us three Oliver children hesitantly looked at each other and unraveled the ribbon off our boxes. I opened the lid to mind and stared at the horrible thing inside.

It was a white stick, with a pale purple end and small screen. The screen showed a picture of a plus sign.

I know what this is. But I don't know what to say. So all I could say is, "You honestly peed on three pregnancy tests to explain this omen to us?"

I'm not sure if that made sense, but I sure hope that it did.

My father pinched the bridge of his nose and my mother gave me a stern look. "Allison. This was supposed to be a cute and fun way of explaining to you all that I'm p-pregnant. You've ruined it!" Jane doesn't normally yell, unless she's yelling at me. Which she is.

"You ruined our lives!"

Dramatic Aly, at your service. "A baby is not a reason for you to say your life is ruined." Jane added, more calmly as James stroked her hand.

I looked at my siblings. But I knew once I get going, they don't speak. No backing me up and never being on my side. Gwen was staring at the box like it was hypnotizing her, and Beck had one hand clutching the box, one hand in his pocket, and both eyes on me.

"Uh, mom. If you hadn't noticed, Beck doesn't even live in this house, I was bulimic and had a relapse, and Gwen has a borderline adoption complex! You can't handle another child!"

"Allison Jane Oliver. Go to your room."

This is the part where I stomp up to my room like a three year old. Or like a Gwen. Whichever you prefer.

Here I am. Cleaning the room to which I have been banished.

I really like cleaning though, especially at this point in time. It gets all my anger out and is much better than breaking everything Jane owns and loves.

Because obviously that isn't me.

I heard a soft knock at my door and turned around. It was Gwen. "Hey, kid. What's up?" I looked down at the tote she was carrying and raised an eyebrow. "If you're running away, please take me with you."

Gwen curtly laughed, "Nah. Don't worry. I'm just going to David's for a little bit...you know, to clear my head? Mom told me to take as much time as I needed 'cause we're all trying to get through this or something."

Or something, that's right Gwen, don't listen to our 'I can't use protection' esque mother. "Alright. As long as you promise to come home."

Gwendolyn gave me a thumbs up and began her journey to her beloved's house.

Speaking of significant others, I miss mine. Even if he has little siblings...

ASDFGHJKL WHY IS MY MOTHER DOING THIS TO ME. WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GET PREGNANT. WHY WHY WHY WHY.

Why do things like this always happen to me.

/ /

Now I'm in the bathroom. Cleaning of course. This house isn't going to clean itself.

Neither of my parents have come to talk to me. Wise considering this wouldn't be the best time for one of them to try and have a word with me.

I peeked out the bathroom window. Oh. Maybe that's why. They're not even home.

Probably out to get some diapers or kitty litter or whatever it is babies need.

They do get litter trained right?

Ugh, whatever. Back to cleaning this dirty sink.

Oh boy. Combat boots coming up the stairs? Must be another sexually active person related to me.

"Als? Are you okay?" Beck tapped my shoulder as I was wiping down the sink. Hah. Okay? I'm far from okay.

I looked back at him and rolled my eyes, "Yeah, Beckett. Our parents just told us that we're going to have another dysfunctional kid running around here soon enough. I'm peachy keen, lima bean." I want to cry but it's useless. So I continued scrubbing the knobs on the sink getting them as clean as possible.

"Look...Aly, this isn't easy for any of us. Think of how bad I'll get it tomorrow after I tell Jade it's better if she doesn't come over tonight." My brother kneeled on the floor besides me and wrapped his arms around my shoulder.

I paused. "But I thought Wednesdays were role playing nights."

"Please don't tell me how you know that."

Oh. So him knowing my time of the month is okay, but when I know when his and Jade's designated extra sexy sex times are, it's weird.

Even though it is a little.

Before I could rebuttal, you guess it something saucy, we both heard the front door open. I suspect that'll be Gwen. "We should go see how much she cried at David's house." Because I'm going to guess the answer to that one is a lot.

Beck nodded and we both picked ourselves up and made our way down to the foyer to see Gwen.

Whoa. What a sight this is.

What the chizz is going on.

My little sister is standing before me wearing a gray, cropped tee shirt with the words 'poisoned lovers' scrawled on it in an ugly font, high waisted lightwash denim shorts that had been distressed to holy hell and black patened leather biker boots. Her nose is pierced and she is wearing the most goth jewelry I have ever seen.

That's not all though.

Gwen's hair is now cut in a short choppy manor, but it's, it's...blue.

"...Gwen?" Beck looked at me, and then back at new Gwen. He was scared.

Don't worry, I'm scared too. And if the readers could see her, they'd be scared too.

Gwen popped her bubblegum in her mouth, "What? Can't a girl walk in the door without people staring?"

No. Because people normally do that to me when I walk in a room. Mostly because I'm downright attractive. People are staring at you because you look like you've been in jail for three months. "What happened to you? Did you like, lose a bet?"

New Gwen grinned, "You like? I took a cab to see my friend, Ursula. After hanging out with her for a while, I think I really found myself."

...Ursula sounds like a sweet friend. Especially if she cut my little sisters hair and got her a nose piercing, which looks good, and gave her the clothes of someone in the eighties.

Beck was staring at Gwen, you guessed it, cross armed.

I was busy trying to figure out if those shorts were from my room.

They might be...but then again she may have just cut her jeans up or something.

"I really hope this is just some weird phase, Gwen." Beck sighed, to which my pleasant sister just scoffed.

It's not impressing me, so whatever. Nothing impresses me. I'm too good for everything on this planet.

But maybe brother dear is right. I mean, almost everyone goes through phases.

I nodded in agreement, "I went through a phase once. Turns out I really do like boys, though."

Beck stopped staring at Gwen. "What?"

...Shit. "This isn't about me."

That was the past anyway. I think I was like, bi-curious. Eye dee kay, I've heard people say that when you're romantically attracted to both genders you're a-sexual. But I wasn't romantically attracted.

I was sexually attracted.

Does that make me b-sexual, or is b-sexual just bi? Or hypersexual...or pansexual.

Nah.

Anyway, what happened in Cat's bedroom, stays in Cat's bedroom.


	32. the one with the badass flashback

_"Nothing is more necessary or stronger in us than rebellion."_

_― Georges Bataille_

**Gwen's POV**

Oh. Hey. If you've been keeping yourself up to date on life with the Olivers, you probably know what Jane and James announced to me and my siblings. So you probably won't be surprised when I say-

WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.

They're bringing another child into this household? They barely have time for the three kids they have and they screwed them up beyond belief. How are they going to take care of a fourth?

I'll tell you how. The same way they took care of their first three children.

By practically letting the oldest ones raise the younger ones.

You know it's true. It's why Beck's more protective than the average brother and why Aly and I don't completely hate each other like most sisters do. We watch out for each other and we're close in age, so that makes it easier. We have a good thing going for us right now.

A baby would completely ruin that.

Know why? Because we'd be too busy wiping its butt and keeping Aly from throwing it out a window to get into any of our wacky shenanigans, and then you guys would stop reading this lovely tale and then Allison and I would be sad.

But I lied when I said I'd be sad, because I'm badass now and badass people don't feel sadness. They only feel the emotion that is badass.

I bet you're wondering how I went from wearing a shirt with Zach Galifianakis on it to a scary one that barely covers my boobs. Wouldn't you like to know.

… Would you?

Ugh, fine. I guess I'll give you a flashback. Only because I like to write in italics.

Here we go.

/ /

_By the time the cab I called for showed up a few houses away from mine, my fading hangover was the last thing on my mind. I was fuming. I was livid. I wanted to cry and scream at the same time._

_I did at one point._

_The cabbie said my ride was free if I promised not to hurt him. His wedding was in three days and he wanted to be alive during it so he could get his green card or something._

_Ugh. Whatever._

_As soon as he pulled up to my destination, I grabbed my tote bag, jumped out and slammed the cab door as hard as I possibly could. I'm pretty sure the illegal immigrant behind the wheel of that thing broke a few traffic laws as he drove off like a bat out of hell._

_Where did I go exactly?_

_Jorge's Mini Mart._

_Why was I there?_

"_Ursula."_

_Said pink and black spikey-haired mini mart cashier was outside the store, leaning against the brick wall with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, as clichéd as that sounds. She raised a thin, pierced eyebrow at me. "Hey, I remember you. You're the yoyo girl with the crazy ass mom and the flat stomach."_

_Holy moly, is my stomach really flat? I mean, I've been working to lose weight for a while, but… Still not the point._

"_Yeah, I don't think I ever told you my name. I'm Gwen, and I'm beyond pissed and my head hurts and I want to make some changes in my life."_

"_That's a lot to take in during my break, but I think you've come to the right girl." Ursula smirked and spat her cigarette out onto the sidewalk. "What did you have in mind?"_

_As she ground the butt into dusty ashes with the heel of her worn out combat boot, I held up my tote and said, "There are clothes in here that need to be ripped to shreds and skankified. And you see this?" I pointed to my nose. "This innocent little nose? The one that isn't pierced? Yeah, that needs to change."_

_Ursula shook her head in disbelief. "Hold up for a sec. You're telling me that you, a perfect blonde little piece of ass, want to look like me? And you need my help to do so?"_

"_Uh, yeah, pretty much."_

"_This… This might very well be the greatest day of my life." Ursula grinned and started taking off her hideous green vest. "Come on, my uncle's parlor ain't that far from here."_

_As I watched her throw her vest down on the concrete, I asked, "Uh, aren't you on a break or something? I can wait until your shift is-"_

"_Gwen," Ursula interrupted, holding a black nail polished finger up to my mouth. "The first rule of making a few 'personal changes' in life?" She paused and leaned closer to me so she could whisper-_

"_Learn not to give a shit."_

_Duly noted._

_/ /_

"_The old lady's knocked up, huh?"_

_We were at Sink The Ink and I was in the chair where the piercing victims reclined before the needle penetrated their various body parts. I had already picked out a diamond stud and the piercer, Margo or something, was getting prepped. Ursula was helping me do the same, which involved me telling her why I wanted to undergo a few changes._

_Those reasons being my screwed-up family._

"_God, it's horrible just hearing it out loud." I cringed. "It's not even just that. If we were a normal family and my parents were actually around, it might not be that bad. But that's not how it is, and this baby is going to ruin my life."_

_Where have I heard that last part before?_

_Oh right, my sister._

_Speaking of Aly-_

"_And then my stupid sister has the nerve to say I have an adoption complex. As if I wasn't already upset enough." For those of you who aren't aware of what a psychological complex is, let me catch you up. A complex is basically when one has many thoughts, emotions, memories, feelings of inferiority, triumphs, bitterness and determinations centering on one specific aspect of your life. Allison was suggesting that my being adopted was my certain aspect._

_Okay, I had to look up 'adoption complex' on my PearPhone to get that info, but I'm still quite wazzed about it._

"_I do not have a friggin' adoption complex. Like I care about my stupid birth mother and her stupid stupidness." I rolled my eyes and looked up at the ceiling. "So what if she didn't love me enough to keep me. And now my adoptive mother is having a new kid because I'm not good enough for her or something. I don't care. Whatevs."_

_Ursula just raised an eyebrow at me._

_That might have sounded like I was just pretending I didn't care. But I really don't care._

_I DON'T._

"_Damn, kid. You're pretty effed up for somebody who could pass for Shirley Temple." Ursula smirked and leaned on the armrest of my reclining chair. "And I thought my family was full of douches."_

_I wanted to mention that my siblings weren't all that bad, but I didn't. I probably should have. But I didn't._

"_So, you're doing all this so you can piss off your parents?"_

_I barely shrugged. "Isn't that the whole point of rebellion?"_

"_That and you get to dress really cool and pierce your face all up and shit." Ursula shoved off, her smirk still strong, and looked back at Margo, who had her piercing gun thingy ready to go._

"_This might hurt a bit."_

_/ /_

_IT HURT A LOT._

_At least at first. Probably because a needle got shoved through my flesh and all. But when Margo shoved a handheld mirror in my face, I knew it was all worth it._

_God, it looked so good. It was beautiful and badass at the same time. Just like I was going to be._

_Ursula's uncle let us hang out in the backroom of Sink The Ink, which gave us a place to chop up the clothes I brought. So many of my jeans, shorts, t-shirts and tank tops were reduced to frayed scraps of fabric. Hundreds of dollars' worth of clothes now looked like something you could find at a lost and found in Juvie._

_Jane's gonna love that._

"_So what's your plan?" Ursula asked as she used Jade-worthy scissors to hack off the leg of my high waisted jeans that I loved so much. I guess they'll look better as shorts._

_I ripped off the bottom section of one of my tank tops and asked, "Whaddya mean?"_

_Ursula looked up from my new shorts. "Y'know, how are you gonna play this whole thing through? You just gonna walk around in these and flaunt your new bling in your parents' faces until your mom pops over to Planned Parenthood and-"_

"_What? No, I don't want my mom to get an abortion!"_

"_Then why are you doing this?"_

"_I told you why! To piss her and my dad off and make her pay for her slutty ways and failed birth control."_

_I still don't like to think about the fact that my parents had, ugh, sex to get their damn fetus. They're too old and gross to have sex._

_Ursula held her hands up in surrender. "Okay, just want to make sure you know what you're getting into." She continued destroying my clothes and added, "The road to rebellion is a fun, but harsh one. If you're going to wuss out as soon as your folks start screaming at you, you're just gonna look like an ass. Whatever they spit at you, you have to spit twice as much back and do whatever you can to go against everything they've ever told you and everything they stand for."_

_That's a lot of stuff to remember._

_But I must._

"_Um, okay. I can do that."_

"_Alright then. These clothes are a good start, but you're gonna need more." Ursula tossed my new tank top at me and got off the leather couch we were on. "This ain't nearly enough. I've got some clothes that I don't need any more since the mall's security cameras have been down."_

_Ooooh, shoplifting. I might want to add that to my list of things I need to remember about defying authority._

_As she rifled through some cabinets I hadn't paid much attention to before, she added, "We can swing by my place one day and I can give 'em to you."_

_Wow, that would be nice of her. Do rebels say thank you, or is that lame? I didn't say it just in case._

_Instead, I asked, "Hey, Urs, why are you doing all this for me? I mean, we barely know each other and you're going through a lot of trouble doing all this. You could have easily burnt me with your cigarette or something when I begged you for your help."_

_Even though her back was turned, I could tell she had at least a tiny smile on her face. "What can I say, you remind me of a younger Ursula Schmidt. Except I wasn't nearly as much of a pansy as you currently are."_

_Um, okay. Cool._

"_Aaaand then there's your hair."_

_I pushed a strand of previously mentioned hair out of my face. "My hair? What about it?" I like my hair. It's shiny and it smells like strawberry shampoo._

"_It's the color of daffodils and marshmallow fluff and G-rated movies. That's not gonna work."_

_Oh. I guess I'm not supposed to like it anymore. And I guess I need to buy some shampoo that smells like cigarette smoke and dirt._

_I looked at the bottles she finally pulled out of the cabinet. "Hair dye? I thought this was just a tattoo and piercing placeamajig."_

"_First of all, rebels don't say 'placeamajig'." Ursula tossed the bottles of dye at me, thank God they were closed. "Second, we only have all this because the head tattoo guy here wants to try dying his arm hairs so it'll look like he's got two rainbows coming out of his torso."_

_That must be the infamous Ed Aly told me about. He sounds fun. And dumb._

"_Pick a color."_

_Well, I did like my blue streaks, and the thought just occurred to me then that this really could be a great way for a little self-discovery and independent creativity or some artist mumbo jumbo._

_Guess which color I picked._

"_Blue."_

_If you picked that, you're a winner. But that was easy, so it's sort of a hollow victory._

_Ursula nodded as she strolled back over and started dragging me toward the bathrooms. "Good choice. My hair was blue for a while, but then I went to green, and then black, and I just added the pink streaks to the black last month."_

_Maybe I should have chosen black with blue streaks. That seems like it'd infuriate the hair-obsessed Jane more… But I love my blondeness. And that's why I convinced Ursula to make them sort of like really intense highlights, with a blonde layer barely visible underneath. It actually looked really cool._

_But it still wasn't enough for Ursula._

"_We need to trim you up a little." She pulled the scissors from before out of her pocket and snipped them at me as I stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, since she was behind me. "And the trimming will actually be chopping and hacking."_

_Oh sweet baby Jesus._

"_Yeah, yeah… Just don't take too much off."_

_Ursula rolled her eyes. "I've been cutting my own hair since my parents forgot my birthday because it was on the same day as my bitch of a sister's piano recital. I know what I'm doing."_

_To spare you the details of me cringing every time the scissors claimed another chunk of hair, in little to no time, I had this crazy, but really cool looking Quinn Fabray bad girl hair, except it was blue instead of pink. And, if possible, even more awesome._

_Forget rebel. I was gonna be a full-blown skank._

_My transformation was complete._

/ /

And that leads up to right now. Here I am, standing in the foyer of my home, while my damn siblings gawk at me as if they've never seen me with blue hair. I had two blue streaks in my hair not too long ago.

Well, I guess my hair is a lot bluer than it was before.

And now I'm dressed like I'm in a biker gang. Considering I used to wear t-shirts that said things like 'Save the drama for your llama', I guess that's going to take a while to get used to.

And apparently my sister used to think she liked girls. If I weren't all badass now, I'd be more interested it that.

"Where the hell are James and Jane?" I chomped on my gum and my lips curled into a sneer. "Did they decide to be asswipes somewhere else?"

"I think we should be the ones asking the questions here," Aly said, ignoring my questions. Grr. "Did you fall on your head before leaving the house or something?"

I spat my gum out on the floor. Like a boss. "I changed my look. Big friggin' deal."

"And it's just a coincidence you did it a few hours after our parents told us they've decided having three messed up kids wasn't good enough for them?" Aly asked, not looking convinced at all that my new look was for reals.

Arms crossed, I told them both, "Maybe I was tired of being such a baby. Considering I'm not gonna be the youngest around here anymore in nine months, I'm just getting a head start."

Beck gave me his 'I am Beckett Oliver so I'm superior to you in every way but I'm going to pretend like I give two flaps about you and your pitiful adopted kid problems' look. I know he really cares about me, but I have to act like everyone is out to get me or this whole thing will be ineffective. "Gwen, come on. I know you're upset, Aly and I are too. This is going to be hard on all of us. You acting like… like whatever this is supposed to be is just going to make things worse."

"No, what made things worse was our mother getting herself pregnant like a moron!"

Beck raised both eyebrows at me, not at all swayed. "You realize her getting pregnant is the entire reason why Aly and I are even here, right?"

"… Screw you!"

Beck definitely looked like he had something to say to that, but he didn't get the chance to, because the front door opened behind me. When I turned around, I was greeted by the horrified faces of James and Jane Oliver, who looked even more appalled once they caught a glimpse of my nose.

Let the fireworks begin.


	33. Aly and Ursula don't get along

_For those of you at home who follow our tumblr pages (I hear doing so prevents heart failure), you might know that my lovely cowriter Cici is making a Q and A video, that she can hopefully post by Friday. Go to her page and ask about anything, whether it be about JGWI or BTS, or just about her personally. I love the silly videos she occasionally sends me, and I know you guys will love this one! :)_

_go to srzlysaywhaaaa . tumblr ask without those annoying spaces and leave her some questions. and don't ask her to show her boobs. I already did that._

_okay, I didn't. but now I might._

* * *

><p><em>"Loathing. Unadulterated loathing. For your face, your voice, your clothing. Let's just say, I loathe it all." Galinda and Elphaba, Wicked, What is this feeling?<em>

**Aly's POV**

You know one of those odd feelings, like when you have an itch and it feels so good to scratch it, but it also hurts when you do?

That's the best way I can describe the feeling I'm getting while watching my parents totally flip shit on New Gwendolyn here.

It's nice to see my mother yelling at someone else for a change, but it stings that Gwen is going to such great lengths to achieve it.

Now, at first, it didn't start out as yelling because really all Jane wanted to know was why there was gum on the hardwood floor. She started going on that it had just been waxed for my sweet sixteen party and that whoever was responsible for it was to clean it up at once.

So Gwen stepped forward, looked my mom straight in the eye and sneered, "You can't make me clean shit."

It was intense.

But like I said before, it takes a lot to impress me, and this definitely wasn't impressing me.

Cory's abs impress me. Gwen's little act does not.

But don't worry, Mom, I'll clean the gum up soon enough, because that's all I can stare at right now. It's pissing me off to no extent.

As yells of, 'what is that in your nose', 'what have you done to your clothes' and the oh so dramatic, 'what as parents did we do to deserve this' came out of our parents mouth, I needed to check the time.

I slid my Pear Phone out of my pocket and clicked the home button.

Damn. It's only 4:14 in the afternoon. Most families don't have this much drama until 5:30. I guess I'm just lucky to have an extra dramatic family.

Har-dee-har-har.

I'd really love to meet this Ursula chick so I can punch her in the tit for causing this New Gwen related mess. My headache was almost going away before she skankified my sister

and made all this yelling occur. The headache is back in full force.

You know, it's not even the good kind of skank. In my definition, the good kind of skank is the high heeled wearing, skirts that will flash all of California, double D's, low cut, see through shirts, stuff like that.

Gwen is like...a rebellious, biker chick now.

Good, because the skank position in the family is taken by yours truly, and I'm not even a skank.

I'm like a slut with self-respect.

Is it just me or lately have I been saying things that don't make any sense? "It's not my fault if you don't like the real me. Maybe you shouldn't have adopted me!" Gwen flipped some choppy bits of hair out of her face.

My mother took a deep breath and smiled. "I love you, Gwendolyn. If this is the real you, then I'll just have to accept that."

With that, she walked off, probably to go in the kitchen and eat and get fat. Preggo people like to eat, right? At least that chick on 16 and Pregnant did...

James waited until my mother was out of earshot and gave Gwen a stern look. "Your mother is only saying that because stress is bad for her. Gwen, do you know that if her stress levels get too high, she could have a miscarriage? Is that what you want?" He crossed his arms over his chest and Gwen took a step back.

Good move, Dad. Guilt trip her back into normality.

"Ugh. I'm going to my room. Why don't you do something productive and clean this shit up." She made it a point to step in her gum with her, I'm going to cry, gucci boot. Pushing past Beck and I, Gwen stomped up the stairs and slammed her door shut.

Awe. This is the kind of family time I enjoy most.

Beck glanced up the stairs and then back at James. "Uh, if it's alright with you, I'm gonna go see if Mom's okay."

"Good idea," James nodded. "Tell her I handled it."

Beck hesitated, but muttered an "Okay..." and headed off to wherever he supposed my mother had gone to.

My Dad's a complete liar. "Allison?" Oh, this should be good.

"Yes, daddy dear?"

"Handle this."

/ /

Organizing my shoe rack is much better time spent than trying to convince New Gwen that she needs to leave and bring Old Gwen back.

My James is the sweetest thing, isn't he? Telling me to handle this iGwentity theft situation.

Tell me that wasn't clever. Identity theft to iGwentity theft? That's chizzin' hilarious. Oh, Allison, you funny bitch, you.

Oh my God, Als, why would you put Alexander McQueen on the third shelf down? He obviously needs to be recognized at the top. Must change this immediately.

"Knock, knock." A sympathetic smiling brother was standing at my door, basically inviting himself in.

I returned his smile, even though Mr. McQueen's beautiful shoes should not be kept waiting, and got up from kneeling on the ground. "What's up? Is, uhm, mom alright?"

He nodded. "She's taking a nap. She said Gwen is just going through a phase." Insert shrug here.

"I hope that's all it is," I groaned. "Can you believe Dad wants me to handle it?"

Beck ran his fingers through his hair, "Well, I can actually. You are her older sister-"

"And you're her older brother." I interrupted.

"...Yeah but she'll probably listen to you better."

When has she ever. "I'll try. But I'm not making any promises."

Beck leaned down a bit to kiss my forehead, "Anyways, I just came up here to tell you that I'm going to Andre's for the night."

I grinned, because about a thousand gay jokes just popped into my head, but I'll leave them for later. "Have fun."

That's when Beck left. Or rather, that's when Beck escaped.

Ugh. How am I supposed to handle this?

I don't even know what I'm handling at this point.

Obviously, Gwen is doing this for attention. Even Cat could figure that out.

The attention which my parents are giving her. I must say, she looked pleased when she was being yelled at, so it's working.

I just wish I could understand what's going on in her smallish Gwen mind.

I mean, I'm mad and upset that my Mother is pregnant with a demon baby that rivals Bella Swan's, but you don't see me dying my hair and shit.

This is so messed up.

I alternated stares between my shoe rack and my bedroom door.

To go see New Gwen, or to not see New Gwen, that is the ultimate question in life.

Wah. I don't want to...but I must. For my family's sake.

I'll keep this house together, keep the plates all spinning, and the world will keep on spinning.

I may or may not have just stolen that line from a song in Next to Normal.

Shut up that play is so good, readers. Go out and see it. Or at least listen to the soundtrack.

I slipped my feet back into my minnetonka fuzzy slippers and took the few steps out of my room and found myself in front of Gwenny's bedroom.

It seems like only this morning we were in here, lying on the floor, hungover.

Then someone who shall remain nameless had to go and ruin it all.

Wow. Trying to say 'remain nameless' out loud has always been difficult for me. I always want to say, 'rename mainless' for some odd reason.

I'm going insane.

Knock, knock.

All of a sudden, the loud piercing noise Hollywood Undead blasted throughout the upstairs. Holy mother of little baby Jesus.

New Gwen opened the door and frowned, "Oh good, it's just you. Come in."

She hurried off to her Pear Home and quickly turned off the abomination that calls itself music. Eh. I wouldn't go as far as abomination, they're okay, but I only ever listen to two or three of their songs. "What was that?" I asked, pointing to her stereo system.

Gwen shrugged, "I thought you were Mom or Dad, and I wanted to piss them off by playing my badass music."

Ew. "Number one, that music is not badass. It's terrible. Number two, you don't even understand half the stuff they're talking about in the song you were just playing."

"It's whatever, Alisnob."

This is going to be harder than expected. "Can you please tell me what this is about?" I said, motioning to her new appearance minus her BAMF clothes.

Because even BAMF's have lounge clothes.

Gwen made this gross 'ugh scoff you annoy me' noise, "Look. I just wanna show Mom and Dad that if they're willing to make changes and go off and have a new baby, then I'm willing to make some changes to myself."

These are the changes you go with? "Well. That's interesting."

"Do you really not like it?" She asked, popping another piece of gum into her mouth. Reminds me that I have to go scrape that gum in the foyer...

I shook my head, "It's not that I don't entirely like it, it's just that it takes a lot to impress me. Still with that said," I stopped. "- is...is that my Las Vegas tee shirt?"

Oh my Bieber.

After lifting up what used to be a black tee shirt that said 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas', Gwen sheepishly flicked around a piece of her bright blue hair. "Well...I thought it

was a clever saying, so I-" Her face instantly changed from sheepish, into this 'learning not to give a shit' face, "I jacked it from you and cut the sleeves off and ripped the bottom off it. It's ten times better now."

"I'm going to be sick."

I got that tee shirt when the Hollywood Arts Dance team went for a competition there. Good times, very, very, good times.

Well. I'm done here. "Okay, New Gwen, I don't know what kind of pleasure you're getting out of this, but when Old Gwen decides to come back, call me."

Allison out, bitches.

/ /

Well wasn't yesterday fun?

No. No it was not.

My parents both went to work today because my mother stated that, "Pregnancy is no excuse to miss a day of work."

Whatever. I'd miss a day of work every day. If I had a job. But I don't 'cause I'm mostly lazy and too good for work.

Beck's not home from Andre's house either. He probably wants to stay there forever and I don't blame him.

I'd like to live somewhere else forever, too.

I haven't seen New Gwen this morning at all. I heard her take a shower, and then she left without word. Awesome.

So as of right now I have the house to myself. That's how Allison likes it.

LOLjk I don't like being alone very much, but it gives me opportunity to relax and do fun things.

Although my version of fun is a lot different than other peoples version of fun.

I smoothed out the bottom of my gray and yellow striped v-neck and leaned down to the bottom drawer of my desk. Inside there, you will find a little metal tin that's labeled 'Aly's

Dance Laces'.

First off, I'm gonna tell you that after every dance competition my team wins, I take the one of the laces out of the shoes I was wearing and put it in this tin as a reminder that I am a winner.

Totally wicked, I know. I try.

That's not exactly all you'll find in that tin.

What you'll find in there is exactly eight, well seven after today, round pale pink pills.

Oxycodone hydrochloride, otherwise known as oxycontin.

Now you're all thinking. What the actual chizz, Allison is a druggie.

No. I can't be. It's the number one rule when you're a dancer, because we get drug tested so often, to make sure we're not disgracing the name of dance itself.

Don't ask where or how I got these because I'm not telling you in case you readers decide to run off and tell my family or whatnot. Even though you won't because you barely ever answer me back. And by barely, I'm mean never.

After popping on into my mouth and taking a swig of water, I secured them back in the intertwines of my winning laces, and back into my drawer.

For those of you who don't know, oxy is supposed to be used as a pain reliever, but most teenagers use it as a way to feel relaxed and cut off from the world.

It induces extreme happiness and gives you a projected body feeling. It's fun.

That's literally what I need to be feeling right now.

Before my head gets a chance to detach from the rest of my body, I headed over to my bed and laid down.

The last time I took hillbilly heroin, I chewed it so it would last longer. But just in case Beck comes home, I took my chances with swallowing it.

Time for relaxation-

"Allison! Are you home!?" Why me I ask. Allison's not home at the moment, please leave a message after the beep.

Footsteps stomp, stomp, stomped up the stairs. "Hey, lazy. Get up. I want you to meet someone."

Act cool, Als. Cooler than you already are. I sat up and blinked as this older teenage girl stepped into my room with a combat boot. Next to her was Gwen, grinning at me like a fool.

"This is Ursula. The mini mart punk."

Ursula let out what only can be described as a manly giggle. "Mini mart punk? Now that's a nickname I can dig. Nice, G."

G? Isn't that what they called their butler on The Fresh Prince?

Gwendolyn smiled again and gave me this 'hahah I'm awesome' look. She leaned on my door frame with one arm above her head and one arm at the hem of her destroyed jeans, thumb looped through the belt loop.

Uh no that pose is only sexy if you name is Cory Alexander Edison, sorry. "I'd love to say it's nice to meet you, but I can't so I won't."

This is the chick that corrupted Gwendolyn, eh? "The feelings mutual." Ursula snuffed and whispered something in Gwen's ear. I don't know what it is and I really don't care.

Gwen just continued on smiling and smacking her gum.

If she spits that out anywhere that isn't a trash can, I'll strangle her right here.

"You got a light?" Ursula asked, pointing to her cigarette and hocking her gum into my waste basket.

Oh she's charming. It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

I rolled my eyes, "Oh sure. It's in my closet next to my special lamp that helps my pot grow."

Ursula raised a very pierced eyebrow that probably needs to be plucked, "Huh. I can see why Gwen calls you 'Alisnob.'"

Gwen calls me that outside the house?

Speaking of whom, she laughed. It wasn't a giggle, but a dark laugh. The laugh of someone who's pretending to be a badass. "Als, a thought crossed my mind,"

"Must have been a long and lonely journey." For that I received a mini glare. Could have been worse.

"If you'd let me finish my goddamn sentence, I was wondering if you'd want to go somewhere with us." She rolled her eyes and twirled her gum around her finger.

That's gross. "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV in a few minutes."

That's where the real Gwen comes in. She started to tear up...and I actually thought I should stop with my sassy comments.

But Ursula noticed Gwen's lack of confidence all of a sudden, "Hold on, Gwen. Listen up, Barbie. You need to stop acting like a total bitch and actually listen to your sister for once." Ursula stepped up closer to me and I'm so glad I hang out with Jade on a regular basis and know how to handle situations like this.

I stood up off my bed, and there was the swimming head thing. Woah. "Keep talking, Ursula. Someday, you'll say something intelligent."

"Do you wonder what life would be like if you had my foot up your ass?"

"Do you wonder what life would be like if you had been given enough oxygen at birth?"

The look on this grunge imposter's face was priceless. Also a little bit scary considering her eye shadow was about three different colors and she obviously didn't use any primer on her lids. Tsk. "Alright, blondie. You're three seconds away from getting decked. You're all talk and no walk."

"Urs! Stop." Gwen grabbed Ursula's forearm and pulled her back. "Aly, we just wanted to know if you wanted to get your bellybutton pierced with me. I thought you'd be cool about

Ursula."

...

I do want my bellybutton pierced.

/ /

The drive to Sink the Ink was long and annoying.

Honestly, Ursula just seems like the kind of person that sets low personal standards for themselves and then consistently fails to achieve them.

If you can't tell. We don't get along.

It doesn't help that the Oxy isn't really wearing off as fast as I'd hoped and instead of driving, it felt like I was gliding.

That part was fun.

But I couldn't even enjoy it because I had spikey haired mungaloid on the other side of Gwen constantly glaring and sneering.

I was fine about another needle piercing my skin, and it was going to be a lot easier with Blue's help, but when we actually got there in the chair, it was terrible.

I sort of felt like a third wheel, too. Gwen and Ursula seemed to be having fun being all rebel together and hear I was in not destroyed Hollister shorts and a normal shirt and high heels.

I still looked damn good, though.

"You ready?" Margo asked, playing around with the piercing gun. Oh man.

I looked at Gwen who raised her eyebrow at me. She already had her shirt up and her navel swabbed. "Uh, I-"

Ursula tapped my shoulder and smirked. "Come on, Allison. You can't be that much of a pussy."

She did NOT just call me that.

Ugh I hate that word.

I looked over at Gwen who clearly was pretending she didn't hear it.

Thanks, sis. "Fine. I'll do it."

Lifting up my shirt, the lady swabbed my navel area with the alcohol and prepped her needle.

I'll just be shutting my eyes now.

It's quicker than a tattoo, Als. Bellybutton piercings are hot, and you're hot so it's an addition to your hotness.

"Wow, Barbie, all that throwing up sure did your stomach good."

LOL say what now.

I opened my eyes and shot the corrupter of sisters a look, "How did you know about that," I breathed.

Ursula grinned, "You just told me." Goddamnit. "Besides you just took me for that sort of scarf and barf chick."

Oh because that wasn't offensive at all. I wonder if her parents ever asked her to run away...

Margo approached my belly button closer and closer...

Hah. Shows how much Urs knows.

I never 'scarfed'.


	34. the shopping trip

_"I haven't gone completely insane, but it might happen soon."_

_-Megan Fox_

**Aly's POV**

Somehow, after Gwen and I got our respective naval piercings, she and Ursula convinced me to go with them to the mall. Well, Gwen did. Ursula just kind of sneered when Gwen invited me, all like 'ooooh look at me I'm Ursula Who-Cares-What-My-Last-Name-Is and I'm a grungy bitch.'

The piercing adventure didn't help us bond.

If anything, it just made me hate her more.

We rode there in her rusty gray Oldsmobile. The back seat has at least three months' worth of fast food wrappers and three years' worth of empty cigarette cartons.

Guess where I got to sit.

Hell, I would've rather sat there than in the passenger's seat. That's where Gwen is, and she's getting the turquoise eyeliner and poison berry eye shadow blown off of her face from the freakish music Ursula was blaring through her speakers. I would have told Ursula to turn the Black Veil Brides down, as I'm allergic to shitty music, but I tried to avoid talking to her at all costs, because I feel like taking a bath after every time I do talk to her.

Besides, she was steering with one hand and holding out a new cigarette for Gwen to light up for her with another. She looked a little busy.

As a song that sounded exactly like the first one started playing, I lifted up my t-shirt a bit to look at my new piercing. Are you imagining one of those boring old silver things?

WELL STOP.

Allison Oliver does not do boring. You all should know this by now. But what you don't know is what I actually got, so I'll be nice and tell you. It has a red gem at the end, but that's not all. Off that, dangles an extremely sexy charm, one that depicts cherries. Why cherries, you ask?

If you have to ask, you're obviously not cool enough to know the answer. So you're not getting it.

But let it be known that I am in love with it and that it was the only good thing about this little adventure. Unless Beck finds out and gets all Beck about it. Then this day will have been a total bust.

The rest of the ride was uneventful. I wanted to text Cory, but he told me at my party that he and his family were going for a little trip to San Francisco for two days, so he was busy.

I'd rather be in San Francisco than here.

Hell, I'd rather be in a locked room with Robbie after he ate too much gluten than here.

So let's skip the rest of the ride and just go to the part with the mall. Because I like the mall.

I'm surprised Ursula is the kind of person who would want to go to a mall. I figured she'd just go to Goodwill and steal the filthy pieces of scraps people drop off there when they want a tax exemption but don't want to donate anything of value.

Then again, the mall does have a Hot Topic.

Which Gwen made us go in first. Wah.

I guess Hot Topic isn't all bad. Gwen used to drag me in there to get Invader Zim merchandise, even though she was like five when that show was on. But they do have Adele t-shirts. Who doesn't love Adele?

Apparently Ursula, because she did this gross snort-scoff thing when she saw me pick it up. "I'm sure snuff makes it hard to breathe properly, but if you could at least try not to do that slurp thing, I'd really appreciate it." I rolled my eyes and shot her a glare.

Ursula completely ignored that and my statement. "Y'know, there are some Justin Bieber shirts over there." She pointed over to the section that had the less horrifying stuff. "That seems more like your speed."

I think she just called me a lesbian.

She walked away before I could make a rebuttal, so I just tossed the Adele shirt down and walked over to the other side of the store. There was Twilight stuff over there, which I could hide under the Harry Potter stuff.

It's not the first time Harry Potter would top Twilight. What what.

As I stuffed one of the Robert Pattinson shirts under a Slytherin shirt, I shot a glance back over at my sister and her mentor, or whatever the hell she's supposed to be to Gwen. When my sister held up a Charlie the Unicorn shirt, ugh I hate those videos, Ursula just sort of shook her head in disapproval. And get this.

She took the shirt from her, picked up a black fringe crop top with a huge red studded heart in the middle, and handed it to her. Gwen just nodded like an obedient little puppy.

Oh. I see how it is. My sister has to get your approval for everything, huh, Urs? Yeah, that's pretty friggin' rebellious.

And my hatred grows.

/ /

So many stores, so little time.

LOLjk, this has been the longest, most horrifying mall trip of my life.

Ursula's taste in clothing makes me want to cry and vomit at the same time. Everything she picked up was either ripped, studded, or just plain horrifying. And New Gwen went back to Old Gwen in small flashes, such as when she picked out a few tank tops for me to try on or when I caught her longingly looking at a blue belted tube top that not at all fit in with the wardrobe involving her new 'lifestyle'. It's only more proof that this is all a desperate cry for attention. I can't decide if it's pathetic or heart-breaking.

And they kept wandering off from me and would come back minutes later and kept shopping around. Whatever.

Gwen and Ursula didn't even buy anything. That's so weird. Gwen saw so many things that she 'liked', and she always has been loose with her money. You'd think she'd be even crazier about it now, since using the credit card my parents gave her a while ago for 'emergencies only' would wazz them off to no end, but all she and Ursula got were two hobo bags from Hot Topic.

What's also weird is that I didn't even see them pay for them. They just walked up and said they were ready to go. Stupid ninja Gwen and her ninja shopping.

And we seriously picked a bad day to go to the mall. All of the alarm systems to the store kept going off at the weirdest times.

Ah well. I got a new pair of suede ankle boots out of this day. It wasn't a total bust.

By the time we got home, I just wanted to get the hell away from Gwen's new little friend. The little pill I took before had done absolutely nothing to make my day with her any more pleasant, so that really does say something about Ursula I-Still-Don't-Know-Her-Last-Name.

"Shit, my dogs are barkin'," Ursula groaned, tossing her bag in the foyer and heading into the kitchen. Gwen dropped her bag on the bottom step and followed her. Um, shouldn't Gwen be leading her into her kitchen?

No, of course not. Because my sister is now apparently Ursula's darkly dressed slave.

Holy crap, this chick is now in my kitchen, getting her emo germs all over the breakfast bar. Now I'll have to scrub the entire kitchen down.

Good thing I was planning on doing that anyway.

"You want anything, Urs?" Gwen asked as she routed through the fridge.

"Yeah." She glanced over at me, as I was standing in the doorway since I didn't want to sit down next to her or leave here and my sister alone to destroy anything. "I want Blondie to stop looking at me like I'm gonna rip my clothes off and start humping everything like a goddamn dog."

Leaning against the entrance, I crossed my arms and muttered, "Oh please. Like you're a stranger to humping in places you've only been to once."

Gwen stepped between us before Ursullen could even get out of her seat. "Guys, come on. Try to act civil."

"'Civil' is not something you're s'posed to be aiming for, G," Ursula grumbled before snatching one of the water bottles out of her hands.

Sure, don't thank her for that or anything.

Not that I would have if she had gotten it for me, but Gwen's my sister. Manners don't apply to family.

But why didn't Gwen get me one? She knows I'm too lazy to do things for myself. Hmph.

I brushed past them to get my own damn drink, and as I did, I heard the front door open and two sets of footsteps enter the house. Gwen didn't bother to look and see who it was, so she just loudly blurted out, "C'mon Ursula, let's go outside and smoke drugs and talk about how much I hate my parents."

I peeked out the kitchen door and told her, "It's not Mom and Dad."

"… Shit."

What's she upset about? That freakish outburst just made her whole charade even more obvious than it was before.

It was most certainly not my parents. No, instead it was Beck and Andre, which was weird, because I was pretty sure Beck was going to move in with him so he could avoid scary Gwen and make out with Andre.

I like to pretend that they do that when nobody else is around. Because they totally do.

I just know it.

Once the two secret gay lovers were in the kitchen, Ursula and Gwen were seated on the other side of breakfast bar and I looked over at said gay lovers. "What are you guys doing here?"

Beck gestured to our sister and said, "Andre didn't believe me."

Judging by the fact that Andre was too busy giving Gwen 'omg wtf' eyes to even notice anybody else was there with her, I'm guessing that was the truth.

After absorbing the fact that there was another frightening girl sitting next to her, my brother gave me a look that basically said, 'lol whoz that betch'. If Beck talked like that. Which I wish he did.

"What in the name of gravy happened to her?" Andre stage-whispered, still looking like he didn't believe that the blue-haired skank was Gwen.

"Beck didn't tell you what happened?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but how does your mom being pregnant lead to… that?"

To that, Beck just shrugged. "My mom says it's just a phase."

"I say it's just freaking crazy." I rolled my eyes and went back to looking in the fridge for a water bottle. Gwen took the last of them. Balls.

Gwen had been too busy talking to Ursula, probably about her career as a prostitute for people with a fetish for getting burned with cigarettes or something, to notice Andre until that moment. "Oh. Hey, 'Dre." Gwen nodded in a 'sup' sort of way, got off her barstool and walked around the bar. "How's it hangin'?"

Dude, that sounded so white.

"Uh… So, uh…" Andre was at a loss for words. That's made pretty obvious by the look on his face. "This is a …new look, huh?"

Gwen looked down at her tattered clothes, as if she had forgotten she was wearing them, and nonchalantly said, "Oh, yeah. Figured it was time for a li'l self-discovery. You like?"

"Uh…"

"I'mma take your stunned silence as a yes." Gwen smirked, chomped the gum I hadn't even realize she had popped into her mouth, and looked back at the sister corruptor. "We still goin' to your place?"

"Yeah, you bet." Ursula left he barely touched water bottle, damn her, on the counter and walked over to join my sister. "Who's the guy with the fluffy hair and his friend who's apparently never seen two girls with multicolored hair before?"

"Oh right, you all haven't met." Gwen gestured between the three of them and said, "Beck's my brother and Andre's his best friend. Guys, this is my new friend Ursula."

"Uh, hi." Andre was the one who said that. Beck said nothing to her, since I'm sure he likes her about as much as I do for turning my sister into this blue-haired creature that claims to be her. "You look kinda familiar. You go to Hollywood Arts?"

Ursula shook her head. "Nah. You have to have talent to go there. Hot wiring a car isn't one of the talents they're looking for."

Gwen let out another one of those amateur dark laughs and gestured for Ursula to come on. "We'll see you guys later. I won't be home for a while."

"Gwen, what are you-" Gwen and Ursula walked down the hallway before Beck could finish that question. "Okay, sure, that's cool," Beck said with just a hint of sarcasm, walking over to the fridge.

"Man… There's a girl that can't handle bad news." Andre shook his head and sat down on one of the barstools. "I swear though, that Ursula chick looked familiar."

"You've probably seen her on the news before knocking off a liquor store or something," I muttered, scratching some dried ranch sauce off of the counter. It's like nobody in this house knows how to use a damn paper towel.

"Nah, it's just something about her face," Andre said, accepting the can of Wahoo Punch Beck gave to him. "Like, she at least looks like someone I know."

"Like a person who knocks off liquor stores?" I shot Andre a quick smirk before sitting down next to him.

I guess Gwen went to the bathroom down the hall to change, because she came out with Ursula a few minutes later wearing the studded heart cropped top I mentioned before. I didn't know she got that. "Don't wait up, guys," she called out to us as she and Ursula walked out the front door.

Did Beck not see the spikey purple and white rubbery belly button ring poking out through the fringe of her top? Where is the fury?

Guess that area wasn't exactly the first place he was looking. Bah.

Mere seconds after they left, Andre snapped his fingers and said, "Hannelore Schmidt."

"Gesundheit."

As I grasped Ursula's water bottle with an oven mitt to avoid catching bitchitis and chucked it in the trash, Andre shook his head. "No, Hannelore Schmidt was my old piano teacher. She's one of the most successful musicians in Los Angeles and she's only nineteen years old."

"… And why are you telling us this?"

"Oh right." Andre sheepishly smiled before adding, "That's who that terrifying chick looks like. For real, they have the same eyes, the same face… What's Ursula's last name?"

Ugh, how should I know? Don't you think that if I knew what her last name was, I would keep calling her Ursula Who-Cares-What-My-Last-Name-Is?

Then again, I don't think Andre reads these. How rude of him. Gwen and I work hard on them.

"I guess I could text Gwen and ask her. She probably knows now that she and Ursula are bee eff effs and all now." I rolled my eyes and pulled out my PearPhone so I could type out a quick text. All I got in reply was a faint beep from the other room.

Ugh. Gwen forgot her phone. Or she purposefully left it here so our parents couldn't contact her so they'd be worried sick or some shit like that.

"Seriously, Gwen?" I walked out into the foyer and over to Gwen's new bag, which she also forgot. And it looks like Ursula forgot hers too.

Huh. I didn't notice it before, but they look pretty full. Considering they didn't buy anything that did indeed make me suspicious.

I am not a terrible person for looking through her bags. I am a concerned sister.

And it's not like it's even her stuff. All these items of clothing and jewelry still have the goddamn security tags on them.

I'm sad to inform you lovely readers that Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver is now a shoplifter.

It's probably bad that I'm not as saddened by that as I am by the fact that she stole all this stuff yet she didn't even offer to steal the stuff I paid for.


	35. you know

_"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," Eleanor Roosevelt_

**Gwen's POV**

It took us about fifteen minutes to get from my house to Ursula's house in Melrose Hill. She mostly just listened to music that would bust out non rebel peoples ear drums and pounded on her steering wheel the whole way there.

So obviously car rides are not for talking when you're a rebel and there's music to be listening to.

Which is good because I don't normally talk to other people in the car, unless Aly and I are having discussions. Or arguments about where pink lemonade comes from.

I've never seen a pink lemon.

It was also good because I got some time to think to myself. About shopping, or rather shoplifting, and the cute shirts I wanted to buy while I was there.

Ursula just gave me looks in the store and pointed out things that I should want.

So maybe there's a price to pay during this whole rebellious thing. I've never been one to not fully be myself...

Whatever. What's done is done. We stole some shit and got out of there without Aly totally murdering Ursula, or vice versa.

Speaking of shoplifting, I mean, it's not that it felt good or anything, it just felt different. We didn't get caught, so I guess that's okay. Even though I would have loved to get caught and seen the look on my parents face.

Muaha.

Ursula fumbled around for her key in her bag and finally pulled it out to unlock the door. "Well, here ya' are."

First off, her house isn't small, but it isn't as big as mine. Not saying that my house is an Edison mansion or anything, but you don't really find houses near Hollywood Hills that are average sized.

Secondly, the interior of the house wasn't nearly as classic looking as our house, but still managed to look decent.

I smiled, "Your house is nice," trying to be nice.

"Don't lie."

Oh. Well. I wasn't lying, but I'll laugh it off. Ursula doesn't normally like when I backtalk.

Ursula threw her bag on a little table in the small foyer and I noticed a family looking picture above it. I said nothing, though.

I don't want to ask too many questions at first, because she might kick me out for being annoying or something.

Gwen doesn't like to be kicked out of others houses.

Although...I would like to know what her family is like, you know, to make her be bad ass all the time. Maybe they're completely like mine. Or maybe they're completely different.

I may be a transitioning bad ass, but I'm still nosy.

Urs led me to her living room and motioned to the couch, "I'm gonna go grab a beer. You want one?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

I hesitated. I don't think I've ever had like, beer. I've had much stronger alcohol, so a beer should be nothing compared to a pink squirrel. I nodded, "Yeah. Thanks."

She turned on a heel and walked out. Now I shall survey the living room.

There's the leather couch I'm sitting on now, two leather reclining chairs in the corner on the east wall under a big bay window, and a TV on the wall adjacent to the entrance of said room.

On both sides of the couch there are light stained wooden tables. One of them had a picture frame with a picture in it similar to the one in the foyer.

There was an older woman, two brunettes, a girl who looked a little older than Kellan, a boy who looked about twenty or so, and Ursula. That must be her mother, sister and brother, obviously.

Where's her Dad, then?

I shrugged it off and looked at the frames on the wall above the TV. There were several certificates of achievement, including a med school acceptance letter, a UCLA graduation certificate and several music awards.

Huh. It almost reminds me of Beck's acting awards, Aly's dance trophies and my art awards and trophy.

But, one of those frames must belong to Ursula, right?

"Gwen? Goddamnit, what have I said about spacing out?" Snap. Snap. Snap.

Oh hey, Urs, snapping your fingers in front of my face.

I felt my face grow hot and I blinked a few times. "Sorry," I took the open beer out of her hand and grinned sheepishly. "I was just looking-"

"At those? Don't worry. Everyone does." Her tone was angry and I felt like I'd done something wrong.

I swirled the yellow liquid in the bottle and put the top to my lips. Taking a swig, I made a face that I hoped my mentor didn't see.

This. Is. Disgusting.

It tastes like sweat, sausage and olives. Those are three things that aren't welcome in drinking form. They also aren't permitted to enter Gwendolyn's mouth and hit her taste buds

all at the same time.

Bleh.

The next few moment were somewhat uncomfortable, as Ursula wasn't saying anything, but just blankly staring at the frames above the TV with a scowl.

I waved my hand in front of her face. "Stop, Gwen." She slapped it away.

"Sorry," I apologized again. "But- are you okay? I mean,-"

Ursula put her hands up to stop me. "It's not your fault. It's theirs." She picked up the frame with the family photo on it. "This is my brother and sister." Urs pointed to the boy, "That's Nikolas." To the girl, "and that's Hannelore." The disgust dripping from her voice as she uttered their names was almost as awful as this beer.

She tossed the frame onto the coffee table in front of us and put her feet on top of it, shuffling down further into the couch. "They're just so freaking perfect. I hate it."

I wanted to say something. Anything. But I just thought it would be better for it to explain it to me at her own pace.

"You'd think as the youngest I got loads of attention growing up, right? Well. You're dead wrong. It's their fault, too. Like I said. It was always Hannelore this and Niko that." She groaned.

I took another swig, gross, and put the bottle on the table. "But, I don't understand. Why did they get so much attention?"

Ursula sighed, "Because. Lore is a musical prodigy or some shit. Music is her thing. She started playing piano when she was three without even knowing what she was doing. Everyone just freaking loved her. Ugh, and don't even get me started on my brother." She threw her head up against the back of the couch. "He was like, the most popular kid in his grade. He was captain of the football team and everyone wanted to be his best friend. Niko graduated from UCLA two years early, because of course not only was he popular but smart. Now he's in med school. Far away from me."

"So those awards and stuff?"

"All them. None of me. I, uh, don't really have a thing, if you haven't noticed. Unless there's an award for stealing shit, I'm pretty much normal." Ursula paused to take a large gulp of alcohol. For the first time, I think I'm seeing a much more vulnerable side of her. "You know...no matter how much I try, they'll always be better than me and my mom will always like them better."

A large knot formed in my stomach.

Because that's how I feel sometimes. You know, compared to Aly and Beck. I mean, they're both so popular. Aly's gorgeous and gets hit on constantly and has big boobs and is a talented dancer.

Beck is one of the best actors in Hollywood Arts and is the guy every girl wants.

Their lives are pretty much set for them.

I've got talent, too. Don't get me wrong. I know I'm a really good artist. It's just...is it bad that sometimes I think that's not enough? I'm not exactly popular and my boobs are really

tiny.

"I wish they'd both drop dead."

Okay. So I don't exactly feel that way about my siblings.

/ /

So, Ursula's house was fun.

We drank beer and I helped her get the security tags off all the stolen merchandise she, well, stole.

But...she got a text and groaned about how her mom was coming home. So in conclusion I had to leave.

She said it was because she didn't feel like getting yelled at for giving beer to other underage children.

You know, that's not why I think she did it.

Not to scorn my mentor or anything...but I think any chance she gets to have her mom alone with her is really important.

Not that I would know anything about that at this moment in time, seeing how my mom is a pregnant monster with a little baby monster inside her.

So here I am walking into my house awaiting to be thwarted by my parents yells of 'oh you're still dressed like that'. But there weren't any.

They weren't home when I wanted them to be again. Awesome.

The less I see of them the better. Well, actually the more I see of them in my bad ass attire is good. Whateveskies.

I threw my bag- wait. I didn't bring a bag with me, because I bought one at the mall and put the stolen-

Oh. Sugar. Honey. Iced. Tea. I mean, oh shit.

One of them had to have found it and is totally waiting for the right moment to pounce on me and scream at me. "Beck? Aly?"

I'll get to them before they can get to me. "Gwen?"

That would be Beck. I followed the sound of his voice to the living room and crossed my arms. "Where's my bag?"

Beck flicked through the channels, not glancing at me. Wow someone's not good enough to look me in the eye whilst talking to me. "Oh, Als said she put it in your room."

Aly put it in my room? That means she knows. But apparently Beck doesn't. "Oh. Where is she?"

"Hanging out with Tori."

What.

The silence finally made Beck look up at my shocked face. Allison does not just hang out with Tori willy nilly.

He nodded as if he was confirming what he just said, "She said something about how Tori was complaining on the Slap that Trina wasn't helping clean the house..." Beck shrugged.

Cleaning? What is her deal with the cleanliness act? Aly has been scrubbing every inch of this house ever since we found out my mom was preggo. "Oh."

Beck resituated himself in an upright position and sighed. "Gwen, when are you gonna, you know, start acting normal again?"

Ugh. This again? "Look. Beck. I don't care if no one else in this house approves of this look. I'm not looking for anyone's approval."

"Really? 'Cause it kinda seems like you're looking for it. Just not the good kind."

"Beck. Stop being so philosophical." I crossed my arms and gave him a dirty look. "You and Aly are just jealous that I found someone else to be a decent older sibling!" I yelled, making a reference to Ursula.

My brother stood up and raised his eyebrow, "What are you talking about? Aly and I are pretty good older siblings."

I shook my head, "No! I've finally found someone who understands what it's like to be...average." I whispered the final word.

"What are you talking about?"

But I didn't answer. Because I couldn't.

I can't explain to people how I feel. But like I said, sometimes I just feel so inferior to Beck and Aly.

I have to work so hard on my artwork for it to be perfect enough for submission. Beck just acts perfectly. Aly just dances perfectly.

I'll always have to work for what I want. Everything they want is going to come to them.

As I was just about to walk up the oak stairs to lock myself in my room and draw out my feelings, a very Aladdin hand grabbed my arm, "Gwen, wait,"

"What!" I snapped.

"David called."


	36. gotta catch 'em all

_Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else. -Judy Garland_

**Gwen's POV**

Do you think David has a secret bad girl fetish? I kind of hope so, 'cause I didn't really consider what he would think when I went through with this whole skank thing.

Maybe he'll like it.

Or maybe he'll hate it and break up with me and then I'll die.

Except rebels are supposed to be invincible and not go to pieces when their boyfriends leave them after they turn into rebels. And then they're supposed to have meaningless sex with boys who wear their jeans under their butts and then the bad girls always blame their fathers for it.

That's how it goes on TV.

But this isn't television, is it?

Apparently not, 'cause here I am, on the front step of David's porch and not on a flat screen TV.

I managed to walk there that time, unlike last time when I got lost like a dope and Austin had to drive me there. Austin probably wouldn't have recognized me now anyway. He's not that bright.

Ugh, thank God Kimiko and Shin's cars are both gone. I really didn't want to have them asking 'david wtf happened to your lil girlfriend she looks liek shit now' or something.

And I still sorta like them and don't want them to think their son's girlfriend is going to give him drugs or herpes and make him break up with me.

Not unless David beats them to the punch.

Hey, I've been standing here for a while. I should probably ring the doorbell if I want David to answer.

Damn, Austin answered it. And he's looking me up and down like I'm a piece of meat. Or a piece of crap. "Uh, hey there. Are you the stripper-gram my friend Jack keeps saying he's gonna send me?"

What. "No. Austin, it's me. Gwen. Your brother's girlfriend." I crossed my arms and stood there as he squinted at me and titled his head.

Sheesh, I don't look that different.

Okay, I do.

"Oh… Yeah." Austin nodded, the gears in his almost empty head finally moving again. Told you he wouldn't know it was me at first. "Sorry, I didn't recognize you for a sec. You actually look kind of hot."

Uh, thanks. I guess. Not that I'm gonna say that out loud or anything. "Uh huh, whatever. Look, David called me before and I wanted to talk to him in person. Is he here?"

"Yeah, sure." Austin stepped away from the doorway and walked to the staircase so he could shout, "Dave, your frightening and suddenly attractive girlfriend is here!"

Yeah, thanks, Austie. That makes a girl feel good.

He walked off, probably to his dad's office to eat paste or something, so I stomped in and waited at the bottom of the steps for David. And I totally wasn't nervous about what he'd say or do. Because I am only supposed to feel the emotion that is badass, remember?

I've got to admit, as he walked down the steps and into the foyer, David didn't look as shocked as I thought he would. He didn't look all la di da about it, but he didn't throw holy water in my face or anything. "Wow. She said it was different, but…"

She? Who is this she? "What the hell are you talking about?" I raised an eyebrow at him as he rested a hand on the end of the railing.

"Uh, Aly texted me before," David said, staying a good two feet away from me. "She told me about your mom and what you were up to. Honestly, I thought she was just joking about this new look of yours."

Ugh. Allisnob, why can't you mind your own business.

"Okay, I don't know what my sister told you, but you need to hear my side of the story."

And that's what he heard.

/ /

"So, uh, let me see if I've got this right." We had gone into the living room by that point and we were lounging on the couch. I had told him my tale, but he didn't seem very impressed by it. On top of that, David hasn't touched me once. No steamy kisses, no arm around my shoulder, not even any hand holding. What the eff.

I guess that's for the best. Hand holding isn't badass.

"Let's see if you do."

"Your parents announced they're having another kid, so with the help of some punk rock chick you met at a mini mart, you got back at them by, y'know, looking like… this." David gestured to my hair and pierced nose and ripped clothes and all that chizz.

"It's not just my parents and their demon fetus, David," I told him, kicking my combat boots up on the coffee table and leaning back farther into the couch. "The teen years are supposed to be ones of discovery, right? Maybe I've discovered a new me. If my parents can just up and change my family's lives, why can't I change mine?"

David just sighed to that. "Gwen, come on. We've been dating for a while now. I know you." He leaned closer, arm rested on the back of the couch, but still got nowhere near me. "This is new, but it isn't you."

If the new me wasn't so cool, I would totally chuckle at that accidental rhyme score.

"Babe, people change. It's a fact of life." I picked a lint ball off my yellow and black zebra print tank top and flicked it onto the ground. "It's just a new look. I don't see the big deal."

David nodded and leaned back again, but didn't look all that convinced. "Aly's text didn't say much, but what she said made it seem like you changed more than just your looks."

That made my mini scowl disappear for a moment. Did she tell him about my mall-wide five finger discount sale?

I guess not, or else he probably would have mentioned it by now.

"David…" I inched closer to him and gently caressed his cheek with the tips of my fingers. It felt good to finally touch him, even if it was just his cheek. The adorable look on his face really made me want to rip out my itchy belly button piercing and return all the clothes I stole, but Ursula said I can't let my guard down no matter what. "It's still me inside, baby. Just… Just think of this as an improv exercise."

Okay, that's not really keeping my guard up. But I didn't outright deny my new skankitude or anything.

David looked hesitant, but once he caught that I was still wearing his ring, I think that made him believe I was still Gwen deep down. And that's when he finally let me kiss him. Yay.

But then he pulled away. Boo.

"No, I... I can't do this."

"Yeah, you can. You were doing a pretty good job before you-"

"No, not that," David said, gently pushing me off of him and back onto the couch. "Gwen, one of the things I love most about you is that you're always yourself, no matter what. You don't change who you are for anyone, and you don't let the little things get you down."

"You call my mother having a devil child a 'little thing'? I'd like to see your idea of a fiasco," I muttered, scooting away from him a bit.

"You... I think... Look, is this about more than just the baby? Is something else bothering you?"

My face scrunched at that question. "How am I supposed to respond to that?"

David looked uncomfortable talking about this, but that sure didn't stop him. "I mean, I just kind of thought you'd be excited to have a younger sibling."

"Yeah, well, I'm not." I turned away from him. Unless he starts making out with me again, I don't want anything to do with him at the moment. "And there's nothing else behind this either. Knock it off with the Doctor Phil shit."

Silence.

"Maybe you should go."

I want the silence back.

"David... No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that."

David doesn't look like David right now. I've never seen the look on his face that he has right now and quite frankly, I never want to see it again. "Yeah, I know the old Gwen wouldn't have meant that. It's the new Gwen I have a problem with." David stood up and started walking back to the staircase without even sparing me a glance over the shoulder. But he did leave me with a few parting words.

"When my amazing girlfriend comes back, tell her I'll be waiting for her with open arms."

... Okay, he didn't actually break up with me. He never said that we were over. He said we could still be together.

So why does my heart feel like it's in seventeen million pieces?

/ /

Stupid boyfriend and his stupid lack of acceptance toward my new blue-haired lifestyle.

David basically kicked me out of his house because the new me pissed him off, so that's why I'm currently fighting the lump in the back of my throat and strolling back home.

Except 'strolling' doesn't exactly sound bad to the ass, what what.

So I guessing I was... swaggering. Was that better?

Uuggh, this stupid navel piercing itches like a bitch. I wanna take it out, but Margo says I can't for, like, twenty years. Or something along those lines. I wasn't exactly paying attention when she told me that part.

I wonder how James and Jane will react when they see the spiky purple and white ball coming out of my belly button. I bet they'll blow a friggin' gasket.

Awesome. It'll totally ruin Canada Day for them tomorrow.

Through all the stuff that's happened over the past few days, I almost forgot tomorrow was Canada Day. My family's probably going to try and do something to celebrate. I don't know why I should bother with it. They're all from Canada. I'm not. I was born here in LA to a mother that didn't even want me.

Shit. I've been trying to forget about Naomi for weeks. I was doing a pretty good job until my adoptive mother announced she was pregnant and Aly listed off the problems with Jane's current children and said I'm messed up because I'm adopted and stuff.

It really made me mad. Mostly because I knew she was probably right and I don't like it when Aly's right about my shortcomings.

But how could I not be messed up by that? Some poor little kids only get abandoned by one mother in their lifetime. I'm lucky enough to get tossed by two. I win the mama drama lottery.

Whoopie.

Ugh, Naomi. I can't believe my parents tried to force me into meeting her. She didn't want me, so why the hell would she want to meet me? And why would I ever want to meet her?

She probably wouldn't like the new Gwen anyway. She didn't even try to like the old Gwen.

Though she did want to meet me. I guess that showed a little effort on her part.

Doesn't mean there needs to be any on mine.

You know what else is pathetic? Jane programmed her number into my phone. "Just in case you change your mind, or you want some closure. She'd really like to get to know you," she had said after handing me back my PearPhone. I just sort of shrugged and went back to watching Glee.

Ursula says I'm not allowed to watch Glee anymore. But that's not the point.

The number's still on my phone. I don't know why I haven't deleted it yet. I don't want to call her. I don't want to hear her voice. I don't want to look at her. I don't even want to think about her.

But once I start, it's hard to stop.

I thought about her before I learned the truth. Not much, but enough. I wondered what she looked like, what her voice sounded like, if she was nice or smelled like petunias and shit. I also used to pretend that maybe my mother, like, died protecting newborn me from terrorists or maybe she had to give me up because she was a super-secret spy and she didn't want me to end up in a hostage negotiation.

Naomi is not a terrorism victim or a spy. She's a teen mother who gave her own baby up and works as a cashier at a Chinese restaurant.

I leaned on the hood of a car in front of a house about a block away from the Oliver abode and pulled out my cell phone. Now's as good a time as any to rid my phone of her stupid number.

There it is. Naomi Duncan. Time to delete.

Come on, the little red button is there on the screen. Tap it. Tap it.

I tapped on cancel instead.

Either I have bad aim when it comes to tapping or...

No, no, I'm just bad at tapping. There's no second option.

... Yes there is. Maybe David was right. Maybe this is about more than the baby.

Or maybe not.

I should text him anyway.

**New Message to David**

_baby, im sorry. i love you._

That was so lame, but I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I sent it. David knows by now that I'm lame.

I guess no amount of makeup or blue hair dye can cover that up.

"Gwen?"

Oh God more people. I just want to be left alone right-

Oh, it's just Jade. That's cool.

After tucking my phone away, I looked up and saw my brother's girlfriend staring at me with a blank expression. She must have come out of the house I'm in front of. "What were you doing in that house?"

"You don't need to know that."

Uhm, okay.

"If you'd get your ass off my car, I could give you a ride to your place," Jade said, shrugging. "I was on my way there anyway."

Oh, this is the car Jade borrows from her mom every now and then. I didn't realize that because I was too busy being a weenie.

"Uh, sure. Whatever." I walked over to the passenger's seat and after she got in, she started driving away.

Jade didn't say anything at first, and I thought it was going to be like riding with Ursula, but she decided to break the silence. "I thought Beck was joking when he told me you about your new image."

Why do people keep saying that?

I smirked, kicking my combat boots up on the dashboard. I've decided kicking my feet up on stuff looks cool. "Yeah, I figured it was time for something new. You like?"

"You look retarded."

LOLwut.

I mean, what the mother sluttin' hell?

"For serious?" I raised an eyebrow at Jade, who was looking at the road and not me, because she didn't want us to crash or whatever. "I thought you of all people would approve of this look."

Jade barely shrugged at that. "Don't get me wrong, it's a good look, but it looks stupid on you. It's like Robbie dressing up as a rapper or Trina dressing up as someone who doesn't suck."

I'm not talking to her anymore. She's being a gank.

"So, why are you going to my house?"

Damn.

"To try and get your brother in the sack."

… Okay, that's more than a sister wants to know.

"Any reason why?"

Jade let out a huff. "Because when he found out your mom was knocked up, he cancelled Role Play Wednesday on me, and I'm getting my money's worth out of the goddamn Ash and Pikachu costumes I rented if it kills me."

Oh sweet baby Jesus.

That is the most horrifying image I have ever imagined.

I guess I looked pretty freaked out, because she just said, "What? I'm running out of ideas and those were the cheapest costume sets at the rental place."

All I could manage to get out after that was, "So... What you're saying is Beck is going to dress up as Ash Ketchum and he's going to... s-sleep with you as if you were... his Pikachu."

"A slutty Pikachu. It's pretty much yellow lingerie with the ears and lightning bolt tail thing."

The image just got even more horrifying.

... And I just remembered that I was a non-slutty Pikachu for Halloween when I was seven.

...

My childhood is ruined.

I guess that helps with my BAMF image, but still. Squick.

Thank Buddha we didn't talk for the rest of the ride there. It was only like two minutes, but regardless.

Sometime in those two minutes, I finally got a response from David, so as I propped my head up against the window, I yanked out my PearPhone and read his text.

**New Message from David**

_i love you too. i just wish you loved yourself as much as i do._

If that had been sent to me a few days ago, I would have argued against that.

But right now, I'm not too sure about anything.


	37. the one where Aly cries for no reason

_"Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention? No good deed goes unpunished." - Idina Menzel, No Good Deed, Wicked._

**Aly's POV**

That was a very productive day at the Vega's.

I mopped their kitchen and bathroom floors, wiped windows down, dusted, vacuumed and organized their dishes.

I'm such a good soul.

Tori's mom said I'm welcome to come over any time I feel like it. She just wants to use me for my amazing cleaning skills. I'm such a boss.

Tori and Trina looked all excited too.

Well, I can't have a Vega looking excited...so I don't think I'll ever be going back there again. Unless Andre and Tori get married and for some reason have a wedding in Tori's house or backyard or something and I have to go. Because Andre and I are tight.

Gwen's not home, although I do hear a car pulling up in our drive way so maybe that's her.

Beck said she just sort of went out. He also told me David called, so putting the pieces together I'm betting she went over there.

I already know why he called. I think you guys do, too.

I may have told him about Gwen's little false transformation. Can you blame me?

If there's anyone who can help New Gwen be Old Gwen, it's David.

I got that idea when I was watching a random episode of Glee that was on our DVR. Dianna Agron's character went all goth and shit, so Idina Menzel, who just so happens to play the lead role in one of my favorite Broadway shows, Wicked, convinced her to change back for her baby.

So I was thinking, well, obviously this chick loves her baby, so if that could change her back, then something Gwen loves can change her back.

And I don't think brownies could make Gwen be Gwen again.

That just left David.

Aren't I totally amazing?

But, if I'm totally amazing, than why did my room door just swing open revealing the face of a very angry muggle.

Hah, muggle. "You are the worst person on the face of this planet!"

I was amazing a second ago..."How am I the worst person on the face of this planet?"

Gwen crossed her arms and stared at me like I was playing stupid. Even though I am. "I walked to David's house and he told me that you told him about my new look. I could have told him myself you know!"

Oh I do know, Gwen. He would have been way more scared if I didn't warn him. "I just warned him. Don't you think it cushioned the blow? How did it go anyway?"

I hope that didn't come out wrong. Like, I don't want it sounding like I did it for all the wrong reasons. Like I want David or something.

And I don't want him.

Anyway, with my luck, she will take it the wrong way. "He didn't even...didn't even want to kiss me. But that's what you wanted, isn't it? You just don't want me to be happy! You or Beck!"

I'm lost. "Beg pardon?"

"You just can't handle the fact that someone of the male persuasion finally isn't paying attention to you!"

What the hell is she talking about? "Gwen, you know you and String Bean have been dating for like, almost four or five months right?"

Gwen rolled her eyes, "Ugh! Are you stupid? What I'm saying is that you just couldn't wait to tell David that I changed my image so he would b-break up with me and you could go back to having the attention of every single boy on this freaking planet!" Hm. Her voice faltered on 'break'. God Gwendoloser. Your boyfriend would never break up with you.

That's exactly what I'm going to tell her. "You changed more than just your image." Okay, so maybe I didn't tell her what I said I was going to. It doesn't matter. She already knows it.

Everyone does.

Everyone knows Gwen and David are soul mates.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Her voice was calmer now, but I'm not expecting it to stay this way, especially since our discussion isn't over.

If you haven't noticed, when Gwen gets angry, she turns a little bi-polar and a she doesn't just get angry. She gets super mega angry pissed off.

On a scale of chill to pissed, right now, obviously Gwen's angry, but no so much that she would stab me with a rusty spoon. Even though if she had one hidden in her bra, I honestly bet she would want to. "Because it's true?"

The calm facade faltered mostly because I didn't say something soothing, but when I have ever been known to be soothing? "It wasn't your place to tell him! It wasn't right."

Oh. You want to talk about things that aren't right?

I scoffed, "Shoplifting isn't all that right either."

"Neither is feeding someone a jank cupcake on purpose."

"Neither is smoking."

"Neither is letting your goodies hang out twenty four seven!"

"Neither is pretending to be someone you're not just to piss people off. Honestly, Gwendolyn, grow up."

"Neither is being a total bitch!"

I stopped and stared. No, not like the song. Okay, kind of like the song.

Gwen wasn't fazed at all by what she said. It kind of hurt. "Why can't you see things from my point of view? Or at least try! If this is who I am now, then this is how I am, who cares what anyone else thinks. Even if my own sister falls under that category! Ursula told me that."

"Anyone, not just Captain Herpes, who tells you to be yourself and this is what you come up with, couldn't have given you worse advice. Honestly, I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass."

That's when my little sister slapped me across the face.

Ouch. Like, emotionally and physically. Damn this girl packs a slap. Sort of glad she didn't punch me. I might have ended up like Liv Jackson.

I felt my cheek and winced a little bit. "Gwen. I really suggest you leave my room."

There's her soft face again. Bi-polar super mega angry pissed, like I said. "Aly- I'm..."

"Go."

So she left. Without another word. Good.

It's not like I would have hit her back, I actually don't know what I would have done if she stayed in here.

With that though, I started pacing. Back and forth.

I probably would have made it another two rounds of pacing if my brother's RV lights wouldn't have been on, and Jade's car is in front of our house.

They didn't have roleplaying last night and if the lights are still on and Jade's here, they're not very well doing dirty deeds right now.

Jade says it's less sexy to, well, have sex in the light.

Wow. I'm a cleaning bug, Gwen's a poser and Beck is abstinent.

Do you see what bad news does to my family?

/ /

Happy Canada Day, guys.

Yes ma'am, it is in fact Canada Day.

If I haven't already explained it, which I think I have but can't remember, it's basically just Independence Day for Canada.

We normally just call my Grandma Joyce, our Canadian grandmother on our Dad's side, and say hi and chat for a bit.

We always talk about actually going to Canada one year for said day, but we never actually go, because of my parents work habits.

Poo on them. Gwen would probably change back to her old self in a split second if Jane bribed her with Canadian Canada Day.

Speaking of whom, this afternoon, I noticed she was honoring the tradition when she walked into the kitchen and seated herself two spots away from me at the breakfast bar.

What tradition, you ask?

Well, every year since we were about five and six, Gwen and I have always worn skirts on this fine June day.

I don't know why but we always do.

Of course, for Gwen this year she still had to keep up her rebel image by pairing her, gag, jeans skirt with an Alexander McQueen inspired skull face cutout tank top.

I say gag because I haven't worn a jeans skirt since I was about seven or eight. I almost told her that until Beck came in with his "Happy Canadian Independence Day" hair ruffling routine.

He didn't dare ruffle Gwen's hair, because she'd probably cry about how he was no also ruining her life or something that I don't care about.

'But Aly, how can you not care?'

The little gank slapped me in the face last night. Ergo, I don't care.

I was a little miffed that he had ruffled my hair, I admit. Mostly because I had just then blow dried it, since you know, I took a shower fifteen minutes prior to that rendezvous.

I didn't shower at eleven thirty because I was sleeping, though. I didn't sleep in today.

I was up at promptly seven o'clock am this morning.

Can you guess what I was busy doing?

You will win a prize of lovely proportions if you can tell me what I was doing this morning.

...

I was cleaning. You lose.

I spent my morning cleaning the entire house, yessiree. I did the upstairs, minus Gwen's room, the downstairs guest bedroom, the other rooms downstairs, mopped, dishes all that fun cleaning stuff, you know.

It took me about five hours, but my house is totally spotless right now.

I'm so happy.

Even though, here we are, seven o'clock at night, both my parents are home and no one has mentioned my cleaning powers. No praise. No nothing.

But here, I'll give you a second chance, can you guess what we're talking about?

It's not the baby, thank Buddha.

For once, it's Gwen. My parents are sitting here trying to get a 'whats wrong pumpkin' out of Gwen. It started out as "Gwenny, I think this charade has gone on long enough," sort of soft speech, but now it's turned into 'omg lyke wut can we d0 2 make ur lyfe better, gwen?' plead.

I'm going to lose it.

"Mom?" I interjected, hoping to tell her that I vacuumed the guest room, like she had been asking for two months.

"Not now, Aly." She waved her hand. "And furthermore, Gwendolyn-"

I shifted my eyes to my dad, "Uh, Dad-"

"Not now, Princess. -Gwen, your mother is right."

Oh really 'cause I wanted to tell you that I mowed the lawn so you wouldn't have to.

Not now, though. Not now.

Beck shot me a sympathetic look, "Als, do you wanna get out of here? We could go to Jade's or something."

Yeah. I want to get out of here. But...not before I do something. "I'll be right back. I just, uhm, need to go to the bathroom."

I silently stood up, not that my parents would notice or anything, and found my way up to my room.

Fine. If they won't pay attention to me wearing a Dolce dress shirt, a highwaisted skirt and louiboutons, it's okay with me.

Searching through my closet, I pulled out an outfit that I normally would never wear.

For this situation, I make an exception for coral bandeaus, destroyed short shorts and biker jackets.

I ran back downstairs, back to the very scene in the living room and took a deep breath. "Mom, Dad. I just wanted to let you know that I cleaned the entire house and-"

"Allison, we said not- oh my god."

The look on my parents and siblings faces mirrored the faces Beck, my parents and I had made on the very night Gwen came home looking like I do now. "Yeah, that's right. Maybe you'd pay more attention to me if I dressed more like her!"

Gwen stood up, looking me up and down. "Uh, I dress less like a three dollar hooker on Broadstreet and more like someone who's sick of her mother telling her what to do when her mother can't even keep her legs closed!"

Insert Gwen and Jane fighting.

Insert me leaving.

/ /

Another thing to add to my list of things my sister and I have in common is that we both end up walking to our boyfriends houses.

That answers your question as to where I went.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

It's much faster by car. I wish Beck would have taught me how to drive this week, that way I could have stolen his car and drove there.

Bad thing number one.

Bad thing number two is that when the sun goes down, it gets really cold. Hooker shorts and a light leather jacket aren't going to keep you warm.

Bad thing number three is that I can't even text my boyfriend and tell him that I'm coming over looking like a prostiteen because I left my phone in my bag at my house.

Bad thing number four- oh yeah, there's a four, is that I've been crying for so many different reasons.

I mean, my life has just gone from bad to worse and it's partly my fault. Cory's parents are probably going to demand their son break up with me when they see me dressed like this. My sister most likely hates me...

I knocked on the door of the Edison mansion and awaited the adults of the house to come out and judge me.

The door opened, but it wasn't an adult.

Let's just say I had to look down to see who it was. "Hi, Mandy." I wiped my eyes and smiled.

Mandy squinted to see who it was, as the outside light wasn't on because she can't even reach the switch, "Hi, Aly! Is my boyfriend here? Did he break up with his girlfriend? Where are your pants?"

"Uh..."

"Amanda! How many times have I told you to get upstairs to bed- Babe?" Thank you, little baby Jesus wearing a tuxedo. It's not his parents. It's him.

Too bad I'm not speaking. Why I'm not speaking I don't know. I think I'm crying. I really have no reason to cry, but I'm a drama queen and must overreact.

Cory leaned down to his sister and told her in a low voice to, "Go pick out your favorite movie and get upstairs. I'll be up in five minutes to turn it on."

She nodded happily and ran off. "Als, baby. What's wrong? Are you okay?" Cory took my hand but I just stood there.

I'm an idiot.

I have no reason to cry and no reason to be standing at Cory's doorstep. I could have handled the situation at my house a lot better. "I...I don't-"

Yeah. I'm pretty sure my super mega foxy awesome hot boyfriend just sort of picked me up and carried me into his house. No big deal.

I wiped my eyes for the final time after he put me down, "Are your parents home?" Oh because that's the first thing I should ask.

Cory shook his head after closing and locking the front door. "They're out at some college thing with Kellan and Britt. That's why we left San Francisco yesterday instead of this morning."

I'm so thankful for whatever college thing they're at. I completely forgot that they were out of town. Imagine me coming here and no one was home.

Like I said, I'm an idiot.

I started unzippering my jacket and my boyfriend looked both please and really confused. "I don't mean to be a jerk, but, what up with the absurdly sexy hooker outfit?"

"I'd rather not talk about it right now." I shook my head.

Cory leaned in and kissed my cheek. "We can talk upstairs, if you want. I just gotta go pop Mandy and Mikey's movie's on."

Alliteration.

/ /

After Cory had finally convinced Mikey that nothing was going to come out of his closet and eat him, and told Mandy for the fifth time that Mandeck is not going to happen, we were finally in his room.

I hope he knows this is where I'll be all night.

Like, seriously, I'm not going back to my house tonight. I don't care if they're worrying about me, because they're not.

Not being in that house for one night would do all of them some good.

"So, after your mom announced that she was pregnant, Gwen turned in to a rebel with a major case of skank face?"

I nodded. "And everything after that happened is just horrible."

Filling him in on everything that's happened in the past few days wasn't as complicated as I thought. "Ya' know, a new baby isn't really all that bad. I've been through it twice." He smirked, stroking my hair.

"Yeah, but that's because your family is decent. Mine is-" Yawn. "terrible."

Sorry for the yawn. I'm tired.

Cory chuckled and got off the couch. He walked to his dresser and pulled out one of his various graphic shirts and through it at me. "I figured you could wear it over your shorts when you go to sleep."

Oh good. He's realized I'm not leaving. But I hope he realizes I'm not wearing these uncomfortable shorts to bed.

I slid the t-shirt over my head and was immediately engulfed in the vast over-sized-ness of it.

Well, oversized for me, anyway. Normal for a boy such as Cory, who is currently taking off his pants.

Why is it that out of context, my inner dialogues would sound so dirty?

If he can take off his, I can take off mine.

See what I mean?

Let's break it down. I'm standing in Cory's bedroom, wearing a blue t-shirt of his and my Victoria's Secret underwear, whilst he's wearing blue and white boxers.

At least we match.

"You can sleep on the bed if you want, I'll sleep on the couch."

I love how he's talking about sleep and it's only seven thirty. He knows we're just gonna make out until my yawns are too distracting.

I rolled my eyes and couldn't help but smile a little bit, "Cory, that's stupid. We can just sleep in the same bed." I motioned to his bed and I swear to God his face grew the lightest shade of red.

That's the cutest thing ever. "Are you sure?"

"As long as your parents don't bust in and think we're having sex, it's fine."

This statement led to Coco turning on the TV and some intense Coral holding/snuggling/kissing time.

Good thing number one, we're not planning on having sex. Even though I'd totally do him right now if he had protection.

Good thing number two, I'm not drunk. If you remember the first official time I literally slept with a boy, I was drunk and he turned out to be an asshole.

Good thing number three, we're watching Top Chef.

Good thing number four, because of course there's a four, I know I say this a lot but I seriously love Cory Alexander Edison.

Goddamnit, Allison. Why are you crying.

Cory kissed my lips and noticed my tears, "Don't cry, baby."

I sighed. Or maybe it was a yawn.

"It's just that, I'm really happy. Right here, right now, with you."


	38. the one where Gwen thinks by a lake

omg i hate this one but please read it anyway you'll like the results.

also check out cici's tumblr at srzlysaywhaaaa . tumblr . com because she's sexy and you should leave her an ask telling her she's sexy.

you could check me out at kelsthecowriter too but i don't know why you would want to.

* * *

><p><em>If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found. ~Author Unknown<em>

**Gwen's POV**

So after Allison decided to slut up and run, my parents decided they couldn't handle any of us anymore and went to see Uncle Barbra while she's in the area for business.

They didn't actually say that, they just said they wanted to see Uncle Barbra 'cause it's Canada Day and shit, but I can see right through their lies.

If they can't even handle us, what makes them think they can handle Demon Fetus?

That's going to be its name. Demon Fetus Oliver.

I think it has a nice ring to it.

I had called Ursula after Aly flipped out, telling her I needed to get away from my insane family. She was at the place she gets her booze from, but she said she'd come and get me after the alcohol was in the trunk of her car.

I hope she got something besides beer.

It's getting pretty dark out. Where the hell did Aly run off to? Not to mention how cold it's getting, and she might as well have been wearing her underwear.

Please don't tell Ursula this, but after I slapped her... I felt horrible. Aly's my sister. Sisters shouldn't slap their sisters across the face.

But I couldn't apologize. I couldn't. Especially since Aly didn't give me the chance.

This rebel thing isn't all it's cracked up to be. But nothing in my life ever seems to be, anyway.

Beck had disappeared into his RV after Aly and my parents fled the place, and I could occasionally see him through one of the windows, pacing around and talking into his phone. I guess he's venting to Jade or someone about how effing insane his relatives are and how he wishes I had never been adopted into this family.

If I could read lips, I could prove it.

But I can't, because right now, it looks like he's say he hurt an otter with a stick of butter.

I'm going to assume he didn't do that.

Ugh, what's taking Ursula so damn long? How much booze did she buy? I'm not gonna sit here on the porch and freeze my ass off if she's going to take forever.

I just heard a metallic door slam. That must be her.

No, that doesn't explain the lack of her car in the driveway and the fact that Beckett is walking over to me, not looking quite as calm as he usually does.

Geez. Here we go. He's probably gonna tell me that I should go back to normal and just say no and don't talk to strangers and all that.

He stood in front of me, and I could tell he was looking down at me, but I chose to just stare at his knees instead. "Gwen, we need to talk."

"And by talk, I assume you mean you'll do the talking and I just have to sit here and listen." I scoffed, crossing my arms and rubbing them to warm them up.

"No, we're going to actually talk, and you're going to work with me here." Beck sat down next to me, but I just continued to look forward. I don't want to look at him. "Tell me what this is about. Now."

"I've told you people a million friggin' times," I grumbled, looking down at the ratty untied lace of one of the brown combat boots Ursula loaned me. "I'm sorry I'm not absolutely perfect like you and Allison, but if this is who I am now, then-"

"Gwen." Whoa, okay, interrupt me with your very frustrated voice. That's cool. "For the last time, this isn't some sort of sudden transformation. You're just acting like a spoiled brat and scaring away everyone who cares about you."

Ouch. Okay. I gotta admit, that last part stung a little. Beck doesn't usually say things like that to me. He's usually the first to sugarcoat things so I don't start sobbing.

But badass skanks don't sob, so I guess he doesn't have to worry about that anymore.

I looked at him for the first time since he approached me. "Oh, really? You think you know everything there is to know about me, don't you?"

"I'm your brother. I know a lot more than you think." Ugh, such a Beck response. "I've been going to a school full of overly dramatic kids for three years now, do you think I haven't seen this before?"

"Seen what? A girl with blue hair and a chizzy attitude?"

"No, this little act of yours," Beck said, his eyes looking way darker than usual. "You're too afraid to face up to whatever it is that's bothering you, so you just put on a show and blame everything that's wrong in your life on everyone else."

"That's not true."

"It is. And I think you know it is too."

That's it. I'm not sitting through this.

"I don't need to put up with this shit." I was going to get up and walk down the driveway and around the corner to wait for Urs, but Beck grabbed my arm and yanked me back down before I could. Um, ow.

"And none of us need to put up with _your_ shit."

Whoa. Beck doesn't really say that, especially around me and Aly. He really_ is_ pissed.

"This isn't just about the baby. I can tell." He still had a death grip on my arm, as if he thought I was going to split the second he let go of me. Which I probably would have. "There's something else, and you just don't want to say it."

"You're wrong." He wasn't. "You're dead wrong. Maybe I'm just sick of living in the shadows of my perfect as hell brother and sister. Did you ever even consider that?"

That made Beck soften a little, but that's not saying much. "You were perfect the way you were, Gwen."

Bull.

I probably should have said that out loud.

His hand went from gripping my arm to squeezing my shoulder. I really wanted to push it off, but I couldn't bring myself to do it for some reason. Probably because I haven't had any human contact since before I went skankface, if you don't count the two second make out session I had with David. I'm a very touchy, cuddly person.

Or at least I was.

"I'm not just saying that because I'm your brother, I really meant that. Everybody has their faults and you sure have a few-" Yeah, that's making me feel tons better, "-but you had so many more good qualities. You were friendly, artistic, so full of life..." He paused and I don't know whether he was done listing stuff or if he just couldn't think of anything else because I suck compared to him.

Probably the last one.

He took his hand off my shoulder and quietly said, "Everybody loved you, Gwen. But now, no one can even stand to be around you."

The pain of everything else he said before seemed minuscule compared to the heart breaking that comment caused.

And then he just walked off. He basically tells I'm messed up beyond belief and everyone pretty much hates me now and he just walks back into his recreational vehicle. Like, what the actual hell.

I guess it's for the best. I didn't want him to see me cry.

Badass skanks don't sob in front of the people they're trying to prove a point to, at least.

… What _am_ I trying to prove with this?

I thought I knew, but Aly and Beck are making me think otherwise.

They always have to ruin my plans with their logic.

Aaaand Ursula just pulled up in front of my house, while I'm sitting here with mascara smeared cheeks and a lot of things I need to think about. Perfect timing, Urs.

I can't just blow her off. She's the one who basically made me this way… but she's still my friend.

A friend with alcohol.

When I flung open the passenger's door and practically threw myself into the seat, Ursula immediately gained an expression that one could mistake for concern, if one thought Ursula was not a total badass. "Gwen, what're you cryin' for?"

Slam. "Just drive."

Okay, I added a not-so-nice word in between 'just' and 'drive', but you don't need to see that word.

At least she drove.

/ /

Even though the radio was blaring music by some band I think Ursula stuffed a t-shirt of into my bag yesterday, the ride to wherever we were going was actually pretty silent. They usually were like this, but this time, there was an awkward presence in the car, like maybe Ursula wanted to say something but didn't know _what_ to say. Even though I was looking out the window, I could see in the reflection that she kept sneaking glances at me. It made me think that maybe everyone was wrong about Ursula.

Though this isn't really about Ursula, is it?

This is kind of about me.

The car stopped and Ursula told me to get out. I have to admit, I stared out the window the entire ride, but I didn't actually pay attention to where we were going. I was too busy, I guess. Y'know, actually thinking things through.

Maybe Aly's right. I've changed more than just my image. Three days ago, I wouldn't have needed the bottle of beer Ursula shoved in my hands as soon as I stepped out of her car just to keep myself from drowning myself in the lake we were parked by.

"Why are we here?"

Ursula led me to the front of the car and hopped up on the hood. "I know it's clichéd, but I go here when Hannelore and Nikolas are in town and I need someplace to get away from them and just think about shit." She patted the spot next to her and added, "Looked like you need the same thing."

I slid my butt up on the hood and looked out at the lake. This is pretty. No wonder the dramatic contemplation scene in a movie is almost always by a body of water.

And some contemplation is exactly what I needed.

I looked over at Ursula's empty hands. "Aren't you having anything to drink?"

She shook her head. "Nah. I'm gonna be the one to drive your sorry ass home, ain't I?"

See, even badasses don't drive drunk. Because that's whack.

Whack? Did I seriously just say that?

I just nodded before I opened the twist cap and brought it to my lips. This stuff isn't good at all but damnit I need it so bad.

"Come on, kid. Talk."

I shrugged. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Really. I come to pick you up and you're sobbing and nothing happened."

"… Yeah."

"Dude, you are so full of crap. I'm surprised your eyes ain't brown."

I didn't really say anything after that. Mostly because I was too busy looking up at the starry sky, sipped my beer and… thinking.

Aly and David and Beck were right. They were all right. This isn't me. This pierced up bitch is just a scared little girl who doesn't want to deal with her emotions in a somewhat productive way and hides behind blue hair and her shoplifted slut clothes.

There_ is _more that's bothering me than Jane's announcement. There has been for a while. Hearing the news about the baby, on top of all that stuff buried inside… That just kind of made me snap.

"I can't do this anymore."

We hadn't talked in a while, so Ursula just sort of raised an eyebrow at me. "Why not? You've already downed half the bottle, so a few more sips won't-"

"No, not _that_…" I gestured to my face and hair and clothes and huffed out, "_This_." I threw the half-empty bottle onto the ground, soon regretting it because I really could have used the rest of it, and told her, "You keep saying I should just be myself and not care what my family thinks, and I kept telling myself this is what I wanted, but… it's not. I _hate_ this, Urs. I hate my hair, I hate that I stole stuff, I hate beer, and I hate this mothersluttin' navel piercing!"

That's when I lifted up my shirt and ripped that little bastard out.

I took it out, of course. I didn't like actually _rip_ it out. That wouldn't be good.

"And you know what I hate most of all?" I looked over at Ursula, who actually looked shocked. Probably for the first time in years. "I hate that my siblings don't even want to be in the same room as me anymore."

Ursula sighed to that and sat up straighter. "Gwen, screw what they think. They're just too in love with themselves to-"

"No, Ursula." Whoa, I just interrupted Ursula Schmidt. For the second time. I must want to die. "Beck and Aly are _not_ Niko and Hannelore. They actually care about me, a-and I care about them, and I'm sad and I slapped my sister and I just want to watch Glee and eat brownies and wear clothes that wouldn't scare an elderly person a-a-aaaaand…"

That's when I actually started sobbing. Like, legit sobs that shook my entire body and almost made me fall off the hood. And then Ursula did something that really, truly shocked me.

She pulled me closer to her and gave me a hug.

What is this I don't even.

After she pulled away from me, she pulled a lighter and a box of smokes from her pocket and lit one up. I just sat there, all confused and sniffly. "Wh-What was that for?"

She shrugged and stuck the cigarette in between her pointer and middle fingers. "Anything to stop your goddamn babbling."

Gee. Thanks.

"Look… Maybe this isn't your scene." Ursula looked up at the stars, much like I had been doing before. "It's not the first time this has happened to me. You get into something, but then you change your mind and you… you bail. I was just kind of hoping you wouldn't end up being the same."

I think I might know why Ursula's dad isn't in any of her family portraits.

And that last statement just made this a whole lot harder.

"I like you, Urs, I really do," I said, creeping closer to her and pulling my knees up to my chest. I'm freezing in this damn jean skirt. "Can't we still be friends? Just because I don't want to be a delinquent doesn't mean we can't still hang out, right?"

She let out a puff of smoke and looked over at me, giving me a look Aly usually does when I say something stupid, but she wants to give me a nice response. I don't get that look from her often. "Gwen, if this ain't you, you don't wanna hang out with a mess like me. I'm just gonna hold you back."

"I… I'm a mess too, Ursula. I'm more of a mess than you'll ever know."

Aly's always saying she's the most screwed up one in the family, with her eating disorder and relapse and douchey ex-boyfriend and all, but truth is, I'm ten times more messed up that she is.

I'm just better at hiding it, is all.

Ursula just looked forward, sighed, and flicked her cigarette butt into the lake. That isn't very green. "Get in the car."

"What?" I watched her hop off the hood of her car and walk over to the driver's side. "Why?"

"I'm taking you to my place so we can get that dye out of your hair, and then I'm taking you back to your house, so you can continue your existence as a pansy, that's why." Ursula gave me a smirk that almost looked sad before sliding into her seat.

I just sort of sat there for a second before actually doing anything. After I was in the seat and buckled up, I looked over at Ursula and quietly told her, "You're the best, Urs. A lot better than you give yourself credit for."

Ursula paused at that, but quickly composed herself and turned the radio on. "Shut your hole, blondie. I can't hear the music over your mush."

I love you too, Ursula.

We drove through the grass and away from wherever the heck we went, and as she pulled back onto an actual road, I leaned back in my seat and looked up at the roof of her Oldsmobile.

I need to face what's bothering me. But first I need to get my life and my family back.


	39. a trip to David's and dreamland

_"Dreaming or awake, we perceive only events that have meaning to us." - Jane Roberts_

**Gwen's POV**

I stared hard into the mirror of Ursula's upstairs bathroom and sighed.

It wasn't an exasperated sigh, but a content sigh. A sigh that was absolutely fine with the way she looked.

My blue hair wasn't blue anymore, but blonde and still in its choppy state. Mostly because if I evened it out it would be really short and I sort of like the choppiness.

Instead of an outfit that was still Canada Day acceptable yet somehow managed to be skank and rebel scene, I was now wearing a bright pink Glee shirt and my neutral denim skirt, because I honor traditions.

That aren't ripped.

I'm wearing nothing that's ripped. Yay.

But I'm mostly excited that I get to wear my Glee shirt. I've missed it so much.

I've missed me so much. If that sounds weird then boo for you. It's the truth. Sure the skank scene was fun in the beginning, but when I realized how many people I was hurting and pushing away, including my own boyfriend, it wasn't fun anymore.

I'm just glad Ursula is okay with this all. 'Cause I've heard that when like, gang members want to leave a gang, the other members beat him or her up.

Except Ursula and I weren't a gang. We were rebel friends. Now we're just friends.

At least I think and hope so.

Oh, that and she didn't try to beat me up. That's a good thing.

One thing I'm definitely thankful for that comes out of this transformation back to Old Gwen is there's no longer and annoying itchiness around my navel, that sucker is gone.

But the nose ring? Keeping it. It's so cute! How could I want to get rid of it?

Amber Riley has her nose pierced, and she totally rocks it. So, I think I can too.

...She plays Mercedes on Glee. Silly non gleeks.

"You done?" Ursula's knuckles rapped on the closed bathroom door. Oh right. This is her house.

I smiled at my reflection one last time and opened the door. "I'm done."

She didn't smile, but she didn't look angry. "Now this is the kid I remember from the first time we met, at Jorge's."

"Thanks again for the yo-yo."

Urs ruffled my hair and rolled her eyes, "So are you ready to get going?"

I nodded. I had explained to her on the ride here that after we were done getting me back to looking average, there was somewhere I needed to go immediately.

Not my house, but David's.

I need to tell him I love him. And this may sound a little corny, but I need to hear that he loves me too.

I should have warned him that rocky things like this happen in my life. Although he did see what happened when Rachel Lourdes was let loose.

I'm currently thinking all this whilst following Ursula to her beat up old car. She's not really talking, and that kind of frightens me.

I know she understands, she told me that herself, but I still feel really bad for basically abandoning her.

That's one thing we'll always have in common.

My birth mother abandoned her parental rights toward me and Ursula's had a lot of people abandon her.

For that I feel sorry for her, and I really hope that one day her and her siblings can try and get along and be a loving family.

...I belong on the Lifetime Network.

I slammed the car door shut and buckled myself in. "Are you sure you're gonna be okay, Urs?"

"I was fine before you, and I'll be fine after you." She put the car in drive and started down the road.

"...Promise?"

And because I'm pretty sure I bring out the softer side of Ursula, she made this moan that sort of sounded like 'I normally don't do this' and then said, "I promise."

I smiled out the window. A promise is a promise. Now I know she'll be alright.

The drive to David's was short and quiet. Okay, not quiet. We all know how the mini mart punk likes to blare her music to the point where you don't even understand why you bother having ear drums.

Nevertheless, we arrived and I was nervous. "So, could you wait for me?" I twirled a piece of my now blonde hair around my finger.

Ursula bumped the steering wheel to the beat of the track, "G, I'm not a taxi."

Ignoring the cold nighttime breeze that blew and made my legs shiver, I awkwardly pulled out a ten dollar bill from my bra and flung it at her. "Here's ten bucks to drive around the block a few times until I text you."

"You got it." With that, Ursula pulled her car back into reverse and drove down the street.

See? She really is nice. At least to me. Not to Aly.

Speaking of which. I texted her when I got to Ursula's and asked where she had gone.

I unlocked my phone and low and behold, no response. She's probably pissed off at me.

I clicked the home screen to check the time. Eight thirty.

The Shizuka's should all be awake.

Besides, this wouldn't be the first time I've come to their house during the night without calling or something first.

Taking a deep breath, I marched up the porch steps and knocked on the door. After a few seconds of waiting, Kimiko's smiling face was greeting me. "Gwendolyn! Darling it's been too long, it's so nice to see you!" Insert warm hugs here.

So glad I didn't see her when I was...well you know. "It's nice to see you too, Kimiko. Uhm, is David here?"

Kimiko leaned out of the hug and smiled. "Of course he is. David's up in his room, why don't you go up there and surprise him?"

It will be a surprise. And not the bad kind, like news of pregnant mothers that totally chizz up your life for a few days.

Good surprises that ensure no break up.

Without word, I headed up the stairs, knowing exactly where I was going.

When I reached the entrance to his bedroom, I hesitated. I know what I want to say to him, but I don't know how.

Come on, Gwen. Be strong. "David?" I stepped into his room and there he was.

Our eyes connected and in an instant, a smile spread across his face and I was welcomed with open arms. "I'm so sorry...I just didn't have any other way-"

"Stop. Gwen." He shushed me with a kiss and I couldn't stop myself from smiling. "I know there's probably a million things you want to tell me, and I'm hoping they'll be in the form of a ramble, but there's something I need to tell you first."

David motioned to the bed and I understood that he wanted me to sit down.

Obeying, I took a seat and he joined my side, intertwining his fingers with mine and inching close. "I want you to know that I wasn't mad. I could never be mad at you. I was just shocked that the one person I truly loved didn't want to be herself anymore. Sounds lame, but it was heartbreaking." He kissed me again.

I'm really loving this.

This honesty and being close. It's like when we first got together.

"Gwen...my favorite part of you is that you're always yourself. Being yourself is one of the hardest, but most important thing you can be in the world. People respect you for it."

/ /

That heartwarming Shizoli moment was heartwarming. If that wasn't evident enough for you.

We hugged and kissed and interestingly enough I didn't cry.

I wish it could have lasted a lot longer, but I told him I need to fix the bridge between my family and I.

Obviously he understood. Best boyfriend ever, say whaaa?

Now I'm back in Ursula's car, driving to my broken home listening to God knows what blasting throughout the Oldsmobile.

I'm not thrilled about mine and Ursula's upcoming parting, because it might be sad. Even though I'll be sure that I'll stop by Jorge's time after time.

Just because we won't be close friends anymore, doesn't mean we can't still be acquaintance like friends.

One day, she's going to need someone to post bail for her. That's where I come in.

"Well. Here you are," Urs' voice was stiff as she pulled up to my house.

I frowned. I think these streets got shorter or something. "Thank you. Ya know, for driving me home and helping me revert."

She smiled and patted my shoulder, "Kid. If you ever...ever need something. You've got my number. Don't hesitate to gimme a shout."

I feel like I'm in a movie or something where two close people are parting for probably the last time and it's all serious. "Definitely. Like I said, you're the best."

"Enjoy life as a pansy."

I stepped out of the car, laughing. She never fails to make me do that.

We exchanged a quick smile and I turned around to enter my house as I heard her old car drive away.

Much like before I entered David's, I still have no clue what I'm going to say. My whole house is sure to be overjoyed at my average Gwen-ness.

My mother and father will probably go on and on about how they knew it was a phase, and Beck will stand there all cool like and smirk and Aly will say something like 'well it's about time,'.

The usual.

Quietly, I opened the door and slowly crept around the corner of the foyer.

Where is everyone?

"I know, Bar, I know," That's my father's voice I hear. Most likely coming from the sitting room.

From my guess, he's talking to my Uncle Barbra. Why though? Weren't they just at his house today?

Aside from his voice, I could almost faintly here something coming from upstairs. Was it crying?

This is really trippy.

I heard James' footsteps tromp across the hardwood floor and stop, and repeat.

Eh. I might as well use up my last bit of rebel-ness and listen to his conversation. "That's what I'm saying. But the doctor is sure that it was just a hysterical pregnancy."

...A hysterical pregnancy?

Oh man.

This would be a great time for Aly to come home.

/ /

**Aly's POV**

I snuggled my back closer to Cory for warmth.

The central air is on high and for someone who gets cold really easily this isn't a fun time.

He's been asleep for about an hour, and that's about how long I've been trying to get to sleep.

I don't know why this is so hard. Ugh.

If my brain would turn off its lights, I think this would be less difficult.

Too bad that won't happen.

I keep thinking about everything that's been happening. My life's just not as normal as it used to be. Not that it was ever normal, but it was okay.

I stared down at mine and Cory's hand in front of me and smiled. You know how when two people fall asleep and they're like holding each other's hand in that really cute way?

Well that's how we sort of fell asleep. Or rather, how he fell asleep.

It's totally cute in real life.

Except when his hand twitches and then it's kind of annoying. But after I stroke it a few times, he stops.

Cory's phone was on the side table next to his bed, so I managed to stick my free hand out far enough to tap the home button and see what time it was.

One fourteen in the morning.

I want to go to bed.

I swear I was almost asleep until I heard the rest of his family come home. I was busy praying that they wouldn't open the door to make sure he didn't sneak out or something ridiculous.

But they didn't.

Hm. I wonder if my family even realizes I'm still not home.

You know...sometimes I wonder what my family would be like if I hadn't been born an Oliver.

It's a stupid thought, but I bet everyone has it from time to time.

It totally feels like Cory's bed is moving in circles. I think I'm in one of those, half awake half dreaming states.

I normally dream, but with this much going on in my head, I hope I don't.

My dreams get pretty crazy when I'm-

Why is Gwendolyn in Cory's room right now standing in front of me? Totes awks. "Uh, Gwen?"

I kept my voice low, just in case I wake the boyfriend up and he can't see her. He'd think I was a loon.

"Hey, Als." She started walking around Cory's room as if her being here after one o'clock in the morning was totally normal.

I really hope this isn't a normal every night thing for her. "What exactly are you doing here?"

She rolled her eyes, "You want to know what life would be like if you weren't born into the Oliver family, so I came to show you. Aren't I a nice little sister?"

Gwen walked over to the bed and tugged on my arm. "Come on, you won't wake sleeping beauty."

I unraveled my hand from Coco's and stood up off the bed. Huh. She was right. Cory sure is a sound sleeper. "So, are you like, the ghost of summer present or something?"

"And people think I'm dense."

I'll ignore that comment. If I say something mean back to her, this might turn into one of those clowns want to eat my head dreams.

I don't approve of those. At all.

Dream Gwen opened Cory's room door and I followed her steps through it. Suddenly, we were no longer in the Edison home. We were in the popular hallway of Hollywood Arts, standing in front of the cluster of lockers in which one belongs to Tori Vega.

Well, Gwen's would be here too, but I don't see her collage of hands locker door. Weird.

Tori, Beck, Jade, Andre, Cat and Robbie with Rex were all standing together chatting about things that weren't really audible. "So, if I wasn't an Oliver, I wouldn't be alive? I don't get it."

That earned me a smack in the back of the head, ow, and Gwen sighed, "No. See. You were always meant to be born. Just maybe not to Jane and James." She pointed to a brunette, who looked very much like me, running towards the gang.

Oh. So I'm just not blonde. "Tori!" If that's me, why am I calling for Vega? Ew.

Tori broke away from the conversation and smiled at me, or what's supposed to be me, "Oh hey, sis."

My eyes widened. "Sis?" I stared at Gwen without blinking.

The little creeper smiled. "Sh," She pressed her fingers to her lips and pointed back at the rest of the gang.

The brunette me grinned, "You left your theatre text book in my room last night after our Sister Nail Painting Session!"

Sister nail painting session? I'm going to be sick.

I grabbed Gwen's shoulder and shook them a bit. "This isn't a dream. This is a nightmare."

She giggled a little bit, "Hey, you're the one who wanted to know what life would be like. This is your answer."

I'm sorry I asked. The brunette me opened a locker that looked like it should have belonged to Gwen.

But when she opened it... dear God, please close it.

The entire inside was dedicated to Trina Vega.

"God," Oh look Jade is speaking. "Anyone who admires Trina Vega that much deserves to be locked up in a Yerbanian Prison."

And here's Beck to apologize for her.

...

And here's Beck. Wait for it.

Here's Beck? "Dude. Beck always apologizes for Jade. Why isn't her apologizing for Jade?"

I'm very confused.

"Well, this is a toughie." Gwen began, "Without his purpose in life of correcting and protecting his two younger sisters, he's just emotionally barren and laid back all the time. Without a care in the world. In fact, he doesn't care about anything. He barely cares that he's dating Jade." She nodded and stared sympathetically at Jade who looked like she wanted someone to love her.

I raised my eyebrow, "Wait. Without two younger sisters? Where are you? Don't tell me just because Jane never had me, that they just didn't want to adopt you either. They adopted you because-"

Gwen put her hands up. "They adopted Gwendolyn because Jane knew Naomi. But, without a taste of what having a baby girl was like, they never bothered to adopt."

"...But you were still born right?"

I smoothed out my nightshirt and crossed my arms. This dream is so wonky. Nothings right.

Uncomfortably, Gwen began once again pacing around the hallways, stopping momentarily to glance at Beck or Cat or Jade. "That's not how it works. Giving me up was something that my birth mother wasn't proud of. With no one to take me, she needed something else to do that she wasn't proud of." She paused to touch Robbie's depleting Jew Fro.

I know what she's talking about. "I want to wake up now. I'd rather stay awake the whole night than have a nightmare like this."

"What about a nightmare like this?"

And that was when Dream Gwen, along with everyone else in the HA hallway, turned into creepy, maniacal clowns that looked like they wanted to eat my face.

Before I could run out the door, I felt a weight on my shoulders. "Aly-bear, wake up."

My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I saw was Cory's face. Somehow during my dream I guess I turned myself around huddled into Cory's chest. Oh.

At least there are no clowns here. "I hate that nickname."

He smirked. "Well, it was either wake you up, or keep listening to you complain about Trina and clowns."

If I had to dream about running away clowns or a world where I idolize Trina Vega, I'd pick the first one.


	40. the one where it's sorta normal again

_this chapter that i wrote sucks. be sure to go to cici's tumblr at srzlysaywhaaaa to tell her what a superior writer she is._

_thanks, bye._

* * *

><p><em>"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."<em>

_― Marilyn Monroe_

**Aly's POV**

When Cory woke me up from my freakish nightmare of a dream, it was about two or three in the morning, and there was no way in hell I was getting up that early, so I kept drifting into thankfully dreamless lapses of sleep every half hour or so. Cory slept like a lump, because he doesn't have nearly as much on his mind as I do. And I'm pretty sure he usually sleeps like a lump anyway.

Not that I'd know that for sure.

I scooted away from Cory and grabbed his phone again. Nine forty three. I think I actually managed to get about six hours of sleep. Yay for me.

If I have to be awake now, so does he. Propping myself up on my elbow, I used my free hand to scratch under his chin. His eyes cracked open slowly and a small smirk crept onto his lips. "I'm not ticklish there, y'know."

"Too bad." As he sat up, I combed his hair out of his face and said, "I guess I'll just have to find another ticklish spot…"

I crawled on his lap, and he allowed that, but he kept me from smashing my lips to his face. Crap. "Als, any other time would be fine, but my parents are still here. I don't think they'll come in, but if they happened to, I'd rather they didn't walk in on me in bed, making out with my girlfriend, who's wearing nothing but one of my old shirts and her underwear."

"I could take the shirt off, if you want. That'd make it much sexier and awkwarder."

"Nah."

"Or my underwear."

"You are such a cruel temptress, Allison Oliver.

Okay, I got a tiny kiss. That was sufficient, I suppose. And I'm apparently a temptress. That's cool too.

"Since I'm probably not going back to sleep, I'm gonna get ready." Cory gently slid me out of his lap and got up. "Just stay here until they're gone, okay? We can try to sneak something out of Britt's room for you. She usually sleeps until noon and she's got so many clothes, I'd probably be doing her a favor if I gave you a few."

Oh, heiress clothes. That and my boyfriend sexily taking his shirt off and tossing it on the ground almost makes up for my bitch sister and suckish life.

Almost.

I just continued to lie on his bed on my belly. "Need a shower buddy?"

"Yeah, because I'm sure my mom and dad would prefer to walk in on that."

He's got a point.

"My parents are probably gonna leave soon. You can come out after then, I guess. Just put some pants on first." He winked at me as he grabbed some clothes out of his dresser drawer and walked out.

And now I'm alone in my boyfriend's bed. What can I do now?

… Stop thinking those kinds of thoughts, you creepers.

I walked over to his huge window and poked one of the blinds down so I could look out. I can see the entire front yard from here. Oh, and I can see Ethan and Elaine walking out the front door and getting into their limo together. Cory never said where they were going. I guess even the Edisons have to work on Saturday.

But at least now I can leave the room.

I should probably put my shorts back on first. I don't think Cory would appreciate if the other four Edison children saw me practically naked.

Then again, Kellan saw me in a twenty one or over club with my fourteen year old sister, so my underwear probably wouldn't be as shocking to him.

Slipping on the shorts that were barely able to call themselves shorts, I snuck out of the room and slowly stared creeping down the hallway. I hear nothing coming from any of Coco's siblings' rooms except for a snore here and there, so I'm assuming they sleep in during the summer. Much like myself.

Okay, Mikey's room, Mandy's room, Kellan's room...

Ah yes, Brittany's is at the end of the hallway. Of course it is.

Her door was cracked open, so I nudged it as gently as I could so it wouldn't creak. Damn, this place is twice as big as my and Gwen's room combined. Brittany lives like a friggin' goddess.

Lucky bitch.

I padded over to her closet, which was unfortunately right next to her bed, where she was sleeping almost as lump like as the middle Edison child. I pulled the walk in closet door open and almost started weeping at what I saw.

So. Many. Clothes... So. Many. Designer. Brands.

Holy balls so many shoes.

I think I might faint.

But I didn't, because if Britt woke up with her little brother's unconscious girlfriend in her closet, she might think things went down last night.

Especially since she's the one who gave me my new birth control which has yet to be fully effective.

Okay, just pick something out, Als. Something not entirely noticeable. Maybe this beige belted tank top, matching heels and black skinny jeans. Yeah, she'll never notice these are gone. They're not Dolce or anything, they're just really cute.

I'm in my boyfriend's older sister's closet, stealing her clothes while she's sleeping three feet away. This is not peculiar at all.

After looking at my new outfit in the full length mirror on the back of the door, I nodded at myself and decided it was time to sneak back out. I didn't account for the sound of my (read: Brittany's) wedges clomping on the hardwood floors in her bedroom. Shit.

Brittany began to stir, opening her eyes and looking right at me. Double shit.

She didn't seem all that fazed by me being there in her room. She just slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes before squinting at me. "Am I having another one of those dreams where I go lesbian with random girls in my life?"

LOLwut.

"Uh... Yes."

What else was I supposed to say to that?

And don't suggest no. That's uncreative.

Brittany sleepily blinked and fell back into her pillows, eyes shut. "Even dream me is too tired for this. Just do whatever you want to me, as long as I can sleep through it."

"W-Will do."

I didn't. I ran outta there like a bat outta hell.

I've had my share of bi curious experimenting, thank you very much.

/ /

After Cory was all showered and dressed, he said I could stay for as long as I wanted. I told him I wanted to go home.

I don't know what I was on when I said that.

I guess my It's A Not-So-Wonderful Life dream sort of shook me up. Like, I guess my life as an Oliver doesn't completely suck. I could be a Vega.

Le gag.

Gwen may be acting like a gank, but she's still my sister and I still love her.

I just don't like her right now. Like, at all.

I need to get her back to normal. I don't know how, but there has to be something I can say that can make her herself again. I spent half the ride back to my house thinking of what else I could possibly say. The other half was spent making out with and getting encouragement from Cory. Wendell the chauffeur just drove, because he's not very helpful.

We finally pulled up to my house and I suddenly regretted saying I wanted to come home. I think he could tell. "You don't have to go if you're not ready." Cory rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "We can go get some lunch or something."

"No," I murmured, shaking my head. "I need to deal with this before it gets out of control."

Cory leaned in to kiss me. Mhmm. "That's my girl."

Cory kisses give me the strength to do anything.

That might possibly be the lamest thing I've ever said.

I slowly got out and waited for Cory to wave at me before I began walking up the driveway. Maybe I should let Beck know that I'm alive and didn't get kidnapped or run over.

Which is another way of saying that I want to postpone my next confrontation with Gwendolyn.

My knuckles tapped on the RV door. Yeah, I decided to knock for once, since he probably texted me like twenty times last night asking where I was and he never got a response. That reminds me, my phone is still somewhere in my room...

No more time to think about that, 'cause my brother just opened the door.

I waved. "Hey. Last night was fun, wasn't it?"

Beck sighed in what I'm hoping is relief and walked out of the RV in order to hug me and kiss me on the forehead. "Every night is in our family." He gave me a small smile, and he either looked concerned or sympathetic. I hope it's the last one. I frickin' deserve some sympathy. "Are you doing okay?"

I nodded in response. And since I knew he was going to ask, I told him, "I stayed at Cat's last night." Yeah, like I'm gonna tell him where I _really_ was. "I just needed some time away from here, to blow off steam, I guess."

He nodded in understanding. I think he knew what I meant. "Just give me a heads up the next time you storm out looking like... How you looked last night, okay?"

I guess he's not going to question whether I borrowed these news clothes from Cat or not. He must be glad I'm not dressed like a hooker anymore.

"Gee, I'll try." Not that I plan on doing that again anytime soon. But I might if it means I get to sleep in the same bed as Cory again.

I can cross that off my summer to-do list. Hurray for accomplishing goals. Even if you didn't really mean to and just wanted some snuggle action.

I could hear the front door open, so I turned around to find James poke his head out and spot us. "Allison," he called out, looking relieved. "Thank God you're home. Look, we need to talk to you kids."

Wow, I'm not getting in trouble for storming out practically dressed like the prostitute from Pretty Woman? This must be some big news for him and Jane to overlook that minor detail.

Beck and I exchanged a look, but silently walked to the house.

We followed our father into the living room, where Jane was already sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch, looking like she watched her mother get run over by a monster truck. And then somebody punched her in the face.

I sat down on the couch as far away from her as possible. "Uh... Mom, what's-"

"Please, Aly," my mother whimpered, holding up a hand. "Not now. Let us talk."

This is starting to be a repeat of last night. Grr.

"We have something to tell you kids." James took a seat next to Jane, who wasn't even trying to hold back her tears anymore. This can't be good. Or knowing them, it might be great. Wait, where's Gwen? "Your mother went to the doctor the other day and we just got the results back last night. She… She's not pregnant. The signs she was showing… They were from what's called a hysterical pregnancy."

Oh. Wow, okay.

This baby thing has caused so much trouble and I should probably be really happy but… I dunno. If it was a hysterical pregnancy, then that's mostly mental. And that means Jane… That means she would have desperately _wanted_ to have a baby.

At least that's what it meant when it happened on Glee.

"Oh." Beck knew what to say about as much as I did. "God, Mom… that's…" He didn't even need to be interrupted to stop talking. That's usually how conversations go with our parents, but not now.

"Um." I looked around, seeing no blue headed sister in sight. "Where's Gwen? Shouldn't she have been here for this-"

"I don't need to deal with her right now!" There we go, back to normal. But that still sounded harsher than usual. "She's been in her room since last night and frankly, I couldn't care less! She has been a n-nightmare since this whole thing started a-aaaand…"

And then she just got up, all crying and pitiful, as if she really needed another kid, and left.

Like, not just up to her room left. Out the front door left.

James stood up, looked at us and, as if it wasn't obvious, said, "Your mother hasn't taken the news very well." He went after her, I heard him call out, "Jane, honey, wait," and he shut the door. That just left Beck and I here to take it all in.

"So… The past few days have been a nightmare for nothing, huh."

That's all I could think to say. But I think that was all I needed to say, because Beck just nodded and stood up. "Yeah… I guess I can call Jade and tell her she can come over tonight."

And he got over that in a snap, because he hasn't gotten laid in about ten years in the official Bade measurement of time.

But I guess that's the way to go about it. There's no baby, so there's nothing for us to worry about anymore, right?

Oh yeah. There's still Gwen and her skankface.

"Has Gwen really not come down since last night?" I walked out into the foyer to look up the staircase for any sign of life from her. Nothing.

Beck joined me soon enough. "I haven't seen her since I talked to her last night."

They talked? She's kind of tried avoiding talking to either of us since her little transformation. "What did you guys talk about?"

"I did most of the talking." Beck shrugged, hands tucked in his pockets. "I pretty much told her to cut the crap, and I don't think she took it well."

Okay, so both Beck and I have talked to her. That's good, I guess. Two Olivers are better than one.

Maybe _that's_ the lamest thing I've ever said.

"Should we go…" I wanted to ask if we should go talk to her, try to convince her to stop acting like a freak show, tell her about the 'hysterical pregnancy' or all of the above, but I think Beck knew that.

He shook his head. "Maybe we should just leave her. Give her some time to think about what we've said and all."

I really should talk to her. But I also don't want to. I want to fix things with her, yet I'm still pissed. "Can we go out to lunch?" I wasn't actually hungry, but I don't want to do this on an empty stomach. And still love to procrastinate. And there's the whole I'm still pissed thing.

Beck nodded and gave me a small smile. "Yeah. That sounds great. We could use a decent meal after going through baby drama hell."

Ugh, so true. Jane has claimed she didn't want to 'tire herself out' by preparing meals, even though she was only supposedly like a week pregnant or something, so we've been forced to eat microwavable things that taste like cardboard and freezer burn. I needed something leafy and salady.

That's a word. Look it up.

… Please don't, because then you'll find out I'm a liar. But I'm making it a word, so aha.

As Beck went off somewhere to find his keys, I went up to my room to get my purse and my phone. Thank you sweet baby Jesus, it still has a charge. And I have a few messages. Most of them are from Beck or my parents, but one of them is… It's from Gwen.

I'm tempted to see what she said. Probably something about how my dramatic storm out took away from her aaaaaaangst.

The multiple a's add angst.

I was about to go downstairs when I heard something. Something from Gwen's room. It was just a little shuffling, so I know she's really there and she didn't climb out the window and sneak off to go do heroin and sell her body so she could get more heroin.

But I'm pretty sure Gwen's not that committed to her little charade.

My hand was almost on the doorknob when I heard Beck call up the steps, "Aly, you ready?"

I took my hand back. "Yeah, coming!" I marched myself down the steps and up to Beck, who was waiting by the door, PearPhone in his hands. He probably just texted Jade and told her he wanted to have sexy time after the rest of us are in bed.

It's probably perverted how much I talk about my brother's sex life. But Jade's one of my best friends, and her boyfriend just happened to be my brother, so…

Nah, it's still weird.

Once we were out the door, Beck looked back at me and smiled. "Y'know, I still haven't taken you driving. Do you wanna start today?"

Oh my gobs, yes yes yes.

Smiling ear to ear, I pulled my amazing Tiffany key chain out of my purse and before I could tell him he should probably wear a helmet-

"Hey, are you guys going to lunch?"

Ugh, sounds like the pierced up face slapper that stole my cleaning spotlight is behind us.

No, Allison. You have to be mature and attempt to face this like an adult. Try not to slap her.

The key word is _try_.

Beck and I turned around, and everything I had thought up in the car to say to her sort of disappeared.

Why, you ask?

Because before Beck and I stood a blonde, normally dressed but still nasally pierced Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver.

Wow, I'm good. I didn't even have to say anything for that to happen.

Gwen gave us a small smile that seemed apologetic, maybe even sheepish, and quietly asked, "Can the old Gwen come with?"


	41. speeding like speed racer on speed

**Aly's POV**

I stared at Gwen in disbelief.

What happened?

I plan to ask her that too. God only knows what could possibly come after the skanky, rebel version of Gwen.

Please don't let it be arson Gwen.

Or mass murderer Gwen.

Beck glanced at me and his expression mirrored mine. "Uh..."

Gwen suddenly looked uncomfortable and adjusted the strap of her big tote bag awkwardly.

Well, at least I can talk about her and use the word awkward in the same sentence.

Deciding against this being a three offense count of awkwardness and silence, I sighed heavily and smiled. "Of course you can come, Gwen. But be warned, I'm driving."

My little sister giggled and immediately ran to join us as we loaded into the car.

Suddenly it was like that whole hysterical pregnancy period of this past week never happened.

Wait. Does Gwen know about it?

Jane said she had been in her room all night so I doubt it.

I buckled my seat belt and shoved the key into the ignition. This should totally be a piece of cake, and I'm not just saying that because I've been known to excel at everything I do.

Mostly because that is a lie, darlings.

As mentioned many times before because my sister likes to remind me of it, I cannot draw for anything. I also suck at anything having to do with science. I'm not as good of an actor as Beckett James.

Heck, Gwen is better at acting than I am.

Not saying I can't act, I'm just not the best.

"Alright, Als. Turn the key," No duh Beckett. I know how to start a car. "Put your foot on the brake and pull the shifter into reverse."

Gwen's hand shot up in the air. "That's the 'r'!"

I rolled my eyes and looked at Gwen in the rearview mirror. "Thank you, Gwedoloser. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Gwen grinned, though. Despite my insult.

Whateveskies. Aly's in the driver's seat, beyotches.

I shifted into reverse, because honestly who can't do that, pressed the gas down and slowly started backing out of Beck's parking spot in front of the RV.

Beck patted my knee and smirked, "Yay, we're not dead."

Vote of confidence is always needed, brother dear. "I'm gonna state the obvious here and say now I'm gonna shift into drive?"

My brother gave me a thumbs up and so I did just that.

Now before I move on to the next part, I want you all to know that I seriously was not going that fast. These two like to pretend I was going much faster than the speed limit of our driveway should be, but I guarantee they're lying.

Well. Here we go.

I tried to be a good driver and shift into drive, and then I 'sped like speed racer on speed', Gwen's words not mine, down the driveway.

"Well. I think that's enough for today."

"That's totally unfair."

Beck pointed to the driver's side door and I reluctantly unbuckled myself and got out. It's not fair, honestly.

All I did was do like, I don't know, maybe sixty five pulling down the driveway?

What's the point of driving at all when you can't speed?

I crossed my arms and walked around the car, pausing a moment to make a face a Gwen who was clutching the back seat, making it seem as though I was going to get us all killed.

Overreact, much?

Pouting, I got back in the car and bucked up for the second time in a matter of ten minutes.

Gwen scootched forward and I'm wondering why her seat belt wasn't cutting her into two, "Als, if that's how you're gonna drive when you get your license, you're gonna get so many tickets."

And guess what?

Beck should his head in agreement.

"I don't understand what's so wrong with my driving." I turned in my seat and raised my eyebrow at Gwen.

She gave me an 'uh duh' look, "Dude. This is a driveway, not a highway."

"Gwen's right." To this her face perked up. Hm. This is probably the first time in a while Beck's ever talked to her without cruising how she looks or something along those lines. "-You were going way too fast."

I sat front and crossed my arms, "Well, I'm sorry I don't drive like an old woman. Ya know, maybe that's the problem. Maybe, Beck, you drive too slow."

"And maybe, Allison, you hang out with Jade too much."

...He's got a point.

Jade always is pointing out his slow driving-ness.

He really does drive like an old woman, though. I promise.

Imagine I didn't come home right away this morning. Imagine I took Cory up on his offer and went out to lunch with him instead.

I bet he would have taken me somewhere fancy like...somewhere fancy.

But then he would have though I can't handle my own problems having to do with my family, and I totally can.

I handle a lot of things. Not well, perhaps, but I handle them.

I looked in the side view mirror at Gwen, whom was tapping away at a game of Agitated Blue Jays.

I'm eager to find out as to why she's back to normal.

Maybe Ursula moved away, somewhere far. Or died.

The latter may sound terrible, but I'm a terrible person half the time and have no feelings other than hate, sad, happy and love for Cory.

It's simple, really.

Or maybe Gwen just decided not to hang out with Ursula anymore. That could be it too.

I can't believe I wasted a good dose of Oxy on something that went away within days.

Where am I gonna get a replacement for that pill? I don't know. I probably never will.

I'm not a druggie, so these things aren't important to me.

Speaking of things that aren't really important, but I still choose to talk about, "Hey, Gwenny." I didn't twist around fully, just enough to see her face to face.

"Whatty?"

"Did, uhm, Mom happen to mention-"

Gwen put her hand up and smiled, "I know what you're talking about. But let's not make this day about her."

Oh, so now she's Gwen ninja? I see how it is.

I don't know about anyone else in the car, but it just got a little awkward.

Stopped at a red light on Hollywood Boulevard in an awkward car, like yeah.

I hate red lights. They make me angry.

It's like, come on red light, I need to go places too. Ugh, red light, you're lazy just like your father. Why don't you do something better with your life other than making people late

and destroying families.

Red lights are apparently home wreckers in my world.

It's not the color red that I dislike, because red is one of my favorite colors for reasons you don't get to know why.

It's just the whole waiting for it to turn green thing.

Beck took this momentary cease driving, like a grandpa, and asked, "So we could go to Starbucks now, or we could wait until we get to the Beverly Center and go to Frappe Cafe,-"

"No, no, no, no," Gwen and I unusually interrupted in unison.

Because her and I, and if you guys remember, know of a boy who works at Frappe Cafe.

Or did he get fired.

Eh. I don't know and don't care. All I know is that I would never get even a water there if my life depended on it.

Oh and if I've never mentioned it before, the Beverly Center is the mall we go to most of the time, because it's only like ten minutes from our house.

If we're up for a drive, we go to the South Coast Plaza. It's like three Beverly Centers in one.

I pointed at the window to the pale yellow building with giant green letters reading 'Starbucks', "Let's just go to Starbucks. You can get a scone."

Please don't read that 'sc-ah-n.' Despite what Robbie believes, that's not how we say it in this family.

"Is that cool with you, Gwen?" He asked, although already pulling onto the entrance of the little lot Starbucks was in.

Gwen nodded happily, "Yes! I love their smoothies!" Yes sir, Gwen is so back to normal it's not even funny.

When she was a skank, I think she would say something along the lines, "I could care less where I get my grub, as long as I get it and as long as they got beer, yo."

Okay maybe not exactly that. But something totally barbaric and not Gwen like.

My brother pulled in a parking spot, close to the front thank god. Britt's shoes are killing me. I don't think she's worn these enough to break them in.

I also don't think she's ever getting these clothes back. Oh well.

/ /

As soon as my siblings were done feasting on their meat and dairy filled bistro boxes, and Gwen was done slurping on her strawberries and cream smoothie, and I was done with my Green Tea frappo and deluxe fruit blend, we were finally entering the mall.

We all know how I feel about shopping.

Gwen looked all weird though. From the time we parked to the time we walked in, she looked like she had something to say, but didn't know how to say it.

Probably having memories of the last time she was here shoplifting. So glad those days are over.

Aside from that, Miss Gwendoloser's birthday happens to be in a little less than a month.

What should I get her?

She got me such an amazing gift, and I have absolutely no clue what to get for her.

My problem is that I'm really bad at picking gifts for people. I'll tell you why, too. Right after I pick out what size Chanel Number Five perfume I'm getting.

One point seven ounces or three point three ounces?

I still have some left in my other bottle, so I'll just get the small one.

See. See?!

This is my problem.

Whenever I intend to look for things to get someone else, I always end up looking at stuff I want to buy and then buying heaps of things for myself, and nothing for the other person.

Beck and Gwen are over at the jewelry counter, for reasons unknown.

Unless he's fishing for birthday ideas too, or he's asking Gwen's opinion on some type of necklace or ring to get for Jade.

Even though their anniversary isn't for another two months, I think. Something like that.

Beck has a fascination with man jewels. He and Jade both have little symbolic necklaces, and then Beck has a necklace with a 'J' on it.

Then there's his millions and millions of rings. Literally he has a bigger ring collection than me.

"Fifty five dollars and eight cents is your total, Miss." Oh right I just bought some perfume.

I handed the cashier my money and I noticed a small cupcake ring, oh coincidence, on her pinky finger.

Ehmagawd, what if I got Gwen a certificate that allows her to get one Sprinkles cupcake everday for the rest of the year. Do you think that would be expensive?

Not that money is a factor. I already know my dad's pin number to his card.

"Als?" Question one. Why is Gwen motioning to me secretly. Question two. Where did Beck go?

After finalizing my purchase, I grabbed my bag and walked over to Gwen, eyebrow raised. "Where's Beck, nub?"

She rolled her eyes, "He went to the bathroom. That's not important. I need you to help me with something."

Before I could answer, Gwen held up her tote bag and opened it wider so I could see what was inside.

It was all the stuff she had jacked when she, Ursula and I had gone to the mall the other day.

"We need to do some shopdropping."

Awesome. There's no way this could go wrong.

Sarcasm. Sarcasm. "Uh, alright. It'll be hard but-"

"And Aly?" She figdeted in her wedges.

Oh God. "Yeah?"

"I need you to help me with something else, too."


	42. Aly and Gwen get locked up

"_My road of good intentions lead where such roads always lead, no good deed goes unpunished" -Idina Menzel, No Good Deed, Wicked_

**Gwen's POV**

Walking into Ampersand to do some shopdropping, like yeah.

This should be easy. It's just like shoplifting, but in reverse.

... Not that shoplifting was easy. Don't steal, kids.

Aly and I exchanged glances. She looked more confident than I did. Probably because she wasn't the one who stole over a hundred and fifty dollars' worth of clothes and had to put them back without being noticed. But she is helping me, which I thank my lucky stars for.

Thank my lucky stars? Where did that come from... The 1840s?

Never mind.

As we walked toward the area with the 'edgier' clothes where half the contents of this bag came from, I asked, "Wait, what if Beck comes looking for us?"

Aly rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, I texted him and said we went to Build a Bra. He's most likely gonna stay on the complete opposite side of the mall until we say the coast is clear."

I don't think Beck likes to acknowledge the fact that we're not only his sisters, but actual girls with boobs and stuff.

Mine are smallish, but they still count.

"So, there's something I need to ask you."

Why does that tone she's using make me so nervous? "Uhm, okay."

As I started looking for stuff that I swiped from that store in my tote nag, Aly crossed her arms. "What caused the image rewind? Did the VD Queen die in a gang shooting or something?"

I looked back up at her. "Dude, just because Ursula isn't completely squeaky clean doesn't mean she's diseased and in a gang."

"Actually, it kind of does."

I shook my head and went back to rooting through the bag. "Look, after you talked to me, I just started thinking and..." you made me realize what a little beast I was being and how much I was hurting everyone who cared about me, so I wanted to get my life back to relatively normal and make you guys like me again. "I just got tired of the skank scene, that's all."

Aly nodded, not looking convinced at all. "We missed you too, Gwen."

She can see right through me.

I grinned, trying to subtly pull things out of my tote and put them wherever. As long as they're in the store and not on my conscious.

Aly's keeping watch, to make sure nobody who works here is approaching.

At least I think she's doing that.

"Oookaaayy..." I tossed a pair of shorts that had barely covered my buttcheeks in a pile of similar shorts and looked at Aly. "One store down..."

"I have another question." Aly combed her bangs out of her eyes as we walked toward the exit, trying to look nonchalant. I was trying, at least. Aly was succeeding. "You said you needed help with something else, but you never said what. Care to?"

Oh yeah. I didn't forget, I just didn't know how to say it.

"Yeah, of course. Telling you might help. But first..." We were out of the store by that point and walking aimlessly around, but I sort of stopped in the middle of the hall. Whatever, there's plenty of floor room. "Look, I'm sorry about the day before yesterday, when I... y'know, smacked you like the hand of God."

"Good way to describe it." I sense sarcasm. "It's whatever. You're back to normal, so we're putting your skankitude behind us and pretending like it never happened. I barely felt it anyway."

"Really?"

"… No. It stung like a bitch."

Haha.

I mean aww I feel guilty.

"I feel really bad about it," I told you, "and I want to make it up to you." I brushed a piece of hair out of the way and told her, "You have full permission to slap me in the face."

"… Are you high?"

"No! It's like that eye for an eye thing. But with a slap for a slap." I leaned my perfectly smackable face closer and said, "Come on, my perfect little baby face is perfect for hitting!"

As I shut my eyes as tight as possible, I braced myself and waited for impact. "Gwen, you're my sister. Just because you acted like a gank doesn't mean I have to."

That sure didn't sound like a palm colliding with facial flesh.

My tenseness faded and I gave my sister an impressed look. "Wow. Als, when did you get to be so mat-"

Holy halibut, she just slapped me.

And it was quick, too. It took me about three seconds to realize what she had done. The scorching pain on my cheek helped.

"What the wonk, you bitch nugget!" I hissed (or maybe whined) as I put both hands over my left cheek. "You said you weren't going to hit me!"

Aly shook the sting out of her slapping hand and shrugged. "I wasn't prepared and you shouldn't have been either. I'm still mature, I'm just not going to pass up the opportunity to smack you without getting yelled at, that's all."

"… Oh. I guess that makes sense." At least things are even between us now.

It still hurt.

I felt someone tap my shoulder and turned around to find myself looking at the chest of a chunky mall cop. When I looked up, I got to see his mustached face. "Excuse me, is this bag yours?" He held my tote bag up in front of my face.

Oh. I must have dropped that when Aly smacked me. I'm guessing he didn't see Aly do so, since he hasn't arrested her for assault or anything.

I smiled and took it from him. "Yeah, thanks! I am such a klutz."

Aly nodded and I resisted the urge to kick her in the shin.

Mister Mall Cop nodded, looking much more serious. "Yes, but I'm guessing the eighty seven dollars' worth of stolen items that spilled out of it_ aren't_ yours."

… I think I'm frozen. I might be dead.

"You two are in a lot of trouble," he said, waving his finger between Aly and I.

Aly's expression grew blank. "What? Why me? It's _her_ bag!"

Thanks for the defense, big sis.

Though I guess it's kind of the truth.

"It doesn't matter. You seem to be with her, and that makes you an accessory."

And that's the story of how he dragged us away to a part of the mall waaaay in the back, hidden from the shopping world, that held a fate worse than death.

Mall jail.

/ /

"Are you kidding me. They actually have a jail cell in malls?" Aly sat on the hard bench in the lone cell we were not-very-nicely shoved into and muttered, "I thought that was one of those television myths, like alligators living in sewers and Carlos Mencia being funny."

Truth. Even I don't think he's funny.

But this is no time to make fun of overrated comedians.

"You don't understand!" I screeched to the chubby rent-a-cop, gripping onto the big metal bars of the door. "I'll admit that I stole the stuff a few days ago, but I was bringing it back!" I took a deep breath before going on one of my biggest rants yet. "Okay, so a few days ago, my mom said she was pregnant, and I was all like, 'omg, nobody loves me' so I went all gothish and made friends with this punk rock chick I met at a mini mart, and she's a charming girl really, despite the fact that she drinks and smokes and swears like a sailor, and she kind of convinced me to shoplift all that stuff, and I didn't really want to but I did it because I was at a really hard time for me, but then I felt really bad about what I had done, so I went back to normal and made my hair pretty again and I came here to put all the stuff I stole back and please don't arrest me I'll never last in juvie!"

I actually fell onto my knees and panted after that one. Not a single period to be found anywhere in that explanation.

"… I understood none of that."

OH COME ON.

Aly groaned and got back onto her feet. Where did she get those shoes? I want them. But that's not important now. "Look…" She squinted to read his nametag under his fake-looking badge. "Francis."

"That's _Officer Harlow_ to you," Francis said with his big bushy eyebrows furrowed in frustration at her lack of respect for any authority figures.

I'm just gonna call him Francis in my internal dialogue. Because I'm still kind of a BAMF.

But I really want to curl up in the fetal position and cuddle my stuffed manatee right now.

It looked as if Aly resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Right. _Officer Harlow_. My sister here made a mistake, but she really was trying to make things right. Can't you _please_ check the Ampersand security cameras so you can see she really did put stuff back?" It looked like it killed her to say that please. Manners are her kryptonite.

Being in mall prison is mine.

Francis looked skeptical at first, but he slowly uncrossed his arms and nodded. "Alright." He walked to a door that probably led to the room with all the monitors and looked back at us. "Stay here."

Aly looked around, shook the rock solid bars, and then looked back at him. "Where are we gonna go?"

I think he chose to ignore that as he shut the door.

Aly glared at me. I'm guessing she's not a happy camper. "You are the only person in the world who could get us locked up for trying to _return_ stolen items."

I looked down at the dirty concrete floor. "Maybe this is karma. For stealing and getting away with it."

"How is this karma for me?"

I shrugged. "It's not. I think you just have bad luck."

Aly crossed her arms and mumbled, "I have _you_ for a sister, don't I?"

"Ouch." I walked over to sit down on the uncomfortable bench. That was even more ouch. "I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do the right thing!" I rested my elbows on my knees and covered my face with my hands. "This has been the worst four days of my life! Nothing has gone right!" I sniffled, feeling warm tears leak onto the palms of my hands and I didn't even care. "And now this is gonna be on my record and I'll be a convicted felon and convicted felon artists can only get jobs as taggers and spray paint fumes give me headaches and-"

"Gwenny, calm down," Aly said, taking a seat next to me and pulling my hands away from my face. "This really isn't that big of a deal. He's gonna see you were telling the truth and let us go. I'm pretty sure going to mall jail doesn't get put on your record."

I took a few shaky breaths and took a moment to wipe my tears. "Y-You're right. I'm spazzing."

"Just an ordinary day with you, Gwen," Aly said, smirking and leaning on the brick wall behind us.

I sighed, leaning back as well. It was quiet between us, and I think Aly was just waiting to get the hell out of there because it smelled like sweat and pretzels . But Gwenny doesn't like the quiet, so she broke it. "Do you wanna hear what else I need your help with?"

Aly barely shrugged. "I don't have anything better to do right now."

I rested my head on the cold brick, looked up at the ceiling, not at anything in particular since it was just white and boring, and quietly said, "I've been denying it since I first found out about her, but… I think I want to meet Naomi."

Aly usually has something to say to everything, but not this time. At least not at first. "Serious?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I love being an Oliver and all the insanity that comes with it…" I paused to look around at the current insanity. Ah, good times. "And I'm not gonna start calling her Mom and be bee eff eff's with her or anything, but I just… I just want to _meet_ her. See what she's like and why she did what she did." I crossed my arms, and tears were threatening to fall again. I kept them at bay. "She wants to meet me and… I just want closure."

I could see Aly slowly nod out of the corner of my eye. "Yeah… I guess I can understand that."

"And I-I want you to come with me because… Well…" I shot her a glance, which probably looked all weepy and pathetic, and whispered, "I don't want to do it alone."

Aly's lips tightened in that way they generally do when she agrees to something she'd rather not do, but would do for me because she's the best big sister in the world. "Of course I'll come with you." She brushed hair out of my eyes and smiled. "And I'll hold you back in case you go all Maury on her and flip your shit."

Allison Jane Oliver is the only person in the world who could possibly make me laugh when we're both in a jail cell in the Beverly Center.

See, God put me where I am for a reason. I just need to figure out how it led to that.

After I calmed down a bit, Francis came back into the room, looking a lot less grumpy. He walked over to the bars and told us, "I reviewed the security footage. Your story checks out. The stolen items have been returned and since you two don't look like the usual kids we have to put in here, I think we can put this whole thing behind us."

"Yay!" I jumped up and ran over. I couldn't really hug him, so I just sort of stuck my arms out and flapped them in his direction. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you! You are a nice man! It's been so long since I've been on the outside!"

"We've been in here for eleven minutes."

"Stop crushing my joy, Allison!"

Francis cleared his throat, interrupting our sisterly quarrel. "However, since you're minors, I can't legally release you right away. A parent or guardian has to come before I can."

… Frozen again. I think I'm really dead this time.

"What? But you _know_ we didn't do anything wrong!" Aly cried, stomping back over so she could glare at him with more intensity. "Today, I mean. And I technically didn't do anything wrong at all. I am a victim in this whole thing."

Yeah yeah. Thanks again, Aly-kins.

Francis the mall cop just held his hands up in defense. "I don't make the rules, kid. I just have to follow them."

"You can follow my foot going up your-"

I pulled Aly away and dragged her over to the farthest corner of the itty bitty cell. "We can't call Mom or Dad," I frantically whispered. "Jane's all moody from her lack of fetus, and I don't think she's going to take her daughters getting thrown in jail lightly!"

"You think I wanna be the one who has to make that call?" Aly hissed back. "I don't even like talking to them when I have _good_ news."

Then, the worst, but only idea I had regarding this whole mess popped into my head.

"Officer Harlow, our older brother is here. Can he come get us?"

As Francis thought that over, Aly smacked me upside the head. I don't blame her. "You think_that's_ better?" More whispering. Even harsher, this time.

"Better than being grounded for the rest of the summer! And I want to get out of here as fast as possible!"

"… I guess I do too." Aly's admitting defeat? That's a first.

After his moment of thought, Francis asked, "Is he eighteen?"

"… Yes."

"What's his name?"

He bought that. Okay then. "B-Beck Oliver."

Walking over to a small desk in the room, he picked up this microphone looking thing and pressed a button on it. I guess that's for making announcements and calling older brothers down so they can kill you and stuff.

"Beck Oliver, please report to the Front Service Desk. We have something for you."

He makes it sound like he found his wallet instead of captivating his sisters.

… Holy balls what have I just done.


	43. a long road ahead

New Victorious tonight! I'm watching it by myself while eating a pizza I ordered online because ordering pizza over the phone gives me anxiety.

Oh well. Enjoy this awesome chapter Cici wrote.

* * *

><p><em>"To be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved<em>_." - George MacDonald_

**Aly's POV**

Have you ever been in a situation where you know that what you did was the right thing to do, but the outcome is going to be less than good because of one factor?

See now that opening sentence may have not made any sense, but I'm going to put it in simpler terms.

Technically, neither Gwen or I are in trouble, well maybe Gwen is, and telling that sorry excuse for a mall cop to call our brother was a good thing, because it's the only way to get out of here.

Honestly though, think of what the outcome will be when Beck gets here and is like, "Oh my God. What did you two do."

That's weird. I wasn't expecting my inner dialogue Beck voice to sound so real.

Oh chiz. That's 'cause it is real.

My brother, Beckett, now stand before us, a tall five foot ten, about five or six inches taller than me, and like, ten inches taller than Gwendolyn.

His arms are crossed and his expression is the opposite of please, but somehow he doesn't look all that surprised.

"Hey, Becketool. What up?" I casually asked, playing it cool. Situations stay cool when one acts cool.

It helps that I'm cool all around all the time.

Except those times where I totally spazz out and go completely bonkers. Which, aside from lately, isn't very often.

Beck, yeah I know, ran his fingers through his fingers and sighed, "I knew one day I'd find you in here, Aly." Thanks. My brother looked at Gwen, "I just didn't think she'd actually rope you into something that landed you in here, too."

Oh. Okay, so Gwen does something bad, and I try to do something good and help her return all this crap, and he auto thinks that it was me?

Why would he assume that I'm the one who 'landed' us in here?

...Hm. Okay. There are a lot of reasons. Let's leave it at that.

"Excuse me, young man. I need to see some identification." Young man? LOL.

Beck nodded and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket to get his driver's license.

I felt a small poke in my side and turned to see Gwen who had her hand up to her mouth, biting at her nails. What a nasty habit. "What?" I raised my eyebrow.

Gwen looked nervous, "Do you think he's mad?" She asked, quietly.

"Well, considering he thinks I'm the one that got us in here, I'd say he's not mad at you."

This statement made Gwen smile. Oh yeah, thanks. I'll take my rightful place as being the terrible child in this house. Everyone seems to agree on that.

There's that middle child syndrome again.

I wonder why Gwen is so worried that she'll get in trouble? I guess it's because she sort of just won Beck and I back, so to speak. I would say she doesn't want to do anything that will mess that up again.

Before I knew it, the mall cop was unlocking this terribly smelling jail cell type of deal and Beck was standing before us waiting for an answer. "So, what did you break and what do I have to pay for?" He asked, while walking us out of the security room and silently thanking the man for putting up with us.

He shouldn't thank him. That Neanderthal totally almost made me scuff my heel whilst pushing us into that cell.

If I did scuff my heel because of him, I don't think he would be living right now.

Gwen looked at me for an answer, reminding me that our brother had just asked a question, and for once I don't exactly know what to say. Not that I really ever know what to say. I just wing it.

I mean, does Gwen want to tell him what she was doing? "Uh, well, you see, you know those signs that say 'buy now pay later'? The layaway? Well. Gwen thought you could just take what you wanted, and pay when you have the money. But, I so nicely explained that it's not how it works, so she wanted to return all her stuff and be a good citizen." You know, that story sounds really familiar.

It sounds like a really wierd nineties plot line for a TV show. Eh. Whatever.

"Allison. That's an episode of Full House."

"So you openly admit you watch that show on a regular basis?"

Beck shook his head in a flustered manor, "This isn't about me. I just wanna know why my little sisters were in mall jail." He stopped short on our walk to the exit.

Damn.

Gwen twiddled her fingers together and clutched the strap of her bag, "Earlier this week...uhm, Ursula and I went to the mall and we sort of...sort of sh-shop l-lifted." She shut her eyes so tight that I thought they would start bleeding or something.

Or something.

Do I say that a lot or something?

Shit. I do, don't I?

Anyway. Gwen was refusing to make eye contact with our brother, obviously because her eyes are closed, but I was.

He looked...again surprised and there was a dash of anger with some disappointment thrown into the mix. "You what?"

"Beck, she totally returned all the stuff today." I reassured him, placing a hand on his arm.

I thought that would lighten things up and I guess it worked.

Beck sighed an overexaggerated sigh and breathed out, "Gwen."

Gwen's eyes sprung open and she quickly turned around and gave Beck a giant hug, to which for some reason, he didn't react with words, but instead returned the hug.

It was like with no words, everything that happened in the last few days sort of went away and all was forgiven.

Is this some like, mushy sibling moment?

I guess it is, because as of right now, Allison Jane Oliver has joined in on this sibling moment hug situation.

And I smiled to myself, because this is nice.

I swear to God, if you tell anyone that I just said that, I will make you eat your pants.

/ /

I pretty much spent the whole ride home listening to the soundtrack from 'Uptown, Downtown' which isn't my favorite play considering I have to listen to Tori's voice accompanying my brothers' on 'Finally Falling'.

Even though that's like, one of my favorite songs from a play that our school has done.

I would never tell Tori Vega that, though, because I don't want her thinking that I admire her voice or something.

The only voices I admire are Idina Menzel, Kristin Chenoweth, Caterina Valentine, Jadelyn West and Imogen Heap.

And probably like three hundred more voice that I don't feel like listing, and...maybe I do like Tori's voice, but that doesn't mean I admire it.

Not only was I listening to the music that Gwen kept trying to sing along to, but I was also thinking deeply.

About what you might ask?

I was thinking about one Naomi Duncan, AKA, Gwendolynne's biological mother.

Now you guys are probably re-reading that name and thinking, 'uh, Als, how could you spell your own sisters name wrong? das wack.' You might find it interesting to know that Gwen's full name was originally spelt like that.

I guess Beck heard my mom talking about when we first adopted her. Man, my brother has a really good memory.

Anyway, he told me and I decided to tell you guys.

The reason it's now spelled 'G-w-e-n-d-o-l-y-n' is because my mother thought the 'ne' at the end was too much and looked too strange.

Yeah. She's a nutblock who doesn't allow obvious strange, even though Gwen turned out strange anyway.

Kidding, love you, sis.

Like I was saying, I honestly do understand that Gwen needs closure, and I do believe she'll get that by meeting her for the first time.

First time since she popped out of her vag, that is.

I just hope this doesn't turn into some carnival of madness where the main event is Gwen getting super mega pissed and yelling at Naomi.

That would be terrible. But funny. Terribly funny.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to do while we're there. Although making sure Gwen doesn't get super mega pissed is something.

And letting her release fifteen years of adoption anger on Naomi's face is something, too.

I still haven't even thought of how we're going to get there. In reality, we could take a cab or a bus, but I don't roll that way.

I could also bribe Jade to distract Beck with her boobs, then when he's all hot and bothered I'll get in his car and drive to Naomi's place. Wherever that may be.

Except Gwen will probably never drive with me until I've been certified as a safe driver.

Sigh.

"Als, are you just gonna sit there all night?" Gwen shook my shoulder and I slowly blinked, realizing that apparently we've arrived home. I looked up, and my sister was standing in front of the open passenger side door, "Come on."

Stepping out of the car, I apologized, "Sorry, I was thinking."

Beck let out a small chuckle and shook his head, making his way toward the house.

Oooh. I wonder what our parents will say when they see that Old Gwen is back.

A few moments later, when we had all reached the front door, Gwen sighed heavily, "I hope this isn't awkward."

"Use that wish wisely. Everything you do is awkward."

Light smack on the arm from Gwen doesn't compare to the complete bitch slap I gave her today.

And the complete bitch slap she gave me two nights ago.

Was it two nights ago? I think it was, 'cause yesterday, or Friday, was Canada Day, and she slapped me the night before. So Thursday night, and today is Saturday, so yeah, two

nights ago.

I'm sorry for my inner rambles. I just needed to figure that out.

Before opening the door, Beck patted Gwen's back and whispered, "It'll be fine,"

/ /

It was fine.

My parents were simply overjoyed to see Gwen back to her normal self, aside from the new nose jewelry. But they didn't mind that so much now that she didn't wear hooker clothes.

Oh, I was right, too. What did I say they were going to say?

'I knew it was just a phase!' Yup. Jane said that.

I just smirked to myself and chalked one up for Allison.

We had dinner around the table and my mother apologized for being so...being so her and that she realized having a baby isn't that important. What's important is that we're all happy again and we can continue our summer.

She sounds like an after school special hosted by Will Schuester.

All that matter is today is Sunday. The resting day. The day where Aly sleeps until whenever she feels like sleeping 'till.

Too bad that's not this Sunday.

Nope. Today Gwen woke me up by calling my phone.

Eight times.

Eight times she called my phone. "Why didn't you just come in my room and wake me up?" I asked her while brushing out my bed head.

"Your room is miles away from mine, and my phone was in my bra."

Lazy. "So," I lowered my voice, just in case anyone was upstairs besides her and I. Not that I don't think my parents would be thrilled at the idea, since it was theirs first. But, I think Gwen wants this to be more private. "Did you, uh, call-"

"No. I wanted you to be here when I did." Gwen said rather confidently as she started searching through her phone.

Why does she want me to be here for everything having to do with this? Not that I mind, because my job as an older sister is to be there for her all the time.

It's just, I didn't really think I was that important to her.

Obviously I'm important to her, but important enough to have her want me to be there with her when she meets her birth mom?

Needless to say, I feel special. "Sh, it's ringing!" Gwen swatted the air like a Cat Bee was ready to attack her.

Google Cat Bees. They're terrifying.

"I wasn't saying anything..." I mumbled, laying back on my bed, waiting for Naomi to pick-

That would be the sound of a phone being thrown half way across the room. "Wah, I can't do this! I'll just text her!"

Are you chizzing kidding me. "Gwen, do you want me to call her?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

She stood up, very jittery might I add, "No, no. I'll just text her. It'll be fine." Crossing the room and collecting her phone, the very nervous blonde started tapping away on her phone.

This is going to be a long day. I can feel it in my bones.

I wonder what Gwen is planning on telling Beck.

Dammit, that reminds me, I still don't know how we're going to get to wherever we're going.

There was one option that I had been pondering before I fell asleep, but it'll probably be years before I ask her for help. Still, though...

It wasn't long before Gwen's phone let out a 'Bazinga!' to let her know that she had a text. I flipped back up, now sitting and crossing my legs, waiting for Gwen to let me know the outcome of her text.

There she was, on the opposite side of my room, staring at her phone.

"Well?"

Gwen looked up at me, and then back at her phone, and once again at me. "She said this afternoon is perfect. She also said that she could come pick us up, but I don't want her to come here and have to sit in the car with her and-"

Yeah, this morning has been full of interuppting others' sentences. "Gwen. I know who can drive us. It's someone we can trust, because she'd do anything to earn my complete trust."

Immediately after saying that, I grabbed my own phone from under my pillow and scrolled down my contacts, carefully choosing which one to click.

After a few rings a voice on the other side perkily said, "Hello?"

Gwen, this is for you. I hope you know that.

"Tori? I need you to help me with something."


	44. big surprises and big changes

this chapter is terrible.

tell cici how terrible it is and how she should write every single chapter at her tumblr at srzlysaywhaaaa . tumblr . com

tell me how terrible i am at writing and that i should stick to being ugly at my tumblr, with its new url, gobeyondtheflannel . tumblr . com

woosh onto the chapter

* * *

><p><em>"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "<em>

_~ Eleanor Roosevelt_

**Gwen's POV**

"Thanks for this, Tori," I quietly said, long after she pulled away from my house.

"No problem," Tori said, smiling at me from the rearview mirror as she pulled back onto the street. "Anything to get away from Trina. She's freaking out because she and my parents are visiting colleges soon and my dad says she can only bring three suitcases."

"Dear God. She's probably having an aneurism," Aly muttered from the front seat. Her arms were crossed and it looked like she didn't want to be in Tori Vega's car or anywhere in her vicinity for that matter, but I think she's putting up with her for my sake.

I'm grateful for that, since I'm already nervous enough. I don't need my sister killing the girl driving us to my birth mother's house.

I'm going to my birth mother's house. That's so weird for me to say.

Now I'm sure some of you are like 'r u gunna slap hur an beetch hur out fer geeving u up an junk lol omg wtf' and you can just stop right there, because I'm not gonna go all Hulk-Gwen on Naomi. I want to meet her for closure, not so I can bitch her out.

Because no matter what, the choices she made led to me being where I am right now. And though my life isn't perfect, it's pretty great. And I'm sure Naomi had her reasons.

I just wanna find out what they were, that's all.

"So…" It got kind of quiet in the car, and I guess Tori thought that was a bad thing (sometimes it is, but in this case it really wasn't), so she asked, "Why are we going to the address Aly texted me?"

Oh. I guess I should tell her that. So why aren't words coming out of my mouth?

Thank God Aly said something. I guess I was looking at her and begging her to respond. Or maybe she just decided to do it. I don't remember. "We're going to meet somebody. Somebody kind of… important."

"Oh… Can I have some more details?"

"No!" The way that came out made it seem like Aly said that.

It was me.

Oops.

"This is, uh, kind of private," Aly said, not at all snarkily. "We probably shouldn't talk about it." Wow, she's really trying hard to be nice to her. And I'm acting like a total gank.

I'm about to do something that could be life-changing. I can't focus on not acting like a gank.

"Oh. Okay." Tori nodded in understanding. "I can respect that."

Aly nodded, but I bet if she wasn't forcing herself to be polite she would have said, 'Thanks for not being a nosy bitch for once in your life blah blah' or something.

I say or something almost as much as my sister.

Sweet jangles, we just pulled up to 894 Willow Ridge. This is it. This is where the woman who conceived me lives.

"I change my mind. Let's go to Top Nacho, I hear they have three tacos for seventy five cents, that's a pretty good-"

"Gwen, you wanted to do this. You're going to," Aly told me, unbuckling herself and getting out of the passenger's seat.

Gah. She's right. And she's aggressive.

But I need her aggressiveness right now.

"Thanks again, Tori," I muttered, sliding out of the backseat.

Tori cast me a small smile over her shoulder and nodded. "Just text me when your... whatever is done and I'll come back."

Bless this perfectly cheekboned angel.

After Tori drove off, I looked at Naomi's house. It's not as big as my house, but it's a nice sized house. Kind of big for just one person, though. But for all I know, Naomi could be married. But she might not be. I've only ever seen this woman from the back and don't know anything about her.

Other than that she originally spelled my name Gwendolynne, has brownish red hair and didn't want me.

I glanced over at Aly, and I probably looked really pitiful. She just grabbed my hand, gave it a small squeeze and let me up to the front door. She rang the doorbell and I almost considered asking my sister if she was sure about Top Nacho, but the door opened.

You know how when something big happens to you, time sort of slows down and you're not sure what's going on around you except for the one thing you're focusing on? That's kind of what's happening now.

"Gwendolynne…" Naomi smiled, and I could see tears building up in her eyes that look exactly like mine. "Oh, Gwen. I… You're even more beautiful than the pictures Jane sent…"

Naomi… She kind of does look like me. We have the same eyes, same facial shape, and she's pretty short, like me, but about three inches taller.

But one thing I don't have is a huge stomach on my petite body.

Naomi rested a hand on her bulging stomach and quietly said, "There's a reason I wanted to talk with you."

I wish it would be that you wanted to discuss that giving me up made you really fat.

/ /

I'm pretty sure this pregnancy isn't hysterical. It's the real deal.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna flip out and go all skankoid on everyone again. I need to have a level head.

But holy shit my birth mother is pregnant again for rizzle.

"I wanted to meet you when I wasn't showing so much," Naomi explained, placing Aly's coffee and my hot chocolate on the coffee table in front of us. After slowly sitting back down on the loveseat adjacent to us, she added, "But that didn't really work out."

Because I flipped out and ran off, which made Jane cancel that little meet your mommy dinner.

I feel like I should want to flip out but… I don't know how to react.

I didn't really say anything to what she said. I hadn't said anything since we got here.

Naomi let out a small sigh and gently told me, "Gwen, this isn't going to be easy for either of us."

"A lot of things in my life haven't been easy." Hey, there's my voice. Let's see if we can use that again. "Not that you'd know that."

That last part sounded a lot less bitchy in my head.

I really didn't come here to insult her. I just want to talk like adults.

I'm not starting out so well.

Naomi's lips tightened, but she didn't look irritated. Sad, maybe. Yeah, definitely sad. "I know. But to start off… Do you have any questions?"

I have so many. Why did you give me up? Did you not love me? Why did you want to meet me all of the sudden? Is it because you want to give your other fetus to my adoptive mother?

"Why?"

That was all I said. That was all I had to say.

Naomi gnawed on her lip for a second before quietly beginning her tale. "I started dating Jared Wilkerson when I was fifteen… We had been dating for six months when I found out I was pregnant." She brushed a strand of hair out of her face, probably so she could do something besides look at me. "He broke up with me when I told him. He didn't want to be a father."

I could figure that much out.

No time for internal sarcasm, Gwenny.

"My parents were devastated. I was raised in a conservative home, so it was their worst nightmare come true." She rested her hand on her belly and looked out into space, kind of like I do when I recollect stuff from my past. "My mother wanted me to get an abortion. I refused. I couldn't do that. I loved you with all my heart, even before you were born."

"If you loved me so much, why did you give me up?" I didn't ask that all angrily. It was genuine curiosity, mixed with a little hurt. It's not like being given up on by your mother is fun.

"Gwen, you have to understand…" Naomi looked like she was fighting back tears, and I might have been too. I don't remember that either. "My parents gave me an ultimatum. If I kept you, they were going to disown me. I had no place to go. My friends couldn't have taken me in, Jared refused to speak to me, and none of my family members wanted anything to do with me anymore. I didn't want to drop out of school and I couldn't very well raise you without diapers or clothes or a roof to put over your head."

Huh. I guess she might have been onto something there.

"And then one day, my dad came home from work and said that a coworker of his was interested in adoption." Naomi tucked the strand of hair from before behind her ear. I guess she messes with her hair when she's nervous. "I had never considered it, but he told me she and her husband well off, had a beautiful house, and that they had two kids already, so they knew how to take care of a baby, unlike myself. They sounded great."

Well, that was before they got all alcohol-lovin' and slap happy and annoying. But they're a'ight.

"The day you were born…" Naomi wasn't even trying not to cry now. She wasn't sobbing or anything, but the tears were finally falling. "They placed you in my arms, and I looked down at you… You were the most beautiful, perfect thing I had ever seen. I... I almost told James and Jane that I had changed my mind, that I wanted to keep you and raise you myself… But that wouldn't have been fair to you." She wiped her eyes with the backs of her pointer fingers and quietly said, "You deserved someone who could take care of you… You deserved a family."

Oh.

I didn't know all that stuff.

I just thought she was lazy.

The only problem is, I don't really know how to react to all this. I came here for closure. I got my answers. They satisfy me. I suppose.

I know I was put with the Olivers for a reason. Naomi apparently knew that too.

"Th-Thank you," was all I could think to say. "I love my family. Y-You made the right choice."

Naomi gave me a sort of sad smile and nodded. "I'm glad to hear that. It'd be perfectly understandable if you held any sort of ill will against me."

Ill will? My mommy likes rhyme scores too!

I mean Naomi likes them. Or not. I think will ill is a common expression that just happens to rhyme.

"I did at first." I could admit that, right? "But I did some thinking… And this helped. I really just needed to hear your side."

Sorry that none of this is very funny. There aren't many wisecracks and I'm not cussing her out and threatening to break the mug I hadn't even touched and cut her with it. This is dramatic and life-changing, sure, but it isn't as dramatic as I thought it'd be. But sometimes not everything in life has to be.

Aly's just kind of sitting next to me, saying nothing. I didn't really bring her here to say anything, because this is sort of for me, but I feel better just having her here, you know? While Naomi was talking, she placed a hand on my back and rubbed it up and down all comfortingly. She's moral support. And she's the best big sister in the world.

But this is my moment, so screw her.

Tapping the tips of my fingers on my knees, I asked "Um… What have you been up to since then? Besides…" I pointed to her belly.

I didn't really finish that. I don't think I had to.

Naomi let out a breath and said, "After you went home with the Olivers, my family relocated to Seattle. My parents just thought we needed to… to get away from the memories."

Aly and I exchanged a look. I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, but I think they moved because my biological grandfather was a hotshot lawyer and he was embarrassed that everybody knew his daughter got knocked up. But neither of us said that.

"I finished up high school, but only got through the first semester of college. I dropped out and got a job as a waitress to support myself, because I was sick of my parents." Naomi looked almost as uncomfortable telling this story as she did the previous one. This stuff probably isn't pleasant to talk about. "I was barely scraping by, and I almost considered giving up and crawling back to my parents, but… but then Todd Blau started working there."

I'm guessing he's the guy in all these pictures with her around the house.

"He was working his way through college. We had most of our shifts together, one thing led to another… He saved me." Naomi nodded. "That's all I can say. I was in a dark place, and he pulled me out and made things better. We got married after he graduated."

I wonder if she was in a dark place because she gave me up or because my grandparents are apparently big poops. Maybe a mixture of both.

"We moved to Los Angeles several months ago, because he had gotten a better job offer." Naomi rubbed her stomach and whispered, "Later on, I found out I was pregnant."

Oh god the P word.

Not please. Or pee. Or peanuts.

"Does he know about me? Todd, I mean?"

She nodded. "Yes. He… He'd like to meet you too. If you wanted."

I, uh.

Uh.

The aching that's been in the back of my head is finally building up into a full blown headache.

"I… Uh… Why did you want to meet me? Why now? Is it just because you're… with child?"

Sweet molasses, that's worse than the P word.

"The truth is, I've always wanted to meet you. Before my parents decided to move, your mother and father offered to make it an open adoption. I wanted to do it so badly, but… getting to see you grow up and know I couldn't be a part of it…" She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I knew I couldn't handle that."

I never thought I'd feel sympathy for this woman, this woman that I've hated for weeks. But look at me, getting all misty eyed. Darn my compassion for people.

"I gave the Olivers my new address before I left. Your mother sent copies of pictures of you, and copies of your artwork… It always killed me that I couldn't be there to get the original, but I knew you had a good life and I didn't want to ruin that." I finally picked up the hot chocolate she made me. It was cold. I couldn't make myself care. "When Todd and I moved here, I considered contacting you, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I figured you hated me."

I never hated you until I found out about you. Because before I thought you were a spy.

"The day Beckett and Allison came into Wok Star… That just seemed like a sign." Naomi laced her fingers together over her bump. "I know it sounds silly, but I hadn't even been scheduled to work that day and I filled in for a friend at the last minute. For that to happen, that just proved to me that I needed to find you."

So this is all Jade and Beck's fault for wanting Chinese food that day. Curse them.

Wait, how did Aly and Beck not see that she was pregnant? It's not like baby bumps are hard to spot.

Then again, she was hidden behind the cash register at Wok Star. And sometimes you can't see pregnancy belly from behind, like when I saw her talking to my parents at Hollywood Arts.

Meh. I don't know anything about pregnancy.

"That, and…"

Naomi's been pausing a lot today. I guess she's thought about this meeting for years, and what she'd say and all that, but it actually came time to say all the stuff she thought up, she'd just draw a blank. I am too, which is why I haven't talked all that much. Aly hasn't talked at all. That's odd, especially for her.

Back to Naomi. "I thought you deserved to know that by the end of the summer, you're going to have a baby half-brother."

"I… It's a boy?" I don't feel the same way I felt when Jane said she was pregnant. It could be because I would never have to see this baby if I didn't want to. And he wouldn't keep me up all night or pee on me. But I'm not even upset about this. What the hell is wrong with me?

Naomi smiled and nodded, hand on her belly once again. "Todd and I aren't asking to be your new family. You already have an amazing family."

I looked over at Aly, who mustered up a supportive smile, as she was probably trying to hide how uncomfortable she is right now. Now I feel bad for saying she could get attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

That's Big Bang Theory talk for 'screwed'.

See? There's a little bit of comedy in this chapter.

Unless you don't like the Big Bang Theory. In which case, you also don't like fun and amazingness.

Dang it. Back to Naomi. "But we'd love for you to be a part of our son's life." She reached over and rested her hand on the one I had on the arm of the couch. I didn't pull away. "And I'm sure he'd love to have his big sister in his life."

Wow. When I was little and Aly used to make me put her toys away for her because she was too lazy and Beck told me I couldn't eat his toy car just because it was cherry red, I had always prayed to God every night and asked for a little sibling to boss around. God apparently knew Jane and James didn't need any more insane kids. And Beck.

But now it's different. It's all different and scary and I don't know what to do.

Actually, I do. And the answer doesn't scare me, for some reason.

"I'd love that."


	45. possible friendships and exciting news

_"Great minds run in great circles." - Anon_

**Aly's POV**

Well, if the previous situation wasn't awkward enough, we're now sitting in Tori's car driving back to our house in sheer awkwardness.

Let's recap, and by recap, I mean we're going to tell one of Aly's famous recaps in the form of a story.

Once upon a time, there were two people, married and in what some may call love. Those people were Jane and James Oliver. Just a year after they were wed, they had a baby boy named Beckett James Oliver. About a year and a half after they had Beckett, they had a beautiful, talented, baby girl named Allison Jane Oliver. They were as happy as a family of four could be, but, two kids just weren't enough for them. So, after a few months of questions and awaited answers, the family was blessed with the ability to adopt a baby girl, whom was named Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver.

Fifteen years later, through good times, bad times and many shenanigans that are much too difficult to explain within this story, please refer to a lovely story appropriately titled Just Go With It, the innocent girl's mother made a surprise visit in her life.

Gwendolyn didn't know how to deal with it at first, getting so confused and angry that she shattered the glass of a lovely portrait of her family in the grand foyer.

Allison really liked how she looked in that picture, so she was displeased with Gwen's actions.

None the less, after more wacky antics, depressing dialogues and rebellious phases, Gwendolyn decided that it was time to face her birth mother and figure things out.

...I think that's where our story ends. I didn't add anything about the fact that she's technically going to have a little brother by the end of this summer.

Half brother, anyway.

But yeah. Recap in the form of a story. I'm a really good story teller, if you couldn't figure that our for yourself.

One year at this arts camp, I volunteered to tell stories at the 'haunted' campfire. I successfully made three kids wet themselves, four kids wanted to immediately leave camp and one had to be institutionalized.

Jade was really proud. My parents were terrified and made me promise never to tell Gwen those stories.

It's a promise I broke, but whatever.

As of right now, Tori is looking at Gwen in the rear view mirror and making these weird concerned faces.

We still haven't told her why we needed her to drive us to some mystery house or who we were talking to.

Well, who Gwen was talking to. I didn't really talk. It was too weird.

She didn't even get up to punch her in the tit or throw her cup against the wall. Both things that I would have done.

Maybe she's mature.

Or maybe she was just to shell shocked by the fact that her giver up-er is having yet another child.

Hopefully she won't give this one away.

Was that mean? Like, don't judge me if a bunch of what I say right now is really mean, because I just have a lot of feelings.

I mean about this situation I have a lot feelings. But in general, too.

"Tori, if you keep making that face, your face is gonna be stuck like that forever." I propped my elbow on the little arm rest of the door and rolled my eyes at her.

She rounded the corner of the street that led to my house and sighed, "I just- please tell me you two didn't commit a murder and I'm driving the getaway car."

Where does she come up with this stuff? "Definitely, Tori. We went inside that house back there, and completely slaughtered this married couple because they wouldn't give us their cat." I think that was an episode of Crime Scene Investigation. "Afterwards, we chopped them into pieces and blended them up into smoothies. Sorry we didn't bring you any."

That was really graphic. "You spend a lot of time with Jade, don't you?"

At least she's smart.

No word from Gwen, though. Which is weird because she was fine in the house, especially when she told Naomi that she'd love to be a part of her new little baby sibling person's life.

Eh. I'm happy for her. Naomi, I mean.

Is it so bad for me to not want Gwen to be a part of the seed's life? This sounds really selfish, and I'm sorry, well I'm not because I couldn't care less about what you people think of me, but Gwen's my little sibling.

And it's like...a rule against nature to finally give the little sibling another little sibling.

Gwen was made to be a younger sister, not an older one. It's just not right.

Even through the time it took me to get out that mini rant, she hasn't spoken.

I swear, the only reason I know she's still in the back there is because I heard her cough once or twice. That's probably my Country Chic bath and body works body splash. I may have put too much on and it's lingering to the back seat.

Oh well.

At least it's not essence of Robbie, or the aroma of Austin Shizuka. 'Cause you know, he smells like corn chips.

Even though neither Gwen nor I have ever- you probably know this next line. So I'll skip it.

It's really strange that Gwen's not speaking right now. It might be 'cause Tori's in the car and chiz, but, there's no escaping the fact that Naomi said she's going to have a little baby sibling person, as I've said previously.

I can't wait to get out of this car and hear what she has to ramble on about on the subject.

Tori pulled the car up to the front of my house and gave me the cheesiest smile ever. Or it may have been genuine, but really everything she does to me is cheesy. Like singing songs about making it shine and telling people that you love them or some nonsense.

I love those two songs. Not lying. Because Andre wrote them. Yeah. "We're here. I hope you-" Tori stopped saying whatever it is she was going to end this magical chauffeuring trip with as Gwenny had already gotten out of the car and started toward the house.

Oh that's the polite way to thank someone.

Not that I'm one for polite-ness. But hey, this latina did drive us to Gwen's bio mom's house with no questions asked. That's pretty decent.

Tori looked at me, probably expecting me to not thank her either, and I really wasn't, okay I was, "She's thankful, really she is, Tor." That was hard to choke out. That last 'Tor'. "It's just...she's got a lot on her mind right now." And I smiled.

I'm pleasant, that's why.

"It's okay. I understand. Whatever this trip was for, I hope it turned out well, and if you ever need someone to drive you to your victims house, I'll be there."

I opened the door, but before getting out, I leaned closer to the driver's seat and-

I, Allison Jane Oliver, hugged Miss Victoria 'Maybe I do Kind of Want to Know Her Middle Name' Vega.

"Thanks, Tori."

I need to get out of this car quick before she shows me some Lifetime Movie Network look of prospering friendship that I can't handle.

/ /

After finally catching up with Gwen, and by catching up with her, she was already in her room. Man, she's fast when she wants to be fast.

Have you ever wondered why we can do things when we actually want to do them?

Like, I can be the most convincing liar in the world when I want to. Or like, I can excel in math when I want to and am not tempted to throw a sock full of butter at my math teacher.

There was no point to that, I just had no other filler between the point where I reached Gwen and the point where we are now speaking.

She's more open to talking now that Tori isn't in the area.

Tori's probably at home posting all over the slap that her and I are best friends now and we're gonna have a best friend sleepover that includes painting our nails and watching porn together.

"But why porn..."

"Excuse me?" Gwen blinked her eyes a few times and uncomfortably moved a piece of hair behind her ear.

I need to learn how to keep the things I say in my head, in my head. "Uh. Nothing. I was just thinking about Tori-"

"And porn?" Gwen just barely breathed out the last word. I wonder if that's an odd word for her to say.

Not that it's all sunshine and rainbows for me to say. I'm just not as prude about it as her.

Wait. But now she thinks I'm thinking about porn and Tori at the same time. Maybe a few minutes ago I was, but I'm definitely not thinking about Tori anymore besides in this dialogue.

But I am thinking about porn. "How about we move onto a different subject." Gwen nodded thankfully and stuck her tongue out. "Like, how do you...you know, feel?"

She spun once around in her pink swirly chair and raised her eyebrow at me, "About what?"

"About what happened at Naomi's. What she said." I don't know why I want her to start freaking out and going on ten minute rambles about what happened. It'd just be normal.

Gwen got up and shrugged her shoulders a bit, "Als, I don't know what to feel. I'm happy that she's having another baby and relieved to find out that she did this all for my own good."

Yeah because we haven't been telling you that ever since you found out about your adoption.

She continued, "I'm glad that I did this, though. I don't regret it at all. I think I've finally found the closure I was looking for." With that she smiled, and instantly I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness for my baby sister.

Yet, she hadn't said one word about telling Beck. Then again, he'd probably get all mushy and be like 'oh gwenny lemme hold you'.

Nah, that'd be my mother.

Ugh. When she gets mushy, watch out. She'll want to watch the Notebook and 'be girls'. That's some scary shit.

I would have offered some kind words of some sort, but my phone has buzzed, indicating this popular chick has received a text.

Please be Cory. "Is that Cory?" Gwen asked, craning her neck to get a look at my phone.

"I hope so, I need a good dose of sexy texting." I grinned, slipping my hand into my back pocket and pulling out my PearPhone.

Gwen made a 'bleh' noise and jumped onto her bed that I was sitting on, "What exactly is sexy texting?" She asked.

As if she had four heads, I stared at her, "Uh, you know. Texting that is sexy. It's like the PG-13 version of sexting. We just tell each other the things we would if we were-"

"Please. Dear God, just answer you phone and stop talking."

Well fine.

I unlocked my phone, and to my displeasure, it was not Cory, but my mother. Her ears must have been ringing. "It's just Mom. She wants us to know that she has exciting news. Wow, mom. That's informative." I groaned, tossing my phone aside.

"Exciting news is better than no news."

"Shut up, Gwen."

I sighed, and for a few moments we were in silence, well, okay the only noise that was in the background was Gwen playing Letters with Acquaintances. Of course her PearBook was next to her so she could cheat.

I wanted to do something, but something in my gut told me not to do it, but if Gwen wasn't gonna do it, I should.

Or should I?

This is Gwen's thing. I should let her do it. It's private, right?

But will she ever? I don't know...

Silently, I got up and headed to the exit. Gwen didn't seem too fazed by it, so she probably thinks it's whatever. Like, I'm going to the bathroom.

I'm not though.

I think I should tell Beck what happened, because, I thought siblings aren't supposed to keep secrets as big as this.

Not that this is a secret. Mainly just to Tori and she's not even in our family.

We know a lot about each other. Except they don't know I slept in Cory's bed. Or that I slept in Sean's bed when we were together. Or that I went to a drinking party they didn't know about. Or that I do Oxycontin on some occasions.

That stuff doesn't matter, though.

This does.


	46. sex fumes and kickboxing sisters

Sorry for not updating in a while.

Maybe if y'all reviewed more it'd be easier to remember.

Oh well.

* * *

><p><em>A story to me means a plot where there is some surprise. Because that is how life is - full of surprises.<em>

_-Isaac Bashevis Singer_

**Aly's POV**

Here I am, outside of my brother's RV. Usually, I would just barge in, because I am the baddest of asses and don't play by society's rules, but I chose not to do that. Why?

The lights aren't on and the blinds are drawn. It's the middle of the afternoon. Jade's car is in the driveway. I heard nothing coming from inside.

I could almost hear Akon belting out the chorus to I Just Had Sex.

It would be appropriate, since I'm pretty sure shit went down in there not too long ago.

Right now, my brother's probably lying in bed with Jade, looking at her boobs in the afterglow of sex. I don't know this from previous observations, oh dear Jesus no, but that's what I'd do if I had just finished having my way with her.

Not that I'd want to. Especially not after she's had her way with my brother about seventy eight thousand different times. That's just disgusting.

Me calling sex 'having her way with' someone is pretty disgusting as well.

I'm going to stop thinking about my brother's sex life. But that's hard to do when you knock on the door and you hear some panicky scrambling before your brother opens the door in some wrinkled jeans as he's buttoning up his one of his usual lumberjack shirts.

"Hey, Als," Beck greeted with a smile in some attempt of making it seem as if he just so happened to be shirtless with his girlfriend without having done anything inappropriate before I had knocked.

But since I'm not Gwen, I'm not that gullible.

"Oh God. You just did the dance with no pants, didn't you."

"No," Beck said a little too quickly.

"Yes," Jade called out, presumably from bed, where she's trying to figure out where her underwear is.

Beck just had this look on his face, a look that one has when they silently ask themselves why they're dating a girl who's so blunt around her boyfriend's little sister, and looked back at me. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, you can help me by buttoning your shirt and your yap." I brushed my way past him, only to see Jade sitting on his bed in a short black skirt and what looked like one of Beck's shirts. Except she didn't look like she was even going to bother buttoning it up, so I have a clear view of her bra.

Even her underwear is black.

Not that I suspected her to be wearing a pink polka dot bra underneath all her blackness. That would just bring shame to Jade's tits.

Which I really shouldn't be focusing on, but… They're glorious. Mine are pretty amazing, but Jade's got the boobs of a goddess.

… But I didn't come in here to ogle my brother's girlfriend's boobs and wish I had them. Even though that's what I'm doing right now.

"This had better be good," Jade muttered, propping herself up on the pillows on Beck's very messy and recently used bed. You know, _used_. "We were going for round two after we rested up and stretched."

Is sex seriously that much of a workout?

God, I hope so. I could get abs and lovin' at the same time.

Y'know, when Cory and I decide the time's right.

Gah, why do I keep thinking about sex? Something big just happened and I'm thinking about Jade West's boobs and banging my way to perfection.

"It's good… I guess." I sat down on the couch as Beck sat next to Jade on his bed. No way am I sitting on that. Not after what they just did. "Gwen and I… we went somewhere today."

Beck let out a sigh and asked, "Did you two get arrested again?"

"_Again_?" Jade's brows furrowed in confusion. "I need to pay more attention around here, huh."

I rolled my eyes, leaning back into the couch. "No, we didn't do anything illegal. We, uh… We went to see Naomi."

I'm pretty sure Beck doesn't know any other Naomis, so he immediately straightened up, an unreadable expression on his face. Probably the same one I had when Gwen said she wanted to meet her. One that's kind of surprised and completely unsure of whether that was a good idea or not. "Oh. Why?"

_Why?_ "We needed to borrow a cup of sugar."

My brother was clearly not impressed by my sarcasm. "Allison. Just tell me what happened."

Letting out a deep breath, I put my hands in my lap and tried to figure out how to word what I wanted to say. "Okay, then I suppose this calls for another one of Allison Oliver's famous stories."

"Children get stories before bed," Jade muttered, fiddling with one of her blue hair streaks. "We get one after other activities involving a bed."

After signaling for her to hush, Beck looked back at me. "Go on."

Clearing my throat, I looked up at the ceiling as I began to recollect the fine tale. "Once upon a time, in the magical land of Los Angeles, there was a family of five known as the Olivers. It was thought that five would soon turn into six, which caused the Oliver children much distress, especially the youngest. She transformed from an innocent little weirdo into a frightening beast of a weirdo. After much yelling, crying and hanging out with the skankiest of mini mart cashiers, she came to a realization and reversed her transformation. The youngest Oliver child was welcomed back by all with open arms, but still had questions and feelings deep inside her that needed to be resolved. So after she was reunited with her beautiful, talented sister and her nymphomaniac brother-"

That earned me a glare from said nymphomaniac of a brother. Haters gonna hate.

"-She asked her amazing, benevolent sister to go with her to a not quite as magical land called Pasadena, where the youngest Oliver's biological mother lived. The young blonde finally got the closure she always wanted and she didn't punch anybody in the tit. And the sexually driven brother fornicated with his girlfriend while all that other stuff went down. The end."

I should write children's books.

If I ever wanted to scar more children than I already have.

Jade nodded her head in approval, now playing with Beck's hand instead of her hair. "You tell quite a tale."

I do. That is for certain.

Beck, who looked as if he was still processing everything I said and everything that happened without his knowledge, slowly nodded and told me, "Okay, okay... How did it go?"

I just said how it went. She got closure and no tits were harmed during it.

I guess he'd like more details than that.

I shrugged and said, "Gwen just sort of sat there and listened to what Naomi had to say. She didn't really get angry like I thought she would. She knows for sure that what happened to her happened for a reason and that she's where she belongs. I think that's all she really wanted."

But does she really want to be in her future half-brother's life? Or did she just say that because she didn't know what else to do? That part is something I've been questioning.

"I guess that's good, for her to get closure and all," Beck said, still looking unsure of the whole thing. He had wanted our sister to meet her birth mother about as much as I did, but I think he knows it was her choice to make. I do too.

I just wish she would have chosen to stay home and watch Big Time Rush instead.

But couch potato-ry wouldn't make for a very interesting story, now would it?

"Why did she want me to know?" Beck asked. He didn't look hurt or anything, not that I thought he would be, but genuinely curious.

"I don't think it's that she didn't want you to know," I told him, messing with a strand of blonde hair between my fingers. "I think she just didn't know how to say it. She could barely get out that she wanted me to go with her."

"I have a question," Jade said, speaking up for the first time since she complimented my lovely story. Either she didn't know what to say since this is technically a family matter or she just really didn't care.

Knowing Jade, it's probably the second one.

"Uh, yeah?"

"How did you get to Pasadena? Did you hijack a car?" Jade shrugged. "If you did, that would have made the story even more interesting."

Why do people always assume I do terrible things?

Wait, I know why.

Moving on.

"Oh. Uh, I asked Tori for a ride."

Beck just gave me a 'You asked Tori I'm Sure She Has a Middle Name But I still Don't Know It Vega for a favor without bursting into flames?' look, but Jade looked far angrier about that. Far, far angrier.

"_Vega_?" Jade sat up, let go of Beck's hand, and glared at me with the red hot intensity of a thousand and seven suns. "Allison Jane Oliver, you should be ashamed. You know you're not supposed to ask Tori Vega for favors unless they inconvenience her."

I felt like I was being scolded by a Tori hating version of my mother.

Except I actually respect Jade, so I did feel some shame.

"Okay, I just thought you should know what happened, so I'm going to leave before Jade grounds me or stabs me or something."

Beck nodded with a small smirk. "Good thinking. Go check up on Gwen. I'll be in after I… clean myself off."

In other words, he's going to spritz body spray on himself until the sex fumes drown.

I nodded, getting up and walking to the exit. Before I was completely out the door, I realized I forgot to mention something, so I poked my head back in and added, "Oh, and Naomi's also married and pregnant again and offered to let Gwen be a part of the baby's life, okay see ya."

Beck nodded, not registering what I said at first, but it wasn't until I shut the door and started walking back to the house that I heard him say, "Wait, _what_?"

I guess he's gonna want to hear more about that.

He's just gonna have to wait. I wanna check on Gwen and make sure she hasn't pierced her nipples and started worshiping Satan.

Don't look at me like that. You saw what happened the last time she got similar news.

/ /

Weird. Gwen wasn't in her room. Or the living room. Or my room or Beck's room or the bathroom-

The gist is that Gwen wasn't in any room in the house. But I'm sure you could have come to that conclusion yourself.

Or not. I don't know how smart you people are.

Oh Jesus, what if she really did run off to ugly herself up again? Nobody can handle any more of that. Especially me. And at the end of the day, that's what it's really about, right?

Kidding.

Yeah, not really.

I almost considered texting her and accusing her of running away to join the goth self-loathing circus, but as I pulled my phone out, I passed the basement door. When I realized that was the only place I hadn't looked, I also heard some grunting noises and the sound of something colliding with something else.

What the hell is she doing down there? Whacking her head against one of the wooden ceiling rafters?

I wouldn't blame her, after what she found out today.

As I opened the door and made my way down the creaky steps, I finally found my sister. She had changed into a maroon scoop neck t-shirt and some Hollister yoga shorts and what was left of her hair was pulled back into two season three Quinn Fabray-esque nubbins of pigtails. She was also pounding her fists against the punching bag Beck had gotten when he was thirteen and wanted to be all tough and muscular and stuff.

He hasn't really used it much since he actually _got _muscular.

Guess it hasn't just been sitting down and collecting dust, considering Gwen looks like she knows what she's doing.

Don't go around thinking Gwen went all Chuck Norris on it, but it certainly didn't look like that was the first time she had done that.

And I think she just attempted to a roundhouse kick, but she ended up falling down while trying to do so. She let out a slight whine, rubbed her possibly bruised side and grumbled, "Stupid SplashFace tutorial…"

"Uh, hey," I greeted as I got off the final step and Gwen looked up, noticing me for the first time. "You know, I was always joking when I said you were like a ninja… Did I just catch you in the middle of a training session?"

"Of course not." Gwen got up and wiped off her forehead with the back of her wrist. "If I was in the middle of ninja training, there's no way you would have caught me."

"Ah. Right." I gestured to the previously mentioned punching bag, which was actually still moving. Not much, but enough. I figured Gwen would sob over her broken hand if she ever tried to use it. "So what's with the whole Rocky routine?"

"Rocky punched dangling meat in a freezer."

"Like I would know that." I brushed some dust off her shoulder. "Never watched the movie. Sylvester Stallone isn't even hot."

Movies aren't worth it when the main character is gross looking and has a weird accent. That's why I've never seen Austin Powers.

Gwen nodded and brushed flyaway hairs out of her face. "Sometimes I sneak down here to use Beck's old punching bag when I need to blow off some steam. I'm actually getting pretty good at it."

Ah. So that's how my sister managed to beat the crap out of like twelve people last school year.

"So… You still holding up okay?" I crossed my arms and sat down on the bottom step. Gwen joined me. "I'm going to go with no, since you felt the urge to punch something."

"It's not about punching stuff, Als. Kickboxing's actually a decent stress reliever." Gwen shrugged. "I'm just a beginner, but I think it's really been helping."

"That's good and all," I quietly said, nodding slowly. "But it just doesn't seem like something you'd do in secret. Or at all."

She cast me a glance as she twisted the cap off her green Tinkerbell water bottle. "Are you saying I'm not athletic?"

"No." I paused. "But yeah. You're not really the athletic type."

"That's never been established."

"… I guess it hasn't." I nudged her in the side, and judging by the size of her wince I'm guessing that she definitely bruised herself when she failed to roundhouse. "So seriously, you're going to be okay, right?"

Gwen let out a deep breath before taking a swig of water. "Yeah, I'll be fine. It's just… a lot to take in, you know?"

No, not really. I'm pretty sure this kind of shit could only happen to you.

"Yeah, totally." I'm a great liar. "But did you… Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to be a part of What's His Face Baby Person Blau's life?"

Another deep breath and another swig of water. "I don't know. I didn't know what else to say… I_ think_ I'd like to."

And I don't like that. Like I said before, she isn't older sibling material. She just isn't.

Then again, I never thought I'd catch her kickboxing and lo and behold.

My PearPhone let out a beep, so I took a break from loathing the fetus that was trying to take my sister away from me to read the text. It was unfortunately not a sexy text from Cory.

"Ugh, it's Jane. She and James are home and want to tell us all the 'exciting news' she was talking about before."

"I need some exciting news right now," Gwen muttered, getting up and walking up the steps. "Let's just go see what it is."

I hope the news is that they bought me a tanning bed. Or maybe they're moving to Canada and leaving us here and Beck and Jade will be our new guardians and they won't suck like James and Jane do.

Or maybe they got me a sports car.

Or maybe the news is that Naomi Duncan isn't actually Gwen's mother and her real mother is Lisa Kudrow. Because since I'm pretty sure that's not it, it could happen. They kind of look similar too. They're both blonde.

Or maybe they got me a car.

I already said that, but I really hope that's what it is.


	47. bratty six year old: aly edition

**Aly's POV**

"...So you didn't get me a sports car? Or a non-sporty car? You didn't get me a vehicle at all. Do you hate me?"

Here I was, arms crossed, standing in front of James and Jane Oliver, practically demanding to know why I'm not seeing the title to a yellow twenty ten corvette grand sport.

Or the keys.

Or just it in general.

I mean, I heard what they said. I know what the big news is. I just don't understand why it's not something I can put gas in and drive.

Granted something in this big news does take gas and someone has to maneuverer it...

"Allison," Oh, are we back with the full first name thing again? "I thought you of all people would love the idea of going to Aunt Divya's Cancun house. You love hot weather." My mother winked at me on the last sentence.

Ew. Mom. Please don't try to be my bee ef ef.

Even though I will give her points for knowing it's not the hot weather aspect that makes me love places like Cancun and California.

It's how you get to dress in the hot weather.

I don't know if you guys have realized it, but I really like wearing short shorts and tube tops. I guess in northern places of the United States, you get called a prostiteen for dressing like that.

Well I'm not a prostiteen, and mostly everyone here wears shorts in the one hundred and three degree heat.

I also like boys. Lots and lots of boys. Without shirts, exposing their abs.

This my mother knows. This everyone knows.

"We go there almost every year," I placed one hand on my hip and my other hand over lapping my stomach, "Why couldn't have you just bought me a car? That would have made this moment a lot more special."

"Als, chill," Gwen, who was probably excited because our Aunt Divya loves her more than life itself.

That's not an exaggeration, by the way. You know how families aren't supposed to pick favorites and everyone is supposed to get equal amounts of love?

Aunt Divya doesn't believe that. At least, I'm sure she doesn't.

Like, Aunt Lea loves Beck, Gwen and I equally, and she doesn't have kids of her own. Aunt Divya on the other hand also does not have children, but for some reason for as long as I can remember, she's always loved Gwen more.

I bet she would love Beck more if he wasn't dating Jade and didn't live in the Silver Streak.

I bet she would love me more if I wasn't so, and I quote, 'rude, sarcastic and a backtalker.'

Do you see why Aunt Lea is my favorite aunt? Divya is too much like my mother and that is why when I was eight, I put a live lobster in her bed.

Don't ask where and how I got a lobster. I just had one and put it to good use. Karma hit me hard that day, though, it did ended up biting me, which is probably why I hated Gwen's lobsters.

As you can see, Aunt Divya and I don't get along and I was a still a bitch when I was younger.

"We haven't even told you the most exciting part," My mother ran her fingers through her hair smiling, so she's the culprit for Beck's utterly annoying habit, "We didn't just buy tickets for just our family."

There was silence. Jane likes to keep us in suspense.

"So who else is coming?" That's not an Oliver voice I hear. That voice came from one girlfriend who wasn't here when we started this conversation.

"I thought you were gonna wait in the RV," Beck mumbled. Yeah. Wait for him to come back so they could continue doing the mattress mumbo.

Ugh.

They had a short kiss and Jade returned to looking piffed off, "I got tired of waiting. So, who is coming?"

James gave Jane a look and walked to the other side of the room. That can't mean good news for Jade. "Well, we bought three extra tickets."

Only three? Shouldn't it be-

"One for Andre, one for Caterina and one for Robert."

Beck and Jade mirrored expressions of ultimate annoyance. Shouldn't they have expected it though? My aunt doesn't like Jade. Everyone knows that. Even Jade.

Gwen moved from my one side, the side closest to Beck and Jade, to the other side, "So, that means Jade's not coming?"

Why do you ask the most obvious questions, Gwendolyn.

Jade didn't look shocked, she just looked annoyed. She doesn't like being basically singled out in front of groups of people. Aw. It's not that my parents are intentionally excluding her it's just... "It's because Divya hates me, isn't it."

Not a question.

Beck, Gwen and myself adverted our eyes from Jane to which whom the not so question question was directed.

Even James looked away.

My mother let out a curt laugh, playing the situation off, "Of course not, Jade, my sister doesn't hate you."

Jade raised her pierced eyebrow and let go of Beck's hand and instead crossing her arms.

The crossed arm movement happens in my house a lot. "..."

"Okay, so maybe she doesn't exactly find you to be the most appealing girl that Beck could have, but she doesn't hate you!"

Nice save, Mom.

/ /

In three days we're going to Cancun, Mexico to stay at my Aunt Divya's summer home in Quintana Roo. We leave, like I said, on Thursday afternoon and it takes four and a half hours to get there by plane. We're staying there for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and then leaving for LA on Monday morning.

One cool thing that I have to admit is that my parents are taking a different plane from LAX to Puerto Rico.

No parental supervision, say whaaa?

Unless you count Beckett. He's like a Dad. Overbearing and annoying sometimes.

My aunt is picking Beck, Gwen, Robbie, Cat and Andre up from the airport and then she's leaving early the next morning, so I'll only have to endure her for half the night.

I bet she'll have a chizzing red carpet for Gwen and make the rest of us carry her bags.

That's how much she loves her, I swear to Buddha.

Beck is getting in touch with the Andre, Cat and Robbie tonight right after he gets done have angry 'I can't believe we won't be able to have sex in Cancun' sex with Jade.

Poor Jade, I feel terrible that she isn't coming.

But even more terrible that my parent didn't buy me a car.

I know most of you are probably like, 'oh my god allison so wat if ur parents didnt get u a car i got a jump rope for my bday' well shut up. I don't care about your problems.

I could be driving a car right now and looking hot and picking up Cory and smooching on my leather interior. Instead I'm editing a picture.

Angrily.

"What are you...doing?" I looked up to see Gwen who had her eyebrow raised and looked very weirded out.

Well that makes two of us. How the hell did she get in my room without me even noticing.

A ninja, I tell you.

I sighed, "I'm editing a picture, stupid." I'm too angry at my lack of car to put up with her ability to ask stupid questions.

As you can tell, I really wanted a car. The more I think about how my parents could have spent the money that they used to buy Robbie's plane ticket, to buy me a car just makes me so frenetic.

That's like, a synonym for mad or something.

"I see that," Gwen stared at the picture I was currently cropping, "Of Tori."

After rolling my eyes in only a way Allison Oliver can do, I turned back to my PearBook and smiled at the screen, "Yes. A picture of Tori."

I switched tabs and clipped the other picture I had previously cropped, and put it into place on the Tori picture.

It was beautiful. All I have to do is make some adjustments and I shall post it all over the web. I will be famous.

I heard my sister gasp behind me. I guess the initial shock value had just struck her,"Oh my God, Aly." Gwen lightly smacked my shoulder, and I grinned even more.

You're all wondering what this strange picture is, aren't you? Well, it's Tori. With-

"Why does Tori have a fist crotch?"

At least she's observant. Yes, dear readers, Tori Vega now has a fist crotch. "Because, I'm all bummed out that our parents didn't buy me a car, and I need to take my frustrations out on someone without physically harming them. It's this new thing I'm trying."

Being less physically violent. It's a good summer resolution, so don't judge.

I spun my chair around and faced Gwen, who currently was trying not to laugh. But, if you know Gwen as well as I do, we all know she's not skilled in biting back laughter.

So commence le little sister laughing to the point of crying. Chalk one up for Aly.

After a few moments of tear inducing laughter, Gwen stood back up and wiped her eyes, "It's really funny, I'll give you that, but isn't there any other way you can take out your frustrations? Ya know, that doesn't include making fun of Tori?"

"Oh. I'm sorry. Not all of us want to get sweaty and punch an old sack in the basement."

That definitely sounded dirty, and now I'm the one trying not to laugh. Told you I always find a way to make a sentence sound dirty.

Gwen frowned and crossed her arms. "At least I'm not acting like a spoiled brat."

If we were in a fictional TV show, this is the point in the episode that the fake, or live, audience would chorus an 'oooh' like the one character just said something really offensive to the other.

I really hope you get what I'm saying.

Okay, think about this Aly. She didn't call you a spoiled brat, she said you were acting like one.

Should that be taken as an insult?

If I say no, then that means I agree with Gwen's accusations of me acting like a spoiled brat, just because I'm not excited to go to Cancun.

If I say yes, then I truly believe I have a right to be mad about not getting a car. And in the case that it is an insult then I can retaliate that will make Gwen sad for a long time and maybe throw her out a window.

But just because I wanted a car so bad and didn't get one and this trip really did nothing for me, doesn't mean I'm acting spoiled.

Does it?

Don't throw her out a window, Als. Deep breath, and speak. "Look, I'm sorry if you think I'm acting spoiled, but I really wanted a car. I mean, they didn't even get me a birthday gift."

Frown in place, Gwen scratched at her nose ring a bit, "They threw you a party."

"A car would have been better."

Wow. I really do sound the tiniest bit bratty right now. The sad part is that I don't really care. I just don't like when people call me out on it.

Before I could ask why, Gwen whipped out her PearPod from her pocket, swiped through her songs and started to do something horrible.

Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver was singing. "You can't always get what you waaant. You can't always get what you waaant, but if you try sometimes, you'll find, you get whatchya need!"

It's not as bad as I thought it would be, but that doesn't mean it's good. It's tolerable.

It would be more tolerable if I actually liked people singing Glee versions of songs in my face.

Literally, she's in my face, and it's not cool. "Okay, okay, Gwen! I get it. Please, just stop!" I swatted her away and she looked pleased.

Gwen slid her PearPhone back in her pocket and beamed. "Looks like I got my point across."

'Looks like I got my point across'.

That's me mimicking her.

Man, I feel like a spoiled, bratty, six year old.


	48. the one with bikinis and Belgian cocoa

_"All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for."_

_- Chandler Bing, FRIENDS_

**Gwen's POV**

ASDFGHJKL.

If you're wondering why I just ran my pointer finger over the middle of the keyboard, then just let me tell you that my siblings and all our friends are going to spend a long summer weekend in the lovely land of Cancun, Mexico at our Aunt Divya's beach house.

Superflyingvictoryflip.

Yeah, remember when I said that that one time when we when to pick up Aly's birthday cake? I'm bringing that back. Because it's awesome.

Right now, I'm picking out tops and shorts and shoes and dresses I want to bring on the trip and throwing them all on my bed in a huge pile. Organization is for nubs.

If Aly were here, she'd probably be making me do this for her and her stuff, but she's not here.

No, she didn't jump off the roof because our parents didn't buy her a limo or a hovercraft or whatever the heck she wanted for her birthday. Though I wouldn't put threatening to do so below her.

Not that I'd ever want her to do that. I really like my sister alive, I do.

She went over to Cory's a half hour ago. Most likely to complain about her lack of overpriced car.

Bah. By the time Aunt Divya's gone and she gets a whiff of the fresh Mexican air, she'll be just as stoked as I am. Beck, who is out with Jade doing God knows what, will have fun too.

Even though he still won't be able to have sex with Jade in the white Cancun sand or while wearing sombreros or whatever.

Moving on.

I would have invited David over, since we'd be all alone and we could kiss and whatnot without Beck pointing a shotgun at his head (though I don't think Beck has a shotgun, even though he and Dad go on father/son hunting trips in Canada sometimes while Mom stays home and makes me and Aly do girly things with her against our will), but he's playing laser tag with Austin today, because he sometimes he likes spending time with him for some reason.

All by myself. Don't wanna be all by myself.

But I won't be all by myself for long, so now I don't have to Google the rest of the lyrics to that song. Hurray.

Last night, Beck told Cat and Andre about the trip, and he asked Cat to tell Robbie, since his grandma had dropped his cell phone in a pot of matzo ball soup because he said he had dropped a call and she thought...

I don't know what she thought.

Cat said she'd go over to his place and tell him. But today, she's coming to pick me up so we can go shopping for new bikinis. We invited Aly, but she already had Cory plans and enough bikinis as is.

Then again, you can never have too many bikinis, especially when you live in California.

And daisy dukes. You need those. If you want to be a Katy Perry worthy California Gurl, at least.

Though knowing Aunt Divya, she's probably already bought me fifty seven swimsuits and has had them placed in the dresser in the room in her beach house she has deemed 'mine'.

Not to sound vain, but I'm pretty sure I'm Aunt Divya's favorite. Now you guys know I'm not one of those people who are like 'omg everyone luvs me cuz im awesome' because we all know the world can only handle so many people like Trina Vega. But let me give you a very brief summary of how I know I'm the preferred Oliver child in her eyes.

Last Christmas, she got me like three pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes.

She got Aly a book on anger management.

She got Beck a cinder block for his RV.

...

Even I can see the blatant favoritism.

After we opened those lovely presents and I got down from my show whore high, I kind of apologized to them. Like, in a really awkward 'I don't know what to say but I feel like I should say something anyway so you don't think I condone this behavior' sort of way. Because I don't.

Beck was like, 'it isn't your fault, you can't control how people act, I don't mind that much because I'm the most laid back person in the universe' and Aly was like 'ugh whatever I don't care she's a gank anyway I wish that lobster would have clawed her eyes out' or something.

She's just jealous that there's actually someone out there that likes me more than they like her.

Sometimes I think Aunt Divya only treats me better because I'm adopted. That's the only factor that I don't share with my siblings.

Oh, and I don't have a scary girlfriend and I'm not a total monster. That might have something to do with it.

I wish Divya would be nicer to them. She's so sweet to me and all, but seeing Aly and Beck on the sidelines of the Gwen Oliver Love Fest like potatoes makes me uncomfortable.

They deserve Jimmy Choo just as much as I do.

Except I don't think Beck really wants a pair of espadrilles.

Aly borrows them enough that they might as well be hers anyway.

Ugh, there is too much stuff piled on my bed. They'll never fit into an appropriate amount of suitcases. And I haven't even figured out how many stuffed animals I'm going to bring. Wah.

I heard a car engine turn off and a car door shut outside, so it was safe to assume either Cat was here or a door to door knife salesman has come to murder me. But after looking outside, I saw it was indeed Cat who was walking toward the door. Yay for not being murdered.

I threw the rest of the clothes I had gathered in my hands in my clothes pile (I might have to iron them before we leave…) and ran down the steps, grabbing the ticket envelope Mom left me on the grand foyer table so I could give everyone their tickets. As soon as I flung open the door, I was instantly greeted by a cuddly Cat hug. "Hiii!"

"Hey, Cat!" I waved the envelope with a grin. "Guess what I've got!"

"Tickets to see Girly Cow On Ice?"

"…No. These are the plane tickets for you guys."

"Oh. That's fun too!"

I never understand why they always have to put popular shows on ice.

Though I wouldn't mind seeing Glee On Ice.

Mark Salling and Chord Overstreet and Harry Shum Jr. and Cory Montieth and Chris Colfer and Darren Criss on skates? Unf.

And Naya Rivera. Double unf.

... Moving on.

/ /

"Robbie can't go?"

Cat nodded, holding up a frilly pink polka dot bikini to herself in the full length mirror, as if that would show her how it'd look on her. "Yeah, his entire family's going to Fresno tomorrow and they won't be back until next week. He can't get out of it."

"Did he try?" I pulled a blue floral bikini off the rack and took a look at it.

Oh, we're at the mall. I probably should have mentioned that before.

But it would be silly if we went bikini shopping in my house, so you all should have figured that out on your own.

Cat sadly nodded. "Yeah. His memaw threatened to take him out of the will. And she still doesn't know that we're dating, so he needs all the bonus points with her that he can get."

I can understand why he wouldn't want to tell her he's dating a silly redhead. From what I hear, she's a crazy old scutter.

Just like my maternal grandmother. She always forgets that James and Jane adopted me and thinks Aly just babysits me a lot. She also thinks that I'm a midget from the Land of Oz

Okay, Robbie's mamaw isn't that bad.

"That's a shame."

It really wasn't. No offense to Robbie.

Okay, maybe a little offense.

In normal circumstances I would just take the ticket and give it to Jade. She would be forever grateful and hug me and we would be best friends and braid our hair and drive by and knock mailboxes down with baseballs bats together.

... Okay, she, Aly and I did do that last one once, but don't tell Beck.

But Jade doesn't need that ticket. I know she's going to end up going with us to Cancun no matter what. She's determined. She'll flap her arms and fly there if she has to.

No, I have a better idea for this poor, lonely little ticket in my hobo bag.

I looked back up at Cat, who had about seventeen swimsuits in her arms. "Um, hey, do you think after this, we could stop somewhere?"

"Like Build A Bra?"

"No, Th-" I paused, thinking over that suggestion. "Actually, yeah, let's go there. But I wanted to go someplace else too."

Aly's going to murder me for what I'm planning to do.

Jade will flap her arms and swoop in to help her.

/ /

"Are you sad that Robbie can't go?"

We're in the car now, for those of you who can't realize those two slant thingies break the page and pretty much symbolize that the less interesting time has passed and we're now in her car again with way more bikinis than we will ever need for the rest of our living lives. And our customized bras.

That was a mouthful. Even though I just typed it out. So it was a fingerful. Even though that isn't a word.

Thankfully I wasn't thinking all this when it happened, or I wouldn't have heard Cat when she said, "Yeah, but we're all gonna have fun, right?" Cat smiled and made sure to keep her eyes on the road so we don't die in a flaming pile of tar and metal before we even get there.

That would kind of put a damper on the trip for the rest of them.

At least I hope my friends and siblings would be sad if I was dead.

Oh, and Cat too.

But I'm getting off topic. Not that that's anything new to you guys.

"Yeah, if Aly stops being a big grump," I muttered, looking down at the envelope with only two tickets remaining.

"I don't think what we're about to do is gonna make her any less grumpy."

Who says Cat is dumb?

"Yeah... But it'll make Andre and Tori happy." I'm hoping Aly likes Andre enough that his happiness will override her fury.

Then again, I don't think she likes anybody enough to do that. Not even Cory Sexy Nipples Edison.

I came up with that nickname myself.

We pulled up to the Vega residence and parked in the driveway next to Andre's car. Cat had mentioned before that while Trina and Mr. and Mrs. Vega are out of town to look at potential colleges, Andre was going to stay with her. I guess Aly was right about them having done more than just make out.

Bow chicka bow chicka.

Cat walked up to the door and I was right behind her, the envelope gripped nervously in my hands. I can practically feel Aly's hands around my neck.

This is a good thing, Gwenny.

Not the getting strangled by your sister part.

After Cat rang it about twenty nine times, and I might have rung it one more time for good measure, Andre was the one who answered. "Well hey, if it ain't Little Red and Littler O." He smiled at us as he pulled his dreads back into a ponytail. He's about the only guy in the world who can pull off the ponytail look. Mostly because he's Andre Harris and he oozes sex appeal. Er, anyway, "What can I help you fine, vertically challenged ladies with?"

"Hey, Mister I Sleep Over At My Girlfriend's House While Her Family's Away Because I Am a Filthy Boy," I greeted as we walked into the house. "I brought you a little present."

"Is it Belgian cocoa?" he asked, shutting the door behind us. "'Cause we ran out last night."

They probably used it as an aphrodisiac. If that's possible. I'm not even all that sure what an aphrodisiac is.

"Nooo..." I held the envelope up in his face and borderline screeched, "Two Cancun plane tickets!"

At that moment, Tori ran down the steps, an umbrella in her hands, but her frantic expression disappeared once she saw me and Cat. "Oh, hi. That noise was just you." She adjusted her glasses, which Aly totally would have made fun of if she were here even though she also has glasses that she never actually wears, and she laid the umbrella on her couch. "I thought one of Mrs. Garrison's cat had crawled into the house again."

Cat giggled, and before she could say something along the lines of 'MY name is Cat!' I quipped, "Thanks for comparing my voice to that of a dying feline." I quickly smiled and waved the envelope in the air. "But I have a surprise for you both!"

"Is it Belg-"

"I already asked, it isn't."

"Aww."

Perfect couple say whaaaa?

"Did Andre happen to mention that my parents got tickets for Cancun not only for me, Aly and Beck, but he, Cat and Robbie too?" I asked, sitting down on one half of the couch next to Cat while she opened and closed the umbrella in amusement. I'm pretty sure that's bad luck, but whatevs.

"Yeah." Tori nodded, a small frown on her face as she and Andre sat on the other side of the couch. "I'm gonna miss you guys. With my parents and Trina gone too, the only person I'm gonna have to hang out with is Jade." She cringed and rested her head on Andre's shoulder. "And she'd probably slam the door in my face if I ever came to her house, so that just leaves Sinjin... No, I wouldn't get that desperate."

LOL Sinjin has no friends.

I mean-

"You won't have to be desperate for looooong, " I sing songed, opening the envelope and pulling out the plane tickets. "You'll be too busy packing for Cancun!"

Tori kind of sat there for a moment, probably taking what I just said in, but then lifted her head off her boyfriend's shoulder and stood up. "No way. You're lying."

"Nuh uh, I'm truthing," I told her, getting up as well and waving a ticket just for her in her face.

Before I even had the chance to put it in her hands, she hugged me and rapidly thanked me in an almost Cat-like manor, and I could hear Cat herself giggling in the background. I also heard Andre ask, "But I thought your parents only got three tickets?"

"Robbie can't come," Cat explained as Tori released me from her grip so she could claim her ticket. "His grandma dropped his phone in matzo ball soup and she threatened to take him out of the will."

Andre raised an eyebrow to that. "She must really hate Cancun. And PearPhones."

That not the whole story, but hey, this is a happy time. No need for details.

But I'll tell you guys the details of my beating after Aly gives it to me later when she finds out what I did.


	49. doctors and professors and fire, oh my

_It's my birthday today, readers. Leave me lovely reviews as a gift. ;)_

* * *

><p><em>"Bad news isn't wine. It doesn't improve with age." - Colin Powell<em>

**Aly's POV**

Dear people who are fortunate enough to be reading the details of my summer life, I've left the Oliver abode and gone to cool off at Mr Cory Alexander Edison's, AKA hot boyfriend's house, and am about to tell him the worst news in the world.

"My parents didn't get me a car because we're going to stupid Cancun." Yep, worst news ever has been delivered.

I flipped my sunglasses up onto my head and walked into his house.

Cory closed the front door behind me, "Well, hello to you too, babe."

Perhaps I should try to be less pissed and more lovely. This wouldn't be such a hard task to accomplish if I wasn't pissed. Nonetheless, I shall try and act lovely. "Sorry, I'm just mad."

Cory rolled his eyes, "That you're going to Cancun? Yeah. I'd be destroying shit by now." If he weren't so hot, I would totally walk out right now.

Sarcasm isn't a smart thing to use against me at this moment in time. "Cancun was fun the first six times I went, now it's just old news. Exciting news would have been a car, but my parents don't like me that much."

"I see," He lifted his hand and laid the back of it against my forehead, "It seems that my girlfriend has a horrible case of being dramatic and grumpiness."

What. "Excuse me?" First of all, that was not only the complete opposite of what you say to a girl, let alone me.

Second of all, and totally contradictory to number one, that was really clever, and I have to admit pretty cute.

Cory turned around, but not before smiling that Edison smile, and called out, "Doctor Mandy, we have a sick patient!"

"Bring the patient to my office!" A small, childish voice answered back from what seemed to be upstairs.

Where is my boyfriend? My chill, collected, Chord Overstreet lookalike boyfriend?

Not here, that's where. "What are you doing?" I asked, as Cory took my hand and led me up the first flight of stairs.

"You're not acting normally."

"That makes two of us."

We took a left at the kids' playroom and into the indent that had the second flight of stairs, leading to all the Edison childrens' bedrooms.

We stopped in front of the first door on the third floor and Cory knocked with his free hand, the other still holding mine.

A giggly, "Come in!" Was heard through the door and the sixteen year old who may or may not be possibly about to be single opened it.

I soon found myself surrounded by three pinkish purple walls, the main back wall being the same color but having polka dots of all sizes and colors. That wall also had a smaller scale bay window with purple curtains, and under that was a bed. The yellow, dark pink and white striped bed cushion frame had a mattress on top of it, complete with light purple sheets, light purple cased pillows and a dark purple comforter. Next to the bed was a night stand that held a lamp whose shade had moon and star cutouts. The main source of light came from the cylinder lighting fixture at the center of the ceiling accompanied by more polka dots.

"Aly-bear, welcome to Amanda's room."

If I remember correctly, Amanda is like, four or five. When I was that age, my room did not look like this. If you guys could see it, you'd probably want to live here. I bet her parents probably hired a professional designer to sit down with her and describe her dream room.

I don't doubt that they do that for every house the live in.

Mandy threw her hands on her hips and scowled at her older brother, "Nuh uh! Today it's Doctor Professor Amanda's doctoring professoring office!"

That's a mouthful. "Cory, why am I here?" I tried to sound as polite as possible, because being a bitch in front of my soon to be sister in law is not the smartest thing to do.

Plus, she looks super cute right now all dressed up with her stethoscope and clipboard.

Cory let go of my hand, knowing I wouldn't run out on sweet little Mandy, "Doctor Amanda-"

"Doctor Professor Amanda!"

"...Right. Doctor Professor Amanda, my girlfriend is very sick. She's not acting like her usual self. Can you help her?"

He's gone completely bonkers. I think he's the one that needs to be doctored and professored.

Speaking of which, how does one exactly 'doctor' or 'professor'?

Amanda rolled her eyes and gave us both a 'duh' look, "Of course I can help the patient!"

Before I knew it, my hand was grabbed once again, and to top it all off, Cory is now laughing.

Like I said, soon to be single Cory. "Mandy, sweetheart, I appreciate you trying to help whatever made up disease I have but-"

Lightly pushing my on to her bed, the young Edison held her fingers to her lips, "Sh! You can't talk! The sickness could spread!"

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me not to talk, I'd be as rich as this little girl.

How am I supposed to be angry at Cory for getting me into this if I can't verbally express it.

I'll narrow my eyes at him. That should do it.

Cory moved Mandy's lamp a little and shrugged his shoulders, "You're the one who decided to be an overdramatic grump."

Hmph.

Amanda took her stethoscope from around her neck and placed the end on my stomach.

I'm not a doctor, but I'm positive that goes on your chest or something. "I see. Mhm. Yes. Yes. I have the diagonisis!"

Wow. That was fast. She's good.

Wait. What am I saying. There is no diagnosis and she's not a real doctor. Wah.

"So what's wrong with her?" Cory tried not to laugh, but failed miserably and started chuckling.

"Coco! She has the same thing Brittbritt had!"

For the first time in these five or so minutes, Cory looked confused. "Which is...?"

With another 'duh' expression, Mandy removed the stethoscope from my stomach and smiled, "She has PMS of course!"

Why is it that menstruation and I always find ourselves in the same conversations?

Now full out laughing, Cory looked at me with his Edison smile and leaned in to kiss me.

Yeah, well, Mandy was having none of that, "No kissing!"

I raised my eyebrow, ignoring her talking reprimentions and asked, "Why?"

"Because this is my room so no kissing. Remember that while I go get you some orange juice. It'll cure your disease."

Child, if orange juice could cure anything relating to periods, I'm sure every woman would have a warehouse.

Making sure that Mandy was gone, I sat up and stared at Cory. "Gee, thanks for bringing me to see a Doctor."

"Doctor Professor." He reminded me. How nice of him.

I took off my sunglasses, that miraculously stayed on my head this entire time, and smoothed out my hair, "Right. So this had to happen because?"

Cory moved from the side table to next to me and wrapped his arm around my waist, "I was hoping it would make you forget about your car issues, or lack thereof."

It kind of did. For like, a second. But now I'm thinking about it and...I guess it's not really that big of a deal.

I guess.

I smiled, "This wasn't exactly the way I was planning on spending one of my last few days with you." I leaned in more, "I was thinking something more like this."

Would you believe I still didn't get a Cory kiss? This is an outrage. "I would, but I don't want to catch your disease." He smirked.

"Babe, if you have a risk of catching PMS, we have a problem."

Insert a Coral kiss right about here and everything is as it should be.

Well, except that we could be kissing in a car right now.

But whatever, a child's bedroom is just as good.

/ /

**Gwen's POV**

Oh hey there, guys. Don't get mad at me or anything, but it's night time now. Time has passed, dear readers.

As of right now, my whole family is home, including Allison, whom arrived home from an apparently interesting time at Cory's.

Something about Doctor's who are also Professor's or something, I wasn't really paying attention.

And if you're all wondering how my lovely sister took the news of Tori coming with us to Cancun, well, you see, I didn't actually tell her just yet.

Before you all hump to any conclusions- hump? I meant jump. Hehehe, hump.

Er, as I was saying, before you all jump to any conclusions having to do with me being scared of Aly, that has nothing to do with it.

I'm just waiting for the right moment, ya know?

...

LOL yeah no it's really because I'm scared.

You would be scared to if you had to tell your Tori hating sister that said girl is joining us on our three day vacation!

And if you're sitting there at your computer switching between this and your splashface tab thinking, 'uh no I wouldn't be. I'd face it like a man.'

When Aly is angry, she's scarier than most men.

Of course, I'm one to know about anger issues, considering when I'm mega angry pissed 'gonna eat your face' mad, I get verbal. Big time.

Big Time Verbal.

That should be an episode of Big Time Rush.

See, though, Aly's not really the verbal angry girl, she gets a little violent.

She ripped my Cuddly Cathy doll's head off and set it on fire saying, 'if I can't have her you can't either' because I wouldn't give it to her.

We were four and five.

Knowing that, look me in the computer screen and tell me that's not scary.

You can't. You cannot do it, because now that I told you that, you're scared. You're so scared you're skittles.

"Gwen? If you don't mind coming back to reality for a moment," How long has my mom been talking to me?

I blinked a few times and realized my siblings and parental units were staring at me. "Sorry, I was uh, day dreaming about being a guest star on Glee." Smooth, Gwenners.

My mother gave a small smile, "It's alright, darling. Now, while we're gone, Nana Joyce will be looking after the house."

Why do we need someone to look after the house? It's not like we have any pets- oh wait. Beck has a dog that I've forgotten about until now. My bad.

Even though I'm sure you guys have forgotten he had a dog, too.

"She's coming tonight and Beck, she'll be staying in your room until we leave. Aly, Gwen, I need you to put fresh sheets on the bed and vacuum the room."

Beck nodded, because it's not like he cares. He doesn't have anything of personal value in that room except a closet of extra flannels and pictures.

Upon hearing this news of cleaning, Aly scoffed predictably and started for the upstairs.

I followed behind her, because if I don't help like I'm supposed to, she'll hurt me.

Not that she won't not hurt me when I tell her my news.

Aside from the high probability of me dying in the next ten minutes, I'm happy that Nana is coming over, though. We barely get to see her 'cause she primarily stays in Canada, and I love her to bits. And, you know, she's not insane like our other Grandma, but you know that old chestnut.

After quickly grabbing some sheets and pillowcases from the closet in the hallway, I was alone with Aly in Beck's old bedroom.

Now's that time to tell her, Gwenny. "So, Aly, did I tell you that Robbie's not coming?"

My older sister plugged the vacuum in and smiled, "Oh good, now I won't have to feel the urge to throw him out the emergency airplane exit and hope he lands in the ocean and gets eaten by sharks."

Someone's thinking awfully violent thoughts today.

Even more reason as to not tell her.

No. I have to. "Yeah, so we had another free ticket-"

"Had? You mean have?"

Oh poop. That was too quick. I should have watched my choice of words. "Yeah, I sort of, kind of maybe gavethetickettotori."

Notice the lack of spaces? That's because I said it in one giant slur, hoping she didn't catch that and would start vacuuming and forget it.

Her face had a different plan. I mean, if looks could kill, let's just say I'm in a closet right now.

Yes, using my ninja lightning skills, I literally jumped into Beck's closet and locked the door behind me.

So many flannels, so little space.

There were no words, only footsteps. After a few minutes, I thought she had left and locked the door so I couldn't get out of the room.

That would have been much better compared to what happened next.

"Gwennnnnnny, come out and playyyyyy." That's not creepy at all.

Wait a minute. Is something burning? Oh my Bieber, I think she's setting the door on fire!

I quickly unlocked and opened the closet door, only to find that it wasn't the door that was set on fire.

She finally went through with what she's been threatening me with for almost three years.

Allison Oliver has taken one of my Glee posters off my wall and has now set it on fire.

See? I told her and her reaction wasn't anything less than I expected.


	50. revenge, thy name is Gwendolyn

_Finals have kicked my butt. Now that they're done with, expect updates. Thanks for bearing with my negligent booty. Enjoy! Leave reviews for us! :) Special announcement next chapter!_

* * *

><p><em>"If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?"<em>

_-William Shakespeare _

**Aly's POV**

So, uh, from the last chapter, you guys all probably think I'm some kind of arsonist. But if you had just received the news I had, you'd want to burn your idiotic little sister's shit too.

So Robbie backed out of the trip. That's not a problem. Since I don't have to deal with him now, it's actually a good thing.

Having Gwen go behind my back and inviting Tori Vega of all people on a trip where we'll have to spend three days together in the same beach house? That is the opposite of a good thing.

So, a bad thing.

Why. Why would Gwen do this to me. She knows how much Tori irritates me. She totally deserves to have her stupid Glee poster burn and crumple into a pile of ashes onto the carpet of Beck's old room.

The look on her face as the Glee cast was no more was absolutely priceless.

"Aly!" she screeched, looking down at the smoldering ashes. "What is wrong with you?!"

"I should be asking the same thing!" I threw down Beck's lighter (I wonder what he uses that for…) and, with narrowed eyes, told her, "You invited Tori to Cancun when Jade still isn't coming?"

"You know Jade's just going to buy a ticket with her dad's credit card or something," Gwen weakly tried to defend. "Tori actually respects her dad, so she couldn't do that! I thought you and Tori were starting to become friends. I can't keep up with your on again, off again attitude!"

Why did the lyrics to Hot 'n' Cold by Katy Perry just pop into my head?

Because that song is awesome, that's why.

Though there's probably another reason.

"How could you do this? As if this whole Cancun thing didn't suck enough!"

Gwen gawked at me, like the idiot she is. "Do you even hear yourself when you talk? It's like you don't even have any idea how much of a total brat you are!"

Um, excuse me? "Me, a brat?"

Gwen let out a huff. "Yes! You keep bitching and moaning about how you want a car, but you wouldn't even be able to drive it yet without a parent or Beck in there with you! That's, like, the definition of spoiled!"

I put my hands on my hips. "Coming from one of the biggest brats I've ever met, that doesn't really mean much."

"Really. I'm the brat here?"

"You see anyone else in this room?"

"How am I bratty?"

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. "Please, you're way worse than me when you don't get your way. You just don't realize it because you always get your way."

Gwen scoffed. "I do not."

"Do too." That sounded really mature. "You flipped out when you thought you weren't going to be the baby around here anymore and started dressing all goth and shit."

"Oh, really? You're really bringing that up again?"

"Again? You say it like it happened ten years ago. It only happened like last week."

"… Shut up!"

"Ooooh, good retort." I rolled my eyes, right as our father threw the door open. Oh geez, he's probably coming up here to ask why he hasn't heard the vacuum running yet.

"Girls, what's with all the yelling? And why do I smell smoke?" he demanded, looking between Gwen and I for an answer. He got half of his questions answered when he saw the lighter and the pile of musical dramedy ashes. "What in God's name have you two been doing up here?!"

Gwen cast me a glance. "You wanna take this one, Als?"

I hate my sister.

/ /

I explained my poster-burning tale to James. He was apathetic to my pain over the plane ticket exchange part of the story. I'm pretty sure all he heard was 'blah blah blah I set stuff on fire in the house because I am the horrible middle child in this house blabbity bluh'.

So, after properly yelling at me while Gwen stood behind me and most likely made 'neener neener' motions at the back of my head, now not only do we still have to clean up Beck's room for Nana Joyce, but Dad is making Beck keep an eye on us. So he's pretty much just sitting on his bed, watching us slave away while he texts Jade and criticizes me.

Just a normal day for Beck Oliver.

"Didn't anyone ever teach you not to play with fire, Allison?" Beck asked, a faint smirk on his face as he picked up the lighter and sat it on the nightstand.

I still kind of wonder what he does with that. Maybe lighting things on fire turns Jade on.

Actually, that makes more sense than most of the other possibilities I thought up.

"The Vegas are a legitimate reason for fire," I muttered, unplugging the vacuum to put away since I was done cleaning up the carpet and Gwen's poster.

"I'm sure they are," I heard him call out as I rolled the device of hatred out and put it back in its closet. I sense sarcasm in my brother's voice. Hmph.

After walking back in, I noticed that Gwen had finished dusting and the bed was all made and everything was dandy. Great, now I don't have to be here with the Tori inviter. Who I am still very angry with.

She's not exactly happy looking right now either.

Good.

Before I could tell her to get out, she did so herself, but not before very purposefully bumping into my shoulder. Ow.

I mean, that little gank.

She didn't say a word to Beck and I the entire time we were in there, not even when I kept insulting her under my breath. I enjoyed it quite a lot, but I think I should be concerned.

Too bad. Gwendolyn does not deserve my concern at this point in time.

She's probably all pissy that her favorite poster is now in that vacuum in the hall closet. But she can always buy a new damn poster. I can't buy not having Tori on our trip.

I could always bribe her... But she probably really wants to go to Cancun with Andre. So they can make the beast with two backs in my aunt's beach house.

Gross.

"I still don't get why you're so mad at her," Beck said, looking up from his cell phone and at me.

"Aren't you mad?" I crossed my arms. "We could have given that ticket to Jade. Then we all would have been happy and Lea Michele wouldn't have had to burn to death."

Beck's phone pinged, so he took a minute to look at the text he just received. "Jade says she found her dad's credit card. She's booking her flight as we speak."

"... That is not the point and you know it."

Beck sighed. "Allison, can you please try to be pleasant, at least when we get there? This is my vacation too. I don't want to have to worry about having to tell Mom and Dad that you strangled Gwen with seaweed or something."

Then you probably shouldn't have given me the idea.

"Gah, fine. Whatever."

"Yeah, that sounded like you meant it," Beck said, again with the sarcasm, as he raised an eyebrow at me and walked out. Probably so he could sexy text Jade without having his little sister in the room to ruin the mood.

Hell, they probably flat-out sext. It's different from sexy texting, as I have mentioned before.

Bad thoughts about sexual exchanges between my brother and his girlfriend just make this day even peachier.

/ /

Hey y'all, dancing out my frustrations.

It actually helped, considering Gwen is no longer dead to me... Dancing makes me happy, and it calms me down. It's one of the many reasons I love it and want to do it for the rest of my life.

That, and you get to dress like a slut, for an actual reason.

There was a knock on my shut and locked door, followed by an, "Als, can you come downstairs? I made you some nummy oats with soy milk!"

Wait, that sounded like Gwendolyn. The girl who wanted me to drop dead for the destruction of her Glee memorabilia. She made me oatmeal despite all that?

I shut off my music and unlocked the door. After opening the door, observing the look on her face and crossing my arms, I asked, "Is it poisoned?"

Gwen's smile stayed firm and she let out a small laugh. "No. I guarantee that nothing in it will kill you."

"... Fine." As we started down the hall and down the steps, I couldn't help but ask, "So, uh, why?"

"Why what?"

"Why, after the Glee cast went up in flames thanks to me, did you make me a snack?"

Stepping off the final step, Gwen shrugged. "I'm a forgiving person, Allison. You know that."

I followed her into the kitchen. "Yeah, I guess that's true. The stupidest people are generally the most forgiving."

She pushed my smirking face and muttered, "Oh, shut up and eat your stupid oatmeal before I dump it over your head." She giggled while she said that, so it's all good.

She actually did a decent job with it. The oats aren't drowned in the soy milk, but she didn't skimp out either, like she usually does. It actually looked pretty good. She even put a banana on the side.

You'd think she was trying to get my love and affection back with the bribe of food.

It might work.

I sat down at the bar and took a drink from the chilled water bottle she placed in front of me before I started eating. Hmm. They taste better than usual. Kudos, Gwenny.

"This is my way of apologizing for giving the other ticket to Tori," Gwen murmured as she took the bar stool across from me. "I really should have checked to see if you'd be cool with that, considering your... special relationship with her."

Ugh. I have to say something mature and adult-like here, don't I? "What you did really wasn't that bad. I've just been in a bad mood lately. But that didn't give me any right to set afire to your property." Another bite of oatmeal. "And for what it's worth, this oatmeal kicks ass."

"Yeah." Gwen smiled and looked down at her lap. "I'm sure it does."

Hmm. Smug Gwen is smug. Something seems off...

But there was no time to think about that, as Beck walked into the kitchen, casting us a glance as he did so. "Wow, you two are in the same room and there are no open flames in sight. How about that."

Oh, haha. I'm Beckett Oliver and I'm a comedian.

Just try and imagine me saying that in a mocking Beck voice. It's a lot funnier.

"You're hilars, bro," I muttered, tightening my ponytail before I consumed more oats.

Beck gently yanked on said ponytail and I could hear him opening the fridge. "Well, I'm just glad nobody had to die for there to be something resembling peace around here again." Heh, yeah, that's usually what it takes. "I'm gonna watch a movie in the living room. You guys in?"

Gwen grinned and nodded. "Yeah! We'll be there in a sec."

Beck held his thumb up as he walked out, a glass of Mountain Fizz in his other hand.

I looked down at my bowl, seeing I had eaten about half of it. I guess that's enough. I looked up at Gwen and said, "Let's go before Beck picks out some movie with Vin Diesel." I stood up, dropped my bowl in the sink, and turned to look at my sister. "What brand of soy milk did you use? It takes way better than the stuff we usually get."

Gwen, eyebrow raised, got up and walked past me. "Oh? Did I forget to tell you?" She leaned against the fridge and casually shrugged. "We were out of soy milk."

Uh. Okay... "Then what did you use in my oatmeal?"

Gwen shrugged again, the same smug little look on her face. "Oh, we had some two percent that I substituted."

I stepped closer to her. "Two percent milk?"

The corners of her mouth twitched even farther up. "Well it's certainly not two percent tuna water."

What.

"What is wrong with you?!" I screamed. "I'm lactose intolerant!"

She didn't seem at all shaken, like she usually does when I yell at her. "Aww. Poo. I forgot about that." She bit her lip, but was still smiling some stupid smile, and said, "Shucks. Maybe if I wasn't so stupid and I hadn't been so sad about my Glee poster, I would have remembered that."

She walked out of the kitchen in victory, but you can't victoriously walk if you're dead. Which she very soon will be.

If that itty bitty bitch wants to make something of this, itty bitty bitch is gonna get something.

Because right now all I'm getting is the beginning of a huge stomach ache.


	51. revenge is a bitch

_"There is nothing I do better than revenge." - Taylor Swift_

**Gwen's POV**

Aly's not talking to me. Partly because she's totally piffed at me for giving her normal milk. Also partly because she couldn't talk if she wanted to. See, for the last hour my sister has been heaving her oats into the upstairs toilet.

That makes me feel sort of sorry for being a super sneaky Gwinja. That's a Gwen ninja, if you didn't already know.

Then again, she did burn one of my FAVORITE posters, so maybe this is just her karma. Karma that probably could have come later in life, but instead was induced by my oats soaked in two percent dairy.

Did you know that dairy shouldn't be ingested by the lactose intolerant?

I bet you did. My readers are smart, aren't you dear readers? Have a cookie.

...I'm really bored.

If I didn't know she was puking her guts up, I would say Aly's plotting some sort of revenge.

But like I said, she's barfing, so I don't think revenge will come to her in the form of milk and oats in the toilet.

Unless it does. In which that would be both gross and frightening.

"Gwen," Oh hey look it's Beck. Now I don't have to talk to myself for the remainder of this chapter. "I'm pickin' up Jade and we're heading to Tori's to help her and Andre pack."

Okay maybe I will have to talk to myself for the rest of these two thousand and something words.

Beck knows about Tori coming along now, but something tells me Jade doesn't. "Did you tell Jade that Tor's coming?"

"Yeah, no. I'm planning on telling her at Tori's, ya know, so Andre's there to call the ambulance when she cuts off my hands and throws Tori out a window." My brother shrugged and sort of smiled. Sort of because he's both laughing and just thinking about what would happen if Jade actually did that.

I don't put it past her to. Neither does he. "Why would she hurt you? I told Tori she could come." I crossed my arms after getting off the couch.

"She'd use my hands to strangle you."

"Maybe you shouldn't tell her."

Beck ruffled my hair and let out a curt chuckle, "It'll be worse if I don't." I nodded my head in agreement. "So I'll probably be home late tonight. If Nana asks, just tell her I'm out...feeding the homeless."

Yeah, that'll make Nana happy. She's all for those kinds of things. As long as one of us tells her we're out doing something for charity she'd let us stay out as long as we wanted.

"Have fun, I'll stay home with the parentals and Barfy McGee up there," I pointed up, referencing to Allison.

Beck sighed and, lol, ran his fingers through his hair, "Maybe if you didn't give her something she was allergic to, she wouldn't be in abdominal pain right now."

Oh poo. I didn't know he knew I gave her normal people milk. I need to think of something to counter this.

"Remember when we were younger and she gave me a Pecan Chipper candy bar and told me there weren't any actual pecans in it? That it was all just a joke that I didn't get? Remember how long it took for that rash to go away?" I shuddered at the memory.

That story is true. She knew I was allergic to pecans and she gave me that candy bar for unknown reasons. Like, double you tee eff, Allison?

If you think about it, it's really just me getting back at her. So hah.

Beck's phone beeped, and he sighed for the second time. Whether that's the retort to my response or the message he got is anyone's guess. "Gwen, I think that was your fault for being gullible and believing that there were no pecans in a candy bar with the word 'pecan' in the name."

"...Maybe it'd be better if you just went to Tori's, Beckett." I pouted my lower lip out and turned away from him.

I heard a few footsteps and felt a kiss placed on the top of my head, "Don't wait up,"

Wasn't planning on it, bro.

/ /

Shortly after Becketool left, my parents decided instead of Nana taking an 'irresponsible cab driver' here, they were just going to go pick her up.

How nice. Just leave your youngest daughter here alone.

Except they haven't left yet and I wouldn't be fully alone, 'cause Allison is still here. Well upstairs still...doing her thing stomachache thing.

Jeez, I didn't even give her that much milk. You'd think she'd be over it by now. I mean, didn't she have cheese at the Edison house?

I guess it's different now because that was only a small portion of the dairy, and she literally ate something that was soaked in dairy and then drank the remains.

"We'll be home around midnight. We have keys so lock all the doors, lock all the windows, lock your room door-"

"Mom, I think you're running out of doors to lock." I smiled. Unlike my sister, I don't mind when my mom goes through all these procedures of what to do while her and my dad aren't home at night. It just means she cares.

Jane, whom I'm starting to think Beck takes after more and more each day, kissed my cheek and patted my head, "Allison is upstairs, sleeping I think. I gave her SureLac so she should be fine when she wakes up. Beck is out with his friends so-" Commence my father honking the horn outside because my mother clearly is taking too long.

I pointed to the door and Jane rolled her eyes.

She probably doesn't even want to go pick up Nana. Obviously you guys know that Nana Joyce is my dad's mom, and there's like, a universal rule that people have to hate their in laws or something.

Like, not saying all people hate their in laws, but a good amount of people do.

Or maybe I've just seen Monster in Law too many times.

Probably the latter.

Part of me thinks being downstairs all by my lonesome is really scary, but the other part thinks this is a good opportunity for some fun.

By fun, I totally mean watching things on the TV that I'm normally not allowed to watch, because even though my family is totally messed up, we have rules like that.

Time for some Jersey Shore and Bad Girls Club and shows that girls with morals shouldn't watch.

Aly watches those shows, but then again I'm not sure she has any morals.

I made my way out of the foyer and into the living room where I sat my butt down on the couch and hugged the remote.

It's not often I get the living room, no, the whole downstairs and borderline whole house to myself.

Mm...I take that last part back. If I went upstairs making all sorts of noise, my sister would surely strangle me or brutally harm me. Unless strangely is considered brutal harm, then it'd just be the latter.

So, here I am flicking through the channels, and I think all the television stations are against me. 'Cause Jersey Shore isn't on and neither are any of those other dirty shows.

There's isn't even any porn on.

LOLJK, I wasn't looking for porn. Aly already told me we don't get those channels.

Wait...why was she looking for it. Ugh.

Do you want to know what is on? You guys are totally going to think this is cliche.

Okay, so my options are either The Scissoring and Twilight.

Sure the last one isn't considered scary, but the things my sister would do to me if she even caught a small whisper from that movie and caught me watching it are pretty scary.

I'm not really one for scary movies, and Beck did tell me never to watch The Scissoring. See, after he found out it was Jade's favorite movie, he suggested they watch it, mostly to get on her good side, and he even thought it was disturbing.

Mm.

Guess what I just changed the channel to?

/ /

I'm so glad you guys are back.

This movie is creepy. Like, you don't even understand. Never watch this movie.

It's about this girl that comes back from the dead and murders her two best friends. But she murders them with a pair of scissors, as per the title.

It just scares me because, well, aren't Aly and I considered to be Jade's two best friends? Or does she consider Cat and Tori- hah, never mind. I'll go with the first one.

She started with the pretty friend...so I guess that means I'm first. Or Aly.

Or she'll kill both of us at the same time.

I think it'd be a good idea if I- OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT.

Never mind. I freaked out for nothing. It's just my phone vibrating against my butt. And here I was thinking it was a dead girl carving things in my butt with scissors.

Wow that sentence was weird.

I unlocked my phone to see who it was, but the strange thing is, is that it's an unknown number. That's odd.

I guess I'll just leave it be.

"Let's see," I said, talking to myself out loud because it's what all the c00l kids do. Oh and you saw that right. I used zero's for the O's. Why? Because shut your dirty face hole, that's why.

I skimmed down throughout the Disney area, "Shake It Up or So Random..." Eh, I don't like Shake It Up anymore, because they did this whole scene where it basically made eating disorders seem like no big deal.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

"I guess So Random it is," Just as I hit the select button- would you believe that the TV totally shut off? As did the power in the living room.

Oh man. I must have blew a fuse.

Now I'm gonna have to wake Allison up and death will be upon me.

However, I could go in the basement and fix it myself, but I'm not going down there.

The spiders live down there and no, just- Hey there goes my phone vibrating again, and it's the unknown number to boot.

I guess I should answer it. For all I know it could be my Nana or the dead girl from The Scissoring. I tapped the talk button and put the phone to my ear, "Hello?"

The other end was silent. "Hello? Anyone there?" I twisted a lock of hair with the index finger on my free hand.

Just hang up Gwen, obviously it's the wrong number.

Finally from the other line came an insanely eerie, "Is the power out?"

Oh my Bieber. How does he slash she know? It could be Beck calling to say he's outside and he can see in the window 'cause the doors locked and- I'm getting rambly again. "Who is this?" That's a good question to ask.

Please be Beck. I mean, it sounds like a guy's voice...just a really creepy guy's voice.

Too bad the line went completely dead, just as I happen to hear a bump come from the basement.

Someone's in my basement. I'm going to die. I really wish I wasn't down here alone.

Wait. Down here alone. I'll just go wake Aly up! Why didn't I think of that before?

I scuttled off the couch and tip toed around the corner of my living room. What if there is someone in my house, guys?

Do you think it already got Aly?

As I crept into the short hallway, I felt another buzz coming from my pocket.

After taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and slowly opened my eyes.

I'm totally scared to see what the caller ID is.

LOL it's unknown. I'm just not gonna answer it.

... "Hello?"

"You should check on your sister."

This is the part where I throw my cell phone on the floor and run upstairs like a chicken with its head cut off.

The upstairs power is still on, because like I said, it was just the fuse in the living room. Which is better than the whole house going out because if there's a murderer or someone in here, I can still see where I'm going.

And where I'm going, after I get Aly, is straight out the front door and locking myself in Beck's RV.

I opened the door to Allison's bedroom slowly and whispered, "Als? Are you in here?"

There was no answer. The door opened fully, and to my horror, no one was in the bed, or the room for that matter.

Where is she? Is she dead? Am I next?

It's totally the dead girl from the Scissoring I knew it!

Before I could turn around myself, a pair of hands slammed down on my shoulder and-

I screamed. I totally screamed. So loud that I probably just broke every mirror, glass and window in my house.

"Gwen! Shut up!"

...That's my sister's voice.

I turned around, to see none other than Aly, in one piece with no mangled body parts or blood anywhere. "You're alive? I thought you were dead?" I hugged her torso and squealed.

I pulled back and I could tell she was biting back laughter, "Uh, yeah. Unless the inhalation of mass amounts of dust from a basement can kill you, I'm very much alive, Gwendoloser."

What would Aly be doing huffing dust in a basement?

Then it hit me. I backed up from her a few feet. "Wait a second. The basement...you mean...the blown fuse was you? Then that means...the creepy phone calls were you too?"

Aly crossed her arms and smirked, "That's what you get for messing with my oats."

My sister is the biggest bitch on the face of the planet.

But I'm just happy she's alive.


	52. I ship Andre and chocolate beverage

"Sometimes I find my head spinning. Not because of alcohol, but because of my life."  
>— Lady Gaga<p>

Aly's POV

"I can't believe you went to all that trouble just to get back at me."

"I can't believe you can't believe that."

Gwen shrugged. "True chizz."

I had fixed the fuse for the living room, so we were sitting there, watching some of my Jersey Shore DVDs. She's not actually allowed to watch the show, and my parents kind of encourage me not to watch it too, but I don't really give a flop. So Jersey Shore it is.

Somebody was fighting with somebody else, I wasn't really paying attention at that point, when Gwen spoke up. "So, can we call it even? I don't think I could cook up anything better than that."

"You're right about that." I smirked and leaned back farther into the couch. "Meh, why not. I'm getting sick of hating your guts."

"Good... I guess." Gwen gave me a weak smile. "I have to admit... That was awesome."

"Seriously?"

"Well, not awesome for me but awesome in general."

That deserved a smug smile from yours truly. "I know, right?" Gotta love the Voice Warp app. That, and my cleverness. They don't have an app for that. "But the fact that you just so happened to have been watching the most disturbing movie in the world, that was the dairy free icing on top of the dairy free cake."

Gwen's small smile disappeared. "Do not mention that movie to me. Ever. For the rest of my life. I am forever scarred."

I just shrugged and went back to watching Jwoww scream at someone. "Beck told you not to watch that."

Gwen stuck her tongue out at me before looking back at the flat screen as well. "Beck tells you not to do lots of things and you almost always ignore him."

Heh. Almost. That implies that there's a chance that I occasionally listen to him. Which as you all know, I don't.

Just then, my phone went off. That was also the moment Gwen screeched like a banshee and curled up in the fetal position. That's a little peculiar.

I bet you think I'm going to add 'even for her' to that, huh? I'm not that predictable.

... even for her.

Shut up.

"Calm your tits! I just got a text." She peeked out at me from between her arms, which she was using to shield her face from undead scissor wielders. I just rolled my eyes at her and unlocked my phone to read my new text.

Gwen's tiny tits finally calmed themselves, so she uncurled and asked, "Who's it from?"

"Beck." Gwen told me he and Jade went to Tori's to help her and Andre pack, and he was going to tell Jade about my sister's oh so appreciated invitation to Tori. According to the text, it went about as well as we all predicted it would. "They all told Jade that Tori's coming too."

"How'd it go?"

"Jade threw Tori's suitcase in her hot tub," I told her as I typed out and sent a quick 'that's all?' response.

"Oh. Geez, I hope she at least-"

Wow, that was a quick response. Let's see what my lovely brother has to say. "Jade also ripped the sleeves off of Beck's shirt. So if he comes home looking like a bad boy from the eighties, that's why."

As I sent him another response, Gwen let out a quiet giggle. "At least it was just his sleeves and not his hands she ripped off."

What.

... Actually, that does make sense. With Jade it does.

Another text came soon after. "Now he says you should prepare yourself because Jade's going to call yo-"

Gwen's phone started playing the Glee version of Run The World, which is her current ringtone. After she jerked in fear again, Gwen's eyes widened as if she thought Jade was going to jump out of the phone and slap her. "Oh my God, I don't wanna answer that!"

"You kind of have to," I said a little louder than I probably should have, but hell, she needed to pick up. It'd just be worse for her if she didn't.

Gwen poked out her bottom lip and shakily picked up her phone. She put it on speaker so she wouldn't have to hold it up to her ear and go deaf from Jade's yelling. And now I get to eavesdrop. Yeah. "H-Hi, Ja-"

"Gwendolyn Joyce Oliver, I am going to murder you in your sleep!" Jade screamed, making Gwen cringe. And I might have cringed too. "How could you do something so unspeakably horrifying?!"

"Hey, I'm not that bad," I could faintly hear Tori say in the background, only to be told to button her yap by Jade.

"I'm sorry!" Gwen said, looking like she was going to cry. "I just wanted to do something nice!"

"Well, it won't be so nice when I take my scissors and shove them up your scrawny-"

"Jade, stop threatening my sister," Beck said, sounding a little closer than Tori had been. "You want some chocolate beverage?"

"Chocolate beverage isn't going to make things better!"

"I beg to differ."

"Shut it, Andre."

Gwen combed her hair out of her face in a rather Beck-like fashion. Oh God, not her too. "Jade... Would it make you feel better if-"

"I punched you in the tit?"

"... If I told you I just had the pee scared out of me very recently? So much that I'll probably have to sleep with a nightlight for the rest of my days?"

"You do that anyway," I told her, and pretty much everyone on the other side of that phone call since I'm assuming she put it on speaker too, with a smirk. She loudly smacked my arm, so I smacked her back. Mine was much harder and louder than hers.

"Ow!" Gwen rubbed the developing red spot and glared at me. I just shrugged.

"Will you two stop hurting each other and tell us what Gwen's talking about?" You'd think that was Jade, but no, it's Beck. Jade would never tell someone to stop hurting someone else.

Gwen let out a breath. "Well, I was watching a movie-"

"The Scissoring, to be specific." Yeah, take that.

Gwen shot me a look that basically said 'thanks a lot' and muttered, "Yeah, we really needed to be specific about what terrifying movie it was. Anyway, to get back at me for feeding her dairy products and making her vomit, Allison turned off the electricity in the living room and called me a bunch of times, using a voice disguiser and saying creepy stuff just to freak me out. And then she popped out behind me and scared me when I least expected and she made me scream so hard I hurt my throat. The end."

She sure can tell a fine story, huh?

I'm trying to imagine the looks on everybody's faces. Jade probably looks somewhat satisfied in a way that didn't actually look all that satisfied, Beck is probably shaking his head at his sisters' insanity, Tori probably looks sad about her soggy suitcase and Andre's either comforting his shiny girlfriend due to the loss of her luggage or he's smiling because he's enjoying some chocolate beverage.

That's probably spot on.

After a moment of silence, Jade said, "Good job, Aly. That'll do."

My prank just got the Jade West seal of approval. I'm bursting with pride. And I'm not even being sarcastic.

"Would one day without you two doing something freakish to each other be too much to ask?" Beck let out a sigh and I'll bet you every piece of Betsey Johnson jewelry I have that he also ran his hand through his hair.

Gwen and I both answered that one instantly. "Yes."

He hasn't learned that by now? My brother's a slow learner.

"But everything's okay between us now," Gwen said, setting her PearPhone on the spot between us on the couch.

"We don't want to destroy each other anymore. That's about as okay as things can be between us."

Gwen giggled and asked, "So are you still mad at me, Jade?"

"Very much so. But since you'll probably screech every time I pull out a pair of scissors, I'd say I forgive you."

Gwen's disturbed expression was priceless. She's going to have a spaz attack pretty much any time Jade's around for a while.

"Um, thank you. Tell Tori and Andre we say hi."

"No."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Tell Andre we say hi."

"Aly and Gwen say hi, Andre."

Do I know that girl or what?

I heard somebody fumble with the phone, then Beck, who most likely took Jade's phone from her, said, "Look, I'll be home soon. Are the parentals back with Nana yet?"

I could hear Jade scoff, probably because she hates when people call their grandparents names like that, and I said, "No, but they'll probably be here soon."

"Okay, I'll try to say hi to her before she goes to bed. Don't set the house on fire before they get home."

"We'll try our best."

"Bye!" Gwen yelled before I hung up for her. That was probably so Andre and Tori could hear too, but that didn't make my ears hurt any less.

I promptly shoved her off the couch and started playing the show again. She just sort of laid there. "Get up, you bum."

"If you wanted me to get up, then why'd you push me down here in the first place?"

Huh. She has a point.

"I just like pushing you, that's all."

"I'm tired." She rested a hand over her stomach and sighed. "You have thoroughly exhausted me."

"My job is done." I kicked my feet up on the spot where Gwen had been sitting and relaxed, since it was almost midnight and I was kind of tired too. Even though I usually stay up until the wee hours of the morning, I'm not the only Oliver child who has been exhausted by her sister. "Go to bed then, lazy."

"But my bed's all the way upstairs. And I want to see Nana Joyce." Gwen pulled one of the decor pillows down from the couch and stuck it under her head. "The beads on this pillow hurt my head."

I just rolled my eyes and went back to watching Jersey Shore, which at that point was just a bunch of bleeps due to their foul, Jersey mouths.

Even though I'm not all that sure that any of them are actually New Jersey natives.

I could hear the front door unlock, so I turned off our inappropriate show. Apparently Gwen heard it too because she screamed and rolled under the coffee table. "The chick from The Scissoring doesn't have a house key, Gwendoloser."

"You don't know that!" Gwen screeched at me before hiding her face in the beaded pillow. That probably hurts more than the back of her head.

"Girls, we're home!"

"Don't violently kill me with your scissors!"

The woman behind the first declaration, also known as my mother, walked into the living room with my grandmother while my father carried her stuff upstairs. She looked confused by what Gwen had screamed. And why she was hiding under the coffee table. Like that's the weirdest thing she's ever said. Or done. "Gwendolyn, what are you-"

"Nana!" Gwen crawled out from under the table and got up to give our paternal grandparent a huge hug.

"Why hello there, Gwenny!" Nana hugged her back even tighter, if that's possible. As Jane walked up the steps, probably to help James with whatever, our grandmother said, "I swear, you've grown since I last saw you."

I got up to join in on the hug. "If the last time you saw her was in third grade, you'd be right."

As Gwen narrowed her eyes at me and my completely true comment (okay it's not entirely true), Nana Joyce started fawning over me. "Oh, Allison, look at you! You are getting more and more beautiful every single day!"

I didn't deny that.

Why would I deny the total and utter truth?

She did a once over of the area and asked, "Where's that handsome grandson of mine?"

Gwen spoke up. "Oh, he's, uh... reading to the blind."

Nice cover. At least she didn't say he was reading to the deaf.

"It's rather late, don't you think?"

"... They're blind insomniacs. He reads them bedtime stories so they can fall asleep."

Nana seemed to buy that. "Oh, Beckett is such a sweetheart. Such a nice young man... Has he gotten his hair cut yet?"

She's like obsessed with getting Beck to cut his mane. Something to do with him looking like a hippie or Johnny Depp or something.

I shook my head. "Uh, no. It's about the same length."

Her giant smile slightly faltered. "Oh. That's a shame."

Well, he got it trimmed a while ago. Jade almost killed his hairdresser because she kept touching his hair. I won't tell her about that, though.

"I'd love to talk, girls, but I am tuckered out." She gave us each a kiss on the cheek. "We'll catch up tomorrow when my jet lag's gone."

"Goodnight, Nana!" Gwen called out as she walked out of the living room and started up the steps. As she did, her PearPhone fell out of her pocket and on the floor with a thud. A loud enough thud to make her cover her hands over her mouth so her screams wouldn't make everyone in the house think she was actually being murdered with rusty scissors and look around for that best friend killer.

Sheesh, that movie combined with what I did to her really wonked her out. I wonder how much longer this will last.

As she bent down to pick up her phone, I poked her in the side and whispered, "Boo." Y'know, just to see how she'd react.

Apparently my finger is about as pointy as a pair of scissors, because she dropped her phone once again, screamed like a little girl, and ran right out the front door. Presumably to hide in Beck's RV. As if that's safer than the house.

I'm surprised nobody came down to ask what that ruckus was all about. They must have known it was Gwen. And since no one cares about Gwen, they just ignored it.

Jaykay.

Sort of.

/

I had stayed up to text Cory, telling him that things were dandy in the Oliver abode once more. I left out the part about me violently vomiting. The boyfriend does not need to know that.

He was just glad my deadly case of PMS was gone.

I told him to eat a rag. He said that he loved me too.

Is that boy perfect or what?

I heard the front door open and close again and shortly after, Beck walked into the living room. His sleeves were gone. Like, completely gone. Jade ripped them clean off his flannel shirt.

She's good.

"Did you have fun?"

"Haha," Beck flatly said as he sat down next to me on the couch. "It could have gone a lot worse, that's all I can tell you."

It really could have. She could have ripped off something besides his sleeves.

Oh sweet baby Jesus in a top hat I don't want to think about that.

"Did Nana go to bed?" I nodded and he shrugged. "I'll see her tomorrow. Where'd you guys tell her I was?"

"Gwen said you were reading bedtime stories to blind insomniacs."

"... That's not exactly what I told her to say, but as long as she bought it." Beck played with a stray string where his sleeve and shirt used to connect, then looked up at me. "It's late, Als. You should probably go to bed."

"Okay, Dad." I yawned, because my body has perfect timing at the absolute wrong times.

Beck flicked my forehead, but kissed the spot he flicked before getting up. "I'm going to bed too."

"Good luck. Gwen's probably nailed the door to your place shut."

"... Do I want to know?"

"Not really."

Sent from my iPod via the Internet


	53. the truth about fist crotch

"There is no reason that the universe should be designed for our convenience." John D. Barrow

Aly's POV

Goodmorrow, scholars!

Ew, opening up with that makes me feel like a Robbie. No one wants to be a Robbie, and no one wants a Robbie.

Unless your name is Cat and you're dating him. Or in some cases if you're Beck and Andre, and are having a secret love affair with the

aforementioned Robbie.

Both of those go for 'no one wants a Robbie' though, because not even Cat, nor Andre or Beck would want to actually be a Robbie.

I hope, at least. I mean, I know I would never want to be a Robbie.

Why?

If you have to ask that, you deserve to be slapped in the face with a hot oven mit. That threat could have sounded a lot worse, too, because that's exactly what I did to him the first day I met him.

See, the only reason Beck and Robbie are friends is because my brother left his phone at school, and Robbie found it whilst staying after to do

some nerdy thing with his nerd alliance.

So Robbie came to our house to return it and little eighth grade me thought he was Andy Samberg. I absolutley hated the movie Hot Rod, so in

my hatred I smacked him with a oven mit I had just used to take hot cookies out of the oven.

I baked them for Gwen's school, if you're wondering. I don't trust her with an oven and for someone who doesn't eat cookies, I've been told I

bake so boss cookies.

I just began this chapter with a story from my past. Go back and count how many times I've done that.

Even though I already have the answer.

I like to tell stories about my past to you lovely readers because...well I don't know why.

...Awkward turtle.

Oh! Who wants to know what I'm doing right now? Besides this gross algebra summer work my toad of a math teacher gave us.

I am packing for the Cancun trip we are leaving for tomorrow afternoon. Normally, when I pack, I totally blast music and dance around, but my

Nana is sleeping in the room just down the hall, so I can't do that.

I've split the stuff I want to bring into different piles. There's one for jean shorts, one for material shorts, tops that have sleeves, tops that are

cropped, tank tops, pajamas, sun dresses, bikinis, and accessories.

I'm on the fence about bringing my Uggs, and I feel wierd about only bringing three pairs of heels.

...Don't look at me like that. Even though I can't see exactly how you're looking at me, but I can tell that you're judging.

For your information, I am bringing flip flops, just less pairs that Gwen or possibly you would bring. One pair to be exact.

I'm just not a flip flop kind of girl. I'm a completely stereotypical Californian girl, seeing as how I almost always wear heels to the beach.

Our plane leaves at twelve thirty tomorrow, hopefully all this chizz will be packed. I wonder how many carry on's I'm allowed...probably one.

Which means I'll shove all the crap that'll keep me occupied on the flight into my Dolce and Gabbana white basket weave bag, 'cause it's big

enough and it's like, my favorite bag.

Ugh, I'm gonna need another suitcase.

Time to go see Gwen, not that I expect she'll have a spare suitcase, because she probably filled hers with stuffed animals and high waisted shorts.

She's got a lot of both those things.

I tapped my PearPhone and it read one o'clock. Ha, I just had to backspace because I forgot the 'l' in clock and it said- n-nevermind.

When I said my Nana was sleeping, I didn't mean to insinuate that it was nightime, she's just taking a nap. She's old, ya'know. Like...eighty

something.

Gwen, Beck and I don't think she'll ever die. I think she has the Sorcerers Stone hidden in her house and that glass jar of 'peach preserves' is

really the Elixir of Life.

Now, if you read that and went, 'what in the world are you spewing, Allison?'

Please, can you just hit the little red X in whatever corner and go read Harry Potter. It will literally change your life. It's life changing.

I swear to Bieber if you X out right now and you go watch the movies, I'm going to pop out of this computer screen and throw a cat at your face.

Not that I have a cat, but I can get one.

That's right, I'll find one just for such an occassion. I don't like when people are all, 'liek omgz imma potterhead but yaknowz i only sawed the

mooveez.'

Also, if you talk legit type like that, get ready for a cat in the face. Not the good kind of cat either. Wait what.

...Innuendo.

Before this whole rant started, I was saying that it was one clock, and what I was going to say was that the day is going by really slow.

Maybe I just think it's going slow because my Nana woke me up at eight in the morning and I normally wake up at about now.

Allison Jane Oliver does not get up at eight in the morning when school is not involved. Her excuse was that I 'shouldn't sleep the day away' and

'if Gwen is up and moving you should be to'. Uh, no I shouldn't.

Beck would be up too, but he locked the door to his RV after Gwen left.

Right. I scared Gwen so much she actually slepped in our brothers RV, with all the lights on.

I would have teased her and whatnot, but see, I wouldn't normally admit it, but when I was younger, I used to sleep in Beck's room when there

was a thunderstorm, because they scared me.

If you tell anyone, just remember what I said about the cat.

/

"Ugh, don't just sit there scrollin' through the Slap, Gwendoloser. Help me fit all this crap into my suitcase!" Suitcase isn't plural because no one

would give me another suit case and I stomped my foot and pouted and Nana said I was too 'materialistic'.

That sentence had more ands than intended.

I recruited Gwen to help me, but instead of doing important things she decided to scroll through the Slap. I swear, that website gets more and

more addicting every time you log on.

Especially since people started posting ridiculous pictures on their blogs.

"Your Tori fist crotch picture is getting a lot of reblogs..." Gwen giggled, but tried not to make it obvious considering Tori is her friend.

I would care more, but all I did was offer a small smile that was more threatening than pretty, because packing is getting frustrated. "Are you

going to help me or what?"

Over dramatically sighing, Gwen scooted her butt over to me and looked helplessly at all my soon to be in Cancun pieces of clothing and shoes.

"Uh, which of these piles are the stuff that isn't coming?"

I raised my eyebrow, "What do you mean not coming? All this stuff is going."

"Oh sweet little tuxedo wearing baby Jesus."

What's our fasination with making baby Jesus wear tuxedo's? I mean, I personally like him in a top hat but whatever.

I think it's because of that Talladega Nights, Ricky Bobby movie with the race cars.

It's so funny, even Jade likes it.

My 'n' key is sticking and I'm about ready to tear it off and feed it to Duke who is running around my room and if he pees on my clothes so help

me God I will ship him off to the sausage factory.

On a side note, if you know what that's a reference of, there's a chance I like you.

"Well, what are you bringing?" I leaned back against my bed and scrunched my eyebrows in a very judging way.

Of course, Gwen was too busy petting Duke to answer my question, so I guess I'll have to-

"SPACEY GWACEY." That may have been accompanied by a delicate smack to the forehead that made Duke run away.

Gwen, why does her name have to have an 'n' in it I have to pound on the keyboard every time, oh wait, just fixed it, oh my god I forgot what I

was saying.

Hold on.

Alright, Gwen jutted out her bottom lip in a pout and crossed her arms, "There's no need to hit, Allison Jane!"

Mrap, mrap, mrap. "What are you bringing?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Why not?"

"Because you're mean."

"Are you sure you're just not telling me because you know I'll judge you?"

My sister opened her mouth to retort, but ended up shaking her head yes. Ha, the girl knows me so well.

That sort of answers my question, too. Gwendoloser is totally bringing mass amounts of stuffed animals. "So...that means your bringing your

pengwen?"

That's when her face lit up, because she loves her pengwen.

For those of you who do not get it, Gwen's pengwen is a penguin pillow pet that she very cleverly calls a PenGwen.

Even I think it's clever.

I'm glad I bought it for her. I'm the best goddamn sister in the world.

My phone vibrated twice, indicating I got a new text message, but I'm way too lazy to check who it is.

Lazy, AKA, being a hyprocrite for innerly scolding Gwen about scrolling the Slap and scrolling the Slap myself.

Going back to what we were talking about before, his is totally random, but, "Does Tori know I'm the one who edited that picture? I even put a

watermark in the corner to throw her off. I've never even been to smosh dot com."

Seriously. I haven't. I didn't know it existed until I was searching through Lord Google for a website that had pictures, so it would look like I

didn't do it.

"I dunno. Ask her." Gwen suggested, throwing, oh that's nice just throw my precious material items, my bikini into the suitcase.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, that's a great idea. Hey, Tori, do you know I'm the one photoshopped that very hilarious picture of a fist coming out of

you vag-"

"You're the one who did that?"

I looked up from my phone and there stood one Latina, otherwise known as Tori Vega, raising her eyebrow and looking very confused.

My life is so effing convienient.

/

In the future, remind me to always answer my phone. That text message was Beck, saying that Tori was here and coming to the main house.

Turns out, my Nana let her in and told her Gwen and I were upstairs.

Why she's here, I'm just finding out.

"Since it takes awhile to get to the airport, instead of picking all your friends up, your mother thought it would be a good idea for all of them to

spend the night," My Nana, who lets strangers in the house, explained whilst making fudge.

That's such an old person thing. Fudge making.

"Uh, Tori's not really my friend, Nana." I mumbled, pushing a carton of milk far away from my place at the breakfast bar.

Tori scoffed, "Obviously, considering I don't think friends photoshop other friends pictures!"

Here we go. There's gonna be tension in the house tonight. Tension makes my hair frizzy.

...True story.

And what is with this 'sleeping over' business? I don't want other people in my house. What if creeper Tori creeps while I'm sleeping? I could very well wake up in a tub full of ice with my kidney gone.

I would ask Gwen what she thinks about it, but she's helping Nana with her fudge making. By helping, I mean she's licking the bowl and spoon

like the nugget she is.

I refused to acknowledge Tori's existence, and pressed for more answers, "So where's Andre, Cat, Beck and Jade?"

Nana Joyce took the spoon Gwen was just licking, and tossed it in the sink. "Beck and Jade were arguing about Oliver knows what, and young Mr. Harris took your brothers car to pick up Caterina."

He left his girlfriend here? How nice of him.

I'm honestly confused about where everyone's going to sleep. I mean, my parents won't let Jade and Beck sleep in the RV together, even though

they've sexed it up in their too many times to count, and they won't let Andre and Tori sleep together...

If I end up sleeping in the same room as Victoria Vega I will claw my own eyes out.


	54. dare for the road

"The world's a playground. You know that when you're a kid, but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it."

— Carl Allen, Yes Man

Aly's POV

So everybody's here now. Except for Beck and Andre, who went to the store toget some snacks and stuff for tonight and for when we're waiting at the airport. Whoopie.

Good times. Even though we're sitting in the living room, watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and not saying anything. Not awkward at all.

Jade's still mad at Gwen for giving Tori the ticket, Gwen's still afraid Jade's going to stab her with scissors, Tori's still mad at me for editing that hysterical albeit strange picture, I just don't like Tori, and Cat's innocently watching the movie.

So not awkward.

Gwen, who was sitting on the couch between Cat and Jade, broke the silence by holding out her arms, scooting closer to Jade to hug her and happily but nervously saying, "Yay, we're all having a sleepover togeth-"

"NO!" Jade screamed, giving Gwen a murderous look that made her back off immediately.

"Hey hey, we got the snackage!" Oh, you have excellent timing, Andre.

He and Beck walked in with a few plastic bags and as they sat them on the coffee table, Cat asked, "Did you get my cupcakes out of the car?"

Beck held up the container filled with red velvet cupcakes. "Yep."

"Yay!" Cat clapped her hands as Beck squeezed next to Jade on the couch and

Andre hopped onto the loveseat with Tori. More recliner for me. "I can't wait for tomorrow, but tonight's gonna be amazing!" Cat got on her knees and bounced up and down on the couch cushions. "We can play games and make ice cream sundaes and watch Mean Girls and-"

"As nauseating as that sounds, now that the boys are back, I think I have a better idea..." Jade showed an emotion other than anger for the first time since she got here and asked Beck, "Your parents are out doing last minute vacation crap, right? And your grandmother's upstairs?"

"Yeah, but my parents are probably going to be home soon..." I almost wrote

'pants' instead of parents. What a hilarious typo that would have been.

"Well, after they do and they go upstairs, I have an idea for a little game we could play. Something fun and interesting."

"Mangoes to Mangoes?"

"... No, Cat." Jade crossed her arms and she smiled a smile full of evil. "Dare For The Road."

Andre, Cat and Tori gasped as if those were the most terrifying four words in the world. Beck looked at his girlfriend like she was crazy. Gwen and I just sat there. "What's Dare For The Road?"

"A terrifying game Jade made up," Tori told Gwen. "It's like truth or dare without the truth option. You have to do the dare in a public place... We only played it once before."

"Robbie had to get his stomach pumped," Cat said with a frown.

"How was I supposed to know that you shouldn't mix tequila and Cat's brother's special medicine?" Jade shrugged. "Are you guys in or what?"

Even though they were so freaked out by the idea before, Andre, Cat and Tori slowly nodded. Jade can be persuasive when she glares at you hard enough.

Beck, on the other hand, isn't so easily swayed by Jadelyn. "No way. We are no playing that with Aly and Gwen here."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Come on, Beckett. We're not babies. I think we can handle anything any of you throws at us. I'm in."

Beck looked over at Gwen, who had her knees pulled up to her chest and was looking down at the floor as if she was trying to figure out whether she was willing to get her stomach pumped or not. "Gwen, you don't have to do it."

"No... It's okay, Beck. I-I want to do it."

"Good choice, Gwen. Now I don't have to hate you." Jade glanced at her boyfriend. "Beck?"

"... Fine. But nothing with illegal substances. Or nudity. Or blood."

"God, are you gonna let us have any fun?"

/ /

Since Jade was the one who started the game, she got to pick who went first.

Guess who she chose.

"I don't want to do this."

"Should have thought of that before agreeing to play, Vega."

Tori sighed and unzipped her hoodie halfway. "Okay, you know what? I'll do it. Tori Vega is a risk taker!"

"This isn't really a risk," I couldn't help but point out. "It's just humiliating."

"Thank you, Aly. I really needed your input on that!"

Oooh, sarcasm. Vega gets mean when you photoshop pictures and make it look like a muscular hand is emerging from her va-

Okay, she's walking into Whole Foods. Guess we should follow her.

"It won't be that bad, baby," Andre said as they walked in, running his hand across his girlfriend's back.

Tori sighed but gave him a small smile before walking off to the produce department.

There's a little Skybucks kiosk in the front of the grocery store, so we took a table next to it to get a front row seat to Tori's dare.

As we spied on her rifling through some fruit, I asked, "When did you guys play this before?"

"During winter break," Jade said as she watched Tori reluctantly pick up two cantaloupes. "The cops are still trying to figure out who cut all the branches off the Christmas trees they were selling on Sunset."

Heh. I'm actually kinda glad Beck told her nothing too bad tonight. It'd be a shame if we got arrested right before our vacation.

I'd be okay with Tori behind bars, though. Or Gwen.

Okay, not Gwen. We'd get in trouble if she got arrested. And I love her and stuff.

"Shh!" Cat pointed to a nearby register and whispered, "Here she comes!"

Tori slowly put her cantaloupes down and weakly greeted the perky cashier. As she rang them up, she asked, "Will this be all?"

"Y-Yeah." Here it comes. "I really did need some... some nice, firm melons."

Okay, now now do it now.

Oh sweet baby Jesus with a top hat and monocle, she just did it.

Tori walked back over, trying not to blush from how hard everyone, even her boyfriend, was laughing at her. "I think I'll have to tell my mom we have to get our groceries somewhere else... Can I please take these out of my shirt? I have to hold them up and that makes it look even worse."

Jade shrugged, trying her hardest not to laugh too hard. "You can, but I kind of

prefer you this way."

Glitter Tits, or should I say Cantaloupe Cans, promptly pulled the produce from their spot tucked into the front of her hoodie and dropped them on the table. "I can't believe I paid to shove fruit down my shirt and horrify cashiers... and the soccer mom with like seven kids in line behind me."

"Dare For The Road is a vicious game that no one wins... That's why it's so fun." Jade smirked, but gestured to her. "Okay, you did your time, Vega. Now you get to dare someone. And make sure it's not something suckish like putting an ice cube down somebody's pants. I don't put that below you."

Tori rolled her eyes, but they quickly landed on me. "Aly. I have a dare for you."

Oh, this oughta be good.

/ /

"No. Absolutely not, Tori. My sisters are not getting within ten feet of this place and Aly is not doing the Balls of Pain."

"Beck, please." I shot Tori a look before looking back at him. "I'm sure I've done much worse than anything this place can throw at me."

As we walked into this so-called Gorilla Club, really creative name by the way, Beck told me, "Allison, I really don't think you know what you're getting into. This place is dangerous. They make you sign a waiver just to be in the building."

"She'll be fine, Beck," Tori told him as this beefy bald guy handed us a bunch of clipboards. "I was moderately okay after I did it. It's not like I dared her to do the Gorilla thing."

As he signed his waiver, my brother sighed and admitted defeat. Which is good, because you can't back down from a dare. "Fine. But if you break your ribs, I am not taking the blame for it."

"Love you too, bro." I handed my freshly sighed waiver to the guy, as did the rest of us, before rolling my eyes. "So where is this pain ball thing?"

"The Balls of Pain are right over there," Tori said, pointing to something that looked like a demented version of Newton balls. Oh God that looks scary.

I mean- "Please. That doesn't look too bad." I handed my PearPhone to Jade, who was still kind of upset that Tori's dare was more badass than hers. I still enjoyed it, Jade. Even though she's probably not reading this.

Some guy came flying off the giant mechanical bunny (what?) I can't believe I didn't notice before and landed several feet away from Cat. She turned to Gwen and said, "Ooooh, the bunny's free! You have to try it!"

She and Gwen were about to run off until Beck grabbed our sister by the wrist and said, "Yeeeah, no you don't."

"Aww."

After letting go and making sure Gwen wouldn't run off anyway, he turned back to me. "Are you really sure about this? This isn't just some game. Those things hurt when they hit you."

Jade walked back over to him, crossed her arms and said, "Beck, she's the size of an average broomstick. I don't think she has to worry about fitting between those things."

"Thanks, Jade… I guess."

As I told the guy with the microphone, who I'm assuming is in charge of the game, that I wanted to play, I couldn't help but hear Andre ask, "Gwen, where'd you get those peanuts?"

Gwen shrugged. "I found them on the floor."

After telling what's his face my name, I turned around to find Beck blankly staring at my sister. He then looked at Jade. "She eats things off the floor,

Jade. Girls who eat things off the floor do not belong in the Gorilla Club."

"They're probably cleaner than the ones they keep in that toilet bowl over there," Jade muttered, gesturing to said toilet bowl. Wow, that's real sanitary. But the people hanging around here don't really look like they care about their health. "Calm your tits, Beckett. I'll keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't use the bathroom here. Satisfied?"

"… Kind of." Beck looked back at Gwen, who had been ignoring Beck and Jade discussing that she practically needed a babysitter and was still popping ground peanuts into her mouth. "Stop eating those!"

"But they're delicious!" Gwen whined. "And I'm hungry!"

"If you all are done discussing Gwen's disgusting eating habits, I'd like to get this over with." I walked past them, with Beck and Andre patting me on the back in a big brotherly fashion as I did so, and up to the starting point. My friends and Tori weren't far behind.

Once the guy saw me, he turned on his mic and announced, "Okay, thirty seconds on the clock. You have to get all three rings and bring them back before time's up. And you can only have one ring in each hand. You ready?"

After doing some decent stretching, I rolled my neck and nodded. "Whenever you are."

"Good luck, Aly," Gwen told me from behind.

"Watch your back," Beck, to my side, warned.

"And your head. And your shoulders. And your face-"

"Thanks, Cat," I interrupted in a not-so-friendly manner.

"You're welcome!"

I didn't even have time to roll my eyes before the buzzer went off.

Okay, I got past the first one. This isn't that ha- OH MY GOD THAT THING ALMOST TOOK MY GODDAMN HEAD OFF.

And there are like three more.

I guess I can't blame Tori for wanting to kill me. I did sort of publically humiliate her on the interwebs. But if one of these things rips my beautiful head off, I'm going to run over to her like a decapitated chicken and throw her in front of that fire-breathing bunny.

Okay, got past the second one. And I only screamed twice this time.

I could faintly hear my friends, siblings and Tori shout things, most likely words of encouragement. I couldn't really hear them over the rest of the crowd shouting things and-

Okay, I had to duck down to avoid that third one. I almost fell over. But I didn't. Because I am undeniably a boss.

Wait, why is Tori cheering for me? It makes it hard to hate her when she's being nice to me.

Except she's the one who put me up to this in the first place.

I made it to the other side! SUCK ON THAT, TORI.

I mean yay.

There are three rings, but I can only put one in each hand... There is no way in hell I'm doing that twice, so after getting the first two rings, I did something completely horrifying.

I took the third ring off of the pole with my teeth.

I'm probably going to get herpes. Victoria Vega is gonna give me friggin' herpes.

... I should have worded that better.

Apparently my loophole was accepted, because the announcer guy didn't say anything, so I made my way back over, a little quicker this time. I had to duck down on the second to last one, and I almost fell over, but I got my shit together and finally made it through.

I could barely make out a bell, some wild cheers from the audience and the announcer guy stating the obvious by saying I was a winner because I was too busy trying to get the ring in my mouth on a peg. And, y'know, feeling superior to everyone.

"You did it!" Cat cried, glomping me with great force. One of those forty pound balls couldn't take me down, but Cat might be able to. "Yaaaay!"

Beck handed me a water bottle, which I took a swig of, gargled with, and spat out onto the floor. That ring tasted like palm sweat. And possibly herpes. I don't know what herpes tastes like.

"I have to admit Als, I'm impressed," Tori told me as Beck squeezed my shoulder and I took an actual drink of my water.

"I have that effect on people." I smirked and looked around for Gwen, expecting a huge hug from her. I saw no sister. "Where's Gwendolyn? Did she miss my triumph?"

Beck looked around too. "She was right-" He looked at Jade, who was smiling at something on her PearPhone. But Jade never smiles... "Jade! Where's Gwen?"

Jade looked up and shrugged. "How should I know?"

"You said you'd keep an eye on her!"

"I was!"

"Then what happened?"

"I told her to go have fun when you weren't paying attention."

This sounds like a fight between the worst parents ever.

Before it could turn into a screaming match, Gwen scurried back over and, as I predicted, she gave me a huge hug. "Aly-gator, you rocked that! I could see you all the way from the net!"

"Yeah, that's- What net?" I asked, eyebrow raised. "And where's you get that giant banana?"

She pointed to the other side of the building with her banana-free hand. "I played the game with the giant monkey."

Everyone seemed flabbergasted by that announcement. Apparently that's a big deal. "You got past the gorilla?" Andre asked.

"And your limbs are intact?" Jade added. "How?"

Gwen shrugged. "I ducked down and crawled between his legs like a Gwinja. He didn't realize I had gotten the banana until I was already gone. Actually, I still don't think he knows where I went..."

"Gwen, that's amazing!" Tori exclaimed.

"Why?" Gwen held the banana up. "This isn't even real."

... She thought a banana half her size was real. Why doesn't that surprise me.

"... Okay!" I turned to the group. "Now that I have totally owned Tori's dare, it's my turn." I glanced at everyone and my eyes finally settled on a certain redhead. "Cat."

She gasped and pointed at herself. "Oh my God, I'm Cat!"

"Yes... You are." As we headed toward the exit, I asked, "Do you still have those cupcakes back at-"

I was interrupted by some vicious grunts, so we all turned to find a guy in a gorilla suit waddling toward us, his eyes set on Gwen. That can't be good.

Everybody pretty much screamed 'run' a million times as Beck basically shoved me and Gwen up the steps and out the door.

The Gorilla Club is delightful.

/ /

Cat frowned at her last cupcake and gave it a kiss right on the frosting. "I'm so sorry."

Why is Cat apologizing to her cupcake, you ask? It might have something to do with my dare.

"Mr. Matica's not gonna be happy when he sees this," Gwen mumbled, gripping that big ol' banana.

That sounded kind of dirty. I really need to stop reading smut. Uh, I mean- "Mr. Matica's never happy, so it's all good," I said with a shrug. "You did a nice job, Cat. His entire windshield is trashed."

Cat had obediently smashed her cupcakes frosting-down over the windshield of my evil math teacher's crappy old car, so the whole thing was basically covered in thick buttercream, crumpled up red velvet cake and colorful cupcake wrappers.

"Isn't it bad enough that you broke the poor man's windshield?" Tori asked. "Now you've made Cat defile his new one with desserts?"

I scoffed. "It's not my fault his old windshield broke."

"You threw a textbook through it, so I kind of think it is."

"You already gave your dare, there's no need to criticize mine." I crossed my arms and looked back at Cat, who was sadly hugging her empty container and licking her lips. "Okay, your turn, Cat. Pick someone to dare."

Cat tapped her chin as she looked over those who hadn't completed a dare yet. "Beck!"

He had been leaning on his car, which he had parked in front of Mr. Matica's house (don't ask me how I knew where he lived) and looked up when he heard his name. He didn't look worried, because he never looks worried, and because he knew Cat's dare probably wouldn't be that bad. She'd probably make him eat an entire bag of marshmallows or something. "Okay, what've you got for me?"

Cat pranced over and gestured for him to lean down. When he did so, she whispered something into his ear and, from the looks of it, tried her hardest not to giggle too hard.

When she was done, Beck didn't look quite as nonchalant as he did before.

/ /

Cat is brilliant. I regret ever doubting her. Seriously.

I have no idea how she came up with this dare, but it's amazing.

Okay, Beck's at the door, he's in position, he rang the doorbell...

And Austina Shizuka answered.

Oh. It was supposed to be David. But this might be even better. Why?

Because, accordingly to Cat's dare, Beck was leaning against the doorway to the Shizuka residence, his right arm above his head and the thumb of left hand stuck in one of the belt loops of his jeans. It was supposed to be a sexy pose but it was just comical to those of us spying behind a shrub in the front yard.

The fact that he had a rose between his teeth and wasn't wearing a shirt just made it even more hilarious.

Beck surprisingly didn't just run away. Austin just as surprisingly didn't slam the door in his face. To keep his rose from falling out, Beck said, through his teeth, "Ish David hewe?"

"Uh... Yeah." Austin nodded, like he didn't know what else to do or say. "I'll, uh, go get him..." He gently closed the door and shortly after, I could hear him shout, "Yo, Dave, Gwen's brother is here! I think he wants to have a three way with us!"

Cue eruptive laughter from those of us who aren't Beck.

"Oh, really funny, Austin!" The walls to David's house are not thick. Either that or he and his brother are really loud. "I'm trying to watch a movie! Be weird some other time, will you?"

"What the hell am I supposed to tell him?"

"I don't know, that if he wants guy on guy on guy so damn bad, he should ask Robbie and Andre!"

Cue explosive laughter from everybody but Beck and Andre. They have to keep their relationship a secret, after all.

/ /

"I hate you, man. I hate you with every fiber of my being."

"You hang out with Jade too much," Beck said with the slightest of smirks. "It was hilarious."

"For you all, maybe!" Andre sat down between Tori and Gwen on the curb in front of the store we had just been in and pouted. He totally pouted and nobody can deny it. "I'll never be able to show my face at that music store again."

"It wasn't that bad," Tori quietly said, rubbing his arm.

"Beck made me make out with a Justin Bieber standee!" Andre exclaimed. "That's pretty chizzin' bad!"

Beck, standing next to them, with Jade at his side doing something with her phone, laughed at his best friend's expense. Maybe the rest of us laughed too, but not nearly as hard as we did when Andre was macking on the Biebs. "If my man card had to be revoked tonight, so did yours."

That didn't make Andre any happier. "A group of twelve year old girls pointed and laughed at me!"

"I liked when you moaned, 'baby, baby, baby oooooh,' " Cat said, sitting with me on the trunk of Beck's car.

"Yeah, that was a nice touch," I added with a smirk.

"... I figured I might as well get into it." Andre sighed and sat up a little straighter. "Okay, it's my turn..." He looked to his left at Gwen, still holding her banana. I think she's proud of it now that she knows getting it is an achievement. "Littler O. I got something for you."

"Does it involve this banana?"

"... No."

Tori leaned over Andre so she could see Gwen and said, "Y'know, I don't think you were supposed to keep that."

Gwen stuck her tongue out at her. "You're also not supposed to get cantaloupe breast implants."

Oh snap. Good one, sis.

Before Tori could retort, Jade let out a small laugh that made everyone focus on her. "Why do you keep laughing at your phone?" Cat asked. "Did you download the yo momma app?"

Jade shook her head, still looking at the screen. "No, I'm just looking at the comments for a video I uploaded that now has over a thousand hits."

Beck leaned over to see what she was talking about, then shook his head at her. "You didn't..."

"I did." Jade smirked. "Tori and her big melons are going to be viral."

Wow, I didn't even see her record that. I underestimated Jade too.

Tori looked horrified. "You uploaded a video of that?!"

"Kinda," Jade responded as she read another comment that was most likely hilarious.

Tori huffed and rested her head on Andre's shoulder. I felt a little sorry for her for being humiliated on the interwebs twice, but then I remembered it was Tori and then it was funny. I'll have to see the video comments later.

But for now, Gwendolyn's about to get dared.

/ /

Gwen looked up at the diving board, then back at Andre with narrowed eyes. "You are a cruel individual, Andre Patrick Harris."

"I'm going to ignore the fact that that's not my middle name and agree with you."

Since I just mentioned a diving board, I'm going to hope you know that we're at a public pool. Most pools are closed at nighttime, and this one is no exception, but fear not, because Jade still has a foot.

What you might not get is why we are here. Beck said no nudity, so Andre obviously didn't dare her to skinny dip. If he did, Beck would punch him in the balls and everyone else would think he was some creeper who wanted to see fourteen year old girls all naked and wet. And just because his girlfriend is a creeper doesn't mean he has to be.

No. Andre has dared my sister to jump off the high dive.

Some of you are probably saying, 'omg wats the big deel thats not that scarryyy' and in response, let me tell you a story from many years ago.

Okay, it was only like two years ago.

Beck was fifteen and didn't have his license yet, so he couldn't chauffeur us to the beach or the mall or Mexico or wherever we forced him take us yet, so we usually had to walk places when our parents were too busy to drive us. Or they just didn't want to, whatever.

Well, Andre was over at our place one fine summer day when our parents were at work. It was nice out, so he thought we should walk to the pool. You know, 'cause nothing's more fun than swimming in other people's urine.

But I went with them because I had nothing better to do. And I take every tanning opportunity I can.

Gwen had, like, just turned thirteen a few weeks before, which is how old you have to be to use the diving boards. So when we got there, I said she should give the high dive a chance. Gwen's a brainless dope, so she didn't even think about it before running over and climbing the ladder of the fifty million foot tall diving board. When she got to the top, she looked down and almost immediately started freaking out. A lifeguard had to climb up and pry her off of the diving board.

I don't know why she was so embarrassed about it. He was hot.

As Gwen looked up at the diving board of doom and humiliation, Tori said, "I didn't know you were afraid of heights, Gwen."

"I'm not." Gwen kicked off her flip flops and started taking off her clothes, stop it you perverts, to reveal the Hollister bikini she had put on underneath when we went to the house to get said swimsuit. "I'm afraid of falling to my death."

"Why would you be afraid of that?" Jade asked. I almost thought she was being serious.

... Maybe she WAS being serious.

Gwen sighed and started climbing up the ladder while we watched her from the sidelines. And her banana.

That thing had better not become another Lorenzo.

I guess I wouldn't mind if she fell in love with bananas. I don't hate bananas.

Whoa, she's up at the top now. And she looks like she's gonna wazz herself. Good thing she's wearing a swimsuit.

"So, um, should I do a cannonball or a jackknife or-"

"Nah, just dive in," Andre answered her shouts as we all looked up at her.

"O-Okay! Here I go!" She jumped up and down on the board a few times before slowing down and crying, "Hurray, I did it!"

"You did nothing but look like a boob!" Jade shouted up at her.

"... Oh. I must have imagined jumping." Even down here, I could hear her take a shaky breath. "Okay, for reals this time! Yeah!" She didn't even attempt to jump this time. "Here I go! I'm gonna jump off! Right into the water! Yeah, it's gonna be all wet and- oh God I can't do this!"

"Yes, you can!" Cat cried. "You can do anything if you put your mind to it!" On a quieter note, she added, "Expect fly. My brother learned that the hard way."

"Gwendolyn!" Jade yelled to her. "I'm going to give you an option. You can either jump off that damn diving board, or we will go back to Whole Foods, buy a lobster and a hammer and take it out into the parking lot so you can smash it to death!"

"NO!" Gwen shrieked, almost falling off the board.

"Then jump!"

"Jade," Beck firmly began, "stop it. She's scared. Telling her she has to murder crustaceans isn't going to make thi-"

A loud splash interrupted him. Gwen waved at us from the deep end with a big smile. "I did it! I peed a little on the way down, but I did it!"

After a few woots and claps from the rest of us, mostly Cat, I helped her out of the pool. She wrapped her towel around herself and looked back at Jade. "Well, I did it. And since you're the only person that hasn't done a dare..."

"I'm really scared of what you're gonna make me do," Jade sarcastically said, smirking at her.

Gwen raised an eyebrow. "You should be."

/ /

"I can't believe you dared her to-"

"Shh!" Gwen interrupted Tori and pointed forward. "She's at the front door!"

We were standing on the sidewalk in front of the house, since we don't care if he sees us. Beck asked Gwen, "Isn't this a bit cruel?"

Gwen brushed her still wet hair out of her face, put her hands on her hips and raised her eyebrows at him. "Jade and her little game is the main reason Austin Shizuka now thinks you want to have a threesome with him and my boyfriend."

Beck didn't have anything to say to that.

Jade rang the doorbell, then kicked the front door just because. Sinjin answered surprisingly quickly, even though it's really late and most people are probably in bed right now. Maybe Sinjin lives in the cupboard under the stairs, like Harry Potter.

Nah, Sinjin isn't cool enough to be similar to Harry Potter in any way.

Before he could ask her what she was doing there in a way that would be undoubtedly creepy, Jade grabbed the front of his shirt, pulled him closer to her and, wait for it-

Kissed him on the lips. For like two whole seconds. I'm surprised she didn't vomit on him.

He probably would have liked that, though.

She instantly shoved him down, and he just sort of laid there as she stormed off. He was stunned, I presume, because that was probably his first and last kiss.

Jade stomped up to us and, ignoring our laughter, glared at Gwen. "I hate you! I hope you get eaten by wolves!"

That just made us all laugh even harder. Gwen fell on the ground and ROFLed.

We're really weird.

No wonder this is how we spent our night.


	55. confusing, sleeping, shouting

"The feeling of sleepiness when you are not in bed, and can't get there, is the meanest feeling in the world." Edgar Watson Howe

Gwen's POV

Lalala, that was probably one of the most terrifying and exhilerating moments of my young life. I jumped off the high dive and didn't high die.

That was a joke, so laugh.

We got home about ten minutes ago, thankfully. Ugh, am so tired.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm not sleeping, I mean, we should all definitley be sleeping, right? We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.

Well, we're not sleeping. Who wants to take a wild stab in the dark (literally because we can't turn any lights on or my mothers internal alarm will

go off and she'll stab us) at what we're doing at this crazy hour of the night.

Or morning, 'cause it's one o'clock. Hey, wait a minute...it's one in the morning already? Jeez, times flies when you're having fun, I guess. Even

though for some people it wasn't really fun, but actually very terrifying.

Now, before you do, I want to give you lovely readers some hints so your chances will- alright, that's probably the eleventh or twelfth 'w' I've

used in the last two paragraphs and it's getting really annoying. Agreed?

Anyway, okay, so the seven of us, that would be Cat, Jade, Tori, Beck, Andre, Aly and I, are at the far side of the hallway doing something.

Oh and since you guys are all perverted, or maybe it's just me, I would assume you're thinking, 'uh, the seven of you in a hallway and most of

you are extremely deliciously hot looking teenagers? It's definitley an orgy. No doubt.'

Well it's not and you're gross. My brother is here. To you, he might be hot, I mean, that is if you ever saw him in person, or stalk him on the Slap or saw him on TV.

Although I haven't the slightest clue as to why he'd be on TV. He's not famous or anything.

Whatever. Seriously, though, think about it. Your main clue is Jade and Tori being in the same room as Tori. Or that might be a bad clue...I'm

just too tired to make sense right now and you guys are taking a long time to guess.

The seven of us are arguing this late at night, or like I said, morning, depending on how you want to see it.

Why are we arguing? Well, okay, so mainly Tori, Beck, Jade, A- hey wait. Oh my God. In the heat of the fight...she fell asleep.

Not just her. Andre, too.

She and Andre are leaned up against each other, sleeping. Luckys.

Alright, well, Jade is mad because she wants to sleep with Beck and defile a bed in our house before we leave for Cancun. Considering I'm pretty sure it's Wednesday, tonight is their roleplaying night and chiz goes down on Wednesdays.

"If my parents catch us sleeping together, they're going to kill me!" He whispered in a shoutty way.

Mm, I suppose that is true.

Like, we all know they've slepped together and sexed it up, ew ew ew, but that's in the RV and not in the house.

These are my parents rules and my mom likes to pretend that Beck is still a virgin.

So I don't think he's over reacting.

Before I continue with this next part, you may have noticed that I said 'a bed in our house' and not his.

I'll give you a few moments to go back up and look for that part.

...Okay?

Now, you may remember that we have a guest bedroom downstairs. That's being turned into another office because my dad went on this rant

about how Beck has an RV so we can just turn his room into a sort of guest room and blah I'm James Carson West and I'm old.

Yeah. Something like that.

If Nana is sleeping in Beck's room, and Rosa is in the middle of fumigating and cleaning the RV, the only two available rooms are mine and Aly's.

But, and this is where Aly had her hand in the argument, my bed has this nifty pull out thing at the bottom that turns it into like two beds.

That might have been confusing but almost all of what I'm saying is confusing.

I'm tired.

Let's just recap some pieces of the argument from before Allison fell asleep.

Why is this nessacary? Because I still like italics.

After so many times of telling Jade that our Nana and parents were sleeping just down the hall, she still insisted on basically shouting. "This is

ridiculous!"

Beck ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, "No, you're being ridiculous. Andre and I are gonna sleep in Aly's room, and you four are gonna sleep in Gwen's."

Cat bounced at the idea of a 'seperate girly slumber party' and Tori was just about ready to sleep anywhere. Aly of course, had to add her two

cents about not wanting to sleep in the same vacinity as Tori, but we ignored her.

"Why don't you and I sleep in Aly's room?" Jade put her hands on Beck's waist and pulled it closer. I might vomit.

"Uh, no. Because I know exactly what'll end up happening and it's not happening on my bed." Aly raised her eyebrow and made a disgusted

faced.

Jade looked at Aly and back at Beck. "I like it on the floor."

That brings us to the point where Beck was like, 'lolol my 'rents will murder me with a spoon' or something like that.

Coming back to reality, I realized that Jade was now doing what I like to call, 'The Jade West triple threat'.

Patent pending.

That is the product of what happens with Jade groans, rolls her eyes and crosses her arm in like this one swift movement. A triple threat.

After that, she doesn't really say anything, she just stares at Beck with these little daggers she calls eyes.

"It's just one night, Jade. When we get to Cancun," My brother pulled his girlfriend much closer than where she had pulled him and wrapped his

arms around her waist. "-we can sleep together all we want."

He tried to make that sound less dirty than it could have. My brother always does that when Aly and I are in the same room as him.

I guess this time he didn't try as hard, because all of us want to go to sleep and pretend our dares didn't happen.

High dive. Shudder.

...don't mind me.

Jade looked content, what with Beck being so close to her, that is, until Tori opened her mouth.

First it was to yawn, and in Jade's mind that already ruined the moment, and the to say, "Can we please go to sleep now?"

To this, Jade shot her an angry glare. "Of course this situation means nothing to you."

Oh snap.

Except I'm not quite sure why I said 'oh snap'. I honestly don't know what she means by that.

Neither does Tori, I mean, I have to say she looks pretty confused.

I looked over at Aly and Andre, who were still very much asleep, wah I'm so jealous.

I wonder if Andre would be interested to know what was being said here.

My attention returned to Tori, as she scoffed and asked, "Oh? And what's that supposed to mean?" Sure she might not have known what it

meant, but normally when Jade talks to her, it's on a offensive basis. So obviously offense was written all over her face.

Jade took a step away from Beck and smirked, "Well, I know why I want to sleep in the same room as Beck. You're not putting up a fight about

not being able to sleep with Andre so," She didn't finish, because I'm sure Tori gets it now.

And I get it now, too. Do you? "If you think the reason is because I'm not a-"

Tori stopped, Jade grinned, Beck pinched the bridge of his nose, I'm pretty sure Cat is hyperventalating for unknown reasons, Aly and Andre are

making strange noises and I'm inner dialoguing.

What a nice way to spend the second part of our night.

"You're not a what, Tori?" Cat asked, between gasps of air because she doesn't like when people fight, even if it is minor.

The hallway was silent. Jade was just waiting for Tori to say that she is a virgin, just so Jade can call her out on an almost lie and embarass her.

That's Jade's way of thinking anyway. I don't see anything wrong with being a virgin, or not being a virgin. When you're ready, you're ready. If

you're not, then wait.

I say this as I twist my 'true love waits' ring around my finger.

"Oh my mother chizzing great Gandhi partying with Jesus wearing a top hat, Tori Vega isn't a virgin, can we please go to sleep so I can go to

Cancun and tan on the beach?!" Hey look, Aly's awake.

A room door swung open and, oh, hey look my moms awake too.

Uh oh.

"Allison Jane Oliver! Do you know what time of night it is? Why the hell are you shouting? What is wrong with you? Why aren't you kids in bed?

If your Nana wakes up her arthritis will flare up and..."

They ramble continues but I'm not making mental notes of all of it.

Goodnight.

/

Guys! I am so pumped!

Are you not so pumped? You should be!

Cancun is just a few hours away. We're at the airport right now and we just went through security.

Funny story about that, on a side note.

Jade had a pair of her special scissors in her pocket, and the alarm went off when she walked through the metal detector.

They security guy was all, "Ma'am, I'll need to pat you down."

Well, neither Jade or Beck was having that. So they got into a couple power fight with the guy.

The guy said Jade wouldn't be allowed on the flight because her scissors were a weapon or something, but it's all good now, because Aly bribed

him with twenty dollars.

Tori said that wasn't legal, but who cares.

AM SO PUMPED.

Seventeen Magazine she had with her.

"Gwen, calm your tiny titties down. It's not like you've never been to Cancun before." Aly rolled her eyes and flipped through the pages of a

I jutted my lower lip out in a pout, "You're just grumpy because Cory hasn't texted you back for three minutes."

Aly narrowed her eyes and stuck her face more into the magazine, trying to distract me from seeing her check her phone nonstop.

But I did. Muahaha. David and I texted while we were in the car, but my phone started to die so I told him I loved him and had to go.

The 'I love you' texts were much longer than I intended them to be, sure, but at least I said it.

I'm totally getting him a snow globe while we're there. Snow globes are the ultimate symbol of love and they're the best vacation gift.

Tori and Andre are sitting across from us doing their coupling thing and Tori hasn't mentioned anything about last night.

Andre didn't wake up until my mom started shouting so he missed all of it.

I've still yet to figure out how Aly knew what we were talking about, but was asleep.

Eh.

Jade took Cat to find the bathroom and Beck went to get Jade something to drink. Perhaps, Jadorade?

That was also a joke. Feel free to laugh.

Speaking of Jade, I wonder how Aunt Divya will react when she sees her. She'll probably be all, 'oh my lord get this demon out of my site'. Even

though she'll just think that when she sees my sister.

She would never say it out loud, though. Because she has to pretend to love Aly.

Divya doesn't have to pretend to love Jade, even if she is Beck's girlfriend of almost three years.

Which brings me to another point..."Aly, why does our aunt hate Jade?"

Aly, who's nose was no longer stuck in the mag but now texting madly on her phone, looked up and gave me a 'duh' look, "Because she's met

her."

"Oh yeah."

See, it's okay to insult the people you love.

That's the motto Aly lives by, anyway.


	56. the Vincent Van Gogh of airplane food

_"We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?"_

_-Airplane!_

**Aly's POV**

Ah. First class. This is the kind of place where Allison Oliver belongs. Just like she belongs in the seat of her own Alyssa Vaughn-like sports car. Or her very own throne.

... Why am I talking in the third person?

Curse you, Gwen.

"Wow," Tori muttered as she looked around at the cabin before sitting down. "First class is definitely a step up from coach."

"That's kind of the point," Jade grumbled, taking her seat by Beck.

"Oh my God, guys," Cat squealed as soon as she stuffed her bag in the overhead thing. Okay, she was too short to reach and Andre had to help her. Close enough. "Look how big and comfy our seats are!"

Andre helped Tori with her bag as well and took his spot next to her. "Yeah, Mama and Papa O went all out."

They always do. And this time I'm actually glad they did.

Soon, in about five hours. we'll be in Cancun. And after Aunt Diva- oops, forgot the y- treats Gwen like a damn princess, acts indifferent toward Beck and I, and breathes fire once her eyes land on Jade, she'll leave for her stupid business trip. Then we'll have her huge ass beach house to ourselves and we can get drunk and have an orgy.

Well, I'd be more willing to do that if Beck and Gwen weren't here. Orgies among siblings is generally frowned upon. Especially by me.

Gwen and I talk about orgies too much.

So we're in the back of the first class cabin. When you walk in from behind, first there's Jade and Beck, and me and Gwen are seated in front of them. Across the aisle from me, there's Tori, this space between us is not nearly far enough apart, with Andre in the window seat. And finally, Cat is sitting behind Tori and across the aisle from Jade.

I like to be detailed about our seating arrangement. Excuse me for trying to enhance your reading experience.

I feel bad for Cat. She's all by herself. Maybe I'll go sit with her after while. I don't think I can handle Gwen for five straight hours anyway.

They gave everyone the regular schpeal about airplane safety, like with the oxygen masks and the flotation devices and yadda yadda you'll never actually need to know this safety stuff but we legally have to tell you about it anyway so bear with us.

That's how it went.

They also suggested we turn our cell phones off.

Ha. That's rich.

But I put it on airplane mode anyway because they said they'd confiscate them if anybody got caught using their cell phones before or during takeoff. And if they did, then I would kill one of the staff and they'd either kick me off the plane and I'd plummet to my death or I'd be moved back to coach.

I don't want either to happen to me.

I heard Cat chirp out a hello, but I didn't bother to turn around. I just figured the person in the free seat next to her finally decided to show up. Guess I'm stuck with Gwen. But I have been for the past fourteen, almost fifteen, years so it's not like this is news to me.

After buckling up and settling in for takeoff, I was almost going to stick my earbuds in and listen to some Kings of Leon when I heard something- someone- annoying. Robbie isn't here and Gwen's actually being quiet for once, so it must be Tori. "Cat. Hey, Cat!"

"Whatty?"

"I forgot to bring a pen and I can't do my sudoku without one. Do you have one?"

Couldn't she have just downloaded the sudoku app for her PearPhone instead of using a sudoku book with actual paper and writing implements like an elderly woman? Bleh.

"No, sorry... Excuse me. Mister guy I've seen on TV? Do you have a pen my friend Tori can borrow?"

She must be asking whoever's sitting next to her.

Wait, a guy she's seen on TV? Ugh, it's probably someone lame, like the guy from Wacky Jack's Used Kitchenware Surplus. According to that ridic commercial, they slash prices with their gently used cutlery.

Might as well check.

I finally turned around. It was not Wacky Jack.

"Jade!" I hissed as to not attract too much attention. Even though I usually live for it. I unbuckled myself, since we had taken off not too long ago, and peeked over my huge seat at her. "Jade! Jaaaade!"

Jade didn't look up from her Kindle as she flatly asked, "What, Gwen."

I rolled my eyes. "You're hilarious. Just look at who's sitting next to Cat!"

She turned her head to the side uninterestedly. She didn't look all that interested after she saw who was pulling a pen out of his pocket and handing it to a slightly shocked Tori. She must have been surprised to see who he was, because she stuttered out, "Th-Thanks." He just nodded and put his noise cancelling Dr. Dre Beats headphones back on.

Cat noticed we were looking her way, so she smiled and waved. "Hi!"

"Cat... Is that- is that Kris Humphries?"

"If it is, ask him what he was thinking marrying that obnoxious socialite," Jade muttered before going back to her Kindle... wait, why isn't she just reading a book on her PearPad? Have PearProducts suddenly become uncool or something?

Cat took that question seriously. So as she began to once again pester Kris Humphries, who was trying to ignore her and read a magazine that had his ex-wife on the cover, I poked my sister in the arm. "Gwen!" She looked up at me from the episode of 2 Broke Girls she was watching on her PearPod. At least SHE hasn't abandoned her PearProducts.

Even though she's not really allowed to watch 2 Broke Girls because our mother says it's 'crude and vastly inappropriate'.

That's why we like it so much.

That, and the chick who plays Max has huge boobs.

... Moving on.

After she yanked her ear buds out, I pointed to Cat and said, "Kris Humphries is sitting next to Cat."

Gwen scoffed. "Shut up. He is not."

"Look for yourself!"

She did. "Oh my God... Kris Humphries is sitting next to Cat!"

"Oh gee, wow. It's not like I didn't just tell you that eight seconds ago."

"We have to get a picture with him before we get off!" Gwen squealed.

I raised an eyebrow to this. "Why? You said he was a turd and he probably just used Kim Kardashian for her money and fame."

"Who cares? He's famous!"

Well there you go.

The flight attendant lady finally came down the aisle, handing our in-flight lunches to me and Gwen. Thank God, I'm starving.

When I actually looked at the crap she put on our trays, I wasn't so hungry anymore.

"Um, excuse me?" I stopped before she could roll her little cart thingy back to Jade and Beck.

She gave me a disinterested look. "Yes?"

"What the hell is this?"

"... Food."

"Edible food?"

She tilted her head as she looked down at it. "I guess."

She walked away before I could say anything else.

Rude.

But not as rude as when Jade told the impolite stewardess the food she set in front of her looked even grosser than her face. There is such a thing as karma.

Either that or it's just Jade being Jade.

"Must you terrorize people everywhere we go?" Beck asked, but there was a teasing tone to his voice, since it's not like he gave a crap about Miss snarky Sally stewardess. She stormed off in a fit, by the way. It was amusing.

"You'd think that after almost three years, you'd be used to it by now." I saw something green fly past me and hit Tori in the back of the head. And then again.

Third time's the charm.

"Jade!" Tori twisted around. "Stop throwing unidentified airplane food at me!"

Jade shrugged. "Maybe if your pretty head wasn't so large, it would be less of an easy target."

She was about to gather another handful of what I think are peas, but Beck stopped her and took her food away from her. "Just because this isn't fit to eat doesn't mean it's acceptable to use it as a weapon."

"Then what's the point of getting this chizz?"

Good point.

I thought first class was fancy. Why do we get the commoner meals too?

"I am not eating this," I muttered, shoving my tray as far away as I possibly could. The tray table isn't twenty seven feet long, so it wasn't far enough.

"You have to eat something," Gwen told me, picking up my meal and putting it on her tray. Um, okay.

"I'd eat my own foot before I'd eat that." I'm not even going to ask why she took it. It's farther away from me and that's all that matters. "Or maybe yours. I need my foot."

I could hear Beck digging around in his duffel bag. "I wouldn't start eating feet yet, Als. Andre and I got some snacks and stuff last night, remember?"

As he tossed a bag of barbecue chips to Andre, who had gotten up to throw everybody's food away, I crossed my arms and looked back at him. "Yeah, but you guys probably got Fat Cakes and cheese puffs and tubs of lard or something, because you're guys and guys are stupid fatties."

He only smirked to that and pulled out a black and green bag. Sweet momma, are those- "Girls who are mean to me don't get the pistachios their thoughtful big brother bought especially for them."

"Wow Beckett you are the best brother ever Gwen and I are so lucky to have your in our lives your hair looks great today." God I sounded like my sister. Except her sentences are at least actual sentences, even if they are run-on.

Whatever, I just wanted my pistachios.

"That's satisfactory." Beck handed me the bag of pistachios and patted me on the head. That'd normally bug me but omg pistachios.

... I really like pistachios, okay?

And since I don't like most foods, getting something I actually like to eat excites me.

Cat and Tori got up to get stuff from Beck's carryon bag of dreams and trans fat, so I settled in and opened up my snack. "How are you enjoying your double dose of stale vegetables and mystery meat, Gwenny?"

"It's great." She sounded distracted. And she wasn't distracted because she was busy vomiting.

I glanced at her for the first time in a while. I really shouldn't have.

She has dumped both plastic containers of food, if you'd like to call it that, onto her tray and was recreating Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night with it.

I am not making this up. I couldn't have if I tried.

She was using her plastic fork and spoon to push around the mashed potatoes and meat, which was also mashed for reasons unknown, to make the background and that freaky mountain thing. She had used gravy, or maybe grease or rat bile, to make the sky part all swirly and she used the petrified peas as the moon and stars.

It was kind of sort of cool. If you got past how completely gross it was.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked, popping a pistachio into my mouth.

She shrugged, still focused on her 'masterpiece'. "I'm bored... And I'm an artist. I get bursts of creativity and have to use what's at hand."

"Artists use creativity as an excuse to act like weirdoes and chop their body parts off."

She just stuck her tongue out at me.

Like I should expect more mature behavior from someone who still plays with their food.

Jade stood up slightly to get a look at what the fuss was about. "God, Gwen. Sometimes you're like that freaky chick from The Breakfast Club."

"Thank you," Gwen absentmindedly said, making some of the final greasy touches.

"... Whatever." Jade sat back down. I could see Beck had his earbuds in and was doing something on his PearPhone, so he was blissfully unaware of our sister's actions and freakishness.

Lucky.

Speaking of the freakish sister, Gwen was about to dump some furry pudding on her creation, probably to start on the little village at the bottom, but I took the cup from her and threw it at Kris Humphries. It landed fur down on his lap.

Haha. No billionaire wifey to buy you a new pair of pants, huh?

Cat tried to help him wipe it off, but he didn't really seem to want her touching him. Robbie would probably love to have her dap at his crotch.

Oh jeez.

Gwen sadly looked down at her unfinished piece, then leaned back into her chair. "Beeeeeeeeck!" There were probably like fifty more e's in there but I'm not going to type them out. "Aly threw my furry pudding away! Can you get me a new one, pretty please?"

Gwen couldn't see him, but the way I was angled, I could. Beck was still messing around on his phone, and he didn't even look up from it when he said, "Sorry, Gwen, can't help you. I'm... asleep."

"... Oh. Okay, never mind then."

...

My sister's retarded.


	57. Aly no habla español

_WOW OKAY_

_sorry for the million year hiatus, everyone. real world really kills you, we weren't sure anybody was reading anymore, excuses excuses_

_BUT WE'RE BACK BABY_

* * *

><p><em>"Our lessons come from the journey, not the destination." Don Williams Jr.<em>

Aly's POV

Wah. I hate airplanes.

Firstly, we had turbulence during the second hour of air time and it jumbled us so much that my hair got all frizzed up and my Hco shorts were practically riding up my ass.

It's not a cute look, let me tell you.

Jade slept through the turbulence because well, she's Jade. It's actually kind of cute the way she's sleeping. Both her and Beck's fingers are intertwined and she's struggling through her seat belt to lay her head on his shoulder.

And now I miss Coco.

He told me I could cheat on him in Cancun if it would make me feel better. I replied by telling him that if anyone was to tap this, it'd be him.

Oh shit, I almost forgot to tell you, I too was asleep until about ten minutes ago.

I was so peaceful sleeping and do you know what happened?

This stupid flight attendant, I'm pretty sure the same one who served us the sorry excuse for food, decided to 'accidentally' bump me whilst walking about the cabin.

And yes, if you're wondering, I did get my revenge. I always get my revenge. Mostly because there is nothing I do better than revenge.

...Sorry, Taylor Swift is playing on Gwen's PearPod and I can hear it. Gosh she turns the volume up full blast.

Anyway, when the attendant came back through I tripped her.

Since I'm sick of calling the stewardess 'her', I'll make note that her name tag said 'Pho'. But seriously, what kind of name is that?

Sure, perhaps the blood was covering most of her name tag, so it could have very well said 'Phoebe'.

'Liek, ehmagawd Als, y did her tag have bl00d on it?'

Oh right. When she fell, Pho totally smashed her nose right against the floor. It looked like it hurts, I mean, there was a lot of blood.

That is what she gets I tell you.

...Although I do wonder if she's okay. Not that I cade.

Cade? I mean care. Haha, cade sounds like it would be the ship between Cat and Jade.

Hm, if Beck and Jade were to ever break up, I think I would ship cade.

Eh ma gawd, speaking of that! I has the scariest dream. It was legit scary, and I haven't had a nightmare since I dreamed that I was a Vega.

This dream was probably scarier than that.

So I dreamed that Sinjin was hosting this game show and he invited Sikowitz' class. For whatever reason I was in their classroom, but that's whatever. When we got there, the contestants were so ugly, that Sinjin asked Beck, Jade, Tori, Robbie, Andre and Cat to be the fill ins. Gwen and I were just left in the audience because apparently dream!Sinjin wasn't nice enough to let us join this game.

No one likes any version of Sinjin, anyhow.

Like, it was a good dream until Beck and Jade were fighting- and then the really terrifying part happened.

They broke up.

In the most horrifying way ever! I can't even think about it, ugh. I seriously almost started crying.

Wah, I have to change the subject this is too sad.

I turned in my seat a little, just enough to see that my brother and his girlfriend were still sleeping, as well at Cat.

Kris was trying to keep Cat from leaning onto his shoulder. He should just let her, because when it comes to sleeping, Cat will just keep squirming until she gets into a comfortable position.

I mean, uh, not that I know what sleeping with Cat feels like.

You don't need to know my life.

Oh do you hear that? Well. Okay so you can't. But, Gwen's PearPod is playing a song that I like and it's not the Glee version.

Beck and I think that if you're going to like a song, you have to like the real version, and not just the Glee version.

Meh. It doesn't really matter to me. Music is music. "Uh-oh those su-uh-mmer nights," I subconsciously sang out in a low tone.

"What are you singing?"

Yeah. Because that didn't almost give a heart attack. Considering I forgot I was on a plane with other people, I didn't expect to hear any voices. "Tori. I thought you were asleep," I let out a sigh and turned my head toward her.

The latina pointed over to her inside passenger, AKA boyfriend, AKA Andre, and said, "He's been snoring."

Ah. How unlucky.

I pulled the pillow I had been leaning back on and offered it to her, "How about a pillow to smother him with?"

Guess what? She actually laughed. "No thanks. I think you hang out with Jade too much."

"So I've been told."

That wasn't even sarcastic. Like, I didn't say that with a condescending tone or an added eye roll.

Am I having a decent conversation with Victoria Vega? Did Beck drug my pistachios?

I think I should say something, because I really don't want this conversation to get awkward, not when it's this nice.

Besides, she's the only one who's awake, and we've got a little under three hours left of flying time. Ugh.

I tried my best to put on an inviting smile, "So," We both said in unison, followed by a short laugh.

In unison.

Oh my god, he did drug my beautiful little joys in a shell. That bastard. I'm making a mental note to put some date rape in his drink and lock him and Andre in the same room together.

Mua-chizzing-haha.

Or maybe he didn't drug them and I'm too tired to be mean and the high altitude is making my brain all wonked up.

Yeah. That has to be it. "What's your Aunt Divya like?" Tori asked, fiddling with tightness of her seat belt.

Of course when we're conversing nicely she has to go and ruin it by mentioning that old dragon.

I let out an exasperated sigh, preparing to somehow describe my Aunt in a fashion that will make her seem pleasant.

It won't be easy. Because Divya's not pleasant. "She's my moms older and only sister. Uh...let's see, she's a journalist, she's got no kids. That's mostly because she's a total workaholic and no man could ever stand her. I mean, I can barely stand her." I made a disgusted face and was forced to move Gwen's arm that was lingering into my personal bubble.

"Oh. Um. Do you two not get along?"

"Let's just say that if she was on fire and I had a glass of water, I would drink the water and watch her burn to death."

Tori opened her mouth, hopefully to comment on my very funny joke, but all that came out was this horrible honking noise. It sort of sounded like a duck and Trina were having a horrible singing contest and the duck was up.

I raised my eyebrow and Tori face palmed. "Was that Andre?" She nodded in confirment.

Oh wow. And she actually had sex, and then slept with this lump of snore? Kudos to you, Tori.

I guess now is a better time than any, you know, to say I'm sorry. Sorry for what? Being immature that's what. Because, regardless of Jade's terrible joke, I am not Gwen.

Although, Gwen probably would have never made a picture of fist coming out of someone's crotch region.

Or she might.

I have no clue what's on her PearBook. I know what's on mine.

...Remind me to erase my history when we have proper internet connection.

"So, Tori, I just want to say that, I'm, uh, sorry. For posting that picture on the Slap." Because I'm not necessarily sorry for making it, just for posting it. Loopholes.

Tori looked at me, smiled, but in the most non joking way said, "No you're not."

"I know I'm not."

"It means a lot that you actually said it, though."

Are we in the Twilight Zone? Like, is everyone on the flight an alien from some distant planet and we're actually going to that planet to prepare for a banquet where the main course is me?

Can we land. Please.

/

I love how I asked if we could land as I ended that little tidbit, and it took three hours for my wish to come true.

For those of you who don't know, Cancun is in Mexico. Even though everybody should really know that. Okay, but, a lot of the people speak English here, but since the native language is Spanish, it's obvious that they speak that too.

So here we are, in the airport lobby, waiting by that spinny baggage thing, waiting on Jade, Gwen and Tori's bags.

Jade moaned in annoyance, "I hate waiting. Once we get mine and Gwen's bags, we're so out of here."

"What about mine?" Tori crossed her arms, as if she didn't know that Jade actually doesn't care about her bags.

"What about yours?" Jade smirked. Aw, it only took a few minutes in Cancun for the fighting to begin.

Beck stepped in and took Jade's hand. "How about we go find some Mexican coffee? You look grumpy."

His girlfriend shot Tori an angry look and nodded. "Fine. But you're paying. Als, can you get my bags?" Does she expect me to say no?

I smiled, "No probs."

Before running off for coffee, Beck pointed at Gwen, "Do not, and I mean it, do not even attempt to try and ride the baggage claim."

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Beck, I'm almost fifteen. Do you really think I'd be that immature?"

Cue all of us, including Cat because for the last few sentences I kind of made it seem like I forgot her but I didn't 'cause she's over there playing Sky Narwhals, giving Gwen a 'yes we do' look.

"...I promise I won't try to ride the baggage claim."

I leaned my arms onto my suitcase and watched the two lovers walk away. Guess what? I still miss my boyfriend.

There had better be some hot, shirtless, Hollister model worthy guys walking around when I get out of this airport.

I need something to fill the void- what is that on Cat's bag? "Uh, Cat?"

"Whatty?"

"Why is there a suspicious looking stain on your suitcase?" I pointed to the side of her luggage, just under the rolly handle.

Cat put her phone down and turned her bag so she could see what I was talking about, "Oh! My brother had one of his friends zip him up in here and push him down the stairs. When he hit the bottom landing he hurt his head and it started to bleed right through the-"

"Gwen! You can't do that! You'll get hurt!" I jumped up, mid Cat's story, and almost knocked over my suitcase.

Anyone want to take a guess as to what Gwen's doing? "Gwendolyn Joyce, get off the baggage claim right now!" Well, okay, that answered the general question.

"But I saw my bag!"

That's her excuse? Along with Tori and Cat, we three ran to the baggage claim, trying to get Gwen to jump off.

After tossing her bag off the claim, she looked like she was half enjoying it, half hating it, "I can't jump off, it's too high!"

"Gwen, it's only a foot off the ground!" Tori yelled at her.

Tori has a good yelling voice. I should ask Andre if she's a screamer.

...and there I got thinking about sexual things in the middle of a story. I have a problem.

After a few minutes of Gwen revolving around in an oval and people attempting to get their bags without unintentionally grabbing her, these guys in official Cancunian (is that what they're called? Cancunian?) airport security shirts approached us.

"Los niños no se les permite viajar en el reclamo de equipaje! Por favor, elimine de ella."

Lolwut. "Do I look like speak español, dude?"

"Por favor means please!" Cat squealed, delighted that she somewhat knew what he said.

Because translating please really helps the situation. Ugh, somehow, some way, Beck is going to yell at me for this. 'You shouldn't have let her out of your sight,' he'll say.

Tori sighed, "He said that children aren't permitted to ride in the baggage claim and to remove her."

This would have been an excellent time to remember that Tori is half latina. I turned to thank Tori, but was greeted by someone a little less Spanish.

It wasn't Beck, though. Or Jade. Or anyone I would have rathered to see.

Oh no, it was the old dragon herself.

My Aunt Divya.


End file.
